Saying no to You

Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin *SLASH) James Potter/Lily Evans

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mine. It belongs to the queen, JK Rowling. I'm not getting anything out of this except for enjoyment and feedback. None of the characters in this story are mine, except for some of Sirius's flings and Lily's friends. Please don't sue me.

A/N: Thank you for reviewing. Your comments and opinions mean a lot to me.

~Chapter Three: Change of Heart~

Remus looked over at Sirius as they all laughed at the prank they'd just pulled on the Slytherins, including Snape and Lucius Malfoy. He caught his breath and felt as though his legs would turn to jelly. It really should be illegal for someone to be so attractive. Sirius made even the regulation black school robes look sexy. Remus prayed that none of the others could hear his heart pounding as he studied Sirius.

            Sirius turned his gaze to Remus and their eyes locked. Remus blushed and willed himself to look away, but his body disobeyed the direct order. There was a strange gleam in Sirius's eyes, though Remus dismissed it as premature tears of mirth. James was still laughing full force, while Peter's nervous giggles mixed with the louder sound strangely. Remus blocked them out – he was oblivious to all but Sirius.

            Finally, Sirius looked away. He was turning pink now, blushing, though Remus couldn't understand why. Had he been obvious about his feelings? Was Sirius angry, or embarrassed about something? After all, Remus personally believed that he'd been good at disguising his interest in Sirius. No one, not even sharp-eyed James, had suspected a thing. Perhaps Remus had been taking pride in his ability to keep the secret a bit too soon. He would rather be in love with Sirius in secret than lose his friendship over something as petty as a suspicion.

            As he climbed into bed that night, he watched Sirius as the other boy undressed quite hurriedly. Remus couldn't help but wonder, Is that the way he does it when he's going to sleep with somebody? He'd never really thought about Sirius in that light before. For that matter, he'd always felt that Sirius's constant escapades with girls were pointless and sickening. Why, of all things, had Sirius chosen to shag everyone he found even remotely attractive?

            Sirius looked over and noticed his gaze. "Are you okay, Moony? You seemed so distant tonight."

            "Oh, you noticed," Remus said.

            Sirius was taken aback. "What do you mean by that?"

            Remus shrugged. "I thought you were busy thinking about the next girl you wanted to sleep with, that's all," he said, his tone verging on bitter. "After all, isn't that the only thing you care about these days?"

            "Moony," Sirius said, sounding hurt. Good, thought Remus. He feels guilty. "Why did you tell me now, and not sooner?"

            Remus nearly fell off of his bed. That wasn't the reply he'd been expecting. He could only stare at Sirius, his jaw slack. Of course, the fact that Sirius was so very attractive didn't help matters. Neither did the fact that he was now shirtless. "I – I – I don't know," he admitted quickly, before Sirius said anything else.

            "I have been thinking," said Sirius. "But not about all the girls I want to shag." Remus raised a bemused eyebrow, and Sirius felt himself blushing profusely. "I don't think I really want to do that kind of thing anymore." He looked meaningfully into Remus's eyes, and Remus shivered. That powerful gaze combined with the strange raw passion burning within it made his stomach flutter and sent a chill creeping up his spine. "There's more to life than having sex with all the girls in the school."

            "Oh," Remus said, blushing. "After all the girls, I thought…"

            "Hell, I'm sick of screwing every girl that looks my way," Sirius said, sitting down on the bed beside Remus. He was so close that Remus could feel the warmth radiating from his half-clothed body.

            Remus tried to speak, but his voice failed him. He closed his mouth and looked away, feeling a blush creeping over him again. Something about the way Sirius was looking at him made him uncomfortable. It wasn't that he didn't like it – rather, he enjoyed the interest that gleamed in the other boy's eyes – but he didn't know quite what to do about it. Remus had never cared for anyone before the same way he did about Sirius. James was his best friend, Peter needed protection and assistance, but Sirius was something else. Remus wanted to love him, hold him and claim him as his own, but he held himself back. For a long time now, he'd been terrified that one of them would discover his secret. And with Sirius obviously interested in girls…

            "I'll tell you a secret, Moony," Sirius's voice interrupted Remus's thoughts. "One that I haven't even told James." He leaned close to Remus, hot breath tickling his ear. He added in a barely audible whisper, "I don't even like it that much. Girls are overrated. I've only kept it up so long because I have a reputation." He leaned back and smiled at Remus. "If you ever need to talk about anything, I'll listen. No matter what it is. You know I care." He brushed ghostly fingertips against Remus's cheek. "Good night."

            Remus watched blankly as Sirius closed his hangings, finished changing, and went to bed. Then he put a hand to his cheek. Had Sirius Black – the boy he secretly loved and longed for, the boy whom all the girls swooned over – just touched him? Not just with concern, or with friendliness. There was another, better hidden message that the simple touch conveyed.

            Smiling to himself, reveling in the secret that he and Sirius alone shared, Remus closed the hangings around his bed and went to sleep.

Remus woke up late the next morning and saw that Sirius had already gone. His sheets were still rumpled, but otherwise, there was no trace that Sirius had been there. Remus got dressed quickly and went down to the common room, leaving Peter to his snores.

           James and Sirius were sitting in two chairs very close to the fire, laughing about their prank on the Slytherins. Remus sighed; you could end the prank for James and Sirius, but you couldn't end the prank in them. Sometimes he wondered what they planned to do with their lives after Hogwarts. He approached their chairs and cleared his throat gently to let them know that he was there. James jumped. "Oy! Good morning, Moony!" he said cheerfully.

            "Hello, Prongs…Padfoot." Remus felt himself blushing as he met Sirius's eyes. Why do I have to be so bloody obvious about it? He allowed himself to smile briefly before sitting down to join them. "So, why are you two up so early?"

            "Prongs woke me up," Sirius said, sticking his tongue out at James.

            "Hey, I needed someone to talk to," James countered. "Besides, I figured you would be awake by then."

            "Well, I wasn't."

            James wasn't listening anymore. He was looking past Sirius towards the stairs to the girls' dormitory. Remus turned around and saw that Lily Evans was coming down from her dormitory. He looked back at James, whose eyes were glazed over. Remus held back a snort of amusement. Lily was a prefect, and an excellent student. She was also very popular. Most of the boys in the school would feel honored to get so much as a glance from her. "Good morning, James," she said pleasantly as she neared their chairs. "Hello Sirius, Remus." She smiled back at James before going out the portrait hole.

            Sirius caught Remus's eye and winked. "Prongsie, I think she fancies you," he said teasingly.

            "Shut up," said James, turning a brilliant shade of magenta.

            "Oh, my little Prongs is all grown up and ogling Lily," Sirius said in a mock-motherly voice.

            "I said, shut up." James was bright red from the neck of his robes to the roots of his hair.

            Sirius only laughed and exchanged another look with Remus, who couldn't help but laugh with him. He always felt so light and carefree with Sirius, at least when they were not alone. But oh, when it was just the two of them… He always felt himself break into a nervous sweat, his heartbeat would race, and he would feel the blood coloring his face. Sirius, however, seemed wholly comfortable with whatever situation was handed to him.

            The silence was broken when Peter came trudging down from the dormitory. "We have that test in History of Magic today," he said glumly. "What am I supposed to do? I don't know anything!"

            "I'll help you, Wormtail," offered James.

            Peter's beady eyes filled with tears. "Thanks, James. You're a lifesaver. How would I ever finish it without you?"

            "It's only a bit of help," James said, slightly embarrassed. "Really, it's nothing."

            The four boys went out the portrait hole and headed down to breakfast. As they approached the Great Hall, they could hear laughter erupting from within. After exchanging curious glances, they went in and took seats at the Gryffindor table.

            It was automatically obvious why the hall was bursting with laughter. Snape, Malfoy, and the three other Slytherin boys were still wearing the hideous makeup that had come courtesy of the Marauders. Snape's face was bright red beneath the lurid pink blush, and Malfoy was seething with rage. Even their fellows were sniggering and whispering to one another.

            Sirius burst out laughing and fell out of his seat. James tried to help him up, but was laughing too hard and ended up joining Sirius on the floor. Remus rushed to their aid, but he seized up with laughter and fell to his knees. It was the most he'd laughed in a long time, even more than after they'd finished the prank. Peter, however, was capable of helping them back up. Remus went to his seat across from Sirius and tried to hold back his laughter. Unfortunately, he didn't succeed. When his stomach began to hurt from all the laughter, and he was hardly able to breathe anymore, he finally managed to stop.

            Sirius was looking at him again. He felt himself blushing, but he didn't take his eyes away from Sirius's. James and Peter were too busy eating, but Sirius was ignoring the food in front of him. Remus had blocked everything out except for Sirius. The memory of the secret they shared – of Sirius's breath warm against his ear as he spoke, and of the light touch of Sirius's fingertips – sent a satisfying tingle up Remus's spine. He felt himself smile involuntarily at Sirius, and the other boy blushed to the roots of his raven hair. Remus looked down and began serving food onto his plate. As he began to eat, he felt Sirius's eyes on him. For some reason, though, the idea didn't embarrass him. He wasn't even nervous. He glanced up at Sirius again between bites, smiled a tiny, close-lipped smile, and went back to his breakfast.

Peter whimpered as they left History of Magic. "That was the hardest test he's given all year," he cried in despair. "I bet you I failed it."

            "Aw, it's not that bad, Wormtail," James offered comfortingly. "I'm sure you did just fine."

            "Easy for you to say! You always get the best marks," Peter wailed. "I get the worst ones of the whole class!"

            "Cheer up," James said. "Be glad it's over."

            However, he didn't wait to hear what Peter might say. He was already staring at Lily as she passed. "Hi, James," she said, offering a broad grin. James turned and winked to his friends, then left to chat with her.

            "What does he think he's doing?" asked Sirius incredulously. "He has homework."

            "Do you think he cares?" Remus watched James go. "Give him a break, Padfoot. He deserves one."

            "Mmph," Sirius said, though not in a disgruntled way. "And I don't?"

            "I never said that." Remus felt himself blushing.

            Sirius grinned and cocked his head in that doglike way of his. Peter was busy talking to another unfortunate soul like himself, and they were walking alone towards Gryffindor tower. Before Sirius could say anything, however, Remus said, "You know what you said last night?"

            "Yeah," Sirius was still smiling, though he seemed slightly nervous about something.

            "I meant to ask – what did you mean?"

            "When?"

            "When you said that girls are overrated. The whole thing. What made you change your mind about sleeping around the way you did?" Remus eyed his friend, feeling his blush deepening as his eyes bored into Sirius.

            "You."

            "Me?"

            "Yes, you," Sirius said. He was solemn now, not even a smile in his eyes. "It hurt you that I was sleeping around. I know that now." He stopped and Remus stopped with him, utterly confused at what he was being told. "You're more important to me than all those girls combined, you know." He brushed his fingers against Remus's cheek again in another ethereal touch, causing Remus to shiver involuntarily. "It started out when I was just experimenting. I wanted to know what it was like. The first time, it was clumsy. The second, it was great. The third…well, it had lost its touch by then. After that, it was all reputation. That, and there were so many more girls that I figured it wouldn't always be the same. I wanted to find just the right one." He took a deep, shaking breath. "I didn't," he said. "I don't care anymore. What's the point if your heart's not in it?"

            "There is no point," Remus replied softly. "Only blind habits."

            Sirius smiled lightly. "I don't want to be that way anymore, Moony."

            "I know,  Padfoot," said Remus. "I know."

A/N: Cliffhanger!