Aya looked at Ken, his face unreadable. "What did you just say?" Ken smiled a little, almost breaking the slender thread of control Aya had been holding onto.
"I said, will you go out to dinner with me tomorrow night?"
Aya's face was calm for a moment, almost pensive-looking, and then he smiled wickedly.
"No. No, get out."
Ken blanched at the look on his teammate's face and walked out the door, throwing his words back over one shoulder. "You will, eventually." The door slamming was loud in Aya's bare room, seeming to echo over everything. He sighed, lay back on his bed, and stared at the ceiling, the whiteness seeming to swim before his eyes.
kimi to futari de aruita ano koro no michi wa nakute
sore demo zutto aruita, itsu ka kimi to aeru no ka na
(the way we walked together back then is lost
yet always we were walking, someday shall I meet with you?)
Suddenly Aya realized that the malicious grin he had worn to scare off Ken was still there, straining at his lips. It seemed to be too much work to keep, and Aya stopped smiling abruptly. // I hate this life. I hate it so much. I wish I could kill myself, but Aya-chan needs me… then again, she's doing fine by herself. Birman would take care of her… It wouldn't be too much of a burden. I would go out into the mountains where snow never melts and shoot myself in the head. A quick death, but no honorable suicide- I don't deserve that. And no one would ever find me. I would be safe from everyone, no one would ever touch me again…// Aya's violet eyes were tightly closed, his hands clenched in the blankets, tension lines running between his eyebrows. // I don't need this life! Why… Why couldn't I just end it all? I could do it right now if… I don't need that elaborate plan. I can just do it here. Fuck all of them. I don't care if I cause them any pain or disgust or… anything. I need to get away forever, on a permanent vacation. Oblivion is the best course of action. // After a long while, Aya sat up and looked out the window. //The moon was full tonight…but I've spent so much time brooding, the night's practically gone. // He stood up, toeing on the indoor shoes they all wore in the house, and shuffled over to the desk. Taking out a pen and a small piece of paper, the redhead wrote four words:
Take care of her.
nadarakana oka no ue yuruyaka ni yuki ga furu todokanai to wakatte mo
kimi no heya ni hitotsu daisuki data hana wo ima…
(atop the gently sloping hill, the snow slowly falls- I understand that I cannot reach you, yet
in your room, a single flower of the kind that you loved, is now…)
He folded the paper and walked out into the dark hall, thinking of where to put the note.
// Hmmmm… I wonder… Who should I give it to? Omi would freak out, Ken would get angry, and Youji would go find me, then Aya-chan. Which one do I want for my sister? // Walking as quietly as he could so no one would come out and see what he was doing, Aya padded over to Youji's door and slid it underneath. Satisfied that Aya-chan would be taken care of, Aya went back to his room, shut the door, and got his katana. Holding the smooth hilt in his hands, Aya considered the method of his death. // The wrists? The throat? In the heart? Wrists are slow and a little tricky, but they hurt like hell… Throat, I'd die quickly but messily. The heart? Very quick, but messy… And too much like the honorable warrior's death for me. Very well then… the wrists it is. I can control where I bleed that way. // Aya put on his boots, wanting to feel presentable to the last. There would be no pathetic element to his death, down to the kind of shoes. Or lack thereof.
// On second thought, bare feet are better even than boots. Never mind, I'll take them off when I get up there. //
kyonen saigo no yuki no hi kataku kawashita yakusoku
omoidaseba tokedashi te no hira kara koborete
(the day of the last year's final snow- a promise firmly exchanged
when I remembered, it started to melt, and spill from the palm of my hand)
Aya went to the mirror and looked at himself, wanting this last vestige of reality to anchor what he was planning in the real world. Instead, he looked only like a ghost, a pale simulacrum of a real person. Reaching out, Aya placed his real fingers on his phantom self's cheek, and then let them slide away. "Goodbye," The redhead whispered, and walked to the door. Casting one last glance at his room, Aya turned again and exited the room, pausing to pull his coat off the hook and stepping out into the hall. He closed the door behind himself with a muffled thud. Walking to the end of the hall, the redhead took the stairs to the roof as quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb the rest of the household… or, for that matter, wanting them to interrupt him in the middle of bleeding to death.
nadarakana oka no ue yuruyaka ni yuki ga furu todokanai to wakatte mo
kimi no heya ni hitotsu daisuki datta hana wo ima…
(atop the gently sloping hill, the snow slowly falls- I understand that I cannot reach you, yet
in your room, a single flower of the kind that you loved, is now…)
The stairs were dark, and cold bit through the opening in his trenchcoat to his thin shirt, making him shiver involuntarily. Goosebumps rising already on his skin, Aya came to the top of the stairs and out onto the roof the building. Frozen gravel crunched beneath his boots, and Aya looked up at the dark sky. It was getting lighter in the east, and down on the horizon some of the stars were fading into the glow. // Just in time, I suppose. Not that they'll look on the roof anytime soon. //
madobe ni hitori kiri de tada yuki wo mitsumeteru kimi wo omoidashi nagara
garasu goshi ni kimi wo ukabe saigo no kuchizukeshite…
(all alone by the window, just staring at the snow, while I remember you
through the glass, I recall you, and give you a final kiss…)
His breaths were puffing out in thin wisps of frozen air, and Aya's cheeks and nose were already becoming numb. The redhead walked over to the low wall – maybe three and a half feet tall, and only meant to keep people from falling too easily – and leaned out over the street, the leather of his trenchcoat creaking a little in the cold. A slight wind started up, whipping Aya's pale face and bright hair. Aya looked up to the stars for the last time, then down again as he grasped the katana's hilt in both hands, pointing the blade towards himself. Taking a quiet moment to steady himself, Aya took a breath, let it out, and snapped his wrists and forearms towards the double-edged blade. The icy-cold metal bit lengthwise into his flesh, almost sharper than he expected. There was a pained, hissing intake of breath, still quiet, and then the blood began.
ne waratte yo mou nakanai de
koko kara zutto anata wo mite iru wa
(hey- smile- don't cry anymore
from here on, I'll always be watching you)
Gazing down at the silver sword and his practically translucent arms dripping bright blood down the blade, Aya allowed himself a small smile and stumbled backwards. He let the katana fall and looked at it stupidly for a moment, blood loss and shock already starting to affect him. Aya half-shook himself out of the trance he'd been in and wrestled with the heavy leather coat, straggling to get it off. It was hard, because his hands were slippery with blood that kept coming, but he managed it. And managed to get his boots off, standing barefoot and without a coat on the cold, hard pebbles that covered the roof. An almost beatific expression in his eyes and that same small smile of satisfaction and release on his lips, Aya stared out into the steadily- lightening sky while the shock slowly wore off. Pain washed through his body, but Aya didn't notice much. He was concentrating on the fading stars, the midnight-blue sky bleaching to faint peach and rich fuchsia.
nadarakana oka no ue yuruyaka ni yuki ga furu todokanai to wakatte mo
kimi no heya ni hitotsu daisuki datta hana wo ima…
(atop the gently sloping hill, the snow slowly falls- I understand that I cannot reach you, yet
in your room, a single flower of the kind that you loved, is now…)
The cold ate into his body and an area of blood-soaked gravel grew steadily larger. Aya stumbled forward, supporting himself on the wall. His toes and hands, and practically every other part of him, were almost totally numb, but if he paid attention to it, Aya could feel that there was blood covering his feet as well; he still made the effort of clambering onto the wide wall. Feeling waves of blackness washing at his mind, Aya fought them off and focused steadily on the sunrise, balanced on the wall.
akari wa shizuka ni shiroku some yuku machi no naka
kimi ga mita saigo no kisetsu iro
namida wo otoshita genjitsu to wa zankoku da ne
kimi ga mita saigo no kisetsu iro
(the brightness quietly colors the inside of the town white
you saw the season's final colors
you saw the season's final colors)
His arms were dripping occasionally onto the sidewalk below, not that the redhead noticed. He was alert only to changes in the colors of the sky. Aya's slit wrists were still bleeding, but the steady flow of earlier had slowed to a sluggish trickle, seeping down his forearms and drying there. Thus, with his attention so focused, Aya forgot to fight unconsciousness, and it hit him like a hammer to the head. The redhead swayed, as though undecided, and toppled off the wall in one long, agonizing moment. There was a nasty, frozen-sounding crunch, and two stories below, a half-broken body lay on the sidewalk.
shiki to kimi no iro yagate kieru darou
yuki wa tokete machikado ni hana ga saki
kimi ga mita "shikisai wa" sotto tokete yuku
kotoshi saigo no yuki no hi ~machikado ni hitotsu no hana
sora wo miagereba saigo no yuki ga to no hira ni koborete~
(the four seasons and your colors too soon will disappear
the snow melts, on the street corner, the flowers bloom
you saw the "hues" softly dissolving
the day of this year's final snow ~on the street corner, one single flower
when I look up at the sky, the final snow will spill into the palm of my hand~)
a-n: the words at the end with the curlicues are only written in the lyrics, not sung.