THE Mary Sue Parody
A/N: Now I know that this has been done before, but every author exaggerates it so much, it turns out to be a joke more than a warning taken seriously by other authors. So this is THE Mary Sue Parody; just as the One Ring is THE Ring. Sure there are the Seven and the Nine and of course the Three (who couldn't forget those?), but this is the One. DUN DUN DUN. Ok, that was just sounded really really gay.
Ok, read this chapter first to get the story, then read the next chapter for the story with all the little remarks!
Linwë Telrúnya*cough*Author's Name*cough*On Elven Name Translator*cough* was not a usual elf are they ever?. Some would say this was said because of her looks. She had white hair that reached her waist and blue eyes that were so reminiscent of the waters of Belegaer ooooo..let us drop our jaws in amazement, the author knows the geography of Arda! that it was said you could sea the ruins of ancient Numénor in their depths and the history too!. She was tall and slender and her ruby-red lips seldom spoke. Tending to be unsociable, she spent most of her days in one of Rivendell's many courtyards, singing with birds that came her way. Her sister Arwen Didn't you see that coming? was compared to Luthien Tinuviel I'm just too lazy for accent marks. Sorry guys --;;, but she was compared to the same great elf in voice; for her voice was like a nightingale's the Author knows what Tinuviel means in Sindarin!.
But soon, the lovely life she led in Rivendell was destroyed. Sauron had risen again and he was in search of the Three Elven Rings. NOTE: After the One was destroyed, all other rings lost power. They were also all taken over the sea to Valinor. Where Elrond went. After the War. So why is she still in Rivendell?!Elrond was captured by Orcs and tortured for information about the ring and that's just soo...possible. Orcs just march up to Rivendell and grab the Elven Lord whose actually supposed to be in Valinor and no one puts up a fight! They just stand there and watch him being taken away. Yup, TONS OF TRUTH. Before he is taken he throws Vilya Author knows name of Elrond's ring. At least it's a Mary Sue with research. When you protest against a Mary Sue, the author always has a "But it was all true!" hidden up their sleve. Sneaky sneaky. to his daughter,
"Never let it fall into Sauron's hands Linwë! Never!" and lets overlook the fact that the Orcs are in hearing range.
Frightened by her father's capture, and having no where else to turn, Linwë flees to Lorien, but instead is ambushed by the Orcs on the way there! In trying to escape she accidently misses Lorien Is that really possible? "Oh look there's a beautiful elven wood surrounded by mountains but I really don't think its Lorien! On to Mirkwood then!" and ends up in Mirkwood instead.
She wanders for days and days on end, her bow ever drawn to fight off any of Sauron's minions. Eventually, she stumbles upon the Old Forest Road, and recognizing it immediately How can you recognize a road? she takes it to the Elven Halls of Mirkwood.
But she falls into trouble. For of the spiders that attacked Bilbo and the Dwarves so many years ago, some remain. They take her captive despite her valiant efforts to ward them off.
The spiders carry her to their lair and tie her up in spider silk. Just as the biggest spider was going to take a bite out of her, an arrow was shot at its head and it fell over. With one arrow. It was killed. Oh why don't we go ahead and call it the One Arrow. The All Powerful Arrow. That can kill really evil spiders with just one hit into their freakishly hairy skulls. Several more arrows were shot out of the mirk of Mirkwood er...find another adjective other than 'mirk' and the spiders were slain. Her savior came out of the shadows and revealed himself,
"Mi'lady are your hurt? One as fair as you should not be wandering amuck through the forest of Mirkwood." Said a blonde elf with blonde hair and beautiful blue-violet eyes, GEE I wonder who it is?
"Thank you for your kindness good sir *cough*Attempt at Old English*cough*," Linwë smiled, "May I know the name of my brave hero?"
"I am Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood and son of Tharanduil." note to the ladie's man aka Legolas, maybe you should uh...undo the spider silk stuff so she can get free instead of standing their babbling like a poncy git? Not that Legolas is a poncy git, I find him, or rather Orlando Bloom playing him, quite attractive ^^. But that's not the point.
"Uh, could you help me Prince Legolas? I seem to be bound quite tightly."
"But of course mi'lday. Please, call me Legolas." there ya go ^^!!
Legolas cut the spider bindings and cut her shirt off!!! No, I am not perverted, I just had to type that, because you know its going to happen sooner or later. They're going to..censored...you get it. helped her up.
"I shall lead you to the Elven Halls of my people. Come, it is not far."
Linwë mounted Legolas' horse it magically appeared *cough*Fake Author's License*cough* behind the prince and they headed East towards Legolas' home. On the way, Linwë grew thirsty and they stopped by a spring That magically popped up due to the Authors FAKE Authors License which is so expired because there is no friggin' spring in Mirkwood!!! Or at least I think there isn't...let's just leave it at that.
While bending over to get a drink, Linwë fell headfirst into the pond so it's a pond now huh?. A large rock caught at her dress and she fell farther and farther until she hit the bottom how deep is a friggin' pond?!. The rock would not budge! Linwë screamed for help, but her lungs only filled with water smart one...
Legolas jumped in after her without hesitation. He ripped her dress free of the rock NO it does NOT come off!! and swam back to the surface no.he just stayed down there and had a grand feast with the fish and algae.
He lay her on the shore what its now bay watch? and felt her pulse ah! He watches ER on Mirkwood Television. He let out a cry for her heart did not beat. He opened her mouth and did uh...mouth to mouth. which I really doubt they had in Middle Earth in the Third Age. Her blue eyes fluttered open and she coughed up water.
"You are alive!" he exclaimed happily, but she did not reply, only stared into nothingness and shivered violently you'd think she was just trampled by a herd of Nazgul. GEE GOLLY. He moved her to a cave by the pond that magically sprang up and covered her with a blanket he had in his pack that also magically sprang up.
"Its so cold.." she muttered,
"You'll have to discard you wet clothing." She simply nodded, but could not move to do the task,
He undressed her, trying to keep his eyes averted and set out her wet clothing to dry. But her shivering did not cease. Fearing she had hypothermia which Legolas magically knows because he is actually a medical professor at Mirkwood College he knew he would have to raise her body temperature. and we all know where this is going. WARNING: MAJOR MARY SUE- ish AHEADSheepishly, he discarded his tunic and lay on her, covering both of them with the blanket.
Linwë only smiled in her sleep. He could feel that her body temperature was rising. Not wanting to risk anything risk WHAT? he stayed there for the rest of the night. He felt her naked skin I feel like barfing on his EW EW EW and felt sparks in his heart for this strange Elven girl ARGH. He rested his head on her's and fell asleep as well.
In the morning, he awoke to see her looking up at him and said, How wasted was I last night?
"Good morning kind sir. May I ask what you are doing?" Why so calm --;;;
"I-I had to keep you warm."
"And you did that well." She smiled,
They returned to Mirkwood that same day. And wed that same night. and then what happened? CENSOR All of Middle Earth was joyous to see them wed. They sailed across the sea and lived happily ever after in Valinor. Audience Vomits And whatever happened to dear old daddy still stuck somewhere being tortured by Orcs? Well that's another story...
A/N: Now I know that this has been done before, but every author exaggerates it so much, it turns out to be a joke more than a warning taken seriously by other authors. So this is THE Mary Sue Parody; just as the One Ring is THE Ring. Sure there are the Seven and the Nine and of course the Three (who couldn't forget those?), but this is the One. DUN DUN DUN. Ok, that was just sounded really really gay.
Ok, read this chapter first to get the story, then read the next chapter for the story with all the little remarks!
Linwë Telrúnya*cough*Author's Name*cough*On Elven Name Translator*cough* was not a usual elf are they ever?. Some would say this was said because of her looks. She had white hair that reached her waist and blue eyes that were so reminiscent of the waters of Belegaer ooooo..let us drop our jaws in amazement, the author knows the geography of Arda! that it was said you could sea the ruins of ancient Numénor in their depths and the history too!. She was tall and slender and her ruby-red lips seldom spoke. Tending to be unsociable, she spent most of her days in one of Rivendell's many courtyards, singing with birds that came her way. Her sister Arwen Didn't you see that coming? was compared to Luthien Tinuviel I'm just too lazy for accent marks. Sorry guys --;;, but she was compared to the same great elf in voice; for her voice was like a nightingale's the Author knows what Tinuviel means in Sindarin!.
But soon, the lovely life she led in Rivendell was destroyed. Sauron had risen again and he was in search of the Three Elven Rings. NOTE: After the One was destroyed, all other rings lost power. They were also all taken over the sea to Valinor. Where Elrond went. After the War. So why is she still in Rivendell?!Elrond was captured by Orcs and tortured for information about the ring and that's just soo...possible. Orcs just march up to Rivendell and grab the Elven Lord whose actually supposed to be in Valinor and no one puts up a fight! They just stand there and watch him being taken away. Yup, TONS OF TRUTH. Before he is taken he throws Vilya Author knows name of Elrond's ring. At least it's a Mary Sue with research. When you protest against a Mary Sue, the author always has a "But it was all true!" hidden up their sleve. Sneaky sneaky. to his daughter,
"Never let it fall into Sauron's hands Linwë! Never!" and lets overlook the fact that the Orcs are in hearing range.
Frightened by her father's capture, and having no where else to turn, Linwë flees to Lorien, but instead is ambushed by the Orcs on the way there! In trying to escape she accidently misses Lorien Is that really possible? "Oh look there's a beautiful elven wood surrounded by mountains but I really don't think its Lorien! On to Mirkwood then!" and ends up in Mirkwood instead.
She wanders for days and days on end, her bow ever drawn to fight off any of Sauron's minions. Eventually, she stumbles upon the Old Forest Road, and recognizing it immediately How can you recognize a road? she takes it to the Elven Halls of Mirkwood.
But she falls into trouble. For of the spiders that attacked Bilbo and the Dwarves so many years ago, some remain. They take her captive despite her valiant efforts to ward them off.
The spiders carry her to their lair and tie her up in spider silk. Just as the biggest spider was going to take a bite out of her, an arrow was shot at its head and it fell over. With one arrow. It was killed. Oh why don't we go ahead and call it the One Arrow. The All Powerful Arrow. That can kill really evil spiders with just one hit into their freakishly hairy skulls. Several more arrows were shot out of the mirk of Mirkwood er...find another adjective other than 'mirk' and the spiders were slain. Her savior came out of the shadows and revealed himself,
"Mi'lady are your hurt? One as fair as you should not be wandering amuck through the forest of Mirkwood." Said a blonde elf with blonde hair and beautiful blue-violet eyes, GEE I wonder who it is?
"Thank you for your kindness good sir *cough*Attempt at Old English*cough*," Linwë smiled, "May I know the name of my brave hero?"
"I am Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood and son of Tharanduil." note to the ladie's man aka Legolas, maybe you should uh...undo the spider silk stuff so she can get free instead of standing their babbling like a poncy git? Not that Legolas is a poncy git, I find him, or rather Orlando Bloom playing him, quite attractive ^^. But that's not the point.
"Uh, could you help me Prince Legolas? I seem to be bound quite tightly."
"But of course mi'lday. Please, call me Legolas." there ya go ^^!!
Legolas cut the spider bindings and cut her shirt off!!! No, I am not perverted, I just had to type that, because you know its going to happen sooner or later. They're going to..censored...you get it. helped her up.
"I shall lead you to the Elven Halls of my people. Come, it is not far."
Linwë mounted Legolas' horse it magically appeared *cough*Fake Author's License*cough* behind the prince and they headed East towards Legolas' home. On the way, Linwë grew thirsty and they stopped by a spring That magically popped up due to the Authors FAKE Authors License which is so expired because there is no friggin' spring in Mirkwood!!! Or at least I think there isn't...let's just leave it at that.
While bending over to get a drink, Linwë fell headfirst into the pond so it's a pond now huh?. A large rock caught at her dress and she fell farther and farther until she hit the bottom how deep is a friggin' pond?!. The rock would not budge! Linwë screamed for help, but her lungs only filled with water smart one...
Legolas jumped in after her without hesitation. He ripped her dress free of the rock NO it does NOT come off!! and swam back to the surface no.he just stayed down there and had a grand feast with the fish and algae.
He lay her on the shore what its now bay watch? and felt her pulse ah! He watches ER on Mirkwood Television. He let out a cry for her heart did not beat. He opened her mouth and did uh...mouth to mouth. which I really doubt they had in Middle Earth in the Third Age. Her blue eyes fluttered open and she coughed up water.
"You are alive!" he exclaimed happily, but she did not reply, only stared into nothingness and shivered violently you'd think she was just trampled by a herd of Nazgul. GEE GOLLY. He moved her to a cave by the pond that magically sprang up and covered her with a blanket he had in his pack that also magically sprang up.
"Its so cold.." she muttered,
"You'll have to discard you wet clothing." She simply nodded, but could not move to do the task,
He undressed her, trying to keep his eyes averted and set out her wet clothing to dry. But her shivering did not cease. Fearing she had hypothermia which Legolas magically knows because he is actually a medical professor at Mirkwood College he knew he would have to raise her body temperature. and we all know where this is going. WARNING: MAJOR MARY SUE- ish AHEADSheepishly, he discarded his tunic and lay on her, covering both of them with the blanket.
Linwë only smiled in her sleep. He could feel that her body temperature was rising. Not wanting to risk anything risk WHAT? he stayed there for the rest of the night. He felt her naked skin I feel like barfing on his EW EW EW and felt sparks in his heart for this strange Elven girl ARGH. He rested his head on her's and fell asleep as well.
In the morning, he awoke to see her looking up at him and said, How wasted was I last night?
"Good morning kind sir. May I ask what you are doing?" Why so calm --;;;
"I-I had to keep you warm."
"And you did that well." She smiled,
They returned to Mirkwood that same day. And wed that same night. and then what happened? CENSOR All of Middle Earth was joyous to see them wed. They sailed across the sea and lived happily ever after in Valinor. Audience Vomits And whatever happened to dear old daddy still stuck somewhere being tortured by Orcs? Well that's another story...