Dear Twinky,
I've heard you've advised some of the Raw guys on a change of ring attire. I recently made a change myself but I can't decide if I like it or not. The "panties" definitely allow for more freedom of movement and less sweat is trapped against my body, but I'm feeling a little…exposed. What do you suggest?
Chilly Beans in Boston,
A-Train
Dear A-Train,
I am SO glad to hear from you! There are several things I've wanted to say to you for so long and I finally get the chance. (Rubs hands together briskly). Ok, where's that list? Ah yes, here it is.
Number 1 – this is an absolute requirement regardless of any current or future ring attire. Go to your local drug, grocery or discount store and pick up a couple of cartons of razors and shaving cream. Learn to use them! Razors are your friends. Nair is good also – pick one and soon please! You're scaring animals and small children with that fur coat you're wearing. Last time I checked, the WWE had not hired Grizzly Adams. And another thing – either grow a real beard or goatee, or shave those stupid stripes off your face.
Number 2 – why all the metal? Under all that hair and jewelry, you've got a good face. Why on earth are you hiding it? Earrings are one thing – even a couple in each ear. But the whole nose, lip, nipple and God- knows-what- else thing? Are you a woman trapped in a man's big hairy body? Lose most of it and you might be able to go through airports without being strip searched again.
Number 3 – the panties do not show you to best advantage. Please go back to the black pants and sleeveless shirt. Normally I don't care for sleeveless shirts – especially on a man – but you've got the build to carry it off. The panties and the unitard just make you look flabby. You look more comfortable with a little more covered up.
Otherwise, love the name change and attitude. Keep it up – with just a little improvement you'll be on top again.
Twinky
Dear Twinky,
I know you can sympathize with my plight…have you got any weight loss tips or diet tricks?
Gratefully,
Rikishi
Dear Rikishi,
It's a good thing I'm a lady, because if I weren't I'd slap you upside the head. Didn't your mother ever teach you it's impolite to comment on a lady's weight or age? I think all that bleach has rotted your brain. The only diet trick that works is to burn more calories than you ingest. That means that you need to forget you ever heard the words "All You Can Eat." Portion control and exercise are the only ways to do it. You didn't gain 200 pounds overnight, and you certainly aren't going to lose it overnight. I'll ship you a case of Slim Fast to get you started.
Twinky
PS – LOSE THE THONG! That's scarier than A-Train's body hair.
Dear Twinky,
It's true, it's true, I'm writing to you. I can't believe it, but you've been so helpful to some of the other lowlife twits in this company, maybe you can step up to the plate and assist a real American Hero. Actually, it's not me that needs help, it's the WWE fans. They just can't understand an American Hero like me, live and in person. America likes to objectify its heroes and put them up on a pedestal. They don't know how to deal with one when he's in your face like me. What can we do to bring them to a greater appreciation of me and help them show their gratitude for having me in the flesh every week? I'm sure you'll come up with something.
Heroically yours,
Kurt Angle
Dear Bootyliciou---er uh Kurt,
Well what can I say? Your letter is the deepest pile of BS I've encountered in quite awhile. Excuse me while I find my hip waders so I don't soil my new shoes.
Ok, now then, I'm ready to address your concerns. The fans don't understand you. Imagine that. Kurt, how can you expect us mere mortals to even come close to understanding an Olympic gold medallist such as yourself? The amount of discipline and intense training that an accomplishment like that takes...let's face it…is beyond most individuals who are WWE fans.
As for getting them to appreciate you – that's another tale altogether. Let's get it out of the way – you won gold in the 1996 Olympics. That was almost 7 years ago. Get over it. While you were winning your gold medals I was the mother of a toddler who was just learning to walk. As you'll find out soon enough, that's a MUCH harder job than competing in the Olympics.
Take the medals home, put them in a display case where they belong and shut the hell up about them! I daresay most people didn't even know who you were until you joined the WWE, gold medals or not. I actually like the fact that you're a heel – now start acting like one instead of a whiny baby. You're beginning to sound like Taker with his bad impersonation of Rodney Dangerfield going on about no respect. Respect is earned buster – you can't get it anywhere else. Give Benoit a run for his money as the best technical wrestler. You've got the skills. It's up to you to use them.
Twinky