I do not mean in any way to offend the seriousness of the book! (oh, and I apologize beforehand to all Legolas fans. It's not that incredibly bad, is it?)
(The company has just arrived at the walls of Moria. There is a glowing doorway in front of them. There also happens to be a giant flesh-eating monster in the water behind them, but they don't know that.)
Gandalf- (looking important.) Stand back! Only I know the password! (Turns towards the door and starts brandishing staff ferociously.) Fladnag odorf esiwmas codairem nirgerep nrogara rimorob salogel ilmig! (Nothing happens.)
Gandalf- (angirly.) Leirdalagdnorlelidabmob!!!!! (Nothing happens. Merry steps forward.)
Merry- Uhh, cheeseburger? (The door starts glowing brightly. The company looks on, expecting something extravagant.)
Everyone- Ooooooooo! (The door opens revealing a dark stone entryway.)
Everyone but Gimli- (disappointed) Awwwwww!
Gimli- I know! Isn't it great? (As the fellowship begins filing in a giant tentacle bursts out of the water and grabs onto Frodo's leg.)
Frodo- Ahhhh! Sam help! Something has got me! (Sam turns around.)
Sam- Begging your pardon, sir, but what are you talking about? (Frodo cries out again because the tentacle has pulled him to the ground and is dragging him into the water. The whole company looks back, puzzled, because they can't see the tentacle. Then it picks him up and begins whipping him around. All the rest of the company sees is Frodo floating wildly in the air.)
Legolas- Wow, Frodo! You have to teach me that levitation thing!
Sam- Mr. Frodo, come back to the ground this instant! (Frodo sees a giant mouth come out of the water. It has huge teeth and worst of all horrible breath. The smell is so bad that Frodo passes out.)
Pippin- Uh, Frodo? I'm with Sam. You're sort of freaking me out!
Boromir- (looking super-scared) I've read about this! He's being possessed by an evil spirit and is going to swoop down and suck out our souls!!!! Ahhhh!
Pippin- (steps forward and happens to feel the invisible tentacle.) Hmmm…. I think there's more to this than there seems. (Detective music plays.) Brilliant deduction! (He climbs up the invisible tentacle. When at the top he bites into the rubbery flesh and the monster screams. Frodo and Pippin fall into the water as the monster goes away.)
Gandalf- Enough levitation tricks! Let's go! (Frodo is still unconscious so Gandalf smacks him and he wakes up.)
Frodo- Wow! Thanks for saving me!
Aragorn- Yeah, well, we always knew that your sanity was on the brink.
Pippin- You are welcome! And another life is saved by Pip! Coolio detective! (They enter the mines.)
Gimli- Ahhh! I love the refreshing smell of stone!
Legolas- (spraying air freshener in the air) Yeah, real……refreshing. (They look around. There are old skeletons all over the place and the floor is covered in dust.)
Gimli- Great scott! My friends…….my family! Waaaaaaaaa! (Recovers quickly.) Oh, well. Didn't like 'em anyway.
Boromir- We gotta get outta here! Whatever killed this bunch could get us! (They turn to go, but suddenly a tentacle of the monster smashes the door to bits and blocks the way. The company sees the tentacle this time.)
Giant squid thing- Ha! That'll teach the little rat to bite me!
Gandalf- Gracious me! What was that tentacle thingie!
Frodo- It was the squid thing! The same one that attacked me before we came in here! He had big, sharp teeth, and oh my goodness! Smelly breath and-
Merry- (pitying his insanity) Right Frodo! Now calm down, ok? No more giant squids!
Frodo- But Merry! There was-
Sam- Mr. Frodo, why don't you sit down for a minute?
Gandalf- No time for that, Master Samwise! Now on! On and to our deaths!
Aragorn- Oh, very encouraging. (They walk down a dark passage. They walk for five hours when when Frodo hears footsteps behind them, but sees nothing there. Then he hears a creepy whispering voice.)
Creepy whispering voice- Caution my precioussss, caution! Nasssty hobbitses blind but not deaf, oh no! Not unless we stuffs corksess in their ears! (Frodo shivers)
Frodo- (whispering) Sam, did you just hear a voice?
Sam- (puzzled) Voice? Begging your pardon, sir, but yours is the first voice I've heard for hours.
Creepy whispering voice- Oh, yesss, juicy they are! And tricksy! But ssstupid! Not like uss, oh no precious. Umph! (There's a sound like someone running into a brick wall. Frodo grabs Sam's shoulder.)
Frodo- There! There it is!
Sam- Just an echo, probably, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo- But I heard-
Aragorn- Oh, no. Not hearing voices are we?
Frodo- It was all hissy and squeaky and it said-
Gandalf- Hush! You're giving me a headache! Ah! Finally the passage! (There are three doors in front of them.)
Gandalf- Um, yes! I have a memory of this place. It's just buried very deep in my brain. (Suddenly cheesy game show music begins playing and a … um….something appears in a spotlight. It has black skin, bloodshot eyes, and blonde hair and it is wearing a bright pink skirt and blouse and a lot of makeup. I suppose it was supposed to look like a girl but, well, it didn't. It started speaking in a far too high-pitched voice.)
Supposed-to-be-girl- Welcome to the choose-a-door show! I'm your host, Cindy Bunns! So, will it be door #1, door #2, or door #3? (Gandalf puts a hand on his chin and stares at the doors intently.)
Gandalf- Door #1, Miss Bunns! (He points to the door on the left.)
Supposed-to-be-girl- Wonderful choice! But before I let you go through, you must give me a golden ring!
Gandalf- But we need it! Can't you let us go?
Supposed-to-be-girl- Sorry, but it's the rules! (There's an evil glint in its eye and it snickers.)
Gandalf- Well, if it's the rules, we must! We have to go on our quest, no matter what the cost. Give her the ring, Frodo.
Supposed-to-be-girl- Yes, yessss! (Frodo gives the company a murderous glance. Then the things hair slides, revealing a bald spot.)
Pippin- Hmmm….. I think there's more to this than there seems. (Detective music plays) Brilliant deduction! (He runs up to the thing and whips off it's wig and rubs off its makeup. The thing screams and hisses.)
Gollum- Nassssty! Nasssty! Took uss five whole minutes to get on our makeups! (It runs away.)
Pippin- Ha! And another ring is saved by Pip! Coolio detective!
Gandalf- What on Middle-Earth was that!
Frodo- It was that same creeping thing that was following us! And it had a hissy voice and it said I was juicy and-
Aragorn- No more tall tales, Frodo! I ought to send you to time-out!
Gimli- Could we please just continue?
Boromir- No! I'm tired! Let's sleep.
Gandalf- Oh, all right. Let's find a cozy corner to lie down in. (They find a stone room big enough for all of them, which has a big hole in the middle of it. They all begin to lie down to sleep.)
Pippin- (Not tired. To Legolas.) Hey. What are you doing?
Legolas- (Fidgeting with teeth.) Oh….uh. Just….cleaning my teeth! I wish I had a toothbrush.
Pippin- (Unbelieving.) Hmmm….I think there's more to this than there seems! (Detective music plays.) Brilliant deduction! (He grabs Legolas's teeth and yanks them out.)
Pippin- Ha! Legolas wears dentures!
Legolas- Oy ou lil!!!!! (He picks up a pebble and throws it at Pippin. Pippin ducks and the pebble falls down the hole in the floor. There are little ping! ping! sounds and Gandalf wakes up. Legolas looks around frantically and points at Pippin.)
Legolas- Ith woth him!
Pippin- Na uh! It was not! Legolas was just angry because-
Gandalf- You fool of a Took! Quit your lying! And throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity! (A shower of spit lands on Pippin. Then there's a shout from someplace deep in the hole.)
Harsh voice- Hey! Something just hit my nose! Is someone throwing pebbles?
Harsh voice #2- Wasn't me! It came from up there. There must be something lurking.
Harsh voice #3- Well, let's get them. If it's that Cindy Bunns again I'll fry her! (Laughter ringing in the depths. The fellowship stands still for 5 seconds, then begins running frantically out the door, Legolas still in the process of replacing his teeth.)
Pippin- Don't push, Merry!
Merry- But you are such a slow runner!
Gimli- Stop bickering you two! You're slowing us all down!
Shout from behind- Gangways! (Gollum bowls through them, knocking them to the floor. He looks back while he's running and smacks into a wall, shakes himself and runs into a room.)
Gandalf- Come! We will make a stand in that room! (They all follow. There is a large tombstone in the room and Gimli falls to his knees.)
Gimli- Bailin! No! Bailin! You promised me we would watch the Sesame Street marathon together! What's Big Bird without you? (He begins weeping uncontrollably. Gollum, who happens to be hanging onto a rock in the ceiling, looks down on the crying dwarf.)
Gollum- Big Bird? We likes Big Bird! Tassssty yellow feathers, yessss. Yess indeed! (The company shuts the doors and draw their weapons. There are some giant booms and scary music when finally the beasts burst through the door. Then the fighting begins.)
Boromir- (While cutting off some orc arms. To Sam.) I do not like this, Sam-I-Am. I would rather have green eggs and ham! (Sam gives him an odd look while stabbing his first monster.)
Sam- Begging your pardon? You have no leave to call me Sam-I-Am!
Boromir- (While cutting off a head.) Don't ya want a nickname?
Sam- (Draws out a pan and begins hitting orcs)No sir, meaning no offence. Not unless, of course, I can call you Captain Greasy-head. (Boromir decides to ignore this and turns to Aragorn.)
Boromir- I do not like this.
Aragorn- Nor does anyone else, now keep fighting and keep quiet! (Everyone is fighting furiously. Everyone, that is, except Frodo. He is simply watching because he can't remember where he put his sword. Then, a huge hand grabs him from behind and pulls him behind a giant pillar. Frodo is face to face with a monstrous cave troll.)
Cave Troll- Grrr!
Frodo- Ahhhhh! (Unfortunately, the others hear his scream but cannot see where he is because the pillar hides him from view. Frodo feels wildly for his sword and finally finds it in the hood of his cloak. He swipes at the troll's foot, but his aim is off and all he does is hue off one abnormally long toenail. It throws Frodo against a wall. As the hobbit is standing up, the troll thrusts a spear into his chest. Frodo's eyes roll and he falls forward unmoving. Meanwhile the rest of the company has finished off all the orcs. Gollum creeps quietly out the door, not seeming to notice that an orc arrow is sticking out of his fleshless rear. Legolas cheers.)
Legolas- We won! Oh, yeah! We won the battle!
Sam- Yes, sir. We did. But has anyone seen Mr. Frodo? (They look around the chamber and find Frodo behind the pillar still unmoving. They turn him over and he gasps for breath.
Aragorn- Frodo! Sleeping in the middle of a battle! Shame on you!
Frodo- What! I wasn't sleeping! I've been fighting. There was a troll and he was huge and monstrous and had horrid breath! All monsters seem to, don't they? But he-
Gandalf- Enough! Say no more! I for one shall not listen! I will no longer tolerate- (There is a roar from behind and the cave troll attacks. Legolas turns and easily shoots him with an arrow. The troll screams and runs out of the room.)
Gandalf- My goodness! What on Middle-Earth was that?
Frodo- It was the troll! The same one that attacked me! He grabbed me from behind and he had a spear and he stabbed me! But I'm not hurt because I have mithril but I think I have a bruise, and he-
Gandalf- I told you, no more! Now to the bridge of……
Boromir- Of….?
Gandalf- Oh, I don't remember it's stinking name! Come! To the bridge! (They begin running down a gigantic hall with orcs shooting arrows at them. Then the orcs begin running away like scared chipmunks and a glow fills the hall.)
Legolas- (scared.) Oh my, oh my, oh my!
Gandalf- A…A balrog! What an evil fate! And I am already weary. (It begins getting very hot.)
Pippin- Phew! It's hot in here! An ice cream would be lovely just now! (He stops and pulls a weird little machine out of his pack. He cranks it and an ice cream cone pops out.) Makes a delicious treat in less than ten seconds! (He presumes running, while at the same time licking his cone. They come to the bridge. Pippin looks back and sees a giant ball of fire marching towards them. He screams and drops his cone. As he begins running across the bridge, he slips on his own ice cream and falls, catching hold of the edge of the rock.)
Merry- Pip, old pal! Hang on! (Looks around frantically.) Anyone have a rope? (Everyone shakes head.) We need a rope! We need a…(His eyes come to rest on Gimli, who backs away.)
Gimli- No! You're not thinking- (Merry runs forward and cuts off one of Gimli's thick braids. Gimli is absolutely astonished and stands there as though petrified. Merry lowers the hair to Pippin, who grabs on and is pulled up. Now the whole company except for Gandalf is across the bridge. Gandalf stops halfway and turns towards the balrog.)
Gandalf- Go away!
Balrog- Grrrrrr! Roar!
Gandalf- Well, it was worth a try! You cannot pass!
I am sorry, but this is where I end. There are some things in this book that I will never be able to joke about and this is one of them. I'm very sorry but I hope you enjoyed the rest of it! By the way, sorry it took so long to put up!
Written January 6, 2003