Title: Never to see the sun again
Summary: Post s6, after 'Him" but nothing after. Spike POV
Disclaimer: you all know I'm not creative or smart enough to have any part
in thes characters.
A/N: Okay so There is a possibility of a series if I can muster up the energy for it. Reviews would be nice, but I don't think I need them, just read and try not to fall asleep.
This is to a person who I know, She's going through some personal *#%$ (friggin FF.net censors) right now. Just know that you give your own light, be proud of it, and shine baby shine.
(if the rest of you think this is corny you can kiss my (some say very nice) Butt!)
*********************
He had been sitting there for what seemed like weeks, but he knew that it had been just an hour. It drew out slowly like a blade across the skin. And hurt worse than the cross he had held so closely. But now he sat out in the park, on a bench, for hours, just thinking. Events of the past would play in his mind like a movie screen. He would sometimes remember the people, their screams, their faces when they saw his. Each event would take an hour to remember and get over the pain is his gut which it caused. Then on to the next. But not tonight. Tonight he did not remember, he just looked at what state he was in.
She had come back for him, and when she did he thought he would see it, see it in her face, but there was nothing, nothing for him. And that's when he just gave up, he didn't fight it anymore. So he left with her, leaving the place that held the voices, and into a closet. Living with the man who hated him more than anything. And rightly so, Xander had seen what would happen, the pain everyone might feel if they let the creature into there homes, into there hearts. And that creature had proven the man right.
He didn't call himself a man anymore, he wasn't, he was a creature, a thing, beneath them all. And he was alone. Cold, surprisingly since he wasn't supposed to feel it. But he wasn't supposed to feel a lot of things. But He did. Because of her. He loved her, hated her, and worst of all, hurt her. And even before he put the weight of a conscience on himself, he felt guilty, sorry, and pain because of what he had done. Done to her.
He understood now, why he had done it, why he didn't hear her screams, her cries. He had finally figured it out. She had taken his light away, and he tried to make her give it back, to give back what she had given him willingly at one point. Not the sex, sex was the way she gave the light. Shaking his head he tried to make sense of what he was thinking.
He had made her his light. When he realized he loved her, she had become what he had never felt. The sun. The bit had it too, but that was completely different, she was warmth and no light. But that was comforting enough. He hadn't realized how cold he had been until he felt that warmth, when she smiled. It was the same with Buffy except he caught a glimpse of that light when he felt the warmth.
So when he fell in love with her, and caught a glimpse of that light, he decided to do anything he could to see that light again. If that putting on the white hat and fighting the good fight, then that's what he tried to do. His demon fought against it, and would win when she hurt him with her words, and he would lash out, striking her away, but when that happened he would fight harder. His demon was completely silenced when Dru came back, and he finally made his decision.
He had loved Dru, she was his dark princess, but that was different from the way he was with Buffy. When he was evil, still is but is too busy being guilty to be evil, he was alone in a room, cold and in the dark, when Dru came he wasn't alone. He was still in that room and in the dark, but he could feel her with him, so it didn't matter. But then she left, left him in the dark alone. So he tried to get her back, and when that didn't work he tried to replace her, with harmony, course that had turned into a disaster.
Then he had felt the warmth from dawn, and Joyce, when they smiled, when they were near him. And so he protected them with all his being. He was happy with that, it almost didn't matter he was alone, just that he was cold.
Then he saw her smile, the way her lips curved upwards. And it felt like the sun had allowed him a second of mercy, allowing him to see her in all her beauty without turning him into ashes. He had seen it, then it was gone, that wonderful sight that had filled his cell with light and warmed him more than anyone had in all his years. So he fell in love. Tried to do what she would want and see that light in her. He didn't want something from her, he wanted her, she was his light. He had made her so.
When she died, it hurt more than anyone would understand, that light which warmed him for a few moments would never shine again. So he was alone again, but not cold. He would have waited for the sun if he was cold, because life without that would be meaningless. Dawn was the only reason he had gone on. Because he still had to protect that warmth she always gave with a smile. It was all he had left.
Then hope returned when he saw her again, in that instant he knew the light could shine again. But being torn away from heaven had put a shroud over her. Making that light shine less bright. It's power to warm the dark gone. So he did everything he could to get it back. Held her, comforted her, listened to her. And each time she smiled at her friends it pained him, because each time he would anticipate the coming of it's brightness, and each time nothing happened. The curve of those lips held only false happiness and the cold became stronger.
Then the kiss, and it was back, strong, warm and bright. The sight of it made him ignore the denial, the stinging words, all of it.
Then that night, the night the walls crumbled. When they were together, it was as if the sun had shone so brightly that there was not a shadow on the earth. The warmth that radiated from it almost made his heart beat again. He had seen the sun in all it's glory. And anything she did was forgivable, no matter how loud she yelled or how hard she hit, he could forgive her. She had become more than his light, she had become the sun of his dark cell. And he would do anything to keep it.
He had proven that.
It was quite poetic really, when they had been together in that rubble it was his sunrise, and when they were together again in rubble that had been his sunset. And once again he was in the dark. He tried to get it back, but nothing brought it back over the horizon. And finally the warmth had gone to. He had been so captured by the sight of the sun he ignored the very person who gave him warmth in the first place. And so when things seemed to be at there worst, when he was alone, in his cell, in the dark, the warmth left him. And for the first time, he fought the coldness that crept in him. And so tried to take back the sun.
The sex wasn't the sun, sex was when he saw the sun.
But he couldn't take the sun, he couldn't take something that had to be given. He didn't hear her, he didn't see her. All he saw was a door, keeping him from the sun. So he tore at it. And it sent him flying into the tiled wall.
He had hurt her, he had hurt his sun.
And then he felt something that he had never felt before in all his 126 years of existence. He felt the pain in his heart, because of what he had done. It scared him more than anything he had ever seen, felt, or heard. What made hurt more was that he had put it there, that he knew he deserved it. So he left, at first he thought it was the chip, he hadn't started feeling this way until this had happened. So he ran to make the pain stop. But it didn't, if anything he chose to put the weight on his mind and his heart.
That's what the soul was, a weight, that tore inside him. And nothing he did made it stop. In a way it was better when he was insane, he had been lost, away, he felt pain, but he could recognize what it was, he couldn't know what it was. But now he knew, remembered, and lived every second over again. And now he was alone, in the dark, cold.
Never to see the sun again.
A/N: Okay so There is a possibility of a series if I can muster up the energy for it. Reviews would be nice, but I don't think I need them, just read and try not to fall asleep.
This is to a person who I know, She's going through some personal *#%$ (friggin FF.net censors) right now. Just know that you give your own light, be proud of it, and shine baby shine.
(if the rest of you think this is corny you can kiss my (some say very nice) Butt!)
*********************
He had been sitting there for what seemed like weeks, but he knew that it had been just an hour. It drew out slowly like a blade across the skin. And hurt worse than the cross he had held so closely. But now he sat out in the park, on a bench, for hours, just thinking. Events of the past would play in his mind like a movie screen. He would sometimes remember the people, their screams, their faces when they saw his. Each event would take an hour to remember and get over the pain is his gut which it caused. Then on to the next. But not tonight. Tonight he did not remember, he just looked at what state he was in.
She had come back for him, and when she did he thought he would see it, see it in her face, but there was nothing, nothing for him. And that's when he just gave up, he didn't fight it anymore. So he left with her, leaving the place that held the voices, and into a closet. Living with the man who hated him more than anything. And rightly so, Xander had seen what would happen, the pain everyone might feel if they let the creature into there homes, into there hearts. And that creature had proven the man right.
He didn't call himself a man anymore, he wasn't, he was a creature, a thing, beneath them all. And he was alone. Cold, surprisingly since he wasn't supposed to feel it. But he wasn't supposed to feel a lot of things. But He did. Because of her. He loved her, hated her, and worst of all, hurt her. And even before he put the weight of a conscience on himself, he felt guilty, sorry, and pain because of what he had done. Done to her.
He understood now, why he had done it, why he didn't hear her screams, her cries. He had finally figured it out. She had taken his light away, and he tried to make her give it back, to give back what she had given him willingly at one point. Not the sex, sex was the way she gave the light. Shaking his head he tried to make sense of what he was thinking.
He had made her his light. When he realized he loved her, she had become what he had never felt. The sun. The bit had it too, but that was completely different, she was warmth and no light. But that was comforting enough. He hadn't realized how cold he had been until he felt that warmth, when she smiled. It was the same with Buffy except he caught a glimpse of that light when he felt the warmth.
So when he fell in love with her, and caught a glimpse of that light, he decided to do anything he could to see that light again. If that putting on the white hat and fighting the good fight, then that's what he tried to do. His demon fought against it, and would win when she hurt him with her words, and he would lash out, striking her away, but when that happened he would fight harder. His demon was completely silenced when Dru came back, and he finally made his decision.
He had loved Dru, she was his dark princess, but that was different from the way he was with Buffy. When he was evil, still is but is too busy being guilty to be evil, he was alone in a room, cold and in the dark, when Dru came he wasn't alone. He was still in that room and in the dark, but he could feel her with him, so it didn't matter. But then she left, left him in the dark alone. So he tried to get her back, and when that didn't work he tried to replace her, with harmony, course that had turned into a disaster.
Then he had felt the warmth from dawn, and Joyce, when they smiled, when they were near him. And so he protected them with all his being. He was happy with that, it almost didn't matter he was alone, just that he was cold.
Then he saw her smile, the way her lips curved upwards. And it felt like the sun had allowed him a second of mercy, allowing him to see her in all her beauty without turning him into ashes. He had seen it, then it was gone, that wonderful sight that had filled his cell with light and warmed him more than anyone had in all his years. So he fell in love. Tried to do what she would want and see that light in her. He didn't want something from her, he wanted her, she was his light. He had made her so.
When she died, it hurt more than anyone would understand, that light which warmed him for a few moments would never shine again. So he was alone again, but not cold. He would have waited for the sun if he was cold, because life without that would be meaningless. Dawn was the only reason he had gone on. Because he still had to protect that warmth she always gave with a smile. It was all he had left.
Then hope returned when he saw her again, in that instant he knew the light could shine again. But being torn away from heaven had put a shroud over her. Making that light shine less bright. It's power to warm the dark gone. So he did everything he could to get it back. Held her, comforted her, listened to her. And each time she smiled at her friends it pained him, because each time he would anticipate the coming of it's brightness, and each time nothing happened. The curve of those lips held only false happiness and the cold became stronger.
Then the kiss, and it was back, strong, warm and bright. The sight of it made him ignore the denial, the stinging words, all of it.
Then that night, the night the walls crumbled. When they were together, it was as if the sun had shone so brightly that there was not a shadow on the earth. The warmth that radiated from it almost made his heart beat again. He had seen the sun in all it's glory. And anything she did was forgivable, no matter how loud she yelled or how hard she hit, he could forgive her. She had become more than his light, she had become the sun of his dark cell. And he would do anything to keep it.
He had proven that.
It was quite poetic really, when they had been together in that rubble it was his sunrise, and when they were together again in rubble that had been his sunset. And once again he was in the dark. He tried to get it back, but nothing brought it back over the horizon. And finally the warmth had gone to. He had been so captured by the sight of the sun he ignored the very person who gave him warmth in the first place. And so when things seemed to be at there worst, when he was alone, in his cell, in the dark, the warmth left him. And for the first time, he fought the coldness that crept in him. And so tried to take back the sun.
The sex wasn't the sun, sex was when he saw the sun.
But he couldn't take the sun, he couldn't take something that had to be given. He didn't hear her, he didn't see her. All he saw was a door, keeping him from the sun. So he tore at it. And it sent him flying into the tiled wall.
He had hurt her, he had hurt his sun.
And then he felt something that he had never felt before in all his 126 years of existence. He felt the pain in his heart, because of what he had done. It scared him more than anything he had ever seen, felt, or heard. What made hurt more was that he had put it there, that he knew he deserved it. So he left, at first he thought it was the chip, he hadn't started feeling this way until this had happened. So he ran to make the pain stop. But it didn't, if anything he chose to put the weight on his mind and his heart.
That's what the soul was, a weight, that tore inside him. And nothing he did made it stop. In a way it was better when he was insane, he had been lost, away, he felt pain, but he could recognize what it was, he couldn't know what it was. But now he knew, remembered, and lived every second over again. And now he was alone, in the dark, cold.
Never to see the sun again.