Kamui's hand tightened around Subaru's assuringly. "I'm here."
The onmyouji smiled weakly and appeared to relax somewhat in his hospital bed, comforted by that thought. "Good, I was worried that maybe I had just been hallucinating again."
"Again?"
"Sakura is fond of her illusions ... you changed so much over the years."
"Have I?" Kamui shrugged. "I haven't really noticed."
"Mmmmm..." Subaru closed his eyes with a nod and tried to swallow to clear the dryness in his throat. "You've grown so beautiful."
Kamui flushed and shrugged shyly, "I'm going to tell myself that's just the drugs talking now..."
Subaru's raspy chuckle crackled around the room. "Maybe it is ... but it was no secret that you are attractive."
Having never been particularly fond of anyone commenting on his feminine beauty, plus he found Subaru's amorous mood in the wake of his coma slightly inappropriate, Kamui decided to change the subject. "I thought I'd never see you again Subaru."
"No?"
"Well when I hadn't heard from you after a while I assumed the worst."
"Which would be what? That I had become another unfortunate meal for her or that I had just submitted to her will?"
"I dunno," Kamui admitted shyly. "It kind of depended on the day ... and how lonely I was. Most of the time I thought it would be better if you were dead than enslaved to her, but sometimes when I was lying awake in bed ... thinking about all the happy times I had with you I might have wished that you were still alive out there."
"Well ... here I am."
"Yeah."
"And all this time ... there was no one else Kamui? You could have found someone, I would never wanted you to be lonely or to suffer because of the thin chance I might beat her."
Kamui jumped a little out of his seat and blushed even harder, "Oh no! That wasn't it. I mean ... there's no one else, but it's not like ... I mean well ... there's Chiaki to consider and his well being. I didn't really feel comfortable dating while he's so young."
"Chiaki?"
He looked up from under his bangs where his eyes had been fixated on his fidgeting fingers. "My son ... ahh ... adopted anyway."
"Oh... and this would be--"
"Maiko's child, yes."
"How are your sure that this is her child?" Subaru asked. "I mean that child was put up for adoption ... tracking him down must have been a difficult task."
"I have my resources," Kamui shrugged.
Subaru nodded knowingly, "You used the authority of the Magami family then."
"That helped," the other man admitted. "but Subaru I knew, as soon as I had him in my arms again I knew."
"Ah," Subaru smiled. "It's good, I'm glad for you Kamui. It must be a lot of work for someone so young though."
"Yuzuriha helps. She has better maternal instincts than me anyway, and she really adores him so we kind of split the parenting duties."
"What an adorable little family you must make."
There was something odd about the way Subaru said it, something terribly bittersweet. The comment left Kamui feeling strangely guilty about their past, as if he had established this life of family and contentment at Subaru's expense. Although Subaru had a large and connected family he had long been isolated from them. In a way Kamui and the Sakura were the only companionship he had, now Kamui had grown up and formed his own family in which there was no room for Subaru. Kamui had not intending things to be like this. He had not noticed that in the course of just trying to survive and protect his newborn son he had locked himself into such a situation.
They had been talking like they were old friends who had returned to mediocre lives. That was not the case, his life had been filled with it's own gentle trials and rewards, but Subaru's...
Well ... he had no idea what Subaru had been through.
"And how have you been Subaru? Did she hurt you?"
There was only a moment's hesitation before Subaru gave in to a small laugh. But in that moment Kamui had seen a spark of more pain than he could even imagine. Perhaps he had not done the right thing by bringing Subaru here. Perhaps it would have been better to leave him there in his state of senseless peace. Perhaps that mindless unfathomable peace had been Subaru's reward for all his trails, and one that Kamui had selfishly and heartlessly ripped away from him. "Pray you never know," Subaru's words were crisp and clear.
The nurse popped her head in and rapped gently on the door. Subaru tensed up immediately, a startled noise cracking in the back of his throat. He looked around quickly like a sparrow weary of a predator hidden somewhere in the nooks of the room. Kamui figured that Subaru simply didn't like the intrusion at first, but as he continued to watch the Sumeragi fidget in the bed that was less and less convincing.
"Are you okay?" he whispered softly while the nurse made notes on his condition.
Subaru swallowed and nodded. His gestures were just a little too flustered for Kamui's liking. Whatever Subaru's time in hell had been like it had certainly made him high strung.
"Kamui?"
"Hm?" he was trying his best not to let on to his worry. He didn't figure it would do Subaru much good to know that Kamui found his behavior somewhat unnerving.
"You're a good deal shyer than I recall you being."
Kamui eyes watched the nurse leave before answering. After all he wanted to be truthful, but it was more important to be tactful. "Well ... you've never shown open interest in me before. I don't respond well to this sort of thing."
"Does it make you uncomfortable?"
"...no not really, just ... happy," he smile reflected some secret they both shared. "I want to be with you, I've always wanted to be with you."
He was blushing much harder now and he thought it quite ridiculous that a man his age should be blushing. Particularly when the subject of all those blushes was a former lover. Was there anything to be shy about with Subaru?
However, Subaru's open advances did make him uncomfortable-- but he could never tell Subaru that after all that had happened. He was flattered of course, and it wasn't that he wanted to Subaru to be aloof or anything. It just didn't seem right... To express his desire so openly and earnestly ... it didn't seem like something Subaru would do. When Subaru expressed certain designs upon Kamui like this they were almost always without feeling, as if it were something he wanted but not for love.
There was a certain part of him that wanted to run into Subaru's arms and hug the older man just to know that he was real. He was really back. But as strong as those desires were, he was held back by the shame he felt in wanting to believe that nothing had changed. It were these moments that Subaru always seemed to take advantage of. Kamui didn't know whether to think this opportunist knack was immoral or not, but when his fingers trailed slowly down Kamui's cheek, Kamui could only close his eyes softly and try to think of what to do. He knew what he wanted, but what was right?
"You look tired," Subaru noted, a touch of something soft and beautiful in his voice.
"I was here all night..." Kamui murmured, why couldn't he meet Subaru's eyes?
"They let you do that?"
"I think they pitted me."
Too easily Subaru pulled Kamui into the hospital bed and made him rest his head on Subaru's shoulder. "You can rest a little if you want."
Why was Subaru's voice always just above a whisper in these moments, did he know what that soft airy purr in his voice did to Kamui?
"I shouldn't ... they might..."
"Might?"
"Charge you extra."
Subaru laughed and patted Kamui gently on the head. "I missed you."
"Did you?" Kamui replied vacantly. "I figured if you missed me you'd be distracted, don't flatter me. When it came down to business you didn't even think of me."
"Ah ... that's true, I didn't, I couldn't ... but a still missed you. I just didn't realize it until I saw you again."
"I missed you too ... I missed this."
That was an understatement, Subaru's very presence was making him tingle pleasantly. A rough mixture of lust and longing was pounding through his blood, making him feel hot and fidgety. He was trying to restrain himself because he had thought getting aroused from only a few moments would be terribly rude.
But he was failing miserably, and the way Subaru was gently touching him wasn't helping.
Kamui sat up immediately, "I shouldn't be doing this..."
"Why not?"
"Because ... it's so inconsiderate ... you've just come out of a coma ... you should rest." That wasn't the real reason he shouldn't be doing it. It was inconsiderate and unconscionably rude to certain people he had rather ambiguous commitments too.
Subaru answered with a kiss. Not a forceful passionate kiss, but soft and subtle it lingered gently on his lips, taking a little then giving back, nibbling gently on the delicate pink skin...
Kamui resolve was quickly crumbling. He was very bad at acting in situations like this where what he wanted and what he had to do for others conflicted. He felt very strongly that having a sexual relationship with Subaru at this time would be a very very bad idea. Yet those merky midnight dreams and fantasies were raising from the deepest parts of his mind where they had been brewing for the years they had been separated and everything seemed to scream 'yes' inside him.
He knew he should tell Subaru to stop, Kamui had a family to consider and Subaru's erratic behavior made this an irresponsible choice. But Subaru pulled him up onto his lap and worked his hand under his shirt, Kamui's body protested the very thought of stopping.
What was the matter with him? He was an adult ... he should have a bit more self control than that. Yet his arms had worked their way around Subaru's neck and his body was pressed heavily against Subaru's. Subaru's tasted lightly of talc power...
It was the onmyouji who broke away. Their were both panting and excited, but Kamui at least was thankful that he had stopped.
"Not here..." Subaru sighed heavily, leaning back slowly into his pillows. "Not here, I don't want to have to rush ... I want to take my time."
It took a moment for Kamui to grasp what Subaru meant by that. Frankly much more of this and Kamui was going to pass out from blood rushing back and forth between the two ends of his body. He was already beginning to feel lightheaded.
Kamui appeared at the door with flowers and the most ridiculous grin smothering his face. It was obvious that he felt guiltier than was necessary, but then he had given away his life to one promise that he had carelessly put into jeopardy. He thought if he could make it up to her, he could make it up to Fuuma as well.
Yuzuriha smiled and cocked her head to the side, watching Kamui get down on his knees curiously. "Dork, you're not going to propose again are you?"
"DADDY!!!!!"
Being on his knees put him at a distinct disadvantage when a toddler decides to pounce. Kamui rubbed his head and found himself sprawled out quite comically on the floor, his four year old charge hugging his chest like it was a frail piece of driftwood giving him refuge from the ocean.
"Hey kid," Kamui pushed himself up a bit and handed the-- now slightly bent-- flowers to Yuzuriha. "Shouldn't you be in school?"
"Mommy let me stay home today," Chiaki said quickly and defensively. "I wanted to go, really I did!"
"I see," Kamui hummed softly as he swing the child up onto his shoulder and ducked into the apartment. "You're not driving your mom crazy are you?"
It was in the wave of furious denial that Yuzuriha noted, "that's daddy's job." She was putting the brightly colored flowers in water and fussing over the wounded stems. "Have you eaten?"
"Not since lunch yesterday," he admitted as he sat Chiaki down and kicked off his shoes.
"Would you like to have lunch with us then?"
There was a time long ago when Yuzuriha would have gasped a forced food on him. Her kind enthusiasm had aged into a more reserved elegance.
"That would be lovely, yes."
Chiaki rejoiced and grabbed Kamui by the hand, dragging him to see all the milestones he had missed in his son's like the mere 24 hours he had been away.
Twenty minutes later, Yuzuriha found them in Chiaki's room coloring together. Presently they were debating the level of realism in coloring the sky blue. Chiaki was petitioning for more options ... mainly the 200 crayon pack that he saw in the store before...
She tactfully cleared her throat. "Gentlemen..."
"Food!" Chiaki shouted, racing off to the table like mad.
In the beginning, Kamui had told Yuzuriha everything about he and Subaru, no detail was spared for privacy. He had felt somewhat obligated to do so, as if she was really his wife and had a right to know about such past affairs. In truth he had often found himself thinking of her that way, not as an old friend but with the companionship that one finds in a spouse. True with Subaru he had a sense of passion and devotion that was hard to rival, but the quite grace and contentment she gave his life over shadowed other aspects that might be lacking. The two affairs complimented each other wonderfully, but he did not want to seem greedy or ungrateful. Nor did he want to hurt either one of them.
It was this problem that was nettling him, pushing him into a soft melancholy that he hoped was not coming through to his family. On one hand the torch he carried for Subaru had never completely gone out and before they had parted ways they were so close ... so intimate. It had been his intention then to start a new life with Subaru as soon as the Sumeragi had finished his work. That intention had not changed, even though it was quite impossible, since his fantasies had prevented his mind from realizing the barriers time and convenience had erected. On the other hand Yuzuriha had threaded herself so strongly into his life and should he do anything to hurt her he was certain he would never forgive himself. It was unfair to have them both, yet it would be cruel of him to turn his back on either one of them.
"How's Subaru-san?" Yuzuriha asked softly. He had been poking a chunk of roasted fish vacantly with his chopstick for five minutes, so much for not showing his trouble. But at least she had assumed incorrectly.
"Oh ... better. He regained consciousness this morning and since they have run just about every test imaginable the doctor said they'll probably release him tomorrow."
"What's wrong with him?"
"They don't know ... everything keeps coming back normal. I get the feeling they'd like to hold him longer just to see if he relapses, but Subaru is getting cranky. I don't think he likes hospitals much."
"Who does?" she shrugged.
"Couldn't blame him ... he's had so many X-rays and CAT scans I wouldn't be surprised if he glows in the dark now."
Chiaki sat at the table chewing dutifully as he glanced between parents. It was safe to say that he understood only a little of what they were talking about, but he could definitely appreciate the last part. "Cooool."
A sideways glance to the smallest and somewhat forgotten member of the table, "careful brat or I'll sell you to the psych ward."
Chiaki blinked dumbly at him.
"They'd. Send. Him. Back." Yuzuriha smiled. "But you can try ... why don't you take him along when you go see Subaru?"
Kamui twitched a bit. He couldn't think of a good reason to say no, but at the suggestion he mind was flooded with memories of the elicit encounter just that morning. Not something he'd consider a family moment at all.
"Who's Subaru-san?"
"Someone we knew as kids," Yuzuriha chirped. "I'm sure he's love to see you again."
"Me?"
"Sure, Subaru-san was there when you were born."
Chiaki's eyes grew impressively wide, "really?"
Well hell you're his cousin, Kamui thought rather darkly. He wasn't comfortable with introducing his son to him former lover, especially if it required more lies, but he supposed Chiaki got bored easily enough that it would be a short meeting. At the very least he could be assured Subaru would behave himself.
Two minutes...
Two minutes two wide pairs of eyes had been staring at each other, completely dumbstruck. Two people, two eyes locked so intensely Kamui didn't know quite what to say. He felt this was a bit disturbing-- probably good fodder for a so-called "sweatdrop moment"-- and had attempted to break the spell by waving his hand in between them. That hadn't seemed to do any good at all.
He coughed lightly, Subaru looked up at him as if he was just noticing his presence, Chiaki skitted behind his legs shyly.
Well ... this was odd.
"Chiaki, this is Subaru Sumeragi ... say hello," Kamui nudged with his arm the child that was at the present moment hugging his leg tight enough to cut off circulation.
Chiaki peeked out at Subaru again and darted further behind Kamui.
"He's usually not this shy," Kamui murmured in explanation. "Chiaki, there's nothing to be afraid of."
"I'm not afraid."
"Then?"
The boy pointed accusingly at Subaru as if that explained everything, then seemed to grasp the inanity of any such suggestion and give up with a little sigh. He dragged himself out from behind Kamui and introduced himself, "Nice to meet you, Sumeragi-san I'm Chiaki Shirou."
He bowed somewhat reluctantly as if he suspected Subaru might go for his brains as soon as he turned his eyes away.
"Nice to meet you," Subaru smiled in response. "How old are you now ... 4?"
"4 and 1/8" Chiaki corrected.
"I thought we stopped counting any lower than 1/4..."
"But I'm not exactly four."
"Yes well," Kamui cleared his throat. "Subaru has trouble with math ... let's humor him shall we?"
Chiaki's pension for the precise had always baffled Kamui. The boy could be flat out pedantic at times and Kamui could find no suitable influence to explain the behavior. While he could be extremely neurotic about somethings-- giving his son a "normal" life for one-- he had never been that exacting with facts since ... he never had much confidence in his own knowledge. Yuzuriha certainly wasn't a stickler for accuracy when it came to casual conversation. Where Chiaki had pick the attitude up was something of a mystery.
He tried to convince himself that it was the age. That Chiaki had simply got caught up in the pride of the knowledge he had acquired. Yet sometimes it seemed to hang over the verge of an arrogance that haunted Kamui.
Chiaki climbed up into the chair next to Subaru's bedside, his feet dangling in midair coyly as his took up his end of their staring contest once again. This time however, Subaru only allowed himself a long glance before he forced them into an actual conversation. "So what are you doing now?"
Normally Kamui might have answered joking 'living off of rich men', but his son was in the room and that was certainly one comment that he would not want passed along to Hondo-sensei. Even though at times it felt like that was the only thing he was truly qualified to do. Despite the fact that he had passed all the proper exams and earned his place among the working class he could not help feeling as if he did not belong. As if he had somehow cheated because he had never graduated high school. "Oh I'm working as a Real-estate agent."
Subaru blinked, and behind those wide puzzled eyes he assumed Subaru was trying to picture him as a real estate agent. Leading couples and families cheerfully through bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchens and living rooms, showing them the breath taking view, showing them the spacious green backyard, showing them the closet space, in a bright gold blazer while holding a clipboard full of paperwork.
After he had imagined all of this Subaru, predictably, laughed, "really? Whatever possessed you to start with that?"
"Well, I had this little dependent and I had to find a job so that I could feed him. There weren't many jobs available in Tokyo what with so little of it standing, especially not for a guy who never got past 10th grade. So I went down to a construction site and asked for a job."
"And?"
"And they laughed at me," Kamui blushed just a little. It wasn't as humiliating now as it had been then. Even he could admit that a scrawny, feminine looking youth with clumsy hands asking for a job as a construction worker was a pretty humorous picture. He had understood too why they laughed, but he couldn't think of anything else he might be qualified for. "But there was a Realtor there at the time checking in on the progress of construction who was impressed by my determination to find a job-- or maybe just flat out pitted me-- and offered me a position as a secretary--" he was sure that was an even funnier image. Kamui sitting in a sea of frantically ringing phones having no idea what to do. "I learned the ropes there and took my real estate exams two years ago."
He caught Subaru twitch just a little. He wondered what in his happy little tale could possible have bothered Subaru when he followed the man's line of sight and realized that during to course of his explanation Chiaki had been playing with one of the machines hooked up to Subaru. Not jabbing at buttons or anything, just innocently rolling the plastic tubing across his fingers. He quickly scooped his son out of the seat and sat in his place, settling Chiaki in his lap where his curiosity could be properly policed. Now that he was paying more attention to it he realized the machine was not the harmless saline IV he had assumed it was. "Morphine?" Kamui breathed. "Are you in pain?"
Subaru quickly shook his head, looking much more relaxed now that the child was away from the drip. "Not much, I'm just ... a little uncomfortable."
Kamui was by no means a doctor, but he had been a serious patient enough times to know that hospitals didn't just give morphine for a little discomfort. Morphine was for serious pain. He hugged Chiaki little closer to his chest as he frowned at Subaru, "are you sure?"
The onmyouji nodded nervously, in a way that was child-like and not at all believable. "Yeah, they're releasing me aren't they?"
Because he felt that it would not be a good example for his son, Kamui did not argue with Subaru. Nor did he say what was really on his mind at the time, which was that the hospital could not hold Subaru against his will here if he wanted to leave. And Subaru really really wanted to leave, that much was obvious.
Chiaki was getting restless, a sure sign that he was bored already. Not that Kamui could blame him, there wasn't much for him to amuse himself with-- other than the morphine drip. In it's own little way it was convenient, he wanted to speak to Subaru privately for a moment.
Digging into his pocket he produced a small bill, "hey you want a soda?"
Chiaki nodded brightly, "candy bar."
"No, you just ate, soda. If I dump you off with Mommy on a sugar high she'll kill me."
"...okay."
Like any good child he snatched up the money before Kamui could give it a second thought and rushed off to the hall vending machine. Kamui smiled, was it wrong of him to find Chiaki's cunning charming? He turned back to Subaru "there's something I've been meaning to ask you."
"Oh?"
"Yeah ... Since he's a Sumeragi, does that mean he's ... you know ... got the stuff?"
Subaru hummed and considered the question. "Hard to tell," he eventually admitted, "Daichi was the youngest of seven children, four of them are onmyoujis of varying strengths. However Daichi isn't among them and there's no reason to think Maiko has any power. It isn't unheard of for normal parents to have a child with power, but normally it's passed directly from the parents to the child...
"But that isn't what you want to know."
How perceptive of him to pick that up. "Well... I mean..."
"What if he's not what you think he is?"
Kamui smiled with the subtle irony he had only recently discovered an appreciation for, "you mean 'who' Subaru. Who I think he is."
"Pardon my oversight, yes of course ... who. You have to know that what you believe is a very difficult thing for anyone else to have any faith in."
"Does it matter if he's not Fuuma?" Kamui answered, his voice was gentle but if there was any doubt in his heart Subaru couldn't detect it. "He's my son Subaru, and if God came down tomorrow and told me that Fuuma was gone for good it wouldn't matter at all. Symbolically it's the same thing, isn't it?"
"So what you're saying is 'it's the thought that counts'?"
"Yeah ... yeah I guess I am." He beamed.
The Morphine, as it turned out, was for Subaru's foot. He had managed to injury it somewhere in the course of the final battle with the Sakura. By Sunday the doctor had switched him to an anti-inflammatory over the counter drug. Subaru seemed to confuse this with a clean bill of health and became even more anxious to leave.
Fortunately, he needed someone to drive him home. Also fortunately the only one Subaru knew who could do that was the same person who was determined not to let Subaru kill himself with his foolishness. Kamui was committed to keeping Subaru in the hospital's care for as long as possible.
All it took was a simple lie about his work schedule to convince Subaru to stay until evening. A simple lie really, he only felt a tiny bit guilty about poor lonely Subaru starring out the window waiting to go home as he pushed Chiaki on the swings.
The small playgournd was one of their favorite late afternoon spots, even before Chiaki was old enough to make use of it. On warm Sundays there was hardly anyone there, the cool grass and playful amusements were theirs to ravish.
Kamui pulled Chiaki's swing roughly to a halt and declared, "turn's over."
Chiaki whined.
"You know the rules, you can play in the sandbox if you like."
His son had a knack for pouting and leaned up against the wooden pole supporting the swings. A silent protest through the abstention of fun.
Kamui couldn't have cared less. He stood on the soft rubber swing and called out like a herald into the night, "Adult Swing!!"
Yuzuriha popped her head over the research study she had been reading and laughed. It was the tradition of second childhoods that she loved in Kamui. Although it probably wasn't normal for parents to kick their children off the swings, Kamui was willing to digress from the strictly normal on certain matters.
She plopped down in the swing next to him. His skin was glowing with a slight healthy flush that she found especially charming. His eyes twinkling with a sense of confidence she rarely knew from him. It was this Kamui she liked the best.
"Who do you think can go higher?" he asked Chiaki.
"Mommy."
"Sorry Kamui, your short legs are going to lose again."
Inuki sat on the soft picnic blanket they had laid out. His chin resting on his paws and tail flickering oddly every now and then. From the look in his wise canine eyes one might think he was ashamed to be seen with two full grown Dragons or Heaven behaving in such a manner. Their light bodies being flung into the air and gliding back down on black rubber seats, giggles and cries of victory exploding across the playground with each pass.
"I'm going to jump!" Kamui announced.
"No Kamui you'll break your leg!!"
Having a four year old son to cheer from the Earth below and goad him on did much for Kamui's sense of adventure. When the swing reached it's peak he pushed off of it, sailing back down to the grassy surface.
It wasn't a graceful landing true, but no bones were broken and when Chiaki made a mad dash for the swing to try the trick himself, Kamui managed to get up and snag him before he went splat.
"Let's play on the slide now..."
"Godzilla!" Chiaki cried.
Godzilla was Kamui's least favorite game, and were it not that the alternative was dangerous swing acrobatics Kamui might have protested. He was reluctantly dragged to the sandbox in any case.
With any other child the game might have seemed innocent and uncomplicated. But Chiaki had always been a special child-- even if he lacked the powers of his lineage-- and the game stirred up dark trembling memories from Kamui's past. They coated his mood like rich, black molasses and drew him down into a well of pollution he didn't dare draw from anymore.
It was the past, and Chiaki deserved a father who wasn't secretly terrified of him.
Some days he could play along as if nothing were amiss and make little animated screams as the four year old's tiny feet came down on sand buildings. As he growled and hissed, tore up the sand streets and stomped out any defense the imaginary sand castle people might prepare.
Other days Kamui would stare dimly at the patterns the soles of Chiaki's sneakers left in the soft sand, wondering how he had ever found the strength to escape all that pain. He would look up and meet Yuzuriha's eyes-- concerned and darkly sympathetic, had she been watching them all this time?-- and try to drain all his regret and guilt out in one soft smile.
There were times in that first year when Chiaki would cry and Kamui could not go to him. He was so afraid of what he might see in those bright gold eyes, distantly terrified of the demons circling that crib.
Yu would wake up-- she stayed over often that first year-- take the boy in her arms, rock him gently and bring him to Kamui-- who sometimes shied away, sometimes accepted gingerly. Her eyes used to say 'it's just a baby, what are you afraid of silly?' warmly and softly ... she was never frustrated with him no matter how often it happened.
"What if I do something wrong?"
"You couldn't possibly," she assured him.
Distantly Kamui was not afraid of kindling sadistic tendencies in Chiaki, but the opposite. The kind, empathetic Fuuma had sacrificed his soul for him, Kamui was more terrified that this child might love him that much.
"They're not the same Kamui," she told him, pushing the baby's bottle into his hand. "You need to do this."
He did.
The feeling of a handful of sand being dumped on his head snapped the present into focus dramatically.
"Chiaki!!"
In retrospect he supposed among the many reasons he needed Yuzuriha the fact that she had a much more convincing 'your in trouble young man' voice was pretty high on the list. He shook the troublesome sand out of his hair as she scolded the boy for his mischief.
"We don't throw sand, got it?"
"Yes Mom..."
"I think play time is over for you, apologize and say goodbye to Dad."
Kamui looked at his watch, he told Subaru he'd pick him up at 7. Now would definitely be a good time to leave. After hugs and kisses and a bit of casual traffic maneuvering, Kamui arrived to pick up the second immature mind about to throw a temper tantrum.
"Feeling better?"
"I'm fine," Subaru announced, throwing aside the magazine he was skimming and getting out of bed none too slow. He was fully dressed and had probably been ready to go all day.
"How's your foot?"
"Fine, the swelling down. It's just a little sore ... I want to go home."
He was very antsy, as if there was a bomb in the hospital and if they didn't get out right away they would meet an awful fiery death.
Or worse yet, another night in the hospital.
For once Kamui was very calm and unconcerned about the urgency. "All the paperwork's taken care off?"
"Yes!" Subaru hissed, Kamui tried not to take that personally.
"And you're sure you're okay?"
"Fine," he stomped the wrong foot impatiently and immediately recoiled with a pained yelp.
"Uh-huh..."
"...Please take me home."
"Okay, okay..." Kamui really couldn't resist a plee like that now could he? He took Subaru's arm gently and walked them out, ignoring the way Subaru's gate was broken and clumsy. It was just a swollen foot. Remarkably it hadn't been broken or sprained or even twisted. Like many elements of Subaru's affliction it was without cause or reason.
Fifteen minutes later Kamui had decided that Tokyo hated him.
"No no no no no no! Goddamnit it's 8 o' clock on a Sunday!! Where are all you people going?!?!?!"
Subaru looked over the sea of car much bewildered. New Tokyo had been built right over old Tokyo and as a result not all areas followed a nice traffic flow pleasing grid pattern. Kamui was seriously considering blasting through the abandoned building and making his own goddamn road when a slightly less reckless move came to mind.
"Do you like Chinese?"
Subaru blinked, "I guess..."
"Good, my treat..." satisfied he cut across three lanes of traffic, hopped the island in the most illegal U-turn possible and headed towards his apartment.
"You look pale Subaru, sure you're all right?"
"Do you always drive like this?" Subaru gulped.
"Only on special occasions."
Kamui's biggest mistake was excusing himself to wash the meddlesome sand out of his hair before he took Subaru home. He had ordered some food from the restaurant below his apartment and had it brought up stairs since one look at Subaru told him that the man did not have the spirit for public dining. They had managed to have polite conversation without bringing up the considerable pains of the past.
He had been scratching his head trying to get the sand out of his hair all through dinner. Subaru said nothing about it, but he certainly gave Kamui his fair share of confused, slightly concerned looks.
"Lice?"
Kamui stared, the way the Sumeragi was chewing curiously he couldn't quite tell if he was serious suggesting that he had lice or not. "Sand." he corrected.
"Sand?"
"Yeah ... got sand in my hair."
"How'd you do that?" Subaru tilted his head to the side.
Just before he managed to incriminate himself he realized that he couldn't tell Subaru he was at the playground since he had sworn to the man that only the mountains of imaginary paper work he had to do could keep him from saving Subaru from the horrors of the hospital.
"Ahhh... well... you know," he shrugged. "Those crazy brokers. Would you mind if I took a quick shower before I take you home? I know it's late but this is driving me insane."
Subaru shook his head, and Kamui probably should have suspected some alternative motive...
The morning after Kamui hung in a dream like daze cuddled in the warmth of his bed and bedmate. He had waited four years for this, with no promise that it would ever return to him in this life. It had not been four long years, or four bitter years. They had not been hard to endure at all, instead they had been filled with many unique joys from the family Kamui had establish around him.
But his bed had always been the coldest and darkest of places to him. Four years his bed had never felt the warm comforting glow it felt now. The sun had never shown through the windows and lit the plain dreary bedroom with currents of gold as it did now. Could it be that their union had moved the heavens?
No, he was being idealistic clearly. And his common sense would return to him once he was more fully awake.
"Where's your boy?"
The words 'your boy' sounded very odd coming from Subaru indeed. Kamui looked up, pleased that he was a wash in greens, pale golds and blacks. Interesting that Subaru should compliment his bedroom so. "Eh," he replied in the vacant droopiness of sleep. "Yu is baby-sitting. She says she'll keep him for the weekend no problem."
He had no real desire to move any time soon. He was nestled comfortably against Subaru, the other's arms wrapped around him in an accepting embrace. Kamui could have stayed like this for another hour or two-- happily drifting in and out of sleep-- but he knew Subaru was getting restless.
"So what now?" he asked.
Subaru seemed momentarily surprised by the question and regarded it carefully before he decided upon a shrug for his answer.
"Will you go back to Kyoto?" Kamui provided. "And do the whole Sumeragi thing?"
"I don't know. I want to make sure things are settled here with her."
Now that he was awake Kamui couldn't help noticing Subaru was troubled. That his answers were empty and that his attention was not on their conversation at all. Kamui couldn't blame him, what had happened-- for indeed if it was right for it to happen at all-- had happened much too soon. It had been wonderful, especially since he hadn't had any kind of sexual release since he'd left Subaru, but it had been a foolish decision.
"Subaru..." he nudged him gently. "It's all right if you regret it."
The way Subaru tensed up it was almost as if his skin had jumped at the comment.
"You do regret it don't you?" Kamui asked sweetly. He was not offended by the thought. Now that the satisfaction had been reached, the events themselves weren't sitting right with him.
"No..." Subaru breathed, but even he didn't believe that. "It just wasn't ..."
"Go on."
"I thought it would fix something and it didn't. It was probably stupid to think sex could fix anything right Kamui?"
"Probably."
"Do you regret it?"
He did, but not in a way he could really express. He could only hit on one definite reason why it all seemed so wrong...
"I asked Yu to marry me once," he had no idea what possessed him to actually say it. Certainly while snuggled comfortably in bed with an old lover wasn't the best time to bring it up, but it was exactly this situation that fixated him on those alcohol laced memories.
Subaru shifted, justifiably uncomfortable with the conversation ... though he had seemed troubled all morning no doubt he felt that being so quick to open up old wounds was a mistake for both of them now. "She said no?"
"I dunno, she laughed and it started raining. We were both pretty drunk ... it was one of the few nights she managed to convince me to take a break and let a baby-sitter handle the little antichrist. But I was so worried and nervous about it that ... I guess I ended up drinking a little too much.
"We were both too wasted to drive so we started walking the ten or twelve city blocks home. We passed by a jewelry store, it was closed and dark but the gems still glittered in the streetlight. I asked her, cause at the time it made perfect sense..."
"So..." Subaru said dryly. "You could be cheating on your fiancee now."
"Yeah ... I guess so." That was the root of it, wasn't it? Yuzuriha and he weren't like that, but still it didn't seem right or fair to have something on the side like this.
"Yuzuriha, do you have a boyfriend?"
The knife stopped just short of her finger and backed away slowly from the radish it had been cutting. When she looked up Kamui's eyes were sincere and troubled, but she knew him well enough to know that he was rarely if ever direct about what troubled him.
"Well ... no, not right now." Yuzuriha was uncomfortable answering such a question. True they had shared many personal matters before, but this wasn't quite the same thing. "Why do you ask?"
Kamui flushed a color that rivaled the tomato he was cutting along side her. He didn't answer right away, the flustered strands of his hair swept into his eyes and he nervously pushed them away. The words kept repeating over and over in his head, in exactly the same way, in exactly the same tone, but he couldn't raise his voice from his throat. How hard could it be to speak the words? "I slept with Subaru."
There.
Moments later the knife continued it's dull clicking against the cutting board as Yuzuriha sliced vegetables for the dinner they were preparing. "Last night?"
Kamui nodded shyly. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"I know we're just friends, but it still feels like cheating."
"I see," she had a sigh that was remarkably comforting. He was sure discussing his sex life was not something Yu liked doing. "So if I have a boyfriend it doesn't seem as bad?"
She was smiling. "Yeah," Kamui shrugged. "Kind of, but I wanted to tell you about it anyway."
"Are you going to see him again?"
"I don't know." How easy would it be to just ask Yuzuriha's permission to keep sleeping with Subaru? Just set everything at her feet because he knew she would never deny him this. And yet, he didn't want to be a child about this, greedily and hungrily hoarding what he wanted without concern for others.
"You want to though," she mused.
In all honesty, he wasn't sure if that was true. Yes the pleasure of Subaru's touch was addictive, and he did care deeply for the man, but at the same time the guilt of satisfaction at the expensive of other people he loved was heavy. Which one was the thicker emotion? He honestly didn't know.
"Have you been ... I dunno ... 'faithful' to me Yuzuriha?"
"You mean have I been turning down the multitudes of suitors so that I can come home and cook your meals, clean up after you and your kid, smile and nod as you bang your head on the table over God knows what, and be prepared with hugs, kisses, cookies, and Band-Aids?" She grinned and smacked him playfully on the cheek. "Of course Kamui."
He chuckled, "I just ... this is a complicated relationship, I want to know where we stand. It's so easy to say we're friends, just good friends, but what the hell does that mean?"
She shrugged, "that we're not making out on the couch."
"Well duh ... but I think this whole mess would be simpler if we were. I mean you're Chiaki's mother, maybe not biologically, but I couldn't bear the thought of putting even the slightest distance between you two all the same."
"That's sweet Kamui," she patted him on the head and slid the vegetables onto the frying pan. "But no, I haven't turned down any advances for your sake. These will be done in a minute, set the table will you?"
He grabbed the bowls and plates from the cabinet and began laying them out. "I don't believe that, you're telling me that there's not one cock-sure grad student trying to woo you?"
"Oh well ...I never said that," Yuzuriha commented with a wink. "I just don't turn them down for your sake."
"Then what?"
"There's just always something missing." She tossed a spare piece of beef in Inuki's direction, the spirit dog snatched it up with a pleased yelp and Kamui got the point.
"Oh..."
"I'm not the same as I was as a child Kamui. I'd like to think that I could love someone who couldn't see Inuki, and I've tried ... but there's always a void in the relationship. I feel like the person will never really know me or understand me, because they're missing such a critical part of my life."
"So it's all or nothing? If you can't have a serious relationship with someone, there's no point in any relationship?"
"Floating around in meaningless relationships isn't anymore comforting ... or any less lonely than the way things are now. There was a person long ago I wanted to be with in a serious way." She sighed a little sadly, and that was the only tremor disturbing her perfect ease. "But that was cut short and there's no point in dwelling on mistakes you can't change."
"I'm sorry, you deserve so much more than this."
"Do I? ... I dunno Kamui, I think things are all right exactly the way they are. I'm not lonely, and the truth is, you're a much better friend than you think you are. You're a much greater comfort to me than you realize ... Dinner's ready."
She was swept away in the flurry of activity as food was placed on the table and Chiaki circled the kitchen demanding explanations on everything his parents were trying to pass off as food.