Not a String

by The Rival

Oooh... I don't know why I wrote this. It's only good if you've seen Evita. Basically, my friend has a crush on Che (Antonio Banderas) but he's poor and can't afford to buy her a ring, so he gets her a string... weird...t

Not a String

Che (speaking)

I promised TK a ring, but I can't afford one! What will I do?

Walks down the street and finds a string on the ground

Que bonita! All the dirt on it makes it look pink, which is almost orange, her favorite color! She'll love it I hope.

He arrives home (which is a cardboard box in an alleyway) where TK is waiting for him. She made his dinner. She made his bath. And now she wants him to propose, give her a ring, and get a job so they can have a big fancy house and ten million cars. This doesn't sound much like stage direction anymore.

TK

To think that a boy

As poor as you are

Could get a ring for a girl like me

I want a ring

Yeah that's the thing

So where's my ring

You sexy boy?

Evita

She wants a ring

Yeah that's the thing

So where's her ring

You sexy boy?

TK (speaking)

Step off, Eva. You had your turn!

Evita (speaking)

Lo siento.

(singing)

Just listen to that

She wants you bad, Che

I'd give her the ring right now

TK

It's here at last!

I'm gonna get my ring now

Then make my wedding vows!

Che

Now TK,

Don't get carried away

TK

Che give me my ring

Then pull down your pants

You want me right now

Don't miss your chance

Che

Well uh

Evita

What's that?

Did ya get the ring for her?

Che

The ring for her?

Uh what are you talking about?

Evita

She told you last week she wanted a nice ring

She fucked you hard all night now she wants a ring

You must be quite relieved that she has not dumped you

So far!

TK

I want a ring

Yeah that's the thing

So where's my ring

You sexy boy?
Would I have done what I did

If I hadn't thought

If I hadn't known

You would give me a ring

Evita

Seems to me that she's really insisting

She wants it this minute

She wants to show off all the jewels and gems

And put her finger in it

Che

The ring is the best I could do

Since I don't have the cash

The class and the connections

What I need to make you flash

The likes of me get swept up

In the morning with the trash

If I was rich or middle class

Evita

Screw the middle classes!

I will never

TK (speaking)

Hey, that's my line, you dirty whore!

Evita

Did you hear that?

She called me a whore

She actually called me a whore

TK (speaking)

That was my line, too! I love saying that.

Evita (speaking)

Love makes the world go round.

TK (speaking)

You're gonna see stars go round in a minute!

Magaldi

On this night of a thousand staaaaaaaars!

TK & Evita (speaking)

Shut up!

Magaldi crows and struts away

Che (speaking)

Can't we all just get along?

Pause

TK & Evita (speaking)

No, not really.

Che

TK, I love you so much

But I can only afford this piece of cord

Not a ring

I am just a poor street boy

I don't have money even for my honey

So please just wear this string

He puts the string on her finger

TK

I don't want that string

It's old

And really dirty, so I'm told

I don't like touching it

Get rid of it

Eva has a ring

So why oh why oh why

The hell can't I

I only want a ring

Not this nasty thing

TK

I want a ring and not a string

So get a job you dirty slob

Evita

She wants a ring and not a string

So get a job you dirty slob

Che

But I looked really hard to find it

I asked every crook

Checked every nook

And cranny

Is this how you thank me for all my love

This lovely ring

This wonderful ring

Can't you be happy with this?

TK

What you've given me

Is that a woman's fantasy?

You gave me a shitty string just now, didn't you

I don't want another stupid string in this house

It'll end up food for your pet louse

You don't want to give me a ring, do you?

I want a ring and not a string

So get a job you dirty slob

Evita

She wants a ring and not a string

So get a job you dirty slob

(speaking)

Yeah, Che. Get a job already and get TK a real ring if you love her so much. And you stink! Roll around in the sewer until you smell better.

Che (speaking)

But then I'll smell like the sewer.

Evita

There is no soap

No soap like Zazz

N detergent lotion

Or oil with such power

In the shower

TK & Evita

It's the mother and father

Of luxury lather

The talk of the bath

The great ointment

One little frolic with

New Zazz carbolic

You'll be scented

You'll be sent

Evita

Away!

Che cries and drops the string

TK

But would I have done what I did

If I hadn't thought

If I hadn't known

I loved you anyway

Che stops crying and hugs and kisses her. Magaldi and Evita are grossed out, but glad TK loves Che even though she wanted a ring and not a string. Fade to black and CUT! That was completely and utterly retarded, people. I'll be in my trailer.