Soul Reaver - part 6: Return of the Jerk.
Notice: I do not own any of the characters from LOK, Newline, Fox or Disney.
Me: Hello, sorry about the delay of 5, but as I've said I was a little stumped.
Raziel: More fruit!?!
Me: What?
Raziel: Tell where you get this stuff.
Me: No :p
Raziel: Ah screw it.
(He storms off.)
Kain: I'm in this one YEAH! :)
Me: Yes Kain we know. *Pats him on head*
(Kain walks out of sight.)
Me: I have included some special guests in this one, when you review tell what you think, so here it is - part 6.
************************************************************** *************************
(We arrive in the spectral realm where Raziel ended up after slipping on another banana peel and falling into the water.)
Raziel: I'm gonna hunt down the one responsible for this damn peel business.
(He looks around and spots three sets of gates, one contain a weird triangular thingy, he uses his phase ability to get a look at it.)
Elder God: This is a health-up.
Raziel: And?
Elder God: It increases health, duh, collect five and win a wonderful prize!
Raziel: What?
Elder God: Oh sorry, I've always wanted to say that, anyway, get five to augment your strength.
Raziel: What the hell that does mean?
(Three bricks fly out of nowhere and hit his head, they even explode too.)
Elder God: IT MEANS TO INCREASE THE CAPACITY OF YOUR HEALTH YOU GIT!
Raziel: *Like an idiot* Oh.
(He then looks at the other two gates, one seems to lead to the lake but the other looks like it leads to a chamber of some sorts.)
Raziel: Might as well check it out.
(He phases through the gate and then uses the material portal; he then observes the chamber, suddenly there is the sound of kazoos and confetti as a banner unfolds from the ceiling.)
It reads: WINNER!
(Suddenly hundreds of people appear and a man dressed in a smart business suit with a mic steps up to Raziel.)
Man in suit: You are the lucky winner of the first ever *crowd yells with him* NOSGOTH GLYPH SPELL CONTEST!
Raziel: O.o I. have?
M.I.S: Yes indeed.
Raziel: Who are you?
M.I.S: I'm Mr. An Ass Hole but you can just call me A-hole.
Raziel: O.O Okay.
A-hole: Here is your first spell, the sound glyph, it can really mess up your vampire adversaries.
Raziel: Thanks. I think.
A-hole: Oh by the way, when you find the others, just tell them you're the contest winner.
Raziel: I will *You mentally insane git*
(He turns and leaves, the crowd for one annoying reason or another, keep on cheering until he goes spectral and exits to the next gate and makes his way to the abyss, he decides to take the warp-gate that was in the room before the lake.)
Raziel: This warp may take a while.
(An intermission sign appears and a little jingle plays, various characters appear in tiny bubbles.)
Raziel: *Little popcorn tubs appear around him* I have chosen the large tub.
Ariel: *Icees surround her* I hope they have Icees!
Vorador: *Various snacks appear* Go get some snacks, perhaps a carbonated soda.
Moebius: *Milkduds boxes appear* My nipples look like milkduds!
Kain: *??? appear* I have some yellow liquid for your popcorn and it's not dairy!
(Intermission ends and we see Raziel is advancing towards the Sanctuary of the Clans.)
Raziel: Why the hell did you put that KungPow joke in?
Me: Because I felt like it.
Raziel: o_o Riigghhtt.
(He goes spectral and enters, grabbing the health-up and returning to material, he walks into the courtyard with the large small ponds, posted on the walls are posters of Kain doing magic and showing his usual hours, suddenly the doors slam on both sides and two vampires appear.)
Vampire #1: *With Boston accent* Heyo uh Jim do you what I see?
Raziel: O.o
Vampire #2: *With same accent* Yes I do Earl, say, what should we do with 'im?
Vampire #1: I uh guess we should just kill him.
Vampire #2: Okay.
(They attack Raziel, who ducks a swing from the 1st and punches him the testicles.)
Vampire #1: O~O *Groans in pain and falls over*
(The 2nd lunges at Raz who impales him with a spear that was lying next to him.)
Vampire #1: *Gets up* Hey you ass you just killed there Jim!
(The 1st charges at Raziel who trips him into the water, after he devours both of their souls he proceeds into the ridiculously gated corridors.)
Raziel: Since when does a great vampire lord need so many fricken' gates?
(He goes spectral and phases through them until he reaches the entrance to the throne room, he goes material and enters, Kain is nowhere to be found.
Raziel: ?
(He suddenly hears music coming from behind Kain's throne and peers behind it, Kain is sitting on a chair playing a PS2, he's playing 'Devil May Cry'.)
Raziel: O.O
Kain: *Sees Raziel and doesn't seem surprised by his sudden appearance and says calmly* Raziel.
Raziel: Kain!
Kain: Raziel.
Raziel: Kain!
Kain: Raziel.
Raziel: Kain!
Me: Will you stop that!
Kain: Sorry, uh oh yeah!, the abyss has been an ass to you.
(He turns off his machine and begins to approach Raziel, causally but menacingly.)
Raziel: I am your creation, Kain - now, as before. You criticize your own work. What have you done with my clan, ass clown! You have no right-
Kain: What I have made, I can also beat the crap out of and destroy, child. Watch as I destroy this!
(He pulls out dairy.)
Raziel: O.O NOOO!!!
(Kain destroys it.)
Kain: See.
Raziel: Damn you, Kain! You are not God! This act of Genocide is unconscionable!
Kain: Conscience.? I killed Jiminy cricket! You dare speak to me of conscience? Only when you have felt the full gravity of choice should you dare to question my judgement!
Your life's span is a flicker compared to the mass of doubt and regret that I have borne since Mortanius first got hooked on gambling, oh and turned me from the light also. To know that the fate of the world hangs on the advisedness of my every deed - can you even to conceive what action you would take, in my position?
Raziel: Yep, I would first ban all fruit on Nosgoth and then possibly consider on destroying all block puzzles.
Kain: Oh shut up and look around you, Raziel - see what has become of our empire, well mine really but you know what I mean, after that party. Witness the end of an age. The clans, scattered to the corners of Nosgoth with half of my supply of liquor missing.
This place has outlasted its battery life -- as have you.
(He draws the Soul Reaver from its scabbard; its energy makes it glow like a Christmas tree.)
Raziel V.O: The Soul Reaver, Kain ancient blade - older than any of us, and a thousand times more deadly. Legends claimed that the blade was possessed by Casper the friendly ghost, and thrived by devouring happy meals by the truck loads, oh and the souls of it's victims. For all our stupidity, we knew what it meant when Kain drew the Soul Reaver in anger - it meant you were screwed.
(Kain teleports around the room and zaps Raziel, who is sent into spectral, he soon returns to material.)
Raziel: ASS! Time to use my secret weapon.
(He reaches into his cowl and draws a gold ring that is attached to a chain and has many inscriptions on it, it seems to emit evil incantations, he throws it at Kain, who picks it up.)
Kain: The ring of power? Why would I want this? I'm already as powerful as it is.
Raziel: That's not the reason. *He grins*
(Suddenly Gandalf appears and looks angrily at Kain.)
Kain: O.O
Gandalf: You shall never posses the power of the ring!
(He smashes his staff hard into Kain's testicles, who drops to the floor in pain.)
Gandalf: Here Frodo.
(He hands the ring to a short man with bare furry feet.)
Frodo: Thanks Gandalf.
(He then kicks Kain square in the stomach.)
Frodo: Git!
Gandalf: We must return the ring to mount Doom! (Is that what it's called?)
(He and Frodo vanish, Raziel walks up to Kain.)
Raziel: HAH! Try and beat that!
Kain: *Left eye twitching in pain and anger* Gladly!
(He brings the Soul Reaver high over his head.)
Raziel: eppp.
(Kain brings the sword down on Raziel's head, causing the blade to explode with many special effects.)
Kain: Ha! Take that ass! The blade is vanquished. So it unfolds. we are one step closer to buying that condo.
(He vanishes as Raziel slips into spectral.)
Raziel: OW! That f***ing hurt! *Now V.O* I swore I saw a glint of satisfaction if Kain's eye when the Soul Reaver was destroyed, he must have been thinking of a joke I guess. I did not understand the game Kain was playing, I usually need to see the instructions then I get it. But I knew a cheat code, and the finishing move.
(He notices the Soul Reaver is there, now a wraith blade, was hovering in front of him.)
Raziel: O.o
(He idiotically touches; it flares to life and melds into his arm.)
Raziel: O.O AAAGGGHHH!!! Get it off of me!
Elder God: Calm down, it ain't gonna hurt you.
Raziel: In the sequel it will.
Elder God: Shhh! Your not supposed to beaware of that yet!
Raziel: Oh yeah.
Elder God: Now where were we? Oh yeah, from now on and forever more, you and this blade are inextricably bound.
Raziel: O.o you mean like married?
(A brick hits him on the head.)
Elder God: NO! now let me finish.
By destroying the blade.
(He does another long speech, which puts Raziel to sleep again.)
Elder God: RAZIEL!
Raziel: *Bubble in nose pops* Whoa! I'm awake!
Elder God: Ingrate.
(A spirit suddenly drifts towards Raziel as he was grasping the sword.)
Ariel: What the hell was all that noise!
Raziel: O.o AH! G.G.GHOST!
(He cowers.)
Ariel: o_o Idiot.
Raziel: Oh, sorry ugh, oh yeah, I did not intend to disturb your rest.
Ariel: REST, how can I! I'm a spirit you git, a body is needed for sleep, flesh and bones are required to recline, and a pillow and some blankets too. No child all I do is watch Oprah all day, oh and the world decay, I think I saw a mountain collapse today. Ghastly past, insufferable future, and cargo pants, are they one and the same.? Am I always here?
Raziel: Well you are here right now.
Ariel: That's true.
Raziel: Have you come to haunt these pillars?
Ariel: Kain refused the sacrifice and the cool offer for a Mack card. The pillar of balance, corrupted to its apple core, stands as a paperweight to Kain's blind stupidity. Now they bind me here - my prison and eternal home, thanks to the avarice of that ass, your master, Kain.
Raziel: That bastard can claim no allegiance or friendship from me, I already crossed his name off my holiday greeting card.
Ariel: Then we share a common enemy, Raziel. Return here when you have need. Ariel remembers what others have forgotten.
Raziel: Do you know where my car keys are?
Ariel: No.
Raziel: Damn. Well do you know where I should go next?
Ariel: Far in the eastern mountains, a stifled titan stands in mute surrender - unwilling host to a parasitic swarm.
Raziel: Come again?
Ariel: Just go to the big gates you couldn't get through earlier.
Raziel: Oh.
(He walks out of the sanctuary, the Elder God tells him the same thing.)
Raziel: Heard it.
Elder God: Oh okay.
************************************************************** *************************
Me: Well I hope you liked it, I just thought of that L.O.T.R stuff today and decided to add it please tell what you think.
Raziel: Do you know where my keys are?
Me: :| No.
Kain: Can I break more stuff?
Me: Sure.
(Make a ton of stuff appear and Kain begins to wreck it.)
Ariel: My hair is flawed, its once beautiful shine now faded.
Me: Oh shut up with that damn riddle talking!
Please review and I will give the power of a god, truckloads of candy, weapons and cool stuff, plus I will let you all beat up Moebius.
(Muffled cries come from closet behind him.)
Just ignore that.
Bye!
Notice: I do not own any of the characters from LOK, Newline, Fox or Disney.
Me: Hello, sorry about the delay of 5, but as I've said I was a little stumped.
Raziel: More fruit!?!
Me: What?
Raziel: Tell where you get this stuff.
Me: No :p
Raziel: Ah screw it.
(He storms off.)
Kain: I'm in this one YEAH! :)
Me: Yes Kain we know. *Pats him on head*
(Kain walks out of sight.)
Me: I have included some special guests in this one, when you review tell what you think, so here it is - part 6.
************************************************************** *************************
(We arrive in the spectral realm where Raziel ended up after slipping on another banana peel and falling into the water.)
Raziel: I'm gonna hunt down the one responsible for this damn peel business.
(He looks around and spots three sets of gates, one contain a weird triangular thingy, he uses his phase ability to get a look at it.)
Elder God: This is a health-up.
Raziel: And?
Elder God: It increases health, duh, collect five and win a wonderful prize!
Raziel: What?
Elder God: Oh sorry, I've always wanted to say that, anyway, get five to augment your strength.
Raziel: What the hell that does mean?
(Three bricks fly out of nowhere and hit his head, they even explode too.)
Elder God: IT MEANS TO INCREASE THE CAPACITY OF YOUR HEALTH YOU GIT!
Raziel: *Like an idiot* Oh.
(He then looks at the other two gates, one seems to lead to the lake but the other looks like it leads to a chamber of some sorts.)
Raziel: Might as well check it out.
(He phases through the gate and then uses the material portal; he then observes the chamber, suddenly there is the sound of kazoos and confetti as a banner unfolds from the ceiling.)
It reads: WINNER!
(Suddenly hundreds of people appear and a man dressed in a smart business suit with a mic steps up to Raziel.)
Man in suit: You are the lucky winner of the first ever *crowd yells with him* NOSGOTH GLYPH SPELL CONTEST!
Raziel: O.o I. have?
M.I.S: Yes indeed.
Raziel: Who are you?
M.I.S: I'm Mr. An Ass Hole but you can just call me A-hole.
Raziel: O.O Okay.
A-hole: Here is your first spell, the sound glyph, it can really mess up your vampire adversaries.
Raziel: Thanks. I think.
A-hole: Oh by the way, when you find the others, just tell them you're the contest winner.
Raziel: I will *You mentally insane git*
(He turns and leaves, the crowd for one annoying reason or another, keep on cheering until he goes spectral and exits to the next gate and makes his way to the abyss, he decides to take the warp-gate that was in the room before the lake.)
Raziel: This warp may take a while.
(An intermission sign appears and a little jingle plays, various characters appear in tiny bubbles.)
Raziel: *Little popcorn tubs appear around him* I have chosen the large tub.
Ariel: *Icees surround her* I hope they have Icees!
Vorador: *Various snacks appear* Go get some snacks, perhaps a carbonated soda.
Moebius: *Milkduds boxes appear* My nipples look like milkduds!
Kain: *??? appear* I have some yellow liquid for your popcorn and it's not dairy!
(Intermission ends and we see Raziel is advancing towards the Sanctuary of the Clans.)
Raziel: Why the hell did you put that KungPow joke in?
Me: Because I felt like it.
Raziel: o_o Riigghhtt.
(He goes spectral and enters, grabbing the health-up and returning to material, he walks into the courtyard with the large small ponds, posted on the walls are posters of Kain doing magic and showing his usual hours, suddenly the doors slam on both sides and two vampires appear.)
Vampire #1: *With Boston accent* Heyo uh Jim do you what I see?
Raziel: O.o
Vampire #2: *With same accent* Yes I do Earl, say, what should we do with 'im?
Vampire #1: I uh guess we should just kill him.
Vampire #2: Okay.
(They attack Raziel, who ducks a swing from the 1st and punches him the testicles.)
Vampire #1: O~O *Groans in pain and falls over*
(The 2nd lunges at Raz who impales him with a spear that was lying next to him.)
Vampire #1: *Gets up* Hey you ass you just killed there Jim!
(The 1st charges at Raziel who trips him into the water, after he devours both of their souls he proceeds into the ridiculously gated corridors.)
Raziel: Since when does a great vampire lord need so many fricken' gates?
(He goes spectral and phases through them until he reaches the entrance to the throne room, he goes material and enters, Kain is nowhere to be found.
Raziel: ?
(He suddenly hears music coming from behind Kain's throne and peers behind it, Kain is sitting on a chair playing a PS2, he's playing 'Devil May Cry'.)
Raziel: O.O
Kain: *Sees Raziel and doesn't seem surprised by his sudden appearance and says calmly* Raziel.
Raziel: Kain!
Kain: Raziel.
Raziel: Kain!
Kain: Raziel.
Raziel: Kain!
Me: Will you stop that!
Kain: Sorry, uh oh yeah!, the abyss has been an ass to you.
(He turns off his machine and begins to approach Raziel, causally but menacingly.)
Raziel: I am your creation, Kain - now, as before. You criticize your own work. What have you done with my clan, ass clown! You have no right-
Kain: What I have made, I can also beat the crap out of and destroy, child. Watch as I destroy this!
(He pulls out dairy.)
Raziel: O.O NOOO!!!
(Kain destroys it.)
Kain: See.
Raziel: Damn you, Kain! You are not God! This act of Genocide is unconscionable!
Kain: Conscience.? I killed Jiminy cricket! You dare speak to me of conscience? Only when you have felt the full gravity of choice should you dare to question my judgement!
Your life's span is a flicker compared to the mass of doubt and regret that I have borne since Mortanius first got hooked on gambling, oh and turned me from the light also. To know that the fate of the world hangs on the advisedness of my every deed - can you even to conceive what action you would take, in my position?
Raziel: Yep, I would first ban all fruit on Nosgoth and then possibly consider on destroying all block puzzles.
Kain: Oh shut up and look around you, Raziel - see what has become of our empire, well mine really but you know what I mean, after that party. Witness the end of an age. The clans, scattered to the corners of Nosgoth with half of my supply of liquor missing.
This place has outlasted its battery life -- as have you.
(He draws the Soul Reaver from its scabbard; its energy makes it glow like a Christmas tree.)
Raziel V.O: The Soul Reaver, Kain ancient blade - older than any of us, and a thousand times more deadly. Legends claimed that the blade was possessed by Casper the friendly ghost, and thrived by devouring happy meals by the truck loads, oh and the souls of it's victims. For all our stupidity, we knew what it meant when Kain drew the Soul Reaver in anger - it meant you were screwed.
(Kain teleports around the room and zaps Raziel, who is sent into spectral, he soon returns to material.)
Raziel: ASS! Time to use my secret weapon.
(He reaches into his cowl and draws a gold ring that is attached to a chain and has many inscriptions on it, it seems to emit evil incantations, he throws it at Kain, who picks it up.)
Kain: The ring of power? Why would I want this? I'm already as powerful as it is.
Raziel: That's not the reason. *He grins*
(Suddenly Gandalf appears and looks angrily at Kain.)
Kain: O.O
Gandalf: You shall never posses the power of the ring!
(He smashes his staff hard into Kain's testicles, who drops to the floor in pain.)
Gandalf: Here Frodo.
(He hands the ring to a short man with bare furry feet.)
Frodo: Thanks Gandalf.
(He then kicks Kain square in the stomach.)
Frodo: Git!
Gandalf: We must return the ring to mount Doom! (Is that what it's called?)
(He and Frodo vanish, Raziel walks up to Kain.)
Raziel: HAH! Try and beat that!
Kain: *Left eye twitching in pain and anger* Gladly!
(He brings the Soul Reaver high over his head.)
Raziel: eppp.
(Kain brings the sword down on Raziel's head, causing the blade to explode with many special effects.)
Kain: Ha! Take that ass! The blade is vanquished. So it unfolds. we are one step closer to buying that condo.
(He vanishes as Raziel slips into spectral.)
Raziel: OW! That f***ing hurt! *Now V.O* I swore I saw a glint of satisfaction if Kain's eye when the Soul Reaver was destroyed, he must have been thinking of a joke I guess. I did not understand the game Kain was playing, I usually need to see the instructions then I get it. But I knew a cheat code, and the finishing move.
(He notices the Soul Reaver is there, now a wraith blade, was hovering in front of him.)
Raziel: O.o
(He idiotically touches; it flares to life and melds into his arm.)
Raziel: O.O AAAGGGHHH!!! Get it off of me!
Elder God: Calm down, it ain't gonna hurt you.
Raziel: In the sequel it will.
Elder God: Shhh! Your not supposed to beaware of that yet!
Raziel: Oh yeah.
Elder God: Now where were we? Oh yeah, from now on and forever more, you and this blade are inextricably bound.
Raziel: O.o you mean like married?
(A brick hits him on the head.)
Elder God: NO! now let me finish.
By destroying the blade.
(He does another long speech, which puts Raziel to sleep again.)
Elder God: RAZIEL!
Raziel: *Bubble in nose pops* Whoa! I'm awake!
Elder God: Ingrate.
(A spirit suddenly drifts towards Raziel as he was grasping the sword.)
Ariel: What the hell was all that noise!
Raziel: O.o AH! G.G.GHOST!
(He cowers.)
Ariel: o_o Idiot.
Raziel: Oh, sorry ugh, oh yeah, I did not intend to disturb your rest.
Ariel: REST, how can I! I'm a spirit you git, a body is needed for sleep, flesh and bones are required to recline, and a pillow and some blankets too. No child all I do is watch Oprah all day, oh and the world decay, I think I saw a mountain collapse today. Ghastly past, insufferable future, and cargo pants, are they one and the same.? Am I always here?
Raziel: Well you are here right now.
Ariel: That's true.
Raziel: Have you come to haunt these pillars?
Ariel: Kain refused the sacrifice and the cool offer for a Mack card. The pillar of balance, corrupted to its apple core, stands as a paperweight to Kain's blind stupidity. Now they bind me here - my prison and eternal home, thanks to the avarice of that ass, your master, Kain.
Raziel: That bastard can claim no allegiance or friendship from me, I already crossed his name off my holiday greeting card.
Ariel: Then we share a common enemy, Raziel. Return here when you have need. Ariel remembers what others have forgotten.
Raziel: Do you know where my car keys are?
Ariel: No.
Raziel: Damn. Well do you know where I should go next?
Ariel: Far in the eastern mountains, a stifled titan stands in mute surrender - unwilling host to a parasitic swarm.
Raziel: Come again?
Ariel: Just go to the big gates you couldn't get through earlier.
Raziel: Oh.
(He walks out of the sanctuary, the Elder God tells him the same thing.)
Raziel: Heard it.
Elder God: Oh okay.
************************************************************** *************************
Me: Well I hope you liked it, I just thought of that L.O.T.R stuff today and decided to add it please tell what you think.
Raziel: Do you know where my keys are?
Me: :| No.
Kain: Can I break more stuff?
Me: Sure.
(Make a ton of stuff appear and Kain begins to wreck it.)
Ariel: My hair is flawed, its once beautiful shine now faded.
Me: Oh shut up with that damn riddle talking!
Please review and I will give the power of a god, truckloads of candy, weapons and cool stuff, plus I will let you all beat up Moebius.
(Muffled cries come from closet behind him.)
Just ignore that.
Bye!