~*~

N: I can't believe you all came back for part three! Doesn't anybody participate in a LIFE of some kind?! I know I need to… But since you are here, this is what has been going on so far: once again we are back to the present day and yes! Speedy is still pushing those arm muscles to the limit! Much to my pleasure…(snicker)

Speedy: (up to push up 213) I'm...seriously...(puff)...going...(huff)...BLIND...(puff)...HERE!

Vi: Don't worry Speedy! Only 87 to go!

Speedy:...But...!

Vi: SILENCE!

Speedy: (under his breath) Meanie.

Polly: (yawning) Someone start the story again…(another yawn)…I do want to eventually get home tonight.

Fran: I agree. Guido, keep telling the story before I fall into a permanent stupor…(yawns)

Guido: Okay let me think where was I before I was rudely interrupted by Speedy...(gives Speedy a threatening look)

Speedy: (very weak)...Hey listen pal I was just-!

G, P, F and Vi: SILENCE!!

Speedy: MEANIES!! ALL OF YOU!!

Fran: (looking back at Guido) You were up to the part where Speedy got caught.

Vi: (joyful) That's RIGHT! I remember now! Speedy was going to the principal's office! That teacher Miss Spank doesn't sound very nice…

Speedy: I know, she was alot like you actually...(puff)

Vi: (calmly insulted) Where's my gun...?

Speedy: (panicky) AAAAH! (screaming) NARRATER!! QUE FLASHBACK!!

N: (sounding tired) I'M UP! I'm up! (yawning) What's happening?

Polly: Sleeping on the job again. Slacker!

N: It's 2:30 in the morning! These things happen…

Fran: But you always go asleep almost every episode!

N: I told you already! You're all as exciting as TOE FUNGUS!

Guido: (shaking his head) He really needs a girlfriend...

Polly: A regular friend would be a start!

(Flashback is cued - everything's wobbly and fuzzy for a while...)

N: And we're back in High School land! Its Friday morning - you know, the BIG morning before Conny Tyra's party. I'm certainly thrilled! Aren't you just thrilled teenage Speedy??!!

Speedy: (yelling at the top of his lungs) I'M NEVER LEAVING MY ROOM! NEVER EVER, EVER AGAIN!! I WISH I WAS DEAD!! I'M A SOCIALISTIC DISASTER!!

N: This scene is set in Speedy's house. Speedy has locked himself away in his room while his mother waits patiently for him on the other side…hoping that this little tantrum of Speedy's will end soon. Speedy is upset because one, he got his first detention EVER yesterday which he must serve for two weeks (cleaning the teacher's toilets, plus the coach made him do the famous push-ups); two! He may have destroyed his only chances with the love of his life and three! He finally realized he was a major geek. (snickers) Took him long enough...

Speedy's Mother: (very worried) Now Pumpkin! If you just come down stairs and get ready for schoolies' I'll bake you a nice sardine and artificial corn sweat omelet!

Speedy: (yelling back from inside his room) But mother, I told you already!

SM: And what did you tell me sugar-beet?!

Speedy: THAT HUMAN EYES CAN NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!

SM: (anxious) But honey, what about your orthodontist appointment this afternoon?

(the doorbell rings from downstairs)

SM: Oh buttons, who could that be?

(A voice can be heard bellowing from below)

SHEILA! GET THE GOD DAMNED DOOR!

SM: (yelling back over the staircase) Can't you please do it yourself precious?! Sugar-beet needs me to smother him with motherly LOVE!

Speedy: I DO NOT!

SHEILA JUST DO IT! I'M SITTING!!

(Speedy's mother bites her lip and answers the door downstairs)

SM: (muttering to herself about he husband) Lazy...selfish...horrible…MAN! (she opens the front door and is suddenly cheery again when she sees who it is...) Oh! Hello there dear! Can I help you?

Luciel: Hello Mrs. Cerviche. My name is Luciel and I'm here to see Speedy. Has he left for school yet?

SM: Speedy?! (over-joyed) Oh that's super! He needs a little cheering up! Wait here I'll go fish him out right away…(runs upstairs) SPPPPPPEEEEEDDDDYYYY!!

Speedy: (with his head buried in his pillow) I'm in SOLITUDE MOTHER!

SM: But sugar-beet! Someone's at the door for you! I must say its very exciting for me! I've never met any of your friends before!

N: Try to figure out why...!

Speedy: Someone's at the door for me? (intrigued) Is it Good Bird?

SM: Not unless he changed his name to Luciel and wears a dress...!

N: Anything's possible...

(Suddenly, the door to Speedy's bedroom swings open. Speedy is standing in the doorway…wearing his Scooby Doo pj's)

Speedy: Luciel? Here? Now?! (not knowing what to do) OH MY GOD! WHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO?!! I need to brush my teeth, shave and...hey mom! I do you think I can I borrow dad's cologne?

SM: Now pumpkin it's rude to keep your guest waiting! Besides, your father's cologne doesn't work, I assure you. Downstairs with you, quickly now!

(Speedy rushes downstairs until Luciel spots him, then he slows down and walks in a more sophisticated, suave rhythm…)

Speedy: (playing it cool) Why Luciel? I'm pleasantly surprised to see you here at my humble abode...

N: Oh please, gag ME!

Speedy: (leans against the wall)...You're looking well...(growing nervous) Not that you look sick or anything cause you never look sick but well cause you always look well and stuff-!

N: Smooth...Speedy's going for the 'village idiot' approach here.

Luciel: I'm really sorry to bother you Speedy, but I feel that it's my responsibility to pass on some very icky news...

Speedy: (gulp) Icky? (thinking: "like things couldn't get any worse for ME!") What's icky Luciel...?

Luciel: (sighs) Well I know you got my letter and I was going to ask you to Conny's party tonight...but…OH SPEEDY! It's so ICKY!

Speedy: Oh I KNOW! I should have shaved the other side of my face...

Luciel: (confused) Huh?!

(suddenly, Speedy's mother takes a picture with her Polaroid camera from behind. Speedy is not very happy about this…)

Speedy: (very humiliated) Mother…! You're embarrassing ME!

SM: (squealing with joy!) OH! This is going straight to the 'Treasured Moments' album! Sugar-Beet's very first girlfriend!

Speedy: (trying to remain calm) MOTHER!! Isn't there something you can go bake for dad, HMMM!? (hint hint)

SM: Okay pumpkin! But don't be too long! You need to eat too...(walks towards the kitchen) You two are just so adorable!

(giggles as she walks out of sight)

Speedy: Sorry about that Luciel. Her condition's hereditary...(thinks for a moment)…wait that's not good...!

Luciel: Well, anyway! (continues)...You see Speedy when you came into the girls locker room yesterday Conny said that you saw her in the shower and well...she's kinda cranky and says you can't go to her party now or she's going to cut off the oxygen supply in your body. Plus Guido and Polly mentioned something about performing surgery on you...

Speedy: Oh...(gulp!) So what your saying is if I feel like being cut open any time soon Conny's is the place to hang!

N: Why wait till tonight?! Leave NOW!

Luciel: I'm so sorry Speedy...! (begins to walk off) I guess I should be getting to school now…

Speedy: Yes school! Of course! Place of learning, place of knowledge, place of good friends and discipline and...I should really shut up now...

N: My sentiments exactly.

Luciel: (giggling) OH! And by the way...I like your pajamas Speedy…(she winks at him and begins to walk away)

Speedy: (looks down at what he's wearing and blushes) OH! How…how did those get there?! Eh he!

N: As Luciel walks down the street, Speedy was about to go back inside when lightning struck his brain! Not literally of course, though I wish it were to be true. It's not quite raining at the moment…(disgruntled)…damn sunny weather sequence!

(Speedy quickly runs down the street after Luciel)

Speedy: (waving his arms around) LUCIEL!! WAAAAAAIT!! Don't go yet!!

Luciel: Speedy? (turns around) Speedy, what is it?!

Speedy: (jogs up to her) I'll be there...!

Luciel: Where?

Speedy: Listen! Just don't get another date for tonight okay? I'll be there, I promise!

Luciel: (concerned) But Speedy! What about everything I just said? Mass murder can seriously damage your health!

Speedy: I'll meet your there okay! But my name won't be Speedy it will be Mitch okay?! (runs off back to his house) Bye Luciel!

Luciel: (still very concerned and now confused) BUT SPEEDY!? Who's MITCH?!

N: While Speedy wagged the day off, we now tune into the conversation stylings of Polly and Luciel later that same morning at school. By the way, Polly is actually in a good mood. I'm quite scared…

Polly: (with a huge grin) Cerviche's banned from Conny's and I got a new blouse! This is a GREAT day!

Luciel: I'm sure Speedy didn't mean to come into the girl's locker room when he did. You know how he has that seeing impairment and everything.

Polly: (sarcastic) Oh yeah? Well it seems that that 'seeing impairment' crossed wires with his brain if you ask me. I'm telling you Luciel that guy is a total closet case! If shows up to Conny's tonight nobody is going to let him leave alive! Conny's made sure of that.

Luciel: (thinks to herself…"Poor Speedy...!")

(All of a sudden, someone taps Polly on the shoulder…)

Polly: (turns around) Oh...Anchovie. (disgusted) I thought I smelled something…

Guido: So! How's my date for the party going?! (smirking) Ready for Captain Love to take you on wild cruise of excitement?!

N: Captain WHAT?!

Polly: Sure! (sarcastic) Just let me get my life jacket and a bottle of tequila…

Luciel: (looking at Polly in surprise) Guido is taking you to the party tonight?! When did this happen?!

Polly: Well, Captain HERNIA here rang me yesterday and actually made some good points about how this is a very good thing for our popular status and all...so I bit my tongue and said yes…! It's not so bad…!

Luciel: (turning to Guido in disbelief) Did you hypnotise her?

Guido: (puts his arm around Polly. Polly flinches…) Absolutely not! Polly just finally realised what she was missing out on! (adds quickly) Plus I'm paying for her new shoes.

Polly: Yeah, and don't forget the matching purse!

N: Who is 'Mitch'? Are we having a Baywatch cameo? Is Guido practicing hypnosis? Does Speedy really wear those pajamas to bed? Will he dare attempt to show up to Conny's in the name of love and teenage hormones? Will he have any limbs missing by the end of the show? If for some paranormal reason you give a damn about any of this, join us again for part 4 of 'Before They Made Pizza and drove the narrator mental'...!

Speedy: (still in the middle of push-ups) PART 4?!

N: You heard me!

Vi: SILENCE!!