~*~
N: For those who have just started reading this you certainly have missed alot! I suppose you want to know what's going on...right? (under his breath) Greedy vultures…'AHEM!' It begins when Speedy, Polly, Guido and Francine were called to the Palace by Princess Vi for some big emergency. On arrival they were annoyed to find that the big panic was over a giant spider in Princess Vi's bed, which in turn was accused of disrupting her "beauty sleep" (she said it, not me!). For back up, Vi also called the police, the fire department and the army…just incase the spider would not go quietly. So let's all tune in to the crime scene now…
Speedy: (holding a crow bar) Come here Mr. Spider, I won't hurt you… I just want to crush your insides a little bit...!
Vi: STOP! (holding Speedy back) I will not permit you to do such a thing! Those bed sheets were imported from Italy! I WON'T HAVE SPIDER GUT STAINS ON MY SHEETS!!
Polly: I say let's just spray the stupid thing…! (mumbles under her breath)…And Princess Vi while we're at it…
Vi: NO! My bedroom would stink for weeks…!
Francine: (trying to sound reasonable) Well your Hines what do you think we should do?
Vi: I called you over here so you could figure that out! You're supposed to be professional super heroes! And I'm the helpless yet incredibly attractive victum! No one is leaving until the spider is DEAD!
Guido: (whispers to Polly) What time is it…?
Polly: (whispers back) It's 10 minutes till midnight. The girl is a crazed nut! Who could care less about her stupid Italian bed sheets anyway…
Vi: (still ranting…) Why aren't you getting rid of the spider?! I want to go to bed! If I don't get seven hours sleep my eyes will puff up and I'll look like a CORPSE!
Guido: (under his breath) It would be an improvement…!
(Polly snickers)
Vi: (even more ranting…) What kind of training did you Pizza Cat's do anyway?! You all suck! You can't even kill a spider! YOU-!
Speedy: (feeling the need to cut in) Well for your information your Hines, we trained at "The Samurai Pizza Cat Academy" for three years and believe me we worked our butts off! We know all about being Pizza Cat's…
(Polly, Guido and Francine look at Speedy with extreme disbelief…)
Vi: (glaring at Speedy) Did you just interrupt me...?
Speedy: (who suddenly realises the trouble he's in) I ah...well…ah...um…I…ah...I…was…ah…!
Vi: IS THAT A YES OR A NO?!
Speedy: Yes! I mean no…no wait! I mean yes! Or possibly no...
Vi: Anyone who interrupts me gets a one way trip to PRISONER ISLAND!
(Everyone gulps, Speedy especially…)
Vi: But just for fun I'll choose another punishment for you Speedy. Do 300 push-ups NOW!!
Speedy: HUH?! What is this, boot camp?!
Vi: I was watching aerobics this morning and got inspired to do some exercise…but I don't feel like doing anything that will mess my hair so you'll do it for me PEE WEE!
Speedy: Oh, why ME?!
Vi: You have no hair, duh!
Guido: C'mon Speedy! It will be just like High School…
Francine: I remember that! Speedy had to do push-ups all afternoon because he was caught in the girl's locker room.
Speedy: (grumpily starting his push-ups) Hey that was an accident! I thought I was in the art rooms...
Polly: Sure, sure, SURE! All lies Speedy! You were in the locker rooms trying to get a look at Luciel getting changed…!
Speedy: I was NOT!! I would never do that kind of thing…I was a gentleman in High School.
Polly: Yeah! And a Home Ec nerd come to think of it…(giggles)
Speedy: Was not!
Polly: Were to!
Speedy: Was NOT!
Polly: Were TOOO!
Guido: Isn't it time to cue the flash back? …Narrator?!
N: Yeah yeah! Keep your tail on, let me just find my lines...
Francine: I thought you were more professional then that?
N: Well excuse me if I fell asleep! I swear a chess match between the Pope and Al Gore would be more stimulating then all this FLUFF!
Vi: Huh?
N:…Just que the flashback…
(Everything gets all cool and wobbly as we go back in time to when the Cat's were young teenagers at High School.)
N: Well, here we are! The Pizza Cats are in school…scary thought huh? Allot of secrets will be revealed. Stories that you never knew about our Pizza team will be told. It's like travelling in the Twilight Zone (cue spooky twilight music). What I'm trying to say is that everybody is different, twisted and weird! Even more so then usual… So sit back, relaaaaaaaaaax and enjoy! As we begin our story outside the school grounds where we wait for that horrid bell to ring....
Guido: (in a football jacket, jeans and sneakers) The Gods have smiled on us my friend! It's finally happened! I can smell it in the air…(breaths in the air like he's never breathed it in his life)
Bat Cat: (wearing practically the same thing) Are you sick or something Guido? It's the first day of school and you're on about smiling Gods or something. You're not even beating up any freshman!
Guido: Yeah but its the first day of our last year of school! Don't you remember our plans for dropping out early? Twelve months and it's all over. We will have the freedom to do what we like and have as may parties as we want! We'll finally pursue our dream of becoming famous football players. Think of the GIRLS! (eyes wide with pleasure) Oh, and don't worry man I'll beat some freshman geeks up after lunch.
Bat Cat: Whatever.
N: Near by...
Polly: (in a skirt and a cheerleading sweater) C'mon Luciel, aren't you done with the mirror yet?
Luciel: (in a blue dress that's waaaaaaay to short) But Polly I need to get my foundation just right or I'll go around the school with different skin shades! What kind of impression would I make!?
Polly: I need to see how my new eye shadow looks, give me that thing! (grabs the mirror)
Luciel: I had it first POLLY! You hurt my feelings so much, sometimes I just feel LIKE-!
KAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!
(Missiles dart out from Luciel's hair-do left, right and centre. Students duck out of the way, dropping their books in a panic.)
Polly: (who just missed getting hit in the head by an oncoming missile) You know Luciel, you could have just decorated your hair with clips but NO! You had to be different and use ammunition!
Luciel: I probably look awful now…where's that mirror?! Quick!
Polly: (looking in another direction) Hey, check it out! Madame President has arrived…
Luciel: (looking where Polly's looking) She looks a little better this year don't you think?
Polly: Eh! (a disgusted look on her face) Are you kidding Luciel?!
N: The girl they are cussing at is none other then Francine: the enemy. That's right! Before Polly and Fran became the friends you now know, Fran was head of the debating team and did origami classes on weekends. She's also a wiz at commerce and anything to do with making money. Money and Francine are practically the same word afterall… Polly of course was the cheerleading captain. These two did not share good vibes in High School.
Polly: Take a look at that vest and buckle shoes…she looks like our principal! (turning to Luciel) And you thought she actually looked better since last year! (laughs)
Luciel: Well, her hair's not as bad as it was.
Polly: Enough about her, I want to know something else…(looks at Luciel deceptively)
Luciel: Wha…what? Why are you looking at me like that?
Polly: You know! Come on Luciel…you haven't told me who you're taking to the big party this Friday?
Luciel: Ah...(in denial)…what party?
Polly: Stop pretending you don't know what I'm talking about! The biggest party ever at Conny Tyra's mansion? The one we shopped all day Saturday for? Remember?!
Luciel: Oh yes! I remember now…(nervous chuckle) Well, its none of your business who I want to bring Polly! ...You would laugh anyway…
Polly: I KNEW IT! I knew you were hiding it from me Luciel! Now you have to tell me! Is it real embarrassing?
Luciel: (backing away from her) I think I heard the bell ring, I'll see you in class Polly! BYE BYE! (runs off)
Polly: Funny, I didn't hear no bell?
N: Poor old Speedy Cerviche. Who knew this lonely, geeky guy would become the leader of the Pizza Cat fighting force?
Speedy: (in a pair of reading glasses and a white shirt that's buttoned all the way to the top) Hello! Will you go to Conny's party with me?
Girl: (who looks like she's going to puke) I'd rather go with my dad! (stomps off)
Speedy: Can't say I didn't try. I'm never going to get a stupid date for this party, OUCH! (walks into a tree) Curse these SPECTACLES! (puts his glasses in his pocket) My kingdom for eyes that can SEE!
N: And would you look who's coming Speedy's way? It's Bad Bird! Well actually back then he was 'Good Bird' and was also Speedy's best friend. If that makes you sick to the stomach, 'Good Bird' was also A grade student! Now he's just a A grade pain in the ass…
Good Bird: Hi Speedy! Is that a bruise on your head?
Speedy: (trying to cover it up) NO! It's nothing! Why weren't you on the bus this morning?
Good Bird: My mom drove me...I wish she didn't though! It's really humiliating being driven to school by your mom and having Polly Ester see you. She wouldn't stop yelling 'Mummy's BOY!! Mummy's BOY!!'
Speedy: I know what you mean, I asked her to go to Conny's party with me but she said she'd rather eat compost. I don't see why girls don't like me. Just because I like cooking and play the tuba!
N: (sarcastic) Yes that ones troubling me too...
Good Bird: I agree. All the hot girls like Polly Ester only go after Guido Anchovie type guys. Just because he's the captain of the football team! They don't even notice the guys with brains.
(Both of them laugh hysterically)
N: HA HA! So NOT funny!
Speedy: Hey, maybe if we join the football team, we will gain what we've always wanted...!
Good Bird: (excited) Fluorescent lights?!
Speedy: Huh? …No!
N: WHAT?!
Speedy: I meant respect Good Bird!
Good Bird: Are you sure we're up to it Speedy? I don't want to get hurt, or dirty...
Speedy: Just think about it though! Girls as popular as Polly Ester will want to go out with dorks like you and me!
Good Bird: But Speedy…!
Speedy: We have to! I want respect! I want victory! It's time we crawled out of our holes and become FOOTBALL PLAYERS! REAL GUYS!
(The entire school stops to stare at Speedy, who is now standing courageously on top of one of the school garbage bins…)
Good Bird: Speedy, get down! (looking anxious) You're drawing too much attention to us...!
Speedy: Ah...(suddenly feeling a little embarrassed)…I believe the bell has rung!
N: And that was the real bell this time round. All the students move inside the school, busily chatting and gossiping. Francine is approaching Speedy from behind as he unpacks his things into his new locker...
Francine: Good morning Speedy! How was your holiday?
Speedy: (not really paying attention) Just fine...
Francine: Oh that's good, say do you happen to be having English class today?
Speedy: I told you just fine...!
Francine: Speedy, are you even listening to me?
Speedy: Sure! Take a turn to the left and then go down the hall. You can't miss it...!
Francine: Ah…okay, well I guess I'll leave you to your locker then… By the way I hope you will be attending the 'Woman's rights movement' debate on Saturday. I'll be the main speaker!
Speedy: (closing his locker and collecting his things) Listen, I have to get to Home Ec class. I'll see you later Sharlene...
Francine: It's Francine…
Speedy: Oh okay, bye! (runs off)
Francine: (looking up to the ceiling) Why does he avoid me Lord? Is it my breath?
N: Well she's always had a problem with that. Meanwhile, close by...
Guido: (holding a freshman by the collar) When I say give me your money, you give me your MONEY! You don't want to become a missing person now do you…?
Bat Cat: (also in the act) Didn't you ever learn how to share a little bit?
Guido: Yeah! Where do you get off being so selfish, HUH?!
Freshman: But…but! My mom will get angry…!
Guido and Bat Cat: OH BOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Freshman: Please don't kill me! (sweating at the brow)
Guido: Tell you what. Give me your money and your Walkman and we'll let you keep all your limbs okay buddy? (letting him go)
Freshman: (emptying his locker into Guido's hands) Go ahead! Take it take ALL! (runs away traumatized) AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Guido: (shouting out to him) AND IF YOU SQUEAL WE WILL KICK YOUR FRESHIE BUTT ALL THE WAY TO ARGENTASIA!
N: Argentasia?
Guido: So I never attend Geography class, who cares!
Batcat: Whatever.
Guido: (suddenly distracted by someone coming down the hall…)…well well WELL! Would you take a look at who just strutted my way…!
Polly: (who keeps walking…) Save it for someone who cares. And I wasn't strutting I was walking!
Gudio: Why didn't you call me over the holidays Polly? My parents went away for a week, you and I could have had some action…(wink wink)
Polly: (rolls her eyes) In your dreams…!
Guido: C'mon! Why do you keep pushing me away? You know your dying for me to take you to Conny's. You want me…admit it!
Polly: For the last time stupid NO! Not after what happened last year you two-timing bastard! (tries to walk away again, but Guido slides in front of her)
Guido: I said I was sorry babe, what more can I do? (tries to pull her towards him but she retaliates)
Polly: You can stop hanging around me like a bad smell for one thing Anchovie!
Guido: Well, who are you taking to Conny's then?
Polly: It just so happens I'm taking...well...no one, right now. But I'll find someone! And they'll be ten times better then the date you ever were you MEAT BALL! (pushes him out of her way and disappears down the hall)
Bat Cat: Meat joke. Man that's cold. What happened last year?
Guido: Don't you remember anything?! We went out last summer…
Bat Cat: You did?
Guido: Yeah, where have you been?!
N: Oh great! Here comes a flashback within a flashback! We're going back to last summer when Polly was supposedly going out with Guido…can you believe this? Oh by the way if the following sounds like a scene from the movie 'Grease' then you are very observant. Be warned: the writer is trying to be cute…(shudder)
(Guido and Polly are sitting in a Cadillac, watching a drive-in movie. Polly is wearing a green sweater with her hair tied back in a ponytail. Guido is wearing a black leather jacket. Polly is looking rather cross about something…)
Guido: Oh come on Polly! I told you on the phone that I was sorry.
Polly: (arms folded) I know that you did.
Guido: Do you believe me?
Polly: (arms still folded) I still think you and Cho Cho went together.
N: Cho cho?
Guido: We did not go together! We just…went together.
Polly: It's the same thing!
Guido: (shaking his head) No…no…no…!
(Polly continues to sit with her arms folded. Guido in the meantime is now trying to get a ring of his finger with great difficulty. He ends up elbowing Polly in the chest…)
Polly: OOWW!
Guido: Oh! Oh Polly, I'm sorry! I…(takes a moment) Polly, um…would you wear my ring?
Polly: (a warm smile comes across her face) Guido! (taking the ring) I don't know what to say!
Guido: Say yes!
Polly: Yes! (she hugs him) Oh Guido, this means so much to me! Cause I know now that you respect me…
(Guido looks very pleased with himself. With his arm around Polly, he decides to make a move for the chest! His hand moves slowly down…down…down…down…then…)
Polly: (appalled at what Guido was trying to do, flicks his hand away) GUIDO!
Guido: (jumping on top of her) OH POLLY!
Polly: (pinned down) What are you DOING!?
Guido: Don't worry about it, nobodies watching!
N: AHEM! Hello?
Polly: Guido get off ME! (pushes him off and opens the car door)
Guido: Polly, what's the matter with you?!
(Polly slams the door which into knocks Guido in the groin)
Guido: Uhhhhhh! (holds his groin in pain)
Polly: You think I'm going to stay here with you in this sin wagon?! You can take this piece of tin! (throws Guido's ring into the car and runs off)
Guido: Polly! You just can't walk out of a DRIVE-IN!
(Guido watches Polly go…he becomes meloncholy)
Guido: (singing) "Stranded at the drive-in!"
N: OKAY! I have had just about enough of that! We could get very sued at this rate, so back to Guido and Bat cat standing in the school halls…
Guido: (sighing) She was so innocent back then…
Bat Cat: Did you really get with Cho Cho?
Guido: Duh, of course I did! She was hot…!
Bat Cat: (consulting his watch) Hey we are like 15 minutes late for class…
Guido: Who needs class! Let's go smoke in toilets.
Bat Cat: Whatever.
(Guido and Bat Cat pass the school Bulletin Board on their way…)
Guido: (reading a notice) What the hell is this snot?!
Bat Cat: Huh? Did someone sneeze on the board?
Gudio: No! I was just reading here…(points)…that Cerviche is joining the football team! How dare that little geek try to move in on my territory! I'll crush him into a cube...(clenches a fist)
Bat Cat: (reading the notice) Looks like that other geek Good Bird is also in on it. Bummer.
Guido: Okay that's all I can stand! We got to get rid of them some how, you and me! I'm so sick to death of nerds! They just keep breeding and breeding...
Bat Cat: Whatever.
N: Will Speedy the nerd be alive by part two? Will Francine get Speedy's attention? Who does Luciel want to take to the dance? Will Polly forgive Guido? Can you believe they even liked each other once and were thinking of dating?! Who knew Guido could even get a date?! Will Batcat stop saying "whatever"?! Will I narrate a chess final between the Pope and Al Gore??!! Can you even see how they became PIZZA CAT'S!!?? All this and more in Part Two of "Before They Made Pizza."