Soul Reaver - chapter 7: Zephon is a loony.
Note: I don't own LOK or Blackisle or Planescape novels.
Me: I'm glad to see you guys loved pt.6.
Raziel: You sure about my keys?
Me: YES.
(Raziel walks off and bugs random people about his damn keys.)
Zephon: Finally my time to appear.
Me: Yes Zephon, we know.
Zephon: *Idiotically* ^__^
Me: *Underbreath* Moron.
Kain: Am I needed in this one?
Me: No, you can go.
Kain: Ok.
(He returns to playing DMC.)
Me: Well here it is, may I present - Pt. 7! *Blows a kazoo*
************************************************************** *************************
(We see Raziel heading towards the large gate that greeted him when he first exited the underworld.)
Raziel: So apparently I can phase through this gate, right?
Elder God: Yes.
Raziel: Well why is it that in the sequel I can open a door that is just as big?
Elder God: *Shrugs*
(Raziel sighs, goes spectral and phases through the gate, he then uses the material portal, and he then walks up towards the large cathedral.)
Raziel V.O: Once a testament to mankind's defiance of Kain's empire, they used to shoot spitballs and spit at us, bastards, this ridiculously large cathedral now stood derelict, the humans who worshiped here, centuries dead, or they could be vampires now. Its architects were really stoned when they made it, I mean they made the entrance with some weird lock only my soul reaver can open. Made of brass and stone, the cathedral speakers, once tuned to play Leonard Nimoy's record over and over, why would they do such a thing?, it now stood silent, and these vacant rooms were old and crummy.
(He enters and encounters a Zephonim vampire.)
Raziel: Eww! I hate spiders!
(He kills it and stomps the crap out of its body. He proceeds into the center of the cathedral, the buildings are large tower like huts, and Zephon's clan symbols are every where, his symbol and many posters of N'sync.)
Raziel: Zephon, the loony of the bunch.
(Suddenly a whooshing electrical sound and a bright light appeared behind one of the huts, and a man with green skin, a floating skull, a woman with pale skin and a tail and a tall man walk around the hut into view.)
Raziel: O.o
Nameless one: *Gruff voice* Where are we?
Mort: *Wise guy voice* I'm not sure, it doesn't look like Sigil anymore.
Annah: *Scottish like voice* Well let's get the hell outta' here.
Dakkon: *Enlightened like* Who's there?
(They spot Raziel.)
Raziel: Who are you people?
(The Nameless one lunges at Raziel, who cuts his right arm off.)
N.O: Gah!
(He picks up his arm and places it on the stump, it suddenly reattaches as if it never had been cut off.)
Raziel: O.O
(They gang up and kill him, sending him to Spectral, he soon returns to material.)
N.O, Mort, Annah, and Dakkon together: O.O But we killed you!
Raziel: Wait! Hey you know, we seem to have a lot in common.
N.O: It seems so.
(They converse for a while and then the group bids Raziel goodbye.)
Raziel: See you around sometime!
Group: Farewell!
(They vanish into another portal.)
Raziel: What nice people.
(He then climbs up the ledges to get into the inside of the cathedral. After about an hour of activating small air currents he finally has activated the large in ground airconditioner.)
Raziel: Finally, it was pretty stuff for a whi -
(He is cut off as he falls over edge and begins to fall towards the ground.)
Raziel: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh *Deep breath* AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(He grabs his wings and actually is lifted by the currents into the upper chamber.)
Raziel: Phew.
(The new room seems to have a long hallway that leads to a large block like object that seems to be in the way. He goes through the door that is placed in a large pane of glass, he explores the corridor, completing the most annoying block puzzles at current time.)
Raziel: o__- *Eye twitching* This is really getting on my nerves!
(He then is able to throw the switch that opens the large block and runs back to it; it keeps closing several moments before he can get in behind it.)
Raziel: X
(He decides to calm down by playing with a baseball and bat that were lying near the wheel that opens the block.)
Raziel: ^__^ COOL!
(He throws the ball up and then swings the bat, the ball is sent flying into the large glass window that was at the opposite end of the one with the door, it shatters into a thousand pieces.)
Raziel: OPPS!
Zephon: *Distant* THAT F****ING COST $500!
Raziel: O.o
(He drops the bat and runs towards where the block is; it is starting to close.)
Raziel: Oh no you don't!
(He jams a conveniently placed crowbar into the space between the block and then wedges it open, he finally enters.)
Raziel: Finally.
(He then pulls the block out of the way so he can actually go back when he wants. He decides to take the bat with him.)
Raziel ^o^ *Devilish grin*
(He explores around and eventually finds a room with weird crystals on the floor.)
Elder God: Just to give a hint, you'll have to complete more block puzzles to destroy the crystals.
Raziel: Screw that!
(He smashes the crystals with his new bat.)
Raziel: I love then thing! I'm calling you 'Battey'.
Elder God: -__- Rigghhtt.
(Raziel ignores the comment and then enters the next level via the new airconditioner, he then explores some more and finally finds a large room with an organ like instrument in the back.)
Raziel: What the hell?
(He inspects it and then notices a plug cord leading from the back of it into a small room on a ledge in front of the large instrument.)
Raziel: Hmm.
(He goes to check it out and finds the cord has been unplugged.)
Raziel: Might as well see what happens.
Bad idea.
(As soon as he plugs it in, and a terrible song play, instead of the whistle noise, in the chamber with the organ, which turns out to be a giant speaker.)
Leonard Nimoy: *singing* If I had a hammer.
Raziel: O MAKE IT STOP!!!
(He runs into the room and finds several dead Zephonim vampires dead, killed themselves to so they didn't suffer that cursed singing.)
Raziel: Poor things.
(He then rushes at the speaker and begins to smash it up.)
Raziel: Take that! And that! Your album sucked and still does!
(He smashes the thing into nothing but pieces of plastic and heaps of wiring.)
Raziel: Now I see why it was unplugged.
(He then continues until he finally reaches the doorway to Zephon's chamber.)
Raziel: Time to see what he has become.
(He enters and finds that Zephon has become a large spider, duh, he is seen with headphones on, listening to a N'sync album.)
Zephon: *Unaware of Raziel* I love this song!
Raziel: *Cuts the cord on headphones*
Zephon: Hey! Oh uh, The prodigal son. There is no returning for you, Raziel.
(He pulls a lever and door slams shut to point.)
Raziel: Zephon, your frightening personality becomes you. It's an appropriate reflection of your bad taste in music.
Zephon: And you are not his handsome Raziel anymore. His precious first-born son, turn betrayer and drunkard. You have missed many changes, the burning of our beloved bars, the erecting of the first all vampire brothels; they burned too and then the ultimate annihilation of jazz music. Look around you. See how the humans' weapon of destruction and only porno store has become my home. Indeed I may be a hideous spider thingy. All I do now is watch a pupating world and reruns of 'Friends'.
Raziel: A corner for you to cower in, wimp, only appearing from the shadows to buy groceries, and people already ensnared in your web. But you made the mistake to leave me unbound, and it is you who will be the bitch.
Zephon: Bitches. instinct. reflex action. the insect mind is too small and stupid to know that. I warn you, I Kung fu. Also as my size has grown, it is matched by my hunger. Step forward, hamburger.
Raziel: What?
Zephon: *Stupidly* Huh?
(Zephon knocks the bat from Raziel's hand; it lands on the flame-thrower and is set ablaze.)
Raziel: BATTEY! NO!
(He mourns the fallen bat for many moments.)
Zephon: You named a stupid bat?!?
Raziel: He wasn't stupid! ASS!
(He picks up the flame-thrower.)
Zephon: O.O Oh crap.
Raziel: FRY BITCH FRY!
(He pulls trigger and sets Zephon on fire.)
Zephon: AGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Raziel: BURN BABY BURN!
(Zephon disintegrates into ashes, his soul rising up. Raziel devours it.)
Raziel: Hmm taste like pork.
Elder God: Devouring Zephon's soul has now given you the ability to scale walls.
Raziel: EXCELENT!
(He runs up a wall and tries to stick, but keeps sliding off.)
Elder God: Moron, you can only climb walls with those weird little bumps in them.
Raziel: What a rip-off, who were the designers?
Elder God: I don't know.
(Raziel sighs and decides to take the warp gate to the abyss from there he returns to the sanctuary to see Ariel, he steps on her platform and she appears, he bows.)
Raziel: *Chanting* Oh great half-faced bitch tell me where to go next.
(She scowls at him for calling her a bitch then says.)
Ariel: Like a corpse in a shallow grave, corruption rises to the surface. Beyond these pillars, defiled victim mutely screams its outrage.
Raziel: What?
Ariel: *Slaps forehead* See that odd wall over there?
Raziel: Yes.
Ariel: Climb up it and go through the door to the crypt that lies beyond.
Raziel: Oh
(He does so, as he exits through the door Ariel says.)
Ariel: Literary impaired Git!
************************************************************** *************************
Me: Well how'd you like it?
Raziel: I hate block puzzles.
Me: We know, we know.
Please review and I will give you all ten truckloads of weapons, candy, cool stuff and giant robots of ultimate destruction. Plus I'll even give you all another beat on Moebius.
Moebius: *Still in pain from Angel Chan's beating she gave him* Pleas n..n..no.
TS Moe.
Bye!
Note: I don't own LOK or Blackisle or Planescape novels.
Me: I'm glad to see you guys loved pt.6.
Raziel: You sure about my keys?
Me: YES.
(Raziel walks off and bugs random people about his damn keys.)
Zephon: Finally my time to appear.
Me: Yes Zephon, we know.
Zephon: *Idiotically* ^__^
Me: *Underbreath* Moron.
Kain: Am I needed in this one?
Me: No, you can go.
Kain: Ok.
(He returns to playing DMC.)
Me: Well here it is, may I present - Pt. 7! *Blows a kazoo*
************************************************************** *************************
(We see Raziel heading towards the large gate that greeted him when he first exited the underworld.)
Raziel: So apparently I can phase through this gate, right?
Elder God: Yes.
Raziel: Well why is it that in the sequel I can open a door that is just as big?
Elder God: *Shrugs*
(Raziel sighs, goes spectral and phases through the gate, he then uses the material portal, and he then walks up towards the large cathedral.)
Raziel V.O: Once a testament to mankind's defiance of Kain's empire, they used to shoot spitballs and spit at us, bastards, this ridiculously large cathedral now stood derelict, the humans who worshiped here, centuries dead, or they could be vampires now. Its architects were really stoned when they made it, I mean they made the entrance with some weird lock only my soul reaver can open. Made of brass and stone, the cathedral speakers, once tuned to play Leonard Nimoy's record over and over, why would they do such a thing?, it now stood silent, and these vacant rooms were old and crummy.
(He enters and encounters a Zephonim vampire.)
Raziel: Eww! I hate spiders!
(He kills it and stomps the crap out of its body. He proceeds into the center of the cathedral, the buildings are large tower like huts, and Zephon's clan symbols are every where, his symbol and many posters of N'sync.)
Raziel: Zephon, the loony of the bunch.
(Suddenly a whooshing electrical sound and a bright light appeared behind one of the huts, and a man with green skin, a floating skull, a woman with pale skin and a tail and a tall man walk around the hut into view.)
Raziel: O.o
Nameless one: *Gruff voice* Where are we?
Mort: *Wise guy voice* I'm not sure, it doesn't look like Sigil anymore.
Annah: *Scottish like voice* Well let's get the hell outta' here.
Dakkon: *Enlightened like* Who's there?
(They spot Raziel.)
Raziel: Who are you people?
(The Nameless one lunges at Raziel, who cuts his right arm off.)
N.O: Gah!
(He picks up his arm and places it on the stump, it suddenly reattaches as if it never had been cut off.)
Raziel: O.O
(They gang up and kill him, sending him to Spectral, he soon returns to material.)
N.O, Mort, Annah, and Dakkon together: O.O But we killed you!
Raziel: Wait! Hey you know, we seem to have a lot in common.
N.O: It seems so.
(They converse for a while and then the group bids Raziel goodbye.)
Raziel: See you around sometime!
Group: Farewell!
(They vanish into another portal.)
Raziel: What nice people.
(He then climbs up the ledges to get into the inside of the cathedral. After about an hour of activating small air currents he finally has activated the large in ground airconditioner.)
Raziel: Finally, it was pretty stuff for a whi -
(He is cut off as he falls over edge and begins to fall towards the ground.)
Raziel: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh *Deep breath* AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(He grabs his wings and actually is lifted by the currents into the upper chamber.)
Raziel: Phew.
(The new room seems to have a long hallway that leads to a large block like object that seems to be in the way. He goes through the door that is placed in a large pane of glass, he explores the corridor, completing the most annoying block puzzles at current time.)
Raziel: o__- *Eye twitching* This is really getting on my nerves!
(He then is able to throw the switch that opens the large block and runs back to it; it keeps closing several moments before he can get in behind it.)
Raziel: X
(He decides to calm down by playing with a baseball and bat that were lying near the wheel that opens the block.)
Raziel: ^__^ COOL!
(He throws the ball up and then swings the bat, the ball is sent flying into the large glass window that was at the opposite end of the one with the door, it shatters into a thousand pieces.)
Raziel: OPPS!
Zephon: *Distant* THAT F****ING COST $500!
Raziel: O.o
(He drops the bat and runs towards where the block is; it is starting to close.)
Raziel: Oh no you don't!
(He jams a conveniently placed crowbar into the space between the block and then wedges it open, he finally enters.)
Raziel: Finally.
(He then pulls the block out of the way so he can actually go back when he wants. He decides to take the bat with him.)
Raziel ^o^ *Devilish grin*
(He explores around and eventually finds a room with weird crystals on the floor.)
Elder God: Just to give a hint, you'll have to complete more block puzzles to destroy the crystals.
Raziel: Screw that!
(He smashes the crystals with his new bat.)
Raziel: I love then thing! I'm calling you 'Battey'.
Elder God: -__- Rigghhtt.
(Raziel ignores the comment and then enters the next level via the new airconditioner, he then explores some more and finally finds a large room with an organ like instrument in the back.)
Raziel: What the hell?
(He inspects it and then notices a plug cord leading from the back of it into a small room on a ledge in front of the large instrument.)
Raziel: Hmm.
(He goes to check it out and finds the cord has been unplugged.)
Raziel: Might as well see what happens.
Bad idea.
(As soon as he plugs it in, and a terrible song play, instead of the whistle noise, in the chamber with the organ, which turns out to be a giant speaker.)
Leonard Nimoy: *singing* If I had a hammer.
Raziel: O MAKE IT STOP!!!
(He runs into the room and finds several dead Zephonim vampires dead, killed themselves to so they didn't suffer that cursed singing.)
Raziel: Poor things.
(He then rushes at the speaker and begins to smash it up.)
Raziel: Take that! And that! Your album sucked and still does!
(He smashes the thing into nothing but pieces of plastic and heaps of wiring.)
Raziel: Now I see why it was unplugged.
(He then continues until he finally reaches the doorway to Zephon's chamber.)
Raziel: Time to see what he has become.
(He enters and finds that Zephon has become a large spider, duh, he is seen with headphones on, listening to a N'sync album.)
Zephon: *Unaware of Raziel* I love this song!
Raziel: *Cuts the cord on headphones*
Zephon: Hey! Oh uh, The prodigal son. There is no returning for you, Raziel.
(He pulls a lever and door slams shut to point.)
Raziel: Zephon, your frightening personality becomes you. It's an appropriate reflection of your bad taste in music.
Zephon: And you are not his handsome Raziel anymore. His precious first-born son, turn betrayer and drunkard. You have missed many changes, the burning of our beloved bars, the erecting of the first all vampire brothels; they burned too and then the ultimate annihilation of jazz music. Look around you. See how the humans' weapon of destruction and only porno store has become my home. Indeed I may be a hideous spider thingy. All I do now is watch a pupating world and reruns of 'Friends'.
Raziel: A corner for you to cower in, wimp, only appearing from the shadows to buy groceries, and people already ensnared in your web. But you made the mistake to leave me unbound, and it is you who will be the bitch.
Zephon: Bitches. instinct. reflex action. the insect mind is too small and stupid to know that. I warn you, I Kung fu. Also as my size has grown, it is matched by my hunger. Step forward, hamburger.
Raziel: What?
Zephon: *Stupidly* Huh?
(Zephon knocks the bat from Raziel's hand; it lands on the flame-thrower and is set ablaze.)
Raziel: BATTEY! NO!
(He mourns the fallen bat for many moments.)
Zephon: You named a stupid bat?!?
Raziel: He wasn't stupid! ASS!
(He picks up the flame-thrower.)
Zephon: O.O Oh crap.
Raziel: FRY BITCH FRY!
(He pulls trigger and sets Zephon on fire.)
Zephon: AGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Raziel: BURN BABY BURN!
(Zephon disintegrates into ashes, his soul rising up. Raziel devours it.)
Raziel: Hmm taste like pork.
Elder God: Devouring Zephon's soul has now given you the ability to scale walls.
Raziel: EXCELENT!
(He runs up a wall and tries to stick, but keeps sliding off.)
Elder God: Moron, you can only climb walls with those weird little bumps in them.
Raziel: What a rip-off, who were the designers?
Elder God: I don't know.
(Raziel sighs and decides to take the warp gate to the abyss from there he returns to the sanctuary to see Ariel, he steps on her platform and she appears, he bows.)
Raziel: *Chanting* Oh great half-faced bitch tell me where to go next.
(She scowls at him for calling her a bitch then says.)
Ariel: Like a corpse in a shallow grave, corruption rises to the surface. Beyond these pillars, defiled victim mutely screams its outrage.
Raziel: What?
Ariel: *Slaps forehead* See that odd wall over there?
Raziel: Yes.
Ariel: Climb up it and go through the door to the crypt that lies beyond.
Raziel: Oh
(He does so, as he exits through the door Ariel says.)
Ariel: Literary impaired Git!
************************************************************** *************************
Me: Well how'd you like it?
Raziel: I hate block puzzles.
Me: We know, we know.
Please review and I will give you all ten truckloads of weapons, candy, cool stuff and giant robots of ultimate destruction. Plus I'll even give you all another beat on Moebius.
Moebius: *Still in pain from Angel Chan's beating she gave him* Pleas n..n..no.
TS Moe.
Bye!