~*~
N: And we're back for the second half! (suddenly disgruntled)…Stupid lousy show! I couldn't believe it when the writers said they were making a part two to this thing. I thought they were bluffing or at least drunk. Or was I drunk?
Speedy: (up to push-up number eighty-seven) Who cares you rambling poo poo!
N: WELL! I'm sick of your toilet humor Speedy! And anyway I'm not the one who's been stuck doing push-ups for the last half-hour. In case our audience is confused, we are back to the present day when Princess Vi called the Pizza Cat's over for an emergency spider incident. Speedy was a bad little boy and is being punished by the very charming and lovely Princess Vi…
Vi: SHUT YOUR HOLE NARRATOR PERSON I CAN'T HERE MYSELF THINK!
Speedy: (mumbling to himself about the narrator) Stupid...can't keep...his...mouth...closed...!
Vi: (holding a 9mm pistol to Speedy's head) SPEEDY! SHUT YOUR OWN MOUTH BEFORE I STICK THIS IN IT!
Speedy: AHHHH! Princess Vi! Your most beautiful, nice feet smelling Hines…! Eh he he! I thought this program protested last year about the use of animated guns as a result of too much dying? We have a contract for GOD SAKES!
Vi: Excuses, excuses. Anything to keep me from killing you brutally. Listen, as long as you keep your trapped closed and not interrupt me hearing about your High School life I'll let you live alrighty…?
Speedy: Deal! Say, can I stop doing push-ups now?
Vi: NO!
Speedy: Oh. Can you get me some OJ?
Vi: (very cranky) NO!
Guido: AS I WAS SAYING!!
Polly: Can we please finish telling this story by tonight? I need to get home so I can get my own beauty sleep!
Francine: Yeah, the audience is getting restless. We still have Part three to do yet...
N: Oh God don't remind me! Well go ahead, tell away… I won't stop you. I'll just look at these magazines of naked...ah...house renovation tips!
Speedy: Naked house renovation tips? What kind of reading material is that?
Guido: (picking up from where he left off) The story continues when I had just found out that Speedy wanted to be on the football team. I found him later that day at team tryouts.
(Que wobbly flashback to the school football field…)
Polly: (sitting in the spectator's seats) I don't understand why you dragged me out here to see the stupid football try outs Luciel! (watching Guido toss a football back and forth to Batcat) You know I can't stand football guys anymore...
Luciel: (chewing gum) It's just such a lovely day! Why spend it indoors? I heard there were some cool guys trying out too.
Polly: Could it be that this mysterious guy your going to ask to Conny's is here?
Luciel: Ummm....
(Speedy and Bad Bird suddenly appear onto the field)
Polly: I hope you don't mean cool guys like Cerviche and Good Bird cause I'm not entertained. Why are they trying out anyway? (stands up on her seat and yells at the top of her voice:) HEY LOOSERS! CAREFUL YOU DON'T GIVE YOURSELVES NOSEBLEEDS, YOU FLABBY WIMPS!
Good Bird: Do you think she's talking to us?
Speedy: Well we match her description.
(Polly sits back down, laughing to herself)
Luciel: Polly that was so naughty of you! How do you know they're losers? They might be surprisingly superior sportsman!
(As if on cue, Speedy gets hit in the head by a travelling football and falls face first into the mud.)
Polly: (absolutely hysterical) Because stuff like that only happens to LOOOOOSERS!! I was wrong this is entertaining! HAHAHA!
Luciel: Guido threw that ball at Speedy's head on purpose, I wonder why he's being so mean to him lately?
Polly: (stating the obvious) What do you mean "lately?!"
(Meanwhile, on the field…)
Good Bird: (helping a dizzy Speedy up of the ground) I think Anchovie's really angry Speedy! What are we going to DO?!
Speedy: (delirious) What you say Helen?
Good Bird: (upset) That's it Speedy, I'm leaving! This is all too dangerous for someone as fragile as me! I never wanted to be a tough guy. All I want to do is be a fashion designer! You'll have to do this on your own old friend...
Speedy: (regaining consciousness) WHAT?! But, we're a team! This was to ensure our social survival Good Bird!
Good Bird: I can't do it Speedy, I just can't!
Speedy: FINE! Go off and be a fashion designer then, see if I CARE!
Good Bird: I'm sorry Speedy...(runs off crying)
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSERS! GOOD BIRD YOU CRY BABY!
(The team's football coach appears on the field…)
Coach: Who keeps yelling like that? (looks over at Polly in the spectators seats) Ah...Batcat could you please go tell that young lady to sit down and stop disturbing the peace before I throw a football in her mouth? Thanks.
(Batcat takes the coaches orders and runs over to Luciel and Polly…)
Polly: (eyeing Batcat with suspicion) And what do you want?! Did that slime Anchovie send you over here to harass me even more?
Batcat: Just wondering if you could shut up or the coach over there will stick a football in your throat. I personally think it's a good idea…
Polly: Oh is that what Guido said for you to tell me?! He's so obvious sometimes…God!
Batcat: Hey just giving you the message...(notices Luciel chewing gum)…Hey Luciel, can I please have some gum?
Luciel: I guess so, it's in my bag…front pocket…(points down to the pink zipper bag at her feet)
Polly: WHAT?!
Batcat: Thanks! (finds the gum…and a perfume scented letter.)
Luciel: Find it?
Batcat: Ah...yeah!
Polly: Good now do us a favor and get out of my face!
Batcat: Whatever. (runs back over to try-outs)
Polly: (glaring at Luciel) You gave him gum?! Are you crazy?!
Luciel: He did say please...
Polly: Yeah well now he thinks we're friends with him so Guido's going to think that he still has a chance with me WHICH he of course doesn't…! (looks at her watch and suddenly realises the time) OH #@!%&*^! We are so DEAD!
Luciel: No I believe we are alive…
Polly: No Luciel! I mean we are thirty minutes late for Cheerleading practice! AHHH! (Jumps out of her seat) HURRY LUCIEL!
Luciel: But I can't run on grass! (trying to keep up with Polly) Ow…ooo…OUCH!
Narrator: Yes run girls, RUN! And don't come back...okay they're gone. Well since nothing else interesting happened at football practice today we will skip an hour and join the guys in the locker rooms where it...my GOD, YUK! ABSOLUTLY STINKS! Will somebody please discover DEODERANT?!
Speedy: (sitting down, holding a chunk of steak on his black eye) I guess I'll never have respect from anyone, whether I play a popular sport or not. Maybe I should become a monk…?
(Bat Cat suddenly approaches Speedy.)
Speedy: BAT CAT?! (a little nervous) Wha...what can I do for you?! I should inform that if you are going to beat me up you should concentrate on the lower half of my body. The top half is already kinda taken care off…hehe!
Bat Cat: (with a towel around his waist) Calm down dork face. I'm not going to hurt you.
Speedy: (relieved) Oh that's good. (suddenly confused) Why not?
Bat Cat: (giving him a note) Just wanted to give you this, that's all. Looks like that girl Luciel's got the hots for you... (points to his head) She must be a bit funny upstairs…(walks off)
Speedy: Ah...thanks!
Bat Cat: Whatever.
Speedy: (staring at the note like it was from out-of-space) Luciel?
Speedy opens the note, which says:
Roses are Red, Violets are blue,
I wanna take you to Conny's.
And your name is not Stu,
Lipstick is pink and mayonnaise is off white.
Guess who this is,
And when it snows, don't fly a kite!
From your secret admirer ;)
N: That was supposed to be a POEM?! I never thought it would happen, but someone actually wrote a piece of writing worse then this shows script!
(Suddenly, a symphony of corny love music comes on in the background…)
N: Oh no, not MUSIC?! Anything but the MUSIC!!
Speedy: (with love hearts circulating over his head) I have finally found my one true LOVE! Somebody I can finally call SWEET CAKES!
N: You know, when you realize your about to have your first relationship you look forward to love, you look forward late nights out in the back seat of a car, you look forward to joint bank accounts...but NO! SPEEDY spent his day-dreams wishing he could call some
one SWEET CAKES?! ARE WE EXPERIENCING A PATTERN HERE?! (calming down)…Meanwhile! Polly has once again run into Gudio in the halls…! JOY!
Guido: (holding out a flower) Hey babe! I picked this for ya...!
Polly: (looking at the flower critically) I think its dead.
Guido: Well, I picked it two weeks ago. I've been keeping it in my pocket until the right moment to give it to you. I think it matches your hair!
Polly: Guido, plant a seed and grow a brain! (walks off again)
Guido: (staring at Polly walking away)...she loves me!
(Bat Cat suddenly runs up the hall to Guido)
Guido: (proud of himself) Did you just see the master at work?!
Bat Cat: What master?
Guido:...me!
Bat Cat: You?
Guido: Yes!
Bat Cat:...me?
Guido: No, ME!
Bat Cat: You?
Guido: YES!
Bat Cat: What? (confused)
N: While these two figure out how to construct a conversation, Francine has spotted Speedy coming out of the boys locker room...
Fran: (too cheery) Hiya SPEEDY! How was football try-outs?!
Speedy: (hardly noticing her) Oh, painful....I've quit.
Fran: Sorry to hear that Speedy. (sees the note in his hand) What's that you're holding?
Speedy: (alarmed, puts the note behind his back)...it's nothing. Just a grocery list, that's all.
Fran: But it smelled like perfume?
Speedy: (changes the subject) Listen, there is something I've been meaning to ask you...something important. I hope you don't mind…
Fran: (thinking: OH MY GOSH! THIS IS IT! HE'S GOING TO ASK ME TO CONNY'S! HE FINALLY LIKES ME! MY MOMENT OF GLORY! I THINK I'M GOING TO WET MYSELF!!) (aloud)...yes?
Speedy: It's about Conny's party...
Fran: (sweating)....yes?!
Speedy: You see, I've been looking for a date and well I was wondering…
Fran: (shaking) YES?!
Speedy: If…
Fran: (jumping up and down) YES??!!
Speedy: You...
Fran: (on the verge of an excitement overdose) YEEEES!!!???
N: For Gods sakes, shut up and let him finish the sentence!
Speedy:...were friends with Luciel?
Fran: (thrown aback) WHAT?! WHY?! But I thought you-!
(Suddenly, a pair of girl's voices can be heard down the other end of the hall...)
Polly: Come on Luciel, keep up! I want to get to those locker rooms before everyone else gets there!
Speedy: (turning around to see Polly down the hall) Did Polly say what I think she said?
Luciel: (running up to Polly) I'm walking as fast as I can Polly! My feet really hurt remember?
Speedy: (in a soft tone) Luciel?
Fran: (in a more disgusted tone) Luciel?!
(Speedy puts his glasses as he watches Luciel come down the hall with Polly. Suddenly the corny romantic love music comes back on and everything goes into to super slow motion…)
N: Oh NO! NOT AGAIN! I need ear muffs...!
Speedy: (in a lovey-dovey trance) Luciel!? (looking her up and down) She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen...! My glasses are steaming UP!
Fran: (traumatized) NO! IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE HER! IT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE ME!!
Speedy: What did you say Sharlene?
Fran: (starts ripping her hair out in frustration) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (runs off out off sight)
Speedy: (worried about Fran) Boy did she forget to take her vitamins this morning or what?!
N: Meanwhile, down the other end of the hall...
Guido: (absolutely stunned) Are you SERIOUS!
Batcat: Yep. And she wants him to take her to Conny's party!
Guido: How could anybody have a crush on Cerviche! It's totally twisted! It's SICK!!
Batcat: I know, and can you believe it's that chick Luciel?! She's actually a pretty good sort.
Guido: Are you kidding she's a BABE! How can this happen?! She must have a disorder or something!
Batcat: (realizes something) And you know what's even funnier? Speedy has a date to Conny's! AND YOU DON'T! (laughs)
Guido: (hysterical) HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! (suddenly depressed) Hey, that's not funny…!
Batcat: Oh, sorry dude. I guess it's not that funny.
N: Hehehe! I thought it was a riot!
Guido: (looking cool) But, don't worry about me! Polly's still not taking anyone. So don't be surprised when she comes crawling back to yours truly!
Batcat: No offense, but I don't think she's interested in you anymore.
N: (sarcastic) REALLY?! I wonder where he got that idea...
Batcat: And anyway, your not really interested in her either. You just want to take her cause' she's the most popular girl in school, and your the most popular guy and you need to stabilize your reputation. You're only using her. Why don't you just take some other chick and forget about Polly…
Guido: (angry) That is not true! And who the hell's side are you on anyway?! First you tell me to not worry about my reputation, which is just completely nuts, and THEN I find out that you give a love letter to Luciel from Cerviche! You should have ripped it up!
Batcat: (shaking his head) No way man. Always abide by the rules of love.
Guido: (really annoyed) You better not turn into one of those sensitive new age guy types...
Batcat: (insulted) I'm not GAY!
N: Meanwhile while this rubbish is happening Speedy is blinded by love and has mindlessly followed Luciel and Polly into the girls locker rooms...hehehehe SUCKED IN!
(In the locker rooms, steam from the surrounding showers makes it difficult to see anyone…)
Polly: (getting undressed) Can you believe Speedy Cerviche was staring at us coming down the halls just then?! Some nerve… He shouldn't be within 10 yards of me.
Luciel: (trying to hide the excitement in her voice) He was staring at us? You and me?!
Polly: Yeah. He probably walked into a wall and lost his sense of direction.
Luciel: (cranky) You don't have to be so mean all the time Polly...
Polly: (laughing) Get real Luciel!
(All of a sudden, a giant scream comes from a girl in a shower close by.)
Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! PERVERT!!!
Speedy: (very, very confused) Can somebody please tell me where I am? I can't see properly!! Are these the art rooms?
(Speedy suddenly bumps into Polly)
Polly: (undressed) What the...?
Speedy: (trying to figure who it is) Hello? What's going ON?! (feeling behind him) Who is that?
Polly: (turns around and screams at the top of her lungs) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! A BOYS IN HERE!!!!!!!!!
Speedy: (the steam clears and Speedy suddenly gets his sight back) Oh my...GOSH....(covers his eyes in embarrassment) POLLY ESTER! Oh gosh…I'm....I'm so sorry!...I didn't mean to walk in on you when you were changing I SWEAR! I was just looking for-!
Polly: (trying to cover herself) YOU!!!??? (horrified) AAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Luciel: (jumping up and down on a seat) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! WHO IS IT!? GETHIMOUTGETHIMOUT!!!!
Polly: (starts throwing things at Speedy) SICKO!!!
(All the other girls in the locker room join in - throwing things at Speedy's head and screaming insults)
Speedy: (blocking himself) AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! HELP! I'M BEING KILLED!!!
Luciel: (hatch opens on her head) I said GET HIM OOOOOUUUUUUUUTTTTTTT!!!!!!
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!
(Meanwhile just outside, students and teachers are wondering what all the commotion is…)
Student #1: What in the world is going on in the girl's locker rooms?!
Student #2: Someone probably flushed a toilet and all the showers got cold. AHAHA!
(Speedy suddenly runs out waving his arms in fear)
Speedy: (puffing and panting) They're all CRAZY PSYCHO FEMALES!! RUN FOR YOU LIVES!!
(One of the teachers who was watching what was happening comes up to Speedy and grabs him by the ear…)
Speedy: (in agony) YAAAAAAAAHHHOOOW! HELP! IT'S ANOTHER ONE!
Teacher: You're in big trouble young man! You're going to the principal's office for this!
Speedy: But Miss Spank PLEASE RECONSIDER!!
Teacher: (pulling him up the hall) Don't talk back to me!
Speedy: Ah CRAP!
Teacher: (appalled) LANGUAGE!
Guido: (who just came onto the scene) Hey what's happening in the girls locker rooms?
Batcat: (holding his nose) Do you smell gunpowder?
Luciel: (comes out traumatized and speaking at a million miles an hour) SOMEONE CAME IN THE LOCKER ROOMS AND…"sniff"…SAW ME IN A TOWEL AND..."sob"...MADE ME CRY AND..."sniff"...MADE ME LOOSE MY EYEBROW PENCIL!! (cries hysterically)
Batcat: (comforts her) There there Luciel! It's not the end of the world…you can always use a crayola.
Guido: (gulp) BAT CAT! Get some distance from her! SHE'S STILL GOT ONE ROUND OF AMMO LEFT!!
Batcat: (walking away slowly) Uh oh...how much distance?
Guido: I don't know like GERMANY DISTANCE!
Batcat: But dude you know how I am about sausage…
Guido: (pulling him away) RUN YOU BUGAR!!
N: Will Speedy return to Part three alive? Will Guido continue to pursue Polly as his date? Does Batcat have a brain? Does Luciel really like Speedy or are all those missiles in her head effecting her judgement?! Will Francine still have hair?! Will I ever SHUT UP??!!…probably not.