The doorknob turned with a slight creak, going unnoticed by Aya as he strode down the hall and into the kitchen. Strands of crimson hair in his eyes, Aya made the blackest, strongest coffee in the house (which he shared with Youji) and made a small pot of rice for breakfast. // I need to get more of that rice from the corner store soon, otherwise I'll be eating that disgusting, sugary cereal with Omi and Ken…// Aya thought as he dumped the rice into a little bowl and got a pair of chopsticks. // Or maybe I'll end up starving in the mornings, like Youji does… better than eating sugar and a little milk with tiny bits of cereal floating in the mixture. // Going down the stairs with refilled coffee mug and bowl of rice in hand, Aya shouldered aside the door to the backyard -
// More like "back driveway"…// - and was immediately greeted by the unique scent of Youji's special brand of cigarettes. Aya went over to the picnic table that had taken up residence in the driveway and sat down, nodding good morning to Youji before beginning to eat. // I wonder if I should take up smoking… he looks so peaceful and relaxed when he takes a drag… but it would ruin my lungs…// His teammate sat astride the bench on the opposite side of the table, leaning on the rough wood of the tabletop with dreamy disregard for his clothes.
Shijin no kao egaita Ichimai no shouzouKabe ni kakerareta mama
Kako wo samayotteru
(I'd painted the face of a poet
A single lonely portrait
It yet hangs from the wall
Lost within the past.)
The regularity with which Aya's chopsticks moved from bowl to lips decreased as time went on. He occasionally sipped at the coffee, one of the only Western foods he could stand. Mostly, though, the usually tense team leader just sat, soaking up the faint rays of sun that penetrated through the clouds. // I wonder why he's always out here when I come outside in the mornings? I mean, he stays up late enough so that he should have to sleep until three in the afternoon to make up the sleep debt…// Youji took another drag on his cigarette, blowing the smoke out through his mouth and into the air above the two men. It curled lazily, drifting a little further away and off to one side with each passing second. Youji watched it go, heavy-lidded with contentment. Aya watched the bird in the tree across the street hop around its nest. Youji blew a smoke ring, and then another, watching curiously as they almost went through one another, but not quite.
No one, No one. Hitori de ikiteru oreNo one, No one. Naze darou. Doko ka niteru
(No one, No one. I exist alone
No one, No one. Why is that? Have I been here
Before?)
The only sounds were the quiet rushing sound that a city always makes and the sound of Youji and Aya's breathing, loud enough to be heard but soft enough not to break the quiet feeling. // This always reminds me of the times I would go with my sister to the shrine in the early mornings, before anyone else was up and before school started… The quiet sounds that the leaves make the only thing we could hear besides out own feet… Sometimes I'm glad there's someone else my age in Weiß- Omi and Ken have no appreciation for the quiet moments in life. Always they are making noise, rushing around- at least Youji will be quiet for more than two seconds.// The smoke from the cig drifted around their heads and away, not staying around for long enough to make Aya cough. Aya's hands lay relaxed on the wood, for once not clenched in anger or tension. Youji rested his head on one long-fingered hand, the other periodically drifting up to his mouth for a taste of smoke and then away again. Aya gradually shifted his attention from the bird and the smoke to Youji himself, not realizing it until too late.
Imawashii kioku dakeOre no naka ni aru
Akai chi to majirai
Nikushimi ni kawaru
(Only these terrible, frightening memories
Exist inside of me.
When mixed with crimson blood
It transforms into hatred)
// His fingers hold that white tube to his lips so lovingly… such grace even when he's half-asleep and inhaling smoke… his eyes are almost drugged-looking, but not quite, with their sleepy look and heavy lids, smudged-looking and almost like a little boy. He looks so relaxed, so quiet-like he could fall asleep or disappear any second… I love the way his hair falls in his face, deep brown and curling around delicate cheekbones and lustrous eyes that stare out of his beautiful face, pale and yet tanned, like a painting of a gypsy or an angel… they have look of such intensity- oh god! He- I'm- oh my god, I was staring at him! He noticed me staring at him- oh no, now he's smiling like he knows- Urgh. I am leaving. Why was I staring at him, anyways? Maybe I should play it cool and not leave… then he might not suspect as much. Yes. I will stay. // Aya caught himself as he was about to blush and looked away instead, studiously avoiding any hints of being flustered. Youji smiled secretively to himself when the redhead carefully turned his head to look elsewhere, certain he could pull it off without Youji noticing his near-embarrassment.
No world, No world. Kaereru sekai mo nai
No words, No words. Kotoba wa kudakechitta
No one, No one. Hitori de ikiteru ore
No one, No one. Kako kara tooku hanare
(No world, No world. No world to return to
No words, No words. All my words have been crushed
No one, No on. I exist alone
No one, No one. I'll wander far from the present)
Eventually, the silence was broken by the sound of the neighbors turning on their radio very, very loud. Youji lost the little-boy look and glanced up at their windows, trying to hear what was on. Aya sighed almost without sound, vaguely annoyed and yet relieved at the interruption. One finger traced the rough grain of the wood while he stared at it, about to get up. Suddenly, Youji's husky, smoke-roughened alto broke out into song, or rather humming, as the radio song became more audible. // I hate this song… It's so annoyingly sappy…. // Aya thought as "Junigatsu no Love Song" by Gackt drifted out of the open windows of the house next door. // I liked all his other stuff, but this song is just too idiotic. For instance, when he was with Malice Mizer- now that was a good band. Too bad it broke up…. I wonder if Mana'll go solo….? // Aya let loose another sigh as the stupid pop song played on. Then, suddenly, it was switched to another station, a news station. Aya almost sighed again in relief, but thought better of it- that would be too many sighs in the course of two minutes.
Aoi kamen tsukeRekishi ni odotta
Itsuka wasurerare
Soshite kiete ikou
(I'll don a Blue Mask
And dance through history
And finally, someday
I'll fade away)
Youji stopped humming and looked at his cigarette while it burned. "I never liked that song anyways. It was too poppy- and not Gackt's style at all. He's much better than that."
Youji's voice rang into the quiet that had stood in between them for forty-five minutes, startling Aya enough to get him to half jump off the bench.
"…Yeah." Was all he said, but even that much was a surprise to both Youji and the redhead himself. "Yeah, you're right." Aya relaxed again, daydreaming to himself.
// When Aya-chan wakes up, we'll go on a picnic together… Aya-chan and me and Ken, Omi, and Youji… We'll have a nice house in a residential part of Tokyo… Omi will graduate from high school and go to university… Ken might get more time for his soccer kids… Aya will smile and laugh at me again-//
"…think this is more appropriate… here goes nothing, with my vocals shot from smoking." And the sometime playboy cleared his throat started to sing yet again, this time with the words, too, not just humming.
"Aishi hajimeta ano hi kara boku wa kawari hajimeta / anata dake wo mitsumeraretara ii to / anata wa itsumo ano niwa de sabishisou ni tatazumi / chitte yuku hana dake wo mitsumete ita" His voice wove up and down, seemingly without control, but the whole thing sort of wove together. Aya listened, aware that the song was a love song- // what? How is this "more appropriate"?! He couldn't be the one… // - but at the same time oddly unable to move or talk or do anything but listen. It was, after all, a good song, even if he didn't want a teammate serenading him at a picnic table in the driveway at this early hour- or any other hour, in fact. Youji was still singing.
"Todokanai negai wa setsunaku kokoro ni kizu wo tsuketa / me no mae ni fusagatta genjitsu dake ga boku wo ima mo zutto / nayamaseta muse kaeru kuuki dake ga boku wo / wasurenai you ni…" The song was full of breathy, quick pauses and odd rhythms, and half of the longer words were shortened or slurred over. Aya couldn't imagine how hard it would be to sing such a thing without at least some vocal training, and Youji seemed to be doing a pretty good job.
"GARDEN itsu no hi ka wa deaeru to negatta – itsumo / GARDEN sugi yuku kono kisetsu no nake de itsu made mo… anata wo …." Youji's voice was still hoarse but had warmed up to the tune, and Aya was almost released from his spell. // I should get up. I should get up right now and walk out. I should go visit Aya-chan at the Magic Bus. I should… I…//
"Karete yuku kanashii hana wa ikusen no yoru wo mita / sepia iro ni yuki utsushita anata no sugata / wasuretai wasuretakunai mujunna kimochi sae mo / nejifuseta boku ga soko ni tada hitori tachi tsukushita / sabishige ni yuki dake ga –"
Aya finally made his legs work and stumbled into a standing position. Youji looked up at him, stopping in the middle of a verse to stare at the redhead in open confusion. Aya could tell he was wondering what he had done. // Well, let him wonder! // the team leader snarled into his own head. // Let him wonder! // He glared at Youji's upturned face, turned, and stumbled over to the door, not looking back, his hands clenched into fists again.
Hohoemi wo tazusaetaKazoku no shouzou
Noroi dake tokenu mama
Ima mo ano hi no mama
No more, No more. Namida wa dare no tame ni
No more, No more. Afurete tsuchi ni kaeru
No world, No world. Hohoemu sekai mo nai
No words, No words. Aiseru kotoba mo nai
No one, No one. Hitori de ikiteru ore
No one, No one. Kako kara tooku hanare
No one, No one. Hitori de ikiteru ore
No one, No one. Naze darou. Dokoka niteru
(I carried my smile in my hand
In a portrait of my family
Just to ease my curse now a bit
Just like on that day
No more, No more. Who are these tears for?
No more, No more. They return to the earth and vanish.
No world, No world. No world left to smile in
No words, No words. No more words of love.
No one, No one. I exist alone
No one, No one. I'll wander far away from the past
No one, No one. I exist alone
No one, No one. Why is that? Have I been here before?)
As Aya staggered up the stairs, emotions and reactions fighting in his head, Youji just sat at the table and stared at the door. He shrugged, looked at his long-burned-out cigarette, and hummed a few bars of the song he had been singing, picking at a splinter on the table's top.
Aya lurched into the hall and to his room, opening the door and practically falling through it in his sudden lack of balance. Collapsing on his bed, the redhead's shoulders shook as he sobbed, unsure about what he was crying for, or who, or why. All he knew was that the song Youji had been singing wouldn't leave him alone- it was following him, invading his personal space, taking over his brain so he couldn't think of anything else.
Wasuretai wasuretakunai mujunna kimochi sae mo….(I want to forget, I don't want to forget, these contradictory feelings….)
Author's note: Hey everyone! Once again, I have a new chapter for you. Once again, it's a songfic. In case you hadn't noticed, the entire thing is gonna be songfics, because I like my stories to have "sound tracks." In this chappie, there are two songs- the one I started out using is "Blue Mask," sung by Koyasu Takehito (Aya's seiyuu, if you didn't know that already.) The second one, which I ***ABSOLUTELY ADORE*** is called "GARDEN," and it's by Dir en grey. I love that song. I really do. *acts weird about song* Okay, 'nuff of that.
Special Thanks/Comments for:
-neko jita. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have gotten this far, and it wouldn't be nearly as good as it is. (I'm not saying it's the best fic in the world, but… it would be worse, trust me. Much worse.) Thanks also for the beta reading. Arigatou!!!
-Keeshe. Thanks for being so enthusiastic! I'm always happy when someone likes my fics…. Unfortunately, I have to apologize, because this one isn't gonna be a RanKen— my favorite pairing is-- well, in order not to give it away for those of you who haven't already guessed who's gonna end up w/ Aya in the end, I'll just say this: there is an element of RanKen, but it's not the main point.
However--- since I don't want you t get too disappointed, here's what I'll do: I'll give you your own version of the fic in which Ken and Aya end up together. ^^ I hope you like it!
Same deal- if you wanna talk to me or get one of these songs (or the ones from previous fics, or any song you think I might have) feel free to IM me (screenname: yukarikudou) or email me (rosevickery@msn.com). I love feedback, whether good or constructive criticism!