Soul Reaver - Chapter 9: Dumah, the almighty jackass.
Notice: Don't own Harry Potter, Britney Spears or the various objects.
Me: Well, here we are, nine chapters, I thought I'd be done sooner.
Moebius: Please no more beatings! I beg- *Is tackled by everyone who has reviewed my fanfic.*
Me: ~_o Ow. Oh.
OoO Angel-Chan did not just use that.
O_o Whoa. I didn't know Venris could jump that high!
o_o Who knew Concept had a spiked mace. O_O OH MY GOD! Poor Moe is gonna need a lot of duct tape and glue down there.
Moebius: *After severe beating and everyone left* Help. me.
Me: Hold on a sec, *Turns to look at you* Well here's pt. 9!
(I Pull out a sword handle, suddenly a huge ass blade materializes on it.)
Me: *In a sing-song like voice* Oh Moeby.
Moebius: OoO N.N.NOOOOOOO!!! *Echoes into distance*
************************************************************** *************************
(We arrive as Raziel is heading towards the abyss; he is rubbing his head after all that junk Ariel dropped on him.)
Distant cry (Moebius): NNNOOOOOO!!!
Raziel: *Jumps in alarm* What was that!?!
Me: *With Disembodied voice* Nothing, just keep going.
Raziel: Oh, okay.
(He continues until he reaches the first platform of the abyss, he pauses when he sees several people fighting the second one, he sees a two young boys, both wearing black cloak-like robes, one has black hair and glasses, while the other has blonde hair and a sneery face.)
Raziel: O_o
Harry: Take this Malfoy!
(He shots a ball of energy at the other boy; it explodes on contact and sends the boy flying.)
Other kids: Yay Harry!
(The boy Malfoy staggers up and then collapses, all of a sudden everyone vanishes, leaving only the fading cheers.)
Raziel: O_o strange.
(He continues into the cave that lies directly across from the platform, he then climbs the pillar like bridge and glides to Dumah's citadel and stops, gasping at the sight within, it is a ghost town like his clan and there are corpses every where.)
Raziel: This city once teemed with the life of my kind, and secretly some leftover lawyers. Could it be that other clans had suffered the same fate or possible vacation as mine? In his mad drunkenness, could Kain spare none of his brood?
Elder God: It was not Kain but Dumah's - *Another long speech*
(You know what happens.)
Elder God: - with little resista - DAMN IT RAZIEL!
Raziel: *Bubble pops* Huh?!?
Elder God: I'VE IT WITH YOU FALLING ASLEEP AT MY SPEECHES!
Raziel: Well, maybe I'd listen if you were not so boring.
Elder God: THAT'S IT!
(Suddenly the moon, a huge ship, a minivan, a monster truck, an elephant, a whale and many other things hover above his head.)
Raziel: O_O mommy.
(The stuff falls on him.)
Elder God: That'll teach you.
Raziel: Ow.
(After two weeks of recovery, Raziel finally enters Dumah's lair; he comes across several poster of.)
Raziel: *Gasps of horror and revulsion* Britney Spears!
(Yes, upon hundreds of posters are hanging about the entire city.)
Raziel: Dumah, I'm not even gonna go there.
(He continues on and eventually makes it to the entrance to Dumah's throne room.)
Raziel: Now to kill that gay, pansy-ass, Britney Spear's lovin' fagget.
Dumahim Vampire #1: Hey that's our daddy you're talking about.
D. Vamp #2: Yeah! Ya a-hole!
A-Hole: Yes?
D.V's and Raziel: NOT YOU!
A-Hole: Oh okay. *Vanishes*
Raziel: Git.
(He fights the two vampires and wins then he realizes he needed to knock the large pillar over.)
Raziel: Oh Dammit!
(He kicks the cage, which causes two reactions: 1st- the front part of the cage tips forward and hits the pillar. 2nd- the pillar tips over and well you can guess what happens next.) :)
Raziel: O_o oh sh- *Is squashed*
(He grumbles and then makes his way into the throne room there he meets Dumah's disembodied spirit.)
Dumah: Come to kick my ass, prodigal brother?
Raziel: Yep.
(Raziel then goes material and spots Dumah's body, it has a cloak covering his lower body and is impaled by several spears.)
Raziel: My brother, Dumah - a powerful warrior and sushi chief, in life. He would have drunkenly burned with shame, to leave me with this opportunity to take photos of him.
(He does so for a few minutes, he then gets bored and decides to remove the spears.)
Dumah: Ah! Yes that feels good.
Raziel: Well.
Dumah: Well what?
Raziel: Are you gonna thank me?
Dumah: No. MUHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!
Raziel: Ungrateful ass.
Dumah: Unbound at last, whoop, almost forgot this one.
(He reaches behind himself.)
The Following scene has been cut due to the sick and wrong thing that was done to him, you can pretty much guess what was done to him, I think I'm gonna hurl.
Dumah: - it feels great to have that out of there.
Raziel: OoO *Faints from disgust and shock*
(He recovers and the scene continues.)
Dumah: Unbound at last from that restraining order. I thank you, brother.
Raziel: Finally, your thanks are premature and not thoroughly cooked, Dumah. I have not forgotten whose hand shoved me into that well, and bore me into the abyss.
Dumah: The centuries in drug rehab and limbo have honed my strength and resistance *Fights urge to smoke*. Not even Kain is my equal in a drinking contest.
Raziel: You lie, no one can be beat him, not even Vorador could beat him. Even the strongest vampire is vulnerable.
Dumah: Yeah right, we shall test your thesis, Raziel.
Raziel: My blood-thirst has been superceded by an even darker hunger. I will consume your soul and all you beer before the day is done.
Dumah: No not my stash, I kill you before you can, now prepare to barbecue!
Raziel: Not again.
Dumah: I mean Die!
(He throws off his cloak to reveal - gasp! A jump suit and a head microphone, and the windows shatter to reveal giant speakers dropping in.)
Raziel: OoO Oh my god you're not a.a.
Dumah: Yes. I. am. a. BACK-UP DANCER FOR BRITNEY SPEARS! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Raziel: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dumah: *begins to dance to a song and speaker flare to life*
Raziel: *Deep breath* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
(Suddenly there is a flash of light and then a clunk and something made of metal slides towards Raziel.)
Raziel: Huh? A bat?
Metal Battey: I have been reborn, Raziel.
Raziel: BATTEY!
(He and the bat hug for a moment and then together, Raziel smashes the speakers.)
Dumah: *Stops singing as soon as speakers are gone* Hey! @$$hole! Those were my only ones.
M. Battey: I'm sorry my friend but I must go.
Raziel: *Tearful* NO. Please don't go.
M. Battey: Good Bye my friend.
(He suddenly floats up towards the heaven and vanishes.)
Dumah: Aww that was touching, now I'm gonna kick your ass for breaking my speakers!
Raziel: o_o Eppp. *Runs away*
(Dumah chases after in close pursuit, but for some reason if Raziel gets more than five feet from him, he stops or runs back to his throne room.)
Dumah: Forget it.
Raziel: Oh for the love of god.
(He high kicks Dumah in the nuts.)
Dumah: X *Falls to ground*
(Raziel grabs something from a box on the throne and pulls out a DVD.)
Dumah: NO! NOT MY ONE OF A KIND GOLD EDITION OF 'CROSSROADS' THAT IS AUTOGRAPHED BY BRITNEY HERSELF!
Raziel: *Grins evilly and runs off*
(Dumah gives chase and tries to catch his older brother but can't get close enough to him, Raziel soon tricks him into the furnace, he runs up to the lever and waits, Dumah runs into the middle.)
Dumah: Please.
Raziel: No.
Dumah: I promise I won't destroy you if you just hand it back.
Raziel: Hmmm, no.
(He throws it up into the air.)
Dumah: *Gasp and tries to catch it*
(He does so.)
Raziel: Hehehehehe.
(He pulls the lever in front of him.)
Dumah: *Hears fire about to burst through the two burners* Oh crap.
(Is burned into ashes, but for some reason the DVD won't burn.)
Raziel: What the? *He tries to burn about a hundred times but to no avail*
(He gives up and then eats Dumah's soul.)
Raziel: Hmmm. Taste like chicken Mcnuggets.
Elder God: You can now, for this game only, do a cool constriction thing attack.
Raziel: What?
Elder God: You can make a band of spectral energy come out of your ankles and use it to turn otherwise immovable objects.
Raziel: Oh cool.
(He tries it on a jar of pickles that was in Dumah's fridge.)
Elder God: What the hell are you doing?
Raziel: I couldn't open this and neither could the other, now I have opened this stubborn bottle. HAHA!
Elder God: *Falls over Anime style*
(Raziel leaves and like the other lairs, he leaves a 'For sale' sign out front. He then uses the warp gate in south from the entrance of the lair and returns to the pillars.)
Ariel: Again.
Raziel: Yep.
Ariel: In the bowels of an inverted clockwork, the tormentor awaits. Be wary, Raziel - those blind with rage are by destiny ensnared.
Raziel: Whoseawhat'sa?
Ariel: It mean's Kain is waiting in a large chamber and if you go there while your angry you will fail.
Raziel: Oh.
(Has a multitude of things fall on his head.)
Raziel: Ow.
(He crawls out and then walks back to the abyss.)
Raziel: Soon this will all be over, but there is the fact that I'll be called back soon to film the sequel.
(He suddenly slips on a banana peel, again.)
Raziel: That does it!
************************************************************** *************************
Me: *Standing a few feet from a brutally beaten Moebius* Well that was fun.
Moebius: *groaning*
Me: Oh shut up.
Raziel: Again?!?
Me: What?
Raziel: I will find you banana peel bandit-placer-guy-jerk, ah forget it.
Me: Well It's time to end this chapter, opps almost forgot. Everybody.
(Suddenly the whole cast of LOK appear, yes everyone from BO, BO2, SR and SR2 gather up and I stand in the front.)
Me: All together now!
Everyone and me: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Moebius: *very weakly* An.a.and t.to all good night! *Collapses in pain, everyone then gathers around to beat him.*
Please review and I will give you every thing I have given in the last chapters, have a nice holiday!
(I then join them.)
Peace!
Notice: Don't own Harry Potter, Britney Spears or the various objects.
Me: Well, here we are, nine chapters, I thought I'd be done sooner.
Moebius: Please no more beatings! I beg- *Is tackled by everyone who has reviewed my fanfic.*
Me: ~_o Ow. Oh.
OoO Angel-Chan did not just use that.
O_o Whoa. I didn't know Venris could jump that high!
o_o Who knew Concept had a spiked mace. O_O OH MY GOD! Poor Moe is gonna need a lot of duct tape and glue down there.
Moebius: *After severe beating and everyone left* Help. me.
Me: Hold on a sec, *Turns to look at you* Well here's pt. 9!
(I Pull out a sword handle, suddenly a huge ass blade materializes on it.)
Me: *In a sing-song like voice* Oh Moeby.
Moebius: OoO N.N.NOOOOOOO!!! *Echoes into distance*
************************************************************** *************************
(We arrive as Raziel is heading towards the abyss; he is rubbing his head after all that junk Ariel dropped on him.)
Distant cry (Moebius): NNNOOOOOO!!!
Raziel: *Jumps in alarm* What was that!?!
Me: *With Disembodied voice* Nothing, just keep going.
Raziel: Oh, okay.
(He continues until he reaches the first platform of the abyss, he pauses when he sees several people fighting the second one, he sees a two young boys, both wearing black cloak-like robes, one has black hair and glasses, while the other has blonde hair and a sneery face.)
Raziel: O_o
Harry: Take this Malfoy!
(He shots a ball of energy at the other boy; it explodes on contact and sends the boy flying.)
Other kids: Yay Harry!
(The boy Malfoy staggers up and then collapses, all of a sudden everyone vanishes, leaving only the fading cheers.)
Raziel: O_o strange.
(He continues into the cave that lies directly across from the platform, he then climbs the pillar like bridge and glides to Dumah's citadel and stops, gasping at the sight within, it is a ghost town like his clan and there are corpses every where.)
Raziel: This city once teemed with the life of my kind, and secretly some leftover lawyers. Could it be that other clans had suffered the same fate or possible vacation as mine? In his mad drunkenness, could Kain spare none of his brood?
Elder God: It was not Kain but Dumah's - *Another long speech*
(You know what happens.)
Elder God: - with little resista - DAMN IT RAZIEL!
Raziel: *Bubble pops* Huh?!?
Elder God: I'VE IT WITH YOU FALLING ASLEEP AT MY SPEECHES!
Raziel: Well, maybe I'd listen if you were not so boring.
Elder God: THAT'S IT!
(Suddenly the moon, a huge ship, a minivan, a monster truck, an elephant, a whale and many other things hover above his head.)
Raziel: O_O mommy.
(The stuff falls on him.)
Elder God: That'll teach you.
Raziel: Ow.
(After two weeks of recovery, Raziel finally enters Dumah's lair; he comes across several poster of.)
Raziel: *Gasps of horror and revulsion* Britney Spears!
(Yes, upon hundreds of posters are hanging about the entire city.)
Raziel: Dumah, I'm not even gonna go there.
(He continues on and eventually makes it to the entrance to Dumah's throne room.)
Raziel: Now to kill that gay, pansy-ass, Britney Spear's lovin' fagget.
Dumahim Vampire #1: Hey that's our daddy you're talking about.
D. Vamp #2: Yeah! Ya a-hole!
A-Hole: Yes?
D.V's and Raziel: NOT YOU!
A-Hole: Oh okay. *Vanishes*
Raziel: Git.
(He fights the two vampires and wins then he realizes he needed to knock the large pillar over.)
Raziel: Oh Dammit!
(He kicks the cage, which causes two reactions: 1st- the front part of the cage tips forward and hits the pillar. 2nd- the pillar tips over and well you can guess what happens next.) :)
Raziel: O_o oh sh- *Is squashed*
(He grumbles and then makes his way into the throne room there he meets Dumah's disembodied spirit.)
Dumah: Come to kick my ass, prodigal brother?
Raziel: Yep.
(Raziel then goes material and spots Dumah's body, it has a cloak covering his lower body and is impaled by several spears.)
Raziel: My brother, Dumah - a powerful warrior and sushi chief, in life. He would have drunkenly burned with shame, to leave me with this opportunity to take photos of him.
(He does so for a few minutes, he then gets bored and decides to remove the spears.)
Dumah: Ah! Yes that feels good.
Raziel: Well.
Dumah: Well what?
Raziel: Are you gonna thank me?
Dumah: No. MUHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!
Raziel: Ungrateful ass.
Dumah: Unbound at last, whoop, almost forgot this one.
(He reaches behind himself.)
The Following scene has been cut due to the sick and wrong thing that was done to him, you can pretty much guess what was done to him, I think I'm gonna hurl.
Dumah: - it feels great to have that out of there.
Raziel: OoO *Faints from disgust and shock*
(He recovers and the scene continues.)
Dumah: Unbound at last from that restraining order. I thank you, brother.
Raziel: Finally, your thanks are premature and not thoroughly cooked, Dumah. I have not forgotten whose hand shoved me into that well, and bore me into the abyss.
Dumah: The centuries in drug rehab and limbo have honed my strength and resistance *Fights urge to smoke*. Not even Kain is my equal in a drinking contest.
Raziel: You lie, no one can be beat him, not even Vorador could beat him. Even the strongest vampire is vulnerable.
Dumah: Yeah right, we shall test your thesis, Raziel.
Raziel: My blood-thirst has been superceded by an even darker hunger. I will consume your soul and all you beer before the day is done.
Dumah: No not my stash, I kill you before you can, now prepare to barbecue!
Raziel: Not again.
Dumah: I mean Die!
(He throws off his cloak to reveal - gasp! A jump suit and a head microphone, and the windows shatter to reveal giant speakers dropping in.)
Raziel: OoO Oh my god you're not a.a.
Dumah: Yes. I. am. a. BACK-UP DANCER FOR BRITNEY SPEARS! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Raziel: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dumah: *begins to dance to a song and speaker flare to life*
Raziel: *Deep breath* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
(Suddenly there is a flash of light and then a clunk and something made of metal slides towards Raziel.)
Raziel: Huh? A bat?
Metal Battey: I have been reborn, Raziel.
Raziel: BATTEY!
(He and the bat hug for a moment and then together, Raziel smashes the speakers.)
Dumah: *Stops singing as soon as speakers are gone* Hey! @$$hole! Those were my only ones.
M. Battey: I'm sorry my friend but I must go.
Raziel: *Tearful* NO. Please don't go.
M. Battey: Good Bye my friend.
(He suddenly floats up towards the heaven and vanishes.)
Dumah: Aww that was touching, now I'm gonna kick your ass for breaking my speakers!
Raziel: o_o Eppp. *Runs away*
(Dumah chases after in close pursuit, but for some reason if Raziel gets more than five feet from him, he stops or runs back to his throne room.)
Dumah: Forget it.
Raziel: Oh for the love of god.
(He high kicks Dumah in the nuts.)
Dumah: X *Falls to ground*
(Raziel grabs something from a box on the throne and pulls out a DVD.)
Dumah: NO! NOT MY ONE OF A KIND GOLD EDITION OF 'CROSSROADS' THAT IS AUTOGRAPHED BY BRITNEY HERSELF!
Raziel: *Grins evilly and runs off*
(Dumah gives chase and tries to catch his older brother but can't get close enough to him, Raziel soon tricks him into the furnace, he runs up to the lever and waits, Dumah runs into the middle.)
Dumah: Please.
Raziel: No.
Dumah: I promise I won't destroy you if you just hand it back.
Raziel: Hmmm, no.
(He throws it up into the air.)
Dumah: *Gasp and tries to catch it*
(He does so.)
Raziel: Hehehehehe.
(He pulls the lever in front of him.)
Dumah: *Hears fire about to burst through the two burners* Oh crap.
(Is burned into ashes, but for some reason the DVD won't burn.)
Raziel: What the? *He tries to burn about a hundred times but to no avail*
(He gives up and then eats Dumah's soul.)
Raziel: Hmmm. Taste like chicken Mcnuggets.
Elder God: You can now, for this game only, do a cool constriction thing attack.
Raziel: What?
Elder God: You can make a band of spectral energy come out of your ankles and use it to turn otherwise immovable objects.
Raziel: Oh cool.
(He tries it on a jar of pickles that was in Dumah's fridge.)
Elder God: What the hell are you doing?
Raziel: I couldn't open this and neither could the other, now I have opened this stubborn bottle. HAHA!
Elder God: *Falls over Anime style*
(Raziel leaves and like the other lairs, he leaves a 'For sale' sign out front. He then uses the warp gate in south from the entrance of the lair and returns to the pillars.)
Ariel: Again.
Raziel: Yep.
Ariel: In the bowels of an inverted clockwork, the tormentor awaits. Be wary, Raziel - those blind with rage are by destiny ensnared.
Raziel: Whoseawhat'sa?
Ariel: It mean's Kain is waiting in a large chamber and if you go there while your angry you will fail.
Raziel: Oh.
(Has a multitude of things fall on his head.)
Raziel: Ow.
(He crawls out and then walks back to the abyss.)
Raziel: Soon this will all be over, but there is the fact that I'll be called back soon to film the sequel.
(He suddenly slips on a banana peel, again.)
Raziel: That does it!
************************************************************** *************************
Me: *Standing a few feet from a brutally beaten Moebius* Well that was fun.
Moebius: *groaning*
Me: Oh shut up.
Raziel: Again?!?
Me: What?
Raziel: I will find you banana peel bandit-placer-guy-jerk, ah forget it.
Me: Well It's time to end this chapter, opps almost forgot. Everybody.
(Suddenly the whole cast of LOK appear, yes everyone from BO, BO2, SR and SR2 gather up and I stand in the front.)
Me: All together now!
Everyone and me: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Moebius: *very weakly* An.a.and t.to all good night! *Collapses in pain, everyone then gathers around to beat him.*
Please review and I will give you every thing I have given in the last chapters, have a nice holiday!
(I then join them.)
Peace!