Authors note: The song is It's been a While by Staind. This was rated R for
swearing, but I decided to edit out the swearing and post it up as a PG-13.
It contains some slightly mature content. Please R&R
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been a while since he left me. At first I couldn't believe it, I wouldn't let myself. He told me that it wasn't working, that he couldn't deal with everything. I think that he was just scared, scared of being happy for once in his life. So he left, he left me, he left the ER he packed his bags and went.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And it's been a while
Since I first saw you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe, I sat at home for a week thinking, screw you Carter, screw you. I went back to work, but it wasn't me. Outside I looked like I was over him, inside I was hollow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And it's been a while
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He sent me a letter, abut a month after he left, saying how sorry he was and he gave me his address and telephone number in case I needed to contact him for some reason. I kept the letter with me at all times. Just knowing that if needed to I could call him and hear his voice comforted me, it stopped me from falling apart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And it's been a while
Since I could call you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I found out that I was pregnant the first thing I thought of doing was calling him, telling him. I knew John, he would come back. But I didn't want him to come back because I was going to have his baby, I wanted him to come back for me, only me. I told the people at the ER and made them promise not to tell him. Everyone was happy for me, at least happier for me than I was. I could have had an abortion, but I couldn't get rid of his child. At least this way I would have a piece of him forever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And everything I can't remember
As ****** up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wasn't exactly the perfect pregnant woman. I found it hard to deal with things, just getting up in the morning didn't seem worth it. At times I wanted to go to sleep and stay that way, I even bought some pills for overdose. I couldn't do it. I was too scared to even kill myself. I had become everything I had hated, my mother had tried killing herself so many times and I had always thought of how selfish that made her, how she couldn't care about anyone to even think of killing herself. Now I know how it feels, not wanting to live but being too scared to die. To make things easier I started drinking again. Saying started drinking is a lie. I had been drinking for a long time, I was just too ashamed to admit it to myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The hardest thing about being pregnant was dealing with it alone. If I threw up I had to call in sick for myself, if I had a craving for some ice- cream I had to go out to the store and get it for myself. People tried to help, but I wouldn't let them. Luka tried to help me, but I pushed him away, angry at him for trying to take John's place. I didn't want anyone to take his place, ever. I loved him, he made all the bad things go away and he made me feel as though I was worth something. He left and now I know that I'm worth nothing. Everyday I would get up and look in the mirror to see a stranger looking back at me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And it's been a while
Since I can say I love myself as well
Since I've gone and ***** things up just like I always do
And it's been a while
But all that **** seems to disappear when I'm with you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~**~*~~*~**~*~~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I'm at the hospital, my water broke this morning. People around me are excited, it feels awful, I have been so cruel to them and yet they still care. They're saying that I'm dilated ten centimetres and that I have to push. So I push and it hurts like hell. I don't shout out or crush anyone's hand because there's no one there. I stay quiet and push and push and push AND PUSH. Then it's over, the pain's gone. I want to see my baby, I don't hear any crying. They tell me that I can't see her, they tell me that she's very sick. I wait and then they're talking to me, saying she died. I don't want to listen, but I do. They tell me that she died of foetal alcohol syndrome, it made her heart weak. I drank alcohol and it killed my baby. I killed my baby. I drank to get rid of the pain but it's just brought more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And everything I can't remember
As ****** up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and ****** things up again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's later now and I'm alone in a dull hospital room. The walls are blank and white. I wonder if this is where they put the women who kill their babies. Most people who kill their baby would go to prison, prison sounds like the good option, compared to this blank, emotionless bottomless pit that I've fallen into. It hurts not to be able to feel anything. I had visitors earlier, people from the ER telling me not to worry and now they're gone. I reach into my purse and pull out the letter. I see the phone beside my bed, taunting me. I pick it up and dial the number. I hear ringing and then I hear him. I don't say anything but I think he knows that it's me. I force myself to talk to him, I tell him that it's me. I tell him what happened, with the baby and I start to cry. I haven't cried since he left me and he tells me that it's okay, he tells me that he'll be here soon. I hang up and he's calmed me down. I reach into my purse again and pull out some pills. I kept them there for emergencies. I put all of the pills in the pack into my mouth and swallow them down in one gulp. So this is what I've come to, suicide. Like mother, like daughter. I don't know why I'm doing it, he'll be here soon. I just want it to be over. I feel myself slip away, painlessly. The world starts to fade and I hear people running into the room. They work on me and then I hear his voice. He's crying, I'm sorry, really sorry for hurting him and making him cry. The voices fade and everything goes blank. I'm at peace at last. The peace is beautiful, the silence sings. I'm happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!
And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been a while
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been a while
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
And everything I can't remember
As ****** up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Authors note2: Can I just say that I do not in any way condone alcohol abuse or suicide. I would have said that at the beginning but it would've kinda spoiled the ending.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been a while since he left me. At first I couldn't believe it, I wouldn't let myself. He told me that it wasn't working, that he couldn't deal with everything. I think that he was just scared, scared of being happy for once in his life. So he left, he left me, he left the ER he packed his bags and went.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And it's been a while
Since I first saw you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe, I sat at home for a week thinking, screw you Carter, screw you. I went back to work, but it wasn't me. Outside I looked like I was over him, inside I was hollow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And it's been a while
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He sent me a letter, abut a month after he left, saying how sorry he was and he gave me his address and telephone number in case I needed to contact him for some reason. I kept the letter with me at all times. Just knowing that if needed to I could call him and hear his voice comforted me, it stopped me from falling apart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And it's been a while
Since I could call you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I found out that I was pregnant the first thing I thought of doing was calling him, telling him. I knew John, he would come back. But I didn't want him to come back because I was going to have his baby, I wanted him to come back for me, only me. I told the people at the ER and made them promise not to tell him. Everyone was happy for me, at least happier for me than I was. I could have had an abortion, but I couldn't get rid of his child. At least this way I would have a piece of him forever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And everything I can't remember
As ****** up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wasn't exactly the perfect pregnant woman. I found it hard to deal with things, just getting up in the morning didn't seem worth it. At times I wanted to go to sleep and stay that way, I even bought some pills for overdose. I couldn't do it. I was too scared to even kill myself. I had become everything I had hated, my mother had tried killing herself so many times and I had always thought of how selfish that made her, how she couldn't care about anyone to even think of killing herself. Now I know how it feels, not wanting to live but being too scared to die. To make things easier I started drinking again. Saying started drinking is a lie. I had been drinking for a long time, I was just too ashamed to admit it to myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The hardest thing about being pregnant was dealing with it alone. If I threw up I had to call in sick for myself, if I had a craving for some ice- cream I had to go out to the store and get it for myself. People tried to help, but I wouldn't let them. Luka tried to help me, but I pushed him away, angry at him for trying to take John's place. I didn't want anyone to take his place, ever. I loved him, he made all the bad things go away and he made me feel as though I was worth something. He left and now I know that I'm worth nothing. Everyday I would get up and look in the mirror to see a stranger looking back at me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And it's been a while
Since I can say I love myself as well
Since I've gone and ***** things up just like I always do
And it's been a while
But all that **** seems to disappear when I'm with you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~**~*~~*~**~*~~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I'm at the hospital, my water broke this morning. People around me are excited, it feels awful, I have been so cruel to them and yet they still care. They're saying that I'm dilated ten centimetres and that I have to push. So I push and it hurts like hell. I don't shout out or crush anyone's hand because there's no one there. I stay quiet and push and push and push AND PUSH. Then it's over, the pain's gone. I want to see my baby, I don't hear any crying. They tell me that I can't see her, they tell me that she's very sick. I wait and then they're talking to me, saying she died. I don't want to listen, but I do. They tell me that she died of foetal alcohol syndrome, it made her heart weak. I drank alcohol and it killed my baby. I killed my baby. I drank to get rid of the pain but it's just brought more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And everything I can't remember
As ****** up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and ****** things up again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's later now and I'm alone in a dull hospital room. The walls are blank and white. I wonder if this is where they put the women who kill their babies. Most people who kill their baby would go to prison, prison sounds like the good option, compared to this blank, emotionless bottomless pit that I've fallen into. It hurts not to be able to feel anything. I had visitors earlier, people from the ER telling me not to worry and now they're gone. I reach into my purse and pull out the letter. I see the phone beside my bed, taunting me. I pick it up and dial the number. I hear ringing and then I hear him. I don't say anything but I think he knows that it's me. I force myself to talk to him, I tell him that it's me. I tell him what happened, with the baby and I start to cry. I haven't cried since he left me and he tells me that it's okay, he tells me that he'll be here soon. I hang up and he's calmed me down. I reach into my purse again and pull out some pills. I kept them there for emergencies. I put all of the pills in the pack into my mouth and swallow them down in one gulp. So this is what I've come to, suicide. Like mother, like daughter. I don't know why I'm doing it, he'll be here soon. I just want it to be over. I feel myself slip away, painlessly. The world starts to fade and I hear people running into the room. They work on me and then I hear his voice. He's crying, I'm sorry, really sorry for hurting him and making him cry. The voices fade and everything goes blank. I'm at peace at last. The peace is beautiful, the silence sings. I'm happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!
And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been a while
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been a while
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
And everything I can't remember
As ****** up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Authors note2: Can I just say that I do not in any way condone alcohol abuse or suicide. I would have said that at the beginning but it would've kinda spoiled the ending.