Saying no to You

Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin *SLASH* James Potter/Lily Evans

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. The story and all its characters are the rightful property of the official author, JK Rowling. I'm merely using them for my own amusement – so they have been serving their purpose faithfully ^-^

A/N: I am so thankful for all your reviews and kind words. Please keep telling me your opinions. I love to hear what you have to say, and am grateful for any chance to improve my writing.

~Chapter Four: Between You and Me~

"I know, Padfoot," said Remus. "I know."

            They came to the portrait of the Fat Lady and Sirius gave the password. They went in and found that nobody else was there except for Lily and James, who were engaged in conversation in a corner by the fire. "Come on," Sirius said, his voice oddly husky. "Let's go up to the dormitory." Before Remus could say anything, Sirius had taken him by the wrist and was half dragging him up the stairs to their dormitory.

            Here they stopped and made sure the coast was clear. Sirius seemed nervous, but he sat down on his bed and gestured for Remus to join him. Anxious and puzzled, Remus took a seat beside Sirius. He looked down at his hands, folded neatly in his lap, rather than at Sirius's somber face.

            "Look at me, Remus." Sirius cupped Remus's chin in his hand and turned his head so that the other boy had to look at him. Remus cast his eyes down the moment they met Sirius's. "No, look at me." The tone in Sirius's voice left no room for argument. Remus turned his gaze up to meet that of his friend. "That's better." Sirius smiled slightly, but it was short lived. In a painfully slow manner, Sirius raised his hand and ran his forefinger lightly down Remus's cheek. The faint touch was just enough to make Remus shiver. He smiled when Sirius laid his palm gently against his cheek, warm and comforting. "I meant it when I said that I care about you," said Sirius, his voice calm and honest. "I really do care about you."

            Remus's smile broadened and he put his hand over Sirius's, leaning slightly into the touch. Sirius gulped, a light wash of pink creeping over his cheeks. "I have to confess to you Remus. I have to be fair to you." He sighed, looking certain now. "The first time I did it was with a Ravenclaw," he said. "The prefect, Viviane Carlisle."

            "Sirius, you don't have to tell me this," Remus said. "Not if it makes you uncomfortable."

            "Yes I do. I have to justify it to myself, and you have a right to know," Sirius insisted. He paused for a moment before going on. "It was last year. I was just starting to feel confident that I could have any girl I wanted. I knew the way they were looking at me. I'd heard all the rumors. And at the time, Viviane seemed to be the prettiest. I flirted with her a little. I seduced her into meeting me in an empty classroom in the middle of the night. And that was it."

            "Sirius…"

            "The whole time I was with her, do you know what I was really thinking about?"

            Remus made a small noise of interest, barely audible even in the quiet dormitory.

            "I was thinking about you. I wondered what you would say, what you would do if you found out I'd slept with Viviane Carlisle." He shuddered. "When you found out, not through me but through the rumors, I felt terrible. I felt like a liar."

            "You didn't lie, Sirius. I wasn't really upset." Hypocrite, said the little voice in Remus's head. You know you were disappointed. You wanted to be the first one, Sirius's only. Shut up.

            "I did, too. I didn't even tell James. I lied by omission."

            "Don't be so hard on yourself. I really didn't mind when I found out." You nasty little liar, why can't you just be honest? After all, you love him. Love is honest; it requires trust.

            "Did you, though? Haven't you ever…felt anything?"

            Remus jumped to his feet, startled. "Like what?" he demanded nervously.

            "Between us," said Sirius, some shock registering on his face. "Don't you see?"

            "No," Remus said quickly. "No, I don't see anything between us."

            "Remus…"

            "We're friends," said Remus, his eyes panicking. "There's nothing else between us."

            Sirius looked away. "Yeah," he said. "Friends." He stood up and approached Remus, his eyes downcast. He stopped right beside Remus and hissed, "I think we're both liars now." He swept out of the dormitory. Remus turned to watch him go and bit back tears. Why did I just shove him away like that? He felt like a part of himself was walking out of the dormitory. Why don't I go after him, tell him how I really feel? It was too late.

            James was busy in conversation with Lily when Sirius came down into the common room, a mix of anger and sadness on his face. "Lily, could you please excuse us?" James asked, as politely as possible.

            "Of course," Lily said graciously as she saw the feelings displayed on Sirius's face. "I'll see you later." She took one last concerned look at Sirius and left out the portrait hole.

            Sirius sat down heavily across from his best friend. "Padfoot, I'm not stupid," said James bluntly. "I know that you're in love with Remus." Sirius looked shocked. "Come on, I've seen the way you look at him. I've seen you blush when you talk to him, and I've seen the way you treat him. Now, I know something happened between the two of you. What was it?"

            "I – I tried to tell him how I felt," Sirius began, licking his lips nervously. "And the minute I started to say it, he jumped up and started to panic. Then he said that we were just friends, so I left." He looked away again, staring into the fireplace.

            "He's just scared," James said knowingly. "It's obvious that he loves you, too."

            "You're just saying that," Sirius said. "You should have seen him when I asked if he thought there was anything more than friendship between us. He jumped up and started talking about how we're just friends." He sighed. "I wanted him to hear me out, even if he rejected me afterwards."

            James nodded. "I'll talk to him," he said, "But I won't tell him that I talked to you." He stood up and went upstairs to the dormitory.

            The hangings around Remus's bed were closed, and muffled sounds mysteriously similar to sobbing were coming from within. James pulled the curtains aside and saw Remus there, his face buried in his pillow to stifle the sobs. Quietly, James tapped Remus on the shoulder. The other boy jerked his face up from the pillow. His cheeks were wet from crying and his eyes were still filled with tears. "What do you want?" he asked, sniffing.

            "What happened, Moony?" asked James kindly.

            "Sirius started talking about us being more than friends," Remus said, "And I panicked. I didn't know what to do but deny it." He looked away, out the window at the gray sky. "He got mad at me, too. He snapped at me and then he left." Suddenly, he clapped a hand over his mouth. James realized what it meant as soon as he saw the look in Remus's eyes.

            "I already know how you feel about Sirius," said James.

            "Oh." Remus blushed profusely. "Oh, well…"

            "Are you going to be okay?"

            "Sure. I'll be fine."

            James doubted him; after all, Remus had been crying moments before over the loss of Sirius. But James nodded and offered a comforting smile before he left the dormitory. He went back to where Sirius was sitting and said, "He was crying."

            Sirius leapt up. "I need to talk to him."

            "No, no," said James, grabbing his best friend's arm. "Give him some time. Trust me; it'll be better that way."

Dinner was awkward that evening. Remus sat beside James tonight, looking miserable. He picked at his food unenthusiastically, with an occasional shy glance up at Sirius, who was hardly eating either. James tried several times to initiate conversation, but neither Sirius nor Remus replied. They chased food around their plates the whole meal. When they were free to leave, each hurried off as soon as he could stand up. James shook his head as he watched them go. He hoped for their sakes that they would make up soon. Perhaps if they did, they would also accept their feelings for one another.

            Sirius came into the dormitory and found Remus sitting on his bed. "You're on my bed," said Sirius dully.

            Remus kept his eyes downcast and he spoke more to the floor than to Sirius when he said, "I can't stay mad at you. There is something between us. I can't hide from it anymore."

            Sirius grabbed his friend's hands and dragged him to his feet. He cupped Remus's chin in his hand and tilted the brunet's face up to look directly at his. Remus slowly raised his eyes to meet Sirius's gaze, and automatically tears filled his eyes. With a small smile, Sirius said, "I'm sorry about rushing it so much, Remmie-chan."

            "Mmm," murmured Remus happily. "I like the sound of that."

            Sirius leaned down, towards Remus's face. He was just closing his eyes when James came slamming into the dormitory. "Whoa!" cried James, turning bright red. "I'm sorry…"

            If James was blushing, it was nothing compared to the crimson that both Sirius and Remus were now turning. They broke apart and looked away from one another, turning redder by the moment. James, feeling like an idiot, went to his bed and started to change into his pajamas. He looked over at Sirius and Remus. He smiled and shook his head bemusedly when he saw them "sneaking" openly interested glances at one another. Those two were so obvious; he was surprised that they hadn't realized their feelings for each other long before now. Bemused, he got into bed.

            Remus looked one last time over at Sirius, smiled, and went to sleep – without closing the curtains around his bed. Sirius laughed softly to himself, enjoying his victory, and planning on punishing James for ruining his moment. Then, with a last look at Remus, he conveniently forgot to close the hangings around his bed and went to sleep as well.

            For once, all was right.

A/N: Don't you just hate James right now for ruining their moment? And aren't you glad that Sirius doesn't want to mess around anymore? I'm sorry for writing him this way, but it was a plot device… Also, I'm sorry if you think Remus is being a crybaby. I wrote him the way I figured he would react… :D More to come! Please R/R, and thanks for your comments so far. They have been quite helpful and I would love to know more!