I'm generally anti-fanfic, so here I wrote a parody to one. About Mary Sues and all those crazy things people make up about the characters. Not trying to make fun of the actual book, just of the stuff that people write about it.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Hermione, I don't own Ron, I don't own Harry Potter, I don't own the setting, I don't own any of the characters, I don't own J.K. Rowling, I don't own my (almost nonexistent) life, I don't own my handwriting, I don't own…. Sorry, got a little carried away there. But you get the point

(A girl walks onto Platform Nine And Three Quarters. All the guys turn to stare at her, as she walks over to Harry. She grabs his hand and shakes it firmly.)

Girl: Hi. I see you're the famous Harry Potter. Nice to meet you.

(Harry is in a trance, unable to answer. Hermione decides to answer for him.)

Hermione: You too. What's your name?

Girl (with a smile that makes Harry drool): My name is Mary Sue Betterthanyou! You must be Hermione Granger!

Hermione (bewildered): How did you know?

Mary Sue: Oh, I'm psychic. Plus I'm a vampire, and I'm half-elven, and part siren, and an unregistered Animagi. Plus I'm McGonagal's daughter, Draco's girlfriend, telepathic, from another planet, a seeker for Britain's Quidditch team, AND I can speak every language in the universe. (lol) Oh, and did I Mention I'm a veela too?

Harry (still drooling): Wow…

(The train whistle blows and everyone boards the train, sitting in the compartment with Hermione and Neville. Harry and Ron do nothing else but talk about Mary Sue. Now let's fast forward a little, there we see all the people getting off the train. Here we see them ride to Hogwarts after a big fight over who will sit with Mary Sue. Here we see Mary Sue doing a spell that no one else knows to make her carriage go faster than all the others. We see Mary Sue being sorted into Slytherin, Draco grinning triumphantly, Dumbledor letting Mary Sue become a fifth-year even though she's new, and other lovely things that we want to skip over and move on to more interesting stuff. Like Mary Sue's first Potions class. Since Slytherin has Potions with - SURPRISE! - Gryffindor, we'll get to see Malfoy showing her off to Potter and Weasley, and all that fun stuff. So here it is. The potions class.)

Snape (pacing the room): so I welcome you to yet another year at Hogwarts. For some of you (looong stare at Mary Sue) it will be your first. By the way, Professor Dumbledor asked me to announce that your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will be (Big Surprise!) Mary Sue Betterthanyou!

Harry: Wooow….

Hermione: Too bad Lockhart's gone. They'd make the perfect couple.

Ron: Hey, how long has it been since you liked Lockhart?

(Hermione doesn't answer. The rest of the Potions class is uneventful except that everyone sees Snape smile for the first time - at Mary Sue.)

(Now it's time for some romance. Why? Well, because every Harry Potter fanfic has to have some romance. Unlikely romance, of course. So while me and you are sitting here chatting happily, Ron has fallen hopelessly in love with Professor McGonnagal, Draco Malfoy is secretly dating Snape, Hermione blushes every time she sees Hagrid, and Harry is spending some quality time with the Golden Snitch. Ginny mourns over the dead basilisk, and Neville keeps a picture of Lockhart under his pillow.)

(Okay, now we've got some unlikely romance and a Mary Sue in Hogwarts. Is that all? Something seems to be missing. What could that be? Hm… OH! I know! A plot!! I almost forgot I needed one! It has to be a crazy one, no doubt. Right? I guess with all my unlikely romances that won't be too hard. But… there's still something… oh right! I'm supposed to have chapters! Hey, I'm getting the hang of this! So, this is the end of my first chapter.)

WARNING: There WILL be another chapter. More unlikely romances and strange things. So beware. It's not over yet. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!