Soul Reaver - chapter 8: The crypt keeper house?!? Cool!
Notice: I do not own the show 'Tales from the crypt', 'The surf shack' store or Dr. Seuss
Me: Well it's good to see you guys love this stuff.
Raziel: Where am I supposed to go now? *Kain bashes his Head in with metal bat*
Me: Thanks Kain.
Kain: ^_^ No prob'.
(He vanishes.)
Me: In today's episode: Grace finds that Will is cheat- opps sorry wrong show, today Raziel will discover a shocking fact about his past.
Raziel: I was a celebrity!?
Me: -__- No.
Raziel: Aww.
Me: Also we may reveal some light on the mysterious fruit appearances.
Raziel: WHO IS IT!
Me: ^__^ I'm not tellin' you.
(Raziel storms out, muttering about how he's gonna kill the fruit placer, whom ever it may be.)
Me: Well here it is, part 8. BOYEAH!
************************************************************** *************************
(We come in as Raziel makes his way through the small canyon like area that was behind the door in Kain's throne room.)
Raziel: COOL! I didn't know we had a backyard!
Elder God: I don't that's what it is, Raziel.
Raziel: Oh well, might as well check it out.
(He navigates through the area until he reaches the tomb of the Sarafan.)
Raziel: The ancient tomb of the Sarafan, strange, it almost resembles the keep in the sequel, once impenetrably sealed. Now, ravaged by Nosgoth's hangover upheavals, its mysteries lay exposed.
In the time of Vorador, and before hippies, centuries before Kain was made, the Sarafan warrior priest, and nuns, waged a merciless war against the vampire tribes of Nosgoth, some dispute over which was better, bread buttered right side up, or upside down. Emboldened by righteousness, and one mean-ass attitude, they committed unspeakable and indiscriminate acts of violence, and terrible river dancing - massacring fledglings and ancients alike, they decimated entire bloodlines *bastards* in mere decades. Now their husks and prized grandfather clock lay here - a$$holes enshrined.
(He goes spectral and phases through the gate, then he returns to material.)
Elder God: Take heed, Raziel. A forgotten history lies within. Know thyself and thine hairstylist - it may destroy you.
(Raziel continues until.)
Crypt Keeper: Hello
Raziel: AHH!
CK: Have you come to hear a tale?
Raziel: Ah, no, not really.
CK: Then why have you come here?
Raziel: Because a giant squid and a half face ghost told me to.
CK: Oh.
Raziel: What are you doing here?
CK: I spin the stories of 'Tales from the Crypt'.
Raziel: I think you may be in the wrong place.
CK: Oh dammit, I knew I shouldn't have trusted the mummy to bringing me back home.
(He vanishes.)
CK: *While fading* HEHEHE! *Echoes*
Raziel: Okay.
(He continues into the crypt until he comes across a block blocking the way, no pun.)
Raziel: *Eye twitching at the sight of the block* Grr.
(He begins to move it out of the way.)
Raziel V.O: As I pulled the stone free, a sigh of sepulchral air, and centuries old sweat sock escaped the inner chamber. I was not prepared for what lay beyond this threshold.
(He enters and finds beer cans and magazines all over the place, plus the open crypts bearing his and his brethren's' names.)
Raziel: These crypts. defiled caskets of Sarafan saints. bearing my brothers' names. And my own. The irony of Kain's blasphemous act, and bad cover up, rushed in as on me with the crushing force of a baseball bat against the skull.
Were my hands not as bloody and stank of liquor as these? Worse, I had spilled the blood of my homies - these very comrades whose tombs lay ravaged before me.
Elder God: SEE! I told you to be prepared for what was inside. Yes, Raziel - you were Sarafan, and chairman of the Nosgoth gun club. born of the same force that all but kicked the crap out of your race. Before the dawn of the Internet and the empire, you were chosen.
Kain -- Nosgoth's solitary and poker champ, self-declared monarch -- plundered and pissed on this tomb and raised you from these crypts. Breathing his vampire gift into your defiled corpses, he resurrected you as his favored sons.
Raziel: Eww! He breathed it into our mouths?
Elder God: That's how it seems.
Raziel: *Faints for a minute*
(He eventually recovers and looks around.)
Raziel: Well, where do I go next?
Elder God: I don't know.
Raziel: But you're an all-powerful god, you're supposed to know every thing!
Elder God: Don't tell me my job and I won't tell you yours!
Raziel: But you do, you tell me where to go.
(He gets bored and decides to go spectral, but he didn't know that the floor becomes a hole when he does that.)
Raziel: *Falls* AGHHH!!!
(He hits the ground below.)
Elder God: *Laughing hysterically at this* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Raziel: Hey! Shut-up!
(He brushes him self off, then phases through the gate and then uses the material plane portal in the small alcove to the left of the center platform, behind him on the platform is a vampire holding a box of banana peels.)
Tomb Guardian: Geh! *Hides behind a column*
Raziel: Huh?
(He jumps to platform on, the Guardian reveals him self.)
TG: *Holding up a stop sign* Heretic! You shall not pass.
Raziel: Such loyal, and bad spelling on the sign. to one who has you guarding this outpost like a chained dog. Do you prosper on the leftovers he throws out?
TG: No, I have to get take out every day. Your insults will do nothing to blunt agonies of your demise.
Raziel: Kain killed me once -- behold the result. I have no more to fear from you, hey what's that?
(He sees the box of peels.)
Raziel: *Bursting into fit of anger* YOU'RE THE ONE WHOSE BEEN LEAVING THOSE THINGS AROUND!
TG: No I'm not! I swear!
Raziel: That's what they all say.
(He charges and knocks the Guardian into the water.)
TG: AHHHH!!! IT BURNS MOMMY AHHH!!!
(He dies and then Raziel eats his soul.)
Raziel: Hmm. cherry flavored.
Elder God: He was telling the truth, he was only the base player, the real peel menace is still afoot.
Raziel: DAMN!
Elder God: Anyway, this relic allows you to make bubbles that can knock things around.
Raziel: NEATO!
(He tries to blow a bubble in his mouth like the Guardian could.)
Elder God: *Underbreath Why did I get him from the 'Raise a dead guy to be your agent' ad column?
You can make a projectile come out of your hand!
Raziel: Oh.
(He uses it several times, trying to act like a guy from DBZ as he does one.)
Raziel: *laughing idiotically*
Elder God: Are quit done yet?
Raziel: No! *Continues for a few minutes* Okay I'm bored.
Elder God: *Falls over anime style*
(Raziel uses the new ability to knock the small panel out of the wall and then navigates his way out. He then returns to the sanctuary to see Ariel, he catches her with rollers on her hair.)
Raziel: Whoops!
Ariel: What do you want?
Raziel: Where do I go next?
Ariel: Can't you just find your own way around?
Raziel: *Moronically* No.
(Ariel sighs.)
Ariel: North of the Sarafan tomb, a desecrated abbey languishes, half-drowned.
Raziel: o_o?
Ariel: Go back to the crypt, look for a room with a block inside a cage and phase into it!
Raziel: Why didn't you say so?
(Ariel drops 16-ton weight on his head.)
Raziel: Owie.
(He recovers and then returns to the crypt, then he makes his way to the room with the cage, from there he enters into the cavern with the sunken ship and then gets to the door with the room with the one door to the warp gate and the other to the abbey.)
Raziel: Whoa.
Elder God: Once and a sanctuary against the vampire menace, and Nosgoth's only fitness center, this abbey was shut down when they hired Richard Simmons, drowned by the deluge spilling from this wounded land. Your brother Rahab and his brood, devastated by its closure and even the feeble rays of Nosgoth's sun, overcame their vulnerability to water and retreated from the surface like little pansies. Now they haunt these ruins, and glide in the darkness of its stagnant depths, with flippers and goggles.
Raziel: You sure this is Rahab's place?
(He suddenly sees Rahab's symbols and posters of 'Dreamstreet'.)
Elder God: Does that answer your question?
Raziel: Rahab, we really worried about him. Well it's looks like I'll be a wile, *Turns to us* you better go read a book or something.
An hour or so later, after navigating through the abbey and making nearly impossible jumps to platforms in the middle of water, Raziel finally makes it to Rahab's chapter house.
(He rings the bell.)
Raziel: Hello? Is anybody there?
(He shrugs and enters, he then has to enter Spectral to enter the main room, from there he has to jump to on the pillars which in spectral are arranged like steps, upon reaching the top he goes material, on the edge of one pillar is a toaster.)
Raziel: Hello?
(Suddenly Rahab surfaces; he has his hair grown down to the middle of his back and is wearing suntan lotion.)
Rahab: *With a surfer dude voice* Whoa, like what's up Raziel, wanna catch some waves or get some toastage?
Raziel: Rahab, I see you have adapted well to your environment, for one who dresses like a hippie.
Rahab: Dude, do not mock the Hab-man, Razi-dude. You, of all us, should respect a tubular power bestowed by a limitation overcome. Kain said you'd like come.
Raziel: You speak with the murderer?
Rahab: You should, like, hold your blasphemous tongue.
Raziel: What more did he tell you? *Mocking* dude.
Rahab: That you'd, like kill me or somethin'.
Raziel: I will indeed, But tell me, before I kick your ass, do you know where my car keys are/
Rahab: *Falls over anime style in water, then gets up* NO!
Raziel: Well, do you at least know what we were before Kain spawned us?
Rahab: Like, Humans, duh.
Raziel: Sarafan, and some pretty bad ass ones too, the antithesis we believed in.
Rahab: Does it matter? -
Raziel: YES!
Rahab: - We were lost. He liked, saved us and all.
Raziel: Saved us? From what?
Rahab: From ourselves. Now It's like, time to bake dude!
Raziel: What?
Rahab: Die.
Raziel: Moron.
(He ducks Rahab's attacks and then tries to think of a way to beat him.)
Raziel: I know.
(He smashes the windows, but due to the fact that Rahab has the tan on, it keeps him from being burnt.)
Raziel: Damn, *Remembers the toaster* Ahah!
(He kicks the toaster in the water, Rahab is electrocuted.)
Rahab: I am, like, toast dude.
(He dies and Raziel eats his soul.)
Raziel: Hmm. Taste like fishsticks.
Elder God: You can now swim in water.
Raziel: Awesome!
(He jumps in, but since he just ate, he gets a cramp and drowns.)
Elder God: You should have waited.
(Raziel returns to the material realm and then heads back to the sanctuary.)
Ariel: Let me guess. You need to know where to next?
Raziel: Yep.
Ariel: Beyond the cliffs that witnessed your execution, a silent city sits in frozen tableau. Locked in eternal limbo, they await redemption, or release.
Raziel: Could you repeat that?
Ariel: Go to the second platform near the abyss and go to the cave near it and then find Dumah's place.
(She then drops a ship, 50-ton weight, a minivan and various other things on Raziel.)
Raziel: Ouchies!
************************************************************** *************************
Me: Well I hoped you liked it.
Raziel: Banana phantom, I will find you!
Me: Shut up.
Please review and I will give you all 50 truck loads of weapons, cool stuff, candy giant robots of doom, voodoo Moebius dolls and allow you all to kick the crap out of him at the same time with any weapon of choice!
Bye!
Notice: I do not own the show 'Tales from the crypt', 'The surf shack' store or Dr. Seuss
Me: Well it's good to see you guys love this stuff.
Raziel: Where am I supposed to go now? *Kain bashes his Head in with metal bat*
Me: Thanks Kain.
Kain: ^_^ No prob'.
(He vanishes.)
Me: In today's episode: Grace finds that Will is cheat- opps sorry wrong show, today Raziel will discover a shocking fact about his past.
Raziel: I was a celebrity!?
Me: -__- No.
Raziel: Aww.
Me: Also we may reveal some light on the mysterious fruit appearances.
Raziel: WHO IS IT!
Me: ^__^ I'm not tellin' you.
(Raziel storms out, muttering about how he's gonna kill the fruit placer, whom ever it may be.)
Me: Well here it is, part 8. BOYEAH!
************************************************************** *************************
(We come in as Raziel makes his way through the small canyon like area that was behind the door in Kain's throne room.)
Raziel: COOL! I didn't know we had a backyard!
Elder God: I don't that's what it is, Raziel.
Raziel: Oh well, might as well check it out.
(He navigates through the area until he reaches the tomb of the Sarafan.)
Raziel: The ancient tomb of the Sarafan, strange, it almost resembles the keep in the sequel, once impenetrably sealed. Now, ravaged by Nosgoth's hangover upheavals, its mysteries lay exposed.
In the time of Vorador, and before hippies, centuries before Kain was made, the Sarafan warrior priest, and nuns, waged a merciless war against the vampire tribes of Nosgoth, some dispute over which was better, bread buttered right side up, or upside down. Emboldened by righteousness, and one mean-ass attitude, they committed unspeakable and indiscriminate acts of violence, and terrible river dancing - massacring fledglings and ancients alike, they decimated entire bloodlines *bastards* in mere decades. Now their husks and prized grandfather clock lay here - a$$holes enshrined.
(He goes spectral and phases through the gate, then he returns to material.)
Elder God: Take heed, Raziel. A forgotten history lies within. Know thyself and thine hairstylist - it may destroy you.
(Raziel continues until.)
Crypt Keeper: Hello
Raziel: AHH!
CK: Have you come to hear a tale?
Raziel: Ah, no, not really.
CK: Then why have you come here?
Raziel: Because a giant squid and a half face ghost told me to.
CK: Oh.
Raziel: What are you doing here?
CK: I spin the stories of 'Tales from the Crypt'.
Raziel: I think you may be in the wrong place.
CK: Oh dammit, I knew I shouldn't have trusted the mummy to bringing me back home.
(He vanishes.)
CK: *While fading* HEHEHE! *Echoes*
Raziel: Okay.
(He continues into the crypt until he comes across a block blocking the way, no pun.)
Raziel: *Eye twitching at the sight of the block* Grr.
(He begins to move it out of the way.)
Raziel V.O: As I pulled the stone free, a sigh of sepulchral air, and centuries old sweat sock escaped the inner chamber. I was not prepared for what lay beyond this threshold.
(He enters and finds beer cans and magazines all over the place, plus the open crypts bearing his and his brethren's' names.)
Raziel: These crypts. defiled caskets of Sarafan saints. bearing my brothers' names. And my own. The irony of Kain's blasphemous act, and bad cover up, rushed in as on me with the crushing force of a baseball bat against the skull.
Were my hands not as bloody and stank of liquor as these? Worse, I had spilled the blood of my homies - these very comrades whose tombs lay ravaged before me.
Elder God: SEE! I told you to be prepared for what was inside. Yes, Raziel - you were Sarafan, and chairman of the Nosgoth gun club. born of the same force that all but kicked the crap out of your race. Before the dawn of the Internet and the empire, you were chosen.
Kain -- Nosgoth's solitary and poker champ, self-declared monarch -- plundered and pissed on this tomb and raised you from these crypts. Breathing his vampire gift into your defiled corpses, he resurrected you as his favored sons.
Raziel: Eww! He breathed it into our mouths?
Elder God: That's how it seems.
Raziel: *Faints for a minute*
(He eventually recovers and looks around.)
Raziel: Well, where do I go next?
Elder God: I don't know.
Raziel: But you're an all-powerful god, you're supposed to know every thing!
Elder God: Don't tell me my job and I won't tell you yours!
Raziel: But you do, you tell me where to go.
(He gets bored and decides to go spectral, but he didn't know that the floor becomes a hole when he does that.)
Raziel: *Falls* AGHHH!!!
(He hits the ground below.)
Elder God: *Laughing hysterically at this* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Raziel: Hey! Shut-up!
(He brushes him self off, then phases through the gate and then uses the material plane portal in the small alcove to the left of the center platform, behind him on the platform is a vampire holding a box of banana peels.)
Tomb Guardian: Geh! *Hides behind a column*
Raziel: Huh?
(He jumps to platform on, the Guardian reveals him self.)
TG: *Holding up a stop sign* Heretic! You shall not pass.
Raziel: Such loyal, and bad spelling on the sign. to one who has you guarding this outpost like a chained dog. Do you prosper on the leftovers he throws out?
TG: No, I have to get take out every day. Your insults will do nothing to blunt agonies of your demise.
Raziel: Kain killed me once -- behold the result. I have no more to fear from you, hey what's that?
(He sees the box of peels.)
Raziel: *Bursting into fit of anger* YOU'RE THE ONE WHOSE BEEN LEAVING THOSE THINGS AROUND!
TG: No I'm not! I swear!
Raziel: That's what they all say.
(He charges and knocks the Guardian into the water.)
TG: AHHHH!!! IT BURNS MOMMY AHHH!!!
(He dies and then Raziel eats his soul.)
Raziel: Hmm. cherry flavored.
Elder God: He was telling the truth, he was only the base player, the real peel menace is still afoot.
Raziel: DAMN!
Elder God: Anyway, this relic allows you to make bubbles that can knock things around.
Raziel: NEATO!
(He tries to blow a bubble in his mouth like the Guardian could.)
Elder God: *Underbreath Why did I get him from the 'Raise a dead guy to be your agent' ad column?
You can make a projectile come out of your hand!
Raziel: Oh.
(He uses it several times, trying to act like a guy from DBZ as he does one.)
Raziel: *laughing idiotically*
Elder God: Are quit done yet?
Raziel: No! *Continues for a few minutes* Okay I'm bored.
Elder God: *Falls over anime style*
(Raziel uses the new ability to knock the small panel out of the wall and then navigates his way out. He then returns to the sanctuary to see Ariel, he catches her with rollers on her hair.)
Raziel: Whoops!
Ariel: What do you want?
Raziel: Where do I go next?
Ariel: Can't you just find your own way around?
Raziel: *Moronically* No.
(Ariel sighs.)
Ariel: North of the Sarafan tomb, a desecrated abbey languishes, half-drowned.
Raziel: o_o?
Ariel: Go back to the crypt, look for a room with a block inside a cage and phase into it!
Raziel: Why didn't you say so?
(Ariel drops 16-ton weight on his head.)
Raziel: Owie.
(He recovers and then returns to the crypt, then he makes his way to the room with the cage, from there he enters into the cavern with the sunken ship and then gets to the door with the room with the one door to the warp gate and the other to the abbey.)
Raziel: Whoa.
Elder God: Once and a sanctuary against the vampire menace, and Nosgoth's only fitness center, this abbey was shut down when they hired Richard Simmons, drowned by the deluge spilling from this wounded land. Your brother Rahab and his brood, devastated by its closure and even the feeble rays of Nosgoth's sun, overcame their vulnerability to water and retreated from the surface like little pansies. Now they haunt these ruins, and glide in the darkness of its stagnant depths, with flippers and goggles.
Raziel: You sure this is Rahab's place?
(He suddenly sees Rahab's symbols and posters of 'Dreamstreet'.)
Elder God: Does that answer your question?
Raziel: Rahab, we really worried about him. Well it's looks like I'll be a wile, *Turns to us* you better go read a book or something.
An hour or so later, after navigating through the abbey and making nearly impossible jumps to platforms in the middle of water, Raziel finally makes it to Rahab's chapter house.
(He rings the bell.)
Raziel: Hello? Is anybody there?
(He shrugs and enters, he then has to enter Spectral to enter the main room, from there he has to jump to on the pillars which in spectral are arranged like steps, upon reaching the top he goes material, on the edge of one pillar is a toaster.)
Raziel: Hello?
(Suddenly Rahab surfaces; he has his hair grown down to the middle of his back and is wearing suntan lotion.)
Rahab: *With a surfer dude voice* Whoa, like what's up Raziel, wanna catch some waves or get some toastage?
Raziel: Rahab, I see you have adapted well to your environment, for one who dresses like a hippie.
Rahab: Dude, do not mock the Hab-man, Razi-dude. You, of all us, should respect a tubular power bestowed by a limitation overcome. Kain said you'd like come.
Raziel: You speak with the murderer?
Rahab: You should, like, hold your blasphemous tongue.
Raziel: What more did he tell you? *Mocking* dude.
Rahab: That you'd, like kill me or somethin'.
Raziel: I will indeed, But tell me, before I kick your ass, do you know where my car keys are/
Rahab: *Falls over anime style in water, then gets up* NO!
Raziel: Well, do you at least know what we were before Kain spawned us?
Rahab: Like, Humans, duh.
Raziel: Sarafan, and some pretty bad ass ones too, the antithesis we believed in.
Rahab: Does it matter? -
Raziel: YES!
Rahab: - We were lost. He liked, saved us and all.
Raziel: Saved us? From what?
Rahab: From ourselves. Now It's like, time to bake dude!
Raziel: What?
Rahab: Die.
Raziel: Moron.
(He ducks Rahab's attacks and then tries to think of a way to beat him.)
Raziel: I know.
(He smashes the windows, but due to the fact that Rahab has the tan on, it keeps him from being burnt.)
Raziel: Damn, *Remembers the toaster* Ahah!
(He kicks the toaster in the water, Rahab is electrocuted.)
Rahab: I am, like, toast dude.
(He dies and Raziel eats his soul.)
Raziel: Hmm. Taste like fishsticks.
Elder God: You can now swim in water.
Raziel: Awesome!
(He jumps in, but since he just ate, he gets a cramp and drowns.)
Elder God: You should have waited.
(Raziel returns to the material realm and then heads back to the sanctuary.)
Ariel: Let me guess. You need to know where to next?
Raziel: Yep.
Ariel: Beyond the cliffs that witnessed your execution, a silent city sits in frozen tableau. Locked in eternal limbo, they await redemption, or release.
Raziel: Could you repeat that?
Ariel: Go to the second platform near the abyss and go to the cave near it and then find Dumah's place.
(She then drops a ship, 50-ton weight, a minivan and various other things on Raziel.)
Raziel: Ouchies!
************************************************************** *************************
Me: Well I hoped you liked it.
Raziel: Banana phantom, I will find you!
Me: Shut up.
Please review and I will give you all 50 truck loads of weapons, cool stuff, candy giant robots of doom, voodoo Moebius dolls and allow you all to kick the crap out of him at the same time with any weapon of choice!
Bye!