Soul Reaver - Chapter Eleven: The Final Confrontation (Until
the sequel at least)
Notice: .You know the drill.
Me: Well here it is at last, the final chapter of my first parody.
Raziel: WHOHOO! YAY! No more chapters! YA-
(Is whacked up side the head by Me with a large club.)
Me: Shut up, your gonna be in another parody of mine soon.
Raziel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOO*One hour later*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO!
Me: Are you done yet?
Raziel: .OOOOOOO *Stops suddenly* Yeah I'm done now.
Me: Geh! *Falls over anime style*
Raziel: Well.I guess I'll go get ready.
Me: You do that.Well anyway, here it is the final chapter! YAY!
************************************************************** *************************
(We see Moebius at a desk, wearing a suit instead of his usual robes.)
Moebius: Hello, I'm here to apologize for the parody, which has slandered this great game series. It has demeaned the dialogue and made a mockery of some of the greatest voice- actors best roles in their career, please, me and others are signing a -
(He is suddenly tackled by Raziel and Kain who each posses a sharp object, they beat the stuffing out of him until he is unable to mutter a word.)
Kain: I think that's enough of that.
Raziel: I agree.
Kain: If you people out there want to kill annoying bastards like Moebius here, please call - 1800 - Kill - MOEBIUS.
Me: GET ON WITH IT!
Kain and Raziel: Sorry.
(We now see Raziel heading towards the Oracles cave.)
Raziel V.O: The Oracles cave, where Kain's first fateful meeting with Moebius occurred.
Moebius played the role of an attorney and soothsayer, stirring his pot of visions while dispensing legal papers and enigmatic predictions to gullible morons and twits uh I mean visitors and plaintiffs. Underneath the facade was Moebius the little jackass and Time Streamer, sorcerer of the Circle of Nine - a ruthless and annoying manipulator with the power to piss others off real quick and bend time. Since his rightfully deserved ass-kicking by Kain's hands centuries ago, theses cave have stood vacant, until now because there are now vampires waiting to fight me while I make my way through.though, like Moebius himself, they are rumored to be only a facade for a much dumber, more ridiculous joke.
I sensed that Kain was here, not only because of the large sign outside saying 'Kain's inside'.and at that moment, I would have searched the Internet to find him.
(Once inside, Raziel comes across a statue of Moebius, the Time Streamer - as he regards it and spites on it, he reflects.)
Raziel V.O: This, I deduced, must be the jackass himself -the Time Streamer, Moebius. He seemed not at all the 500ft, six armed, laser eye shooting, giant with big cannons I had imagined Kain's boasted stories while he was drunk. And yet, even this crappy ugly image radiated a certain undeniable power.or I was tired and needed a nap?
In the depths of Moebius' time-streaming apparatus, Raziel discovers a series of portals displaying scenes of past and apparently future events. As he descends, passing these various scenes, he reflects on the images confronting him. The images in the portals imply that the events he's experienced - and those still to come have all been predestined.
The first portal shows Raziel reviving in the underworld, after being executed by Kain.
Raziel: My arrival in this miserable age. What the hell is this?
Elder God: It is no illusion, Raziel, but a preview of the upcoming T V hit: "Predestined Futures"
The second portal displays Raziel's discovery at the Tomb of the Sarafan, and his origins -
Raziel: Impossible - this must one of Kain's deceptions. he must be running a hidden network of cameras.
A third portal shows the Soul Reaver being shattered during the confrontation between Kain and Raziel (as Kain prepares to destroy Raziel with the blade) --
Raziel: These apparitions torment me. has it all been foretold? And didn't this happen before I went to the tomb?
Elder God: Yeah, but I think the creators wanted to deliver a foreboding effect than precise order.
The next portal shows Raziel confronting Kain at some future time, in an unfamiliar setting --
Raziel: My mind reels with conflict and numbness. does Kain await me moments from now, or in a sequel game yet to come?
Another portal shows Raziel striking Ariel down with the Soul Reaver (an event which has not yet occurred) --
Raziel: O.o This cannot be! What madness does this scene portend? Kain must think me credulous, to suffer these lies. besides I would kill her wearing a mask or something like that.
A final portal shows Raziel armed with an enhanced Soul Reaver, it's blade writhing with intertwined black and red energies --
Raziel: Cool, red and black are very neat colors, I wonder when I'll get that.
(He continues on and final reaches the time chamber, Kain is no where to be found. He suddenly hears a voice from one of the columns on the third part of the chamber.)
Voice: *Like a woman* So what's up Ken?
Same voice: *Now like a cool guy* Nothing Barbie.
Raziel: O.o
(He slowly creeps up the stairs and peer around the corner to see Kain on the floor playing with two Barbie dolls.)
Raziel: O.O
(He watches as Kain plays, unaware to his presence.)
Raziel: *To himself* Oh I have to get some pictures of this.
(He pulls out a camera and takes several photos of Kain; upon the third click does Kain finally realize Raziel is there.)
Kain: GAH! Oh, uh I just collect these, you know for investment.
Raziel: "-__-0 Right.
Kain: FORGET WHAT YOU SAW! Anyway. At last. I must say I'm disappointed in you progress. I imagined you'd become the champion of 'Duel Monsters' by now. -- Tell me did it trouble you to murder your brothers?
Raziel: No, not really. Did it trouble you when you ordered me into the abyss?
Kain: Nah. I did it before a hundred times. No - I had money betted on you. In your ability to kick ass. In your drinking problem.
Raziel: Lies. I do not have a problem. You cannot have foreseen all of this.
Kain: Eternity is long, long, long time and it's quit relentless when you steal its prized pig, Raziel.
When I first busted into this place, centuries ago, I did not fathom the true power of Knowledge and that in a past life, I was a woman. To know the future, Raziel. to see it's pretty swirly colors and it's paths and streams tracing out into the infinite coloring book. As a man, I could never have contained such forbidden truths, that Moebius is gay. But each of us is so much more than we once were. Gazing out across the backyards of possibility, do you not feel with all your soul how we have become like gods? And as such, are we not indivisible? As long as a single one of us stands, we can kick ass, oh and we are legion. That is why I must sacrifice my children to the void, I can even do it with my eyes shut and my hands tied.
Raziel: *Nearly asleep* Are you done yet?
Kain: Yes.
Raziel: Oh, uh very unpoetic - but in the end it doesn't even matter. You offer no more than half-priced fruits and vegetables.
Kain: These chambers offer insight and are great for hiding in when the cops are after you. Our futures are predestined by Eidos - Moebius told me that eons ago and foretold me mine for only a nickel. We each play out the parts the director picked for us. Free will is a load of bull.
Raziel: I've seen the tomb of Sarafan, Kain. Your dirty secret is exposed.
Kain: WHAT! I was drunk that night.
Raziel: That's beside the point, how could you turn a priest into vampire?
Kain: Well, first I had to dig the bodies out, then I had to perform -
Raziel: No. I mean why did you do it?
Kain: Oh. One must keep his friends close, Raziel - and his enemies even closer. Who better to serve me than someone whose passion for peaches transcends all notions for watermelons?
Raziel: The Sarafan were weird, and yet saviors too, defending Nosgoth from the bogeyman and giant squirrels. My eyes, or at least these cool glowing white contacts that act as them are open, Kain - I find no free discounts in this credit card you so rudely forced on my unwilling corpse.
Kain: You may have uncovered your past, but you now nothing about it. You think the Sarafan were noble, please they were @$$holes for gods sake, Altruistic? Don't be simple. Their agenda was the same as ours.
Raziel: They planed on cornering the cheese market?
Kain: No, world domination besides everyone knew they had their eyes set on fried chicken restaurants.
Raziel: What game are you playing now?
Kain: Devil May Cry, I'm close to beating the third fight with Nightmare.
Raziel: Enough of this! I'm gonna kick you ass!
Kain: Bring it on, Bitch!
(They fight; Kain does what he did before, except Kain hits the switches every time he's hit.)
Raziel: Seems the designers ran out of ideas for our second fight.
Kain: Seems so.
(When Raziel lands his third and final Soul Reaver attack, Kain throws the final switch and materializes next to the star portal, exhausted, he addresses Raziel.)
Kain: .You nearly had me, Raziel.
Raziel: When? When I kicked you in the nuts? Or was it when I put you the full nelson?
Kain: It was when you just hit me the third time.
Raziel: Oh.
Kain: Anyway, this is not where - or how - it ends. Eidos decided to cut the game short, but there will be more twists before this damn game will end.
(He runs into the portal, Raziel approaches it. Suddenly a tiny device falls out of his right ear.)
Raziel: What the hell is this?
Elder God: That's the thing I used to talk to you.
Raziel: It is? Finally I'm free of your damn voice.
(He smashes the device.)
Elder God: Darn. Be warned, Raziel - once you cross this threshold, you will be beyond my reach.
Raziel: *Really quick* It's been nice knowing you. BYE!
(He runs through the portal.)
Elder God: I hate it when they run away. Guess we should cut that bit out in the sequel.
(Raziel appears in a dark room with the infinity symbol on the floor, as he stops to see this, Moebius walks into view.)
Moebius: Raziel. some blue guy and hero of this game. jester and lord of monkeys. welcome, you poor bastard. to. THIS IS YOUR LIFE!
(Little tune plays for a moment.)
Raziel: Huh?
Moebius: Um I mean your destiny.
(They stand around for a few moments.)
Raziel: Well. aren't you gonna say that line?
Moebius: Oh yeah.
(The scene fades and the words to that final speech appear.)
Moebius:
Where time is a but holahoop, A loose stitch in the universal carpet, A jerk might seize upon a chance, one screw up - And plunge the fate of our careers into chaos.
Me: Now for that one little cliffhanger that pissed everyone who ever played this game off.
TO BE CONTINUED.
Me: Why did they do that? Bastards.
************************************************************** *************************
Me: Well, that's the end of my first parody, phew I'm tired.
Raziel: What do you mean? I'm the one who had to go through with that!
Me: Yeah. well I had to write.
Raziel: I give up.
(He walks off.)
Me: Well I decided to do the following: Make a parody of Soul Reaver 2, Blood Omen 2, possibly one on Blood Omen if and when I get a copy of it, a Silent Hill 2 one, one on that 'Summoner' game, a L.o.K that is just for laughs, maybe even one Lord of the Rings, which is currently entitled: Lord of the Dollars: Fellowship of the Coin, and my own original fiction Please tell what you think of this.
Oh, and make sure to go to the pillars, I left a surprise for you all there.
Moebius: *In distance* Help ME!
On a final note, I wish to thank all of you who have read this since it started.
THANKS!
See you later!.
Notice: .You know the drill.
Me: Well here it is at last, the final chapter of my first parody.
Raziel: WHOHOO! YAY! No more chapters! YA-
(Is whacked up side the head by Me with a large club.)
Me: Shut up, your gonna be in another parody of mine soon.
Raziel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOO*One hour later*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO!
Me: Are you done yet?
Raziel: .OOOOOOO *Stops suddenly* Yeah I'm done now.
Me: Geh! *Falls over anime style*
Raziel: Well.I guess I'll go get ready.
Me: You do that.Well anyway, here it is the final chapter! YAY!
************************************************************** *************************
(We see Moebius at a desk, wearing a suit instead of his usual robes.)
Moebius: Hello, I'm here to apologize for the parody, which has slandered this great game series. It has demeaned the dialogue and made a mockery of some of the greatest voice- actors best roles in their career, please, me and others are signing a -
(He is suddenly tackled by Raziel and Kain who each posses a sharp object, they beat the stuffing out of him until he is unable to mutter a word.)
Kain: I think that's enough of that.
Raziel: I agree.
Kain: If you people out there want to kill annoying bastards like Moebius here, please call - 1800 - Kill - MOEBIUS.
Me: GET ON WITH IT!
Kain and Raziel: Sorry.
(We now see Raziel heading towards the Oracles cave.)
Raziel V.O: The Oracles cave, where Kain's first fateful meeting with Moebius occurred.
Moebius played the role of an attorney and soothsayer, stirring his pot of visions while dispensing legal papers and enigmatic predictions to gullible morons and twits uh I mean visitors and plaintiffs. Underneath the facade was Moebius the little jackass and Time Streamer, sorcerer of the Circle of Nine - a ruthless and annoying manipulator with the power to piss others off real quick and bend time. Since his rightfully deserved ass-kicking by Kain's hands centuries ago, theses cave have stood vacant, until now because there are now vampires waiting to fight me while I make my way through.though, like Moebius himself, they are rumored to be only a facade for a much dumber, more ridiculous joke.
I sensed that Kain was here, not only because of the large sign outside saying 'Kain's inside'.and at that moment, I would have searched the Internet to find him.
(Once inside, Raziel comes across a statue of Moebius, the Time Streamer - as he regards it and spites on it, he reflects.)
Raziel V.O: This, I deduced, must be the jackass himself -the Time Streamer, Moebius. He seemed not at all the 500ft, six armed, laser eye shooting, giant with big cannons I had imagined Kain's boasted stories while he was drunk. And yet, even this crappy ugly image radiated a certain undeniable power.or I was tired and needed a nap?
In the depths of Moebius' time-streaming apparatus, Raziel discovers a series of portals displaying scenes of past and apparently future events. As he descends, passing these various scenes, he reflects on the images confronting him. The images in the portals imply that the events he's experienced - and those still to come have all been predestined.
The first portal shows Raziel reviving in the underworld, after being executed by Kain.
Raziel: My arrival in this miserable age. What the hell is this?
Elder God: It is no illusion, Raziel, but a preview of the upcoming T V hit: "Predestined Futures"
The second portal displays Raziel's discovery at the Tomb of the Sarafan, and his origins -
Raziel: Impossible - this must one of Kain's deceptions. he must be running a hidden network of cameras.
A third portal shows the Soul Reaver being shattered during the confrontation between Kain and Raziel (as Kain prepares to destroy Raziel with the blade) --
Raziel: These apparitions torment me. has it all been foretold? And didn't this happen before I went to the tomb?
Elder God: Yeah, but I think the creators wanted to deliver a foreboding effect than precise order.
The next portal shows Raziel confronting Kain at some future time, in an unfamiliar setting --
Raziel: My mind reels with conflict and numbness. does Kain await me moments from now, or in a sequel game yet to come?
Another portal shows Raziel striking Ariel down with the Soul Reaver (an event which has not yet occurred) --
Raziel: O.o This cannot be! What madness does this scene portend? Kain must think me credulous, to suffer these lies. besides I would kill her wearing a mask or something like that.
A final portal shows Raziel armed with an enhanced Soul Reaver, it's blade writhing with intertwined black and red energies --
Raziel: Cool, red and black are very neat colors, I wonder when I'll get that.
(He continues on and final reaches the time chamber, Kain is no where to be found. He suddenly hears a voice from one of the columns on the third part of the chamber.)
Voice: *Like a woman* So what's up Ken?
Same voice: *Now like a cool guy* Nothing Barbie.
Raziel: O.o
(He slowly creeps up the stairs and peer around the corner to see Kain on the floor playing with two Barbie dolls.)
Raziel: O.O
(He watches as Kain plays, unaware to his presence.)
Raziel: *To himself* Oh I have to get some pictures of this.
(He pulls out a camera and takes several photos of Kain; upon the third click does Kain finally realize Raziel is there.)
Kain: GAH! Oh, uh I just collect these, you know for investment.
Raziel: "-__-0 Right.
Kain: FORGET WHAT YOU SAW! Anyway. At last. I must say I'm disappointed in you progress. I imagined you'd become the champion of 'Duel Monsters' by now. -- Tell me did it trouble you to murder your brothers?
Raziel: No, not really. Did it trouble you when you ordered me into the abyss?
Kain: Nah. I did it before a hundred times. No - I had money betted on you. In your ability to kick ass. In your drinking problem.
Raziel: Lies. I do not have a problem. You cannot have foreseen all of this.
Kain: Eternity is long, long, long time and it's quit relentless when you steal its prized pig, Raziel.
When I first busted into this place, centuries ago, I did not fathom the true power of Knowledge and that in a past life, I was a woman. To know the future, Raziel. to see it's pretty swirly colors and it's paths and streams tracing out into the infinite coloring book. As a man, I could never have contained such forbidden truths, that Moebius is gay. But each of us is so much more than we once were. Gazing out across the backyards of possibility, do you not feel with all your soul how we have become like gods? And as such, are we not indivisible? As long as a single one of us stands, we can kick ass, oh and we are legion. That is why I must sacrifice my children to the void, I can even do it with my eyes shut and my hands tied.
Raziel: *Nearly asleep* Are you done yet?
Kain: Yes.
Raziel: Oh, uh very unpoetic - but in the end it doesn't even matter. You offer no more than half-priced fruits and vegetables.
Kain: These chambers offer insight and are great for hiding in when the cops are after you. Our futures are predestined by Eidos - Moebius told me that eons ago and foretold me mine for only a nickel. We each play out the parts the director picked for us. Free will is a load of bull.
Raziel: I've seen the tomb of Sarafan, Kain. Your dirty secret is exposed.
Kain: WHAT! I was drunk that night.
Raziel: That's beside the point, how could you turn a priest into vampire?
Kain: Well, first I had to dig the bodies out, then I had to perform -
Raziel: No. I mean why did you do it?
Kain: Oh. One must keep his friends close, Raziel - and his enemies even closer. Who better to serve me than someone whose passion for peaches transcends all notions for watermelons?
Raziel: The Sarafan were weird, and yet saviors too, defending Nosgoth from the bogeyman and giant squirrels. My eyes, or at least these cool glowing white contacts that act as them are open, Kain - I find no free discounts in this credit card you so rudely forced on my unwilling corpse.
Kain: You may have uncovered your past, but you now nothing about it. You think the Sarafan were noble, please they were @$$holes for gods sake, Altruistic? Don't be simple. Their agenda was the same as ours.
Raziel: They planed on cornering the cheese market?
Kain: No, world domination besides everyone knew they had their eyes set on fried chicken restaurants.
Raziel: What game are you playing now?
Kain: Devil May Cry, I'm close to beating the third fight with Nightmare.
Raziel: Enough of this! I'm gonna kick you ass!
Kain: Bring it on, Bitch!
(They fight; Kain does what he did before, except Kain hits the switches every time he's hit.)
Raziel: Seems the designers ran out of ideas for our second fight.
Kain: Seems so.
(When Raziel lands his third and final Soul Reaver attack, Kain throws the final switch and materializes next to the star portal, exhausted, he addresses Raziel.)
Kain: .You nearly had me, Raziel.
Raziel: When? When I kicked you in the nuts? Or was it when I put you the full nelson?
Kain: It was when you just hit me the third time.
Raziel: Oh.
Kain: Anyway, this is not where - or how - it ends. Eidos decided to cut the game short, but there will be more twists before this damn game will end.
(He runs into the portal, Raziel approaches it. Suddenly a tiny device falls out of his right ear.)
Raziel: What the hell is this?
Elder God: That's the thing I used to talk to you.
Raziel: It is? Finally I'm free of your damn voice.
(He smashes the device.)
Elder God: Darn. Be warned, Raziel - once you cross this threshold, you will be beyond my reach.
Raziel: *Really quick* It's been nice knowing you. BYE!
(He runs through the portal.)
Elder God: I hate it when they run away. Guess we should cut that bit out in the sequel.
(Raziel appears in a dark room with the infinity symbol on the floor, as he stops to see this, Moebius walks into view.)
Moebius: Raziel. some blue guy and hero of this game. jester and lord of monkeys. welcome, you poor bastard. to. THIS IS YOUR LIFE!
(Little tune plays for a moment.)
Raziel: Huh?
Moebius: Um I mean your destiny.
(They stand around for a few moments.)
Raziel: Well. aren't you gonna say that line?
Moebius: Oh yeah.
(The scene fades and the words to that final speech appear.)
Moebius:
Where time is a but holahoop, A loose stitch in the universal carpet, A jerk might seize upon a chance, one screw up - And plunge the fate of our careers into chaos.
Me: Now for that one little cliffhanger that pissed everyone who ever played this game off.
TO BE CONTINUED.
Me: Why did they do that? Bastards.
************************************************************** *************************
Me: Well, that's the end of my first parody, phew I'm tired.
Raziel: What do you mean? I'm the one who had to go through with that!
Me: Yeah. well I had to write.
Raziel: I give up.
(He walks off.)
Me: Well I decided to do the following: Make a parody of Soul Reaver 2, Blood Omen 2, possibly one on Blood Omen if and when I get a copy of it, a Silent Hill 2 one, one on that 'Summoner' game, a L.o.K that is just for laughs, maybe even one Lord of the Rings, which is currently entitled: Lord of the Dollars: Fellowship of the Coin, and my own original fiction Please tell what you think of this.
Oh, and make sure to go to the pillars, I left a surprise for you all there.
Moebius: *In distance* Help ME!
On a final note, I wish to thank all of you who have read this since it started.
THANKS!
See you later!.