Disclaimer: I don't own any recognizable personages in this story – they are owned by the WWE and themselves. I make no money from the publication of this story.

Feedback is always welcome but flames toast marshmallows for S'mores! J

Summary: WWE Superstars write to Dear Twinky for advice on important matters such as life, love and appropriate ring attire – and everything in between.

A/N: My best friend and I constantly discuss the happenings on WWE television, and how if Vince McMahon would just hire us as consultants his product would be SO much better. Since that's not going to happen, I wrote this piece to catalog some of the advice we'd like to give. Warning to the reader: Before going further, please place tongue firmly in cheek. This is humor folks – laugh! :)

Dear Twinky:

As the current WWE Champion, people should be writing me for advice. Everyone knows I'm the Next Big Thing and have had the most amazing first year of any WWE superstar in history. I'm the youngest champ ever- who knows more about how to succeed in this business than me? I'm big, tough, and who else would even try to F-5 the Big Show – especially with a broken rib?

Now, the reason I'm writing is I don't know what to do about Paul Heyman. I wouldn't have made it to where I am without him but he's got a new client, the Big Show of all people! He says I'm still his favorite, but I just don't know if I believe him. Big Show's after my title and Paul will do anything to keep it in his grasp. Should I listen to what he says? Should I fire him? The fans all seem to hate him, but at least they're talking about us. What would you do?

Confused,

Brock Lesnar

Dear Brock,

The answer to your question is as plain as the nose on your face. Get rid of the bum! Paul will screw you six ways from Sunday if you let him. If you decide to keep him on….well, let's just say that in your traveling bag you better pack plenty of Astroglide.

Oh, and by the way – take some acting and public speaking classes for Pete's sake! Mary thinks you're a shoe-in for the role of Juggernaut in the X-Men movies. X2's already done but hey, there's always X3.

Twinky

Dear Twinky:

I am so sick of being so uptight all the time! I think my granny panties are cutting off the circulation to my brain. I want all the me…er, um, people to see me for the attractive, sexy woman I am on the inside! As a rejuvenated virgin, it's important for me to set an example but I just don't think this new look is for me. Can you help me find a way to show off my hot bod but without looking like that tramp Stacy Keibler?

Thanks a bunch!

Virginally yours,

Molly Holly

Molly, Molly, Molly, what can I say? First off, let me say that I don't think you need to worry about being mistaken for Stacy Keibler. Now, as for your granny panties, hon they have GOT to GO. I don't necessarily agree with the Divas prancing about in their unmentionables on cable TV, but we all know Vince is a dirty old man so you've got to do what you've got to do to keep your job. Fine. That doesn't mean you can't do it with a bit of dignity.

If you don't want to wear the standard issue thong (and if I may borrow a phrase from the Rock – who in the BLUE HELL decided those were attractive? And they're supposed to be comfortable? Excuse me? I spend enough time removing wedges from the crack of my behind – why would I want to put something there INTENTIONALLY?) you can always go with a nice pair of highcut panties or even some bikinis that have a big more coverage.

Now, as for the hair – girl you have got to get yourself to a good hairdresser tout de suite and in a hurry. That mop on your head is good for floor cleaning and that's about it. You look like my poodle. Brush that mess out and get yourself a cute chopped bob with some texture. You have pretty eyes – you want to highlight them, not hide them!

Next – the clothes. That hideous blouse and those velvet pants should be burned. Immediately. Not simply discarded – burned. Ask Kane if you need help lighting the match. As for colors – some bright jewel tones would be good – red, blue, maybe some purple or green. Nothing shiny or sparkly like Trish, but maybe some slinky knit tops over leggings with some Lycra or even a sports-bra top with some of those cute boy-shorts.

Anytime you want to go shopping, you give me a ring.

Twinky

Dear Twinky,

Help! I've dyed my hair so many crazy colors that I don't know what to do with it next. Bradshaw helped me buy stock in the Kool-Aid company so I'd get a discount. Also, do you know where I can get more of that day-glo body paint?

Sartorially challenged,

Jeff Hardy

Dear Jeff,

Bite your tongue! Not only will I not tell you where to get that awful paint, I'd rather hold you down and scrub it off of you (ooh that could be interesting, hehehehehe). As for the hair, it's hopeless. Shave it off and start from scratch. I'm actually surprised you have any left. If you MUST dye it, at least stick to colors close to what's found in nature. The teenyboppers might just leave you alone then.

Contemplating a shower,

Twinky

Dear Twinky,

Those brass knucks I keep in my trunks have rubbed the skin on my abdomen absolutely raw, not to mention the bruises..ahem…down below. Have you any suggestions for a skin soothing regimen? Better yet, how about ideas for new ring attire that would allow me to conceal them without all the pain and suffering?

Yr servant,

William Regal

Ah sir William, poor thing, you have some skin irritation? Too bad, because you're an irritation to the entire fan base of the WWE. However, it's not my job to pass judgment (oh wait, yes it is or you wouldn't be writing to me!) I will advise you to use some cornstarch powder on the affected area. You can also soften the skin with a wonderful cream called "Udder Cream." Yes, you read that right. It was formulated for use on cow's udders to keep the skin soft and supple and reduce pain during the milking process. Works great for people too. Of course, the quickest way to eliminate your problem is to learn to fight fair and leave the brass knucks at home.

Regarding ring attire – let me first say thank you for getting rid of those awful puce tights. Having said that, any recommendation I can make regarding ring attire involves covering up that fishbelly white flabby body of yours. Cover it up man, nobody wants to see you anywhere close to naked! However, if you revert to wearing one of those unitards like the Big Show (especially one of those one-shouldered things) you will be shot on sight..

Twinky