Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, it belongs to the great J.K. and a whole lot of other filthy rich people.
***
All the darkness in the world could not put out the light of one small candle.
-Found on a Jewish Holocaust victims headstone
***
You're pathetic, Sirius…Sirius fought to clear back the voices, all the while repeating a mantra to himself, "I'm innocent, I'm innocent, I didn't do it."
Just a technicality, it you hadn't made them change…
"NO!" Sirius let out the word in one short growl, furiously trying to keep away the reflections that had become the parasites of his pain. Deep down, part of him was pleading with himself to change into the form of Padfoot, a trick he had discovered early on to pass the time more easily. But Sirius rarely did, for in some twisted way, he felt he deserved his suffering. In Azkaban, the guilt fed on his every emotion, leaving him only enough sanity to survive upon. Usually, anyway. Every once in awhile, especially during mid-Summer, he'd slip. And the voices would return.
You killed them, Sirius! Just because you didn't pull the wand, it doesn't mean you can think yourself innocent! You failed…
Sirius shook his head back and forth in a childlike gesture, desperately trying to keep his traitorous thoughts at bay. Most of the time the Dementors only brought up sad memories, regrets, guilt, leaving him only one shred of pure light, the fact that he was innocent. This pure light had kept him coherent when those around him had screamed from the nightmares, logical when all others were mad. It seemed that today even sanity would be ripped from him. Ripped away just as it had been on this day the year before, and the year before that, and the year before that…
For it was July 31st today. On this day, he always became one of the many lost souls that surrounded him. The date had bombarded him the second he woke up, making him groan in frustration. A part of him wondered how the Dementors knew the thought would hurt him so, another found it only fitting. Sirius hadn't kept track of the date in years; it had to have been transmitted to him by his guards. Today was the fifth anniversary of his godson's birth, one of the happiest days in all his life. At least, he thought it was. Joy was foreign to him in Azkaban, something like a thin piece of thread that was slipping from a needle, one he was unable to grasp.
Sirius Black was a relatively young man, not even out of his twenties. His eyes though, his eyes told a very different tale. They were aged beyond his years, flashing between pain and an empty void as easily as a streetlight turns from red to green. In the years to come they would start to rest upon the latter, only a shell to the dancing emotion they had once held.
Another Dementor walked by, and Sirius huddled into a corner, retreating from another wave of depression. It was as if they were trying to push him over the edge. The annual event was always a struggle, and Sirius feared that this year he would not win. Why the Dementors had chosen this day to focus pointedly on him, as opposed to the day of his two best friend's deaths, Sirius didn't know. This did not stop him from admitting its effectiveness. Sirius blinked, and for a second, had control over his senses. The second was a war waged between his own mind and the evil perpetuated by the Dementors…and the Dementors were winning. He looked up to see a good dozen of them outside his cell, and it occurred to him they were probably smiling maliciously. That is, if they could smile. Sirius shuddered as he lost control…
***
July 31st: Five Years Past
Sirius paced outside the hospital room, doing an odd sort of jig as he did so. His friend Remus Lupin watched him with his eyes, entering a trance as the minutes wore on. The two were shoved back into reality as a high-pitched scream pierced the night.
"JAMES POTTER! THIS IS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT! IF YOU HADN'T GONE AND KNOCKED ME UP—" At this point a loud screech followed by a definite male howl of pain emerged, followed by the end of the rant, "I HATE YOU!!!"
"Poor Prongs," Remus whispered. Sirius gulped, glad he hadn't been born a woman, or James for that matter.
"Is Lily going to be alright, Moony? Is she going to kill James?" His big cobalt eyes became larger.
"Stop looking at me like that, Padfoot! Of course Lily will be all right. James, on the other hand…" He shook his head.
"But it's been eighteen hours! I'm tired," The man called Padfoot plopped into a chair, finally ceasing his nervous pacing.
"Think of how Lily feels, or rather listen to how Lily feels."
"But I'm hungry!" Sirius rubbed his belly.
Remus rolled his eyes, "Honestly, even that baby has more patience than you. I hope James pays me for this."
Sirius looked scandalized, "What do you mean, I'm acting perfectly mature!" Remus raised an eyebrow that signified he didn't quite believe his friend's protests. Of course, it could be better phrased by saying that Remus wasn't buying any of Sirius' bull you-know-what.
"You just don't appreciate my worth."
"The only thing you are worthy of, my friend, is a good whack upon the head. Or better yet, a day locked in the closet with Snape."
Sirius covered his ears and let out a whimper, "I'm scarred! Look at the scaaars!!!" Sirius fell of the chair and began to twitch on the ground. Remus promptly picked up a paper and began to read, leaving his friend to his own, albeit rather odd, devices.
Just then James Potter came running out of a nearby doorway, "It's time!" He said, before leaving again.
"Sirius," Remus was up like a shot, "It's time!"
"For what?"
Remus rolled his eyes, "Armageddon! Now, come on, Lily's going to have the baby!" Sirius got up off the floor as the weight of the statement hit him, once standing he began jiggling at the knob of the door James had just come out of.
However, the door would not open. "Fix it, Moony, hurry!"
"Um…Sirius?"
"No time for chit-chat, the door's stuck and Lily's having the baby!" Sirius moved over to let Remus open the door. Remus stepped up to the knob and turned it. The door swung open easily, causing the werewolf to bestow his friend with a rather superior glance.
"How was I supposed to know you turned it the other way?" Sirius asked, before sweeping past the still-smiling Remus.
In the midst of a large room the two companions saw Lily, surrounded by some of the wizarding world's top nurses. A Doctor stood nearby, rolling his wand over Lily's stomach. "Okay, Mrs. Potter, this is it, one last push…" Lily grunted and looked at the man murderously.
"Why didn't you give me the numbing spell, you bas—" James put a hand over his wife's mouth.
"As I said the last fifty-two times, Mrs. Potter, you said you wanted to do it naturally, so we didn't give you the necessary preparation spells. Now, one last push and it's all over."
"Over?" Lily stopped struggling to bite James. The doctor and her husband nodded.
"You can do it, Lily!" Sirius shouted, waving a makeshift flag (which was really a straw he had in his pocket and a tissue from the waiting room.) The doctor sent him a disapproving look. "I was just trying to help." Sirius grumbled.
"Okay, here goes nothing," Lily closed her eyes as James pulled some of her tangled red hair from her face. Sweat formed on the heavily breathing woman's brow, which her husband dutifully wiped away (at his own risk, Remus thought.) Lily's scream ripped through the air, followed by the screech of a newborn babe.
"It's a boy!" The nurse who had caught the baby shouted, a smile forming on her lips at the look on James' face. She completed the necessary tasks before wrapping the little boy up in a blue blanket. She then handed the baby to Lily, who promptly burst into tears.
"He's p-p-perfect!" She gazed at him adoringly. James put out a finger to feel his son's skin, his own eyes a bit misty.
"Can I have a baby, too?" Sirius asked Remus, still a bit choked from the sight before him.
"I would think not, Padfoot. It's not a puppy after all. Besides, I don't think you have the proper equipment." Remus got out, just a bit horror-stricken at Sirius' question. He decided to change the subject. "Too bad Peter had to miss this."
"Yes, well, he's been spending more and more time with his mother as of late. Apparently she's rather ill."
"Peter told me a while back, it was all rather sudden," Remus agreed.
"Why haven't we ever met this mother of his?" Sirius asked.
"Apparently she doesn't take well to strangers, a bit loopy, Peter says." Sirius' mouth formed an 'o.'
The two ended their conversation and looked up to see James standing right in front of them, absent one baby. "Thanks for being here for me, guys. That was—" James drifted off, searching for an adjective, "nerve-racking."
"Yeah, whatever, but James…aren't you missing something?" Sirius was looking around wildly.
"What?"
"The baby?" Sirius looked at James as if had lost his mind.
"The nurses took him to go get him all cleaned up and give him the proper medications. What did you think we did, Padfoot, lost him?"
Sirius looked embarrassed, "Of course not, heh…heh…" James and Remus raised their eyebrows.
"I'm going to go see Lily," Remus said, concerned for his female friend.
"Better do it soon then," James spoke up, "She's about to collapse from exhaustion."
"I'm gonna go see the baby!" Sirius said, before dashing out of the room.
Remus frowned, "Think we should follow him?"
"Nah," James still looked mildly worried, "It's not like the nurses will just hand him over."
"You know, Sirius is rather charming at times, and most of the nurses are female." Remus stuck his head out the door, trying to see if Sirius were still nearby.
"Tell you what, I'll go check on Lily, you go make sure Sirius doesn't drop the baby." James and Remus shook hands before speaking simultaneously.
"Deal."
***
"If I were a baby, where would I be?" Sirius walked down yet another corridor. Next, he looked into a random room, hoping that this one would be less fruitless than the one before it. Of course, he had just passed a sign that read "Nursery: Keep Right," but he had nobody to point that out to him. He saw a pretty nurse attempting to run a wand over a little boy's knee, the boy was crying, moving his limb out of her reach.
"Please, Billy, just hold still; this won't hurt in the least!" The boy began to wail.
"What's the problem here?" Sirius asked, unable to help himself. "I know if I had a pretty nurse trying to help me, I'd sit still." Sirius leaned in to whisper in the boy's ear, "And maybe my Mum would buy me ice cream afterwards." The boy's eyes lit up and he straightened immediately. The nurse completed her task, and then dismissed the little boy. Sirius looked out the door to hear him explaining to his parents how a nice man had said they'd buy him ice cream. Sirius chuckled.
"Thank you," The nurse stated, a twinkle in her eyes, "It's so hard to find a proper bribe these days."
"Maybe for you, Madame, but not for Sirius Black." He flashed her his I'm-a-sexy-thing-and-I-know-it look.
"It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Black, I'm Willa."
"The pleasure is all mine, but please, call me Sirius." She blushed and played with a piece of chestnut hair, which had escaped her bun.
"Willa," Sirius grinned, "I was wondering if you could help me. You see, my friend, James Potter and his wife Lily just gave birth a little while ago, and was heading towards the nursery to see the baby. You don't think you could help me find my way, do you?"
"Of course, right this way," Willa started to lead him out the door and through the halls. A smug smile forced its way to the surface of Sirius' features, Works every time, he told himself.
***
When Remus finally managed to find the nursery, he was surprised to find Sirius nowhere in sight. He breathed a sigh of relief before approaching the nearby window, searching for a Baby Potter.
A long line of bassinets was lined against a far off wall, and Remus began scanning the nametags on each of them, "Let's see; Kary, Mathews, Nealy, Nelson, Patterson…oh, there it is, Potter." However, the bed was quite empty, causing Remus to pound his head against the glass in frustration.
***
Sirius stared at the baby in wonder, memorizing every part of him. His face, dimples, eyes, ears, nose, and mouth were all committed to memory within two minutes. "He's beautiful," he whispered to himself.
After convincing the nurse to let him take the baby into an empty room for a few minutes, he sat down and took the sleeping Baby Potter in his arms.
"You know, you really need a name," He cooed. The baby opened his mouth to yawn, blinked, and then fell back asleep. "Your father likes to nap, too," he continued conspiringly.
Sirius ran a hand over the baby's tousled black hair, already thick and dark, just like his father's. "And James was so hoping for a redhead," He mused out loud, although perfectly assured that the moment his friend had laid eyes on his son hair color had become of the least importance.
"I'm going to teach you to do lots of things," Sirius got up and started to walk around the room, "of course, we must never tell your mother. For instance, she may not like it if she knew I took you flying before you were even able to walk. And your first word will defiantly be Padfoot—we'll work on it when your mum and dad aren't around. Then, when you grow up, you'll play on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, just like your dad and I. I don't care what position you play, just as long as you kick the other team's a—"
"There you are, Sirius!" James Potter was looking amusedly at his best friend and newborn baby. Sirius got the impression James had been there awhile.
"I thought I heard you tell Remus to come find me," Sirius said, totally unabashed.
"Yes, well, he came back in a panic when he realized the baby had been taken out of the nursery."
"Yes, it was awful. I found the little tike lying on the floor over here, so decided to rescue him."
"I'm sure," James smiled.
"What are you going to call him?" Sirius asked, never taking his eyes off the baby. James walked over and carefully plucked him into his own arms, "I don't rightly know…but I think we're going to name him after my dad."
"He does look an awful lot like a Harry," Sirius contemplated.
"Well I guess it's settled then, seeing as it was Lily's idea in the first place." Sirius looked down and noticed that "Baby Harry" still looked the same as he had when he was "Baby Potter."
"Oh well," he sighed.
"What?" James questioned.
"I thought he'd, I don't know…react, when you named him."
"By doing what, Padfoot, standing up and singing the musical score from 'The Sound of Music?"
"For starters, yes."
Quite suddenly Harry opened his eyes, and focused on James, then Sirius. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, his lips making a little smacking sound.
"He's rather cute." James started to rock the little bundle.
"Yes, well, he takes after me."
"You keep telling yourself that. I mean, something has to get you to sleep at night, right?" Sirius looked outraged and mumbled something about more people not knowing his worth.
"I guess we should get back to the nursery, or bring him up to Lily and Remus." James said, looking at his friend. "She's probably eager to spend time with him after all the pain he caused."
"Yes, Lily seemed to be hurting a bit," Sirius nodded.
"What about me?" James asked, "I think she broke a finger!" Sirius laughed as the two started back towards Lily's room, hoping to Merlin Mrs. Potter knew nothing of their little exploit.
***
July 31st: Five Years Later
Sirius blinked, completely befuddled by the wonderful dream, or memory rather, that he had just had. People in Azkaban didn't have good dreams like that, it was impossible. Rubbing the sleep out of his eye, he stretched his gangly legs, legs that had been aching since he'd entered this place, just like his heart.
Images of little Harry flooded back to him, the Harry he had held for the first time so many years ago. The guilt the man had felt over causing this child to be orphaned lightened a little, there was not enough room for such sorrow in a memory so untainted.
"This is impossible…I was losing it yesterday. I wanted to die yesterday," Sirius whispered to himself. For the rest of the day the warm afterglow of the vision stayed with the convicted wizard, brining life into his eyes for the first time in ages.
By the next day, the memory would fade, leaving only the smallest trace of its existence. The Dementors would drown it out with evil, or at least, they would try. Yet this one memory, combined with Sirius' innocence, would keep him sane for another eight year, but by the time he would escape he would remember only the latter.
However, Sirius had time left to remember, and he treasured it, realizing that it wouldn't be long before the Dementors took the warmth from him.
"But I won't give in this time…I won't." He whispered, staring up at the dingy ceiling.
***
Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was feeling rather accomplished. He was not certain he had done the right thing by James and Lily, but for four years a lingering feeling of uncertainty had been gnawing at his soul, and tonight he had lessened it a bit.
"Just in case I'm right, old friend. And even if I'm wrong, and what everybody says is true…that was for the man you once were." He laid down his wand atop a large book, yellowed with age and usage. A spell was written in black swirling letters, it read: The Sweet Dreams Spell—Resurrecting Forgotten Purity.
The End
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Note:
Yes, I know Sirius uses his dog form in the books to stay sane, where as here he does not. My reasoning is that for quite awhile Sirius is too torn up by guilt and raging emotions to even want to become Padfoot. However, after the memory is given to him, he uses the form to survive.