July 3

We spent the rest of yesterday taking down all the pictures from the attic and hanging them around the house. I hadn't realized how many there were; they cover the entire stairway and part of the parlor. Sirius had me leave an empty space on the wall of the stairway. "I want a picture of the two of us there," he said. "Maybe Polaris can take one if he visits."

I wrote to Polaris last night, asking him to meet me in Diagon Alley on July 9 when I don't have to work. I was dying to tell him more, of course, but there's always the chance of the letter being intercepted. Hopefully I'll get a reply by the ninth…all of the Tellery Post owls are quite old and a bit senile.

Sirius is going to spend the time while I'm at the library working on some things Dumbledore wants him to do. I can't write what they are in case this journal is ever discovered, which is unfortunate because I really feel the need to unburden everything onto this paper.

I did a bit of shopping for Sirius after work…he's been wearing my robes and using all my things. He gave me a list before I left.

"Let's see," I read, "robes…boots, size ten…quills…earring?! You haven't got your ear pierced."

"No, but could you do it for me? I've always wanted my ear pierced."

I eyed his earlobes. "Right or left?"

"Right."

"It'll be cute."

"Thanks."

We then had a bit of an argument because he wanted me to pay for the things on the list with money from his Gringott's vault and I insisted on paying for them myself. "Look, I'm not that impoverished," I insisted.

"I know, love, but I want to pay for it. Buy yourself a few things too."

"Sirius, I couldn't…"

"What, you can share my bed but you can't share my money? For God's sake, Remus, let someone else take care of you for a change. I want to do that for you."

His eyes were so pleading and puppydog-like that I finally gave in at the end. "Spend all you want," he said before I left.

I didn't, not wanting to draw too much attention to myself, but I did buy myself some new robes and a new suitcase. Oh, and a few bars of chocolate.

Picking out earrings for Sirius was fun. I got him five – a sliver hoop, a gold hoop, a gold stud, a little Aries sign (his birthday is in April) and a tiny garnet. I pierced his ear after dinner with a Puncturing Charm and the silver hoop.

"I like it," I said, as he examined it in the mirror.

Already he's beginning to look more like his old self. The hair and the teeth made a huge difference, and he's been eating so much that it shouldn't be long before he's at a normal weight again. It's good to see him like that. Reassuring.

Afterwards he was in an amorous mood and we snogged between the sheets for a while, but then I had to stop. "I'm sorry," I whispered, "just…not yet."

He kissed my temple lightly. "Okay."

There's no point in denying it; I'm scared to sleep with him. Sex is easy. Any idiot can have sex: moan, thrust, sweat, groan, climax, sleep. It's simple. But I don't want it to be just about sex with him, I want it to be about us, about us and our love. I've never had that with anyone, and part of me is afraid of giving him everything and then losing him. Oh, I know he wouldn't leave me, but something else – Voldemort, Azkaban – could steal him away and I would be powerless to stop them.

I just looked over at the picture of James and Lily that we put on the table next to the couch. If they were here right now, they'd remind me that life is fleetingly short and that I shouldn't be afraid to cherish every single moment. Of course, they would be right. But I think I need to deal with some of my fear first, because when we do make love, I want it to be good in every way for both of us, and I don't think I can do that right now.