TACO BELL HIRES DATA

Give the people what they want.

By Baron Vince

TACO BELL'S SECRET BASE—The Taco Bell restaurant chain has finally found the replacement mascot it has been searching for ever since it tired of the famous talking Chihuahua. The company wisely figured that there was only one thing better than a talking dog: a dancing monkey.

Data, the tiny robot monkey from the Megaman Legends game series, is a charismatic figure who has already touched the lives of many. Data consists of a monkey head and tiny monkey hands and feet and tail sticking out of a big metal diaper. His repetitive, nonstop dance has been a welcome sight for Legends players desperate for a chance to save after beating huge bosses like Bruno, and it will now be a welcome sight for hungry people everywhere.

"Data was very pleased with our offer," said Taco Bell spokesman Tony Yolman. "He responded most enthusiastically and signed a one-year contract to do commercials and posters to promote our foodstuffs."

Data's first scheduled job will be to film a commercial in which he dances to salsa music while hypnotic images of various new Taco Bell products flash in the background.

"They're hypnotic, because that's what it is," Yolman explained. "Hypnotism will be the marketing strategy of the new millennium. Data's nonstop, unchanging dance will lull viewers into a false sense of security while our succulent food images ignite their hunger, and drive them south of the border! I shouldn't have told you that," Yolman added apprehensively.

Data has several other gigs lined up, including a second commercial featuring a popular dance song which plays as Data dances across the TV screen as Taco Bell customers feast on new tacos.

"HEEEY MACARENA, EEK-EEK!" the squeaky voice of Data will resonate.

"I'm very happy for Data," said MegaMan Volnutt, the monkey's owner. "I'm sure he'll have a great time. He just better be back in time to explain what the hell the plot of the second game was to me, just before I fight Sera. Otherwise I'll have an aneurysm from confusion."

TREE HUGS BACK

A match made in heaven?

By Baron Ziegfeld

YATES FOREST—Local Greenpeace activist John Burgess received quite a shock yesterday when a tree hugged him back.

Burgess, a huge defender of all things natural, was in the middle of his daily romp through the woods, hugging trees and enjoying nature as only few can. Halfway down the trail, however, Burgess hugged a tree that, overcome by emotion, returned the embrace, tearful with joy at his acceptance by a human being. The human in question fled screaming for his mother.

"Never ever ever ever again!" Burgess raved, shortly before the Men In White Coats arrived. "Trees shouldn't be able to hug! Trees don't have arms! Oh my God, it was horrible! I…oh no, I peed myself! Damn nature!"

"Mr. Burgess's condition is very sudden and strange," said Man-In-White-Coat Jeremy Hein. "But we here at Happy Dale Sanitarium are positive that in time, Mr. Burgess will be good as new, or at least kept away from the rest of society."

"Of course we're sure his story is false," Hein said when asked if he was sure they were doing the right thing. "We even went to where he said to go, and there was no tree there."

"I most certainly was there," said Woodman, "and it was the bestest thing in the whole wide world!" The tree-shaped robot wiped a tear from his eye. "I can't tell you how many times Wily has told me I'm useless, that I can't defeat Megaman, and that I don't belong anywhere. And then this guy just comes along and hugs me, and he meant it, and I felt so appreciated!"

Authorities aren't sure what Woodman was doing in the forest, but they were more than willing to let the matter drop.

"Goddamn dendrophiliacs," said Captain Chalmers.

BON BONNE LEARNS NEW WORD

Family joyous, until…

By Ludwig

GESSELSCHAFT—It was a joyous day for the members of the Bonne pirate family as their youngest member, Bon Bonne, learned a new word other than his trademark "Babu".

Until now, the giant black and gold…thing…has communicated only by variations of "Babu", kinda like a Pokemon. Bon Bonne has ravaged the globe with his brother Teisel and his sister Tron and their army of Servbots, little Lego people who can't pilot ride armors very well. However, with the addition of his new word, Bon will be able to instill even more terror into the hearts of his enemies.

"I'm so proud of him!" Teisel Bonne reported enthusiastically. "Bon's been sort of a late bloomer, but now that he's finally coming into his own, only great things can be in store for this family! The world will quake for fear at the mention of the name Bonne!"

Teisel and Tron gathered in a room with Bon to hear what he had to say to them.

"Vol…nutt," Bon pronounced slowly. "Volnutt!"

"It was very scary," said Servbot 15. "One minute Master Teisel and Miss Tron were very happy, and then there was all this screaming and yelling. Master Teisel sounded like he did that time he got his hand caught in the garbage disposal. I think they threw Servbot 12 out the window again."

"AIEEEE!" commented Servbot 12.

FLYING SAUCER MECH IS SO "LAST REBELLION"

Get with it, doc.

By the Experts

SKULL CASTLE—Fashion expert Danielle Saunders has issued a report via popular style magazines condemning Dr. Albert Wily and his out of date sense of aesthetics.

"It's like, so totally inexcusable for him to still have that same haircut after all these years," writes Saunders. "And like, if you look really closely at instruction manuals you'll see that his hair gets longer each time. He hasn't even had a HAIRCUT since he started this new job of his. Also, look at that atrocious lab coat! I mean, come on! The mad scientist look was popular in, like, the 80s…no, the Nevers."

Saunders also goes ahead to criticize Wily's mechanical creations.

"What is wrong with him, making all of his robots men? What's wrong with women? He is WAY behind on the times. Women OWN this world. If he ever wants to take over the world, he should start by becoming a woman.

"And finally, like, what's his big deal with flying saucers? Ok, let's like, take a look here: crazy hair, stupid lab coat, flying saucer…this guy is definitely an alien. I mean, how else can you justify hiding yourself away in a bunch of castles and launching wars to take over the planet? I say he's an alien commando from Planet Mars. Or at least Mercury. And it's not like his flying saucer deal gets him anywhere. I mean, look at how many times Mega Man has so totally trashed him! He's used that same design over and over, too. What's his obsession with skulls? Me, I say it's because he's studying them for his Martian master, but I don't have proof yet. Anyway, that flying saucer look is so last rebellion. What the world needs is a new Wily, a fresh Wily, one that can strike terror into people's hearts anew and can thus sell more game copies! And no more of that skull-saucer thing. 'Look at me, Mega Man, I'm a big floating bone!' is just not going to cut it anymore."

When Wily saw the article he promptly issued a counterstatement, saying quite forcefully that Cutman cuts his hair quite frequently, that the lab coat look is very "in" among scientists of any kind, and that his skull emblem is his "baby" and by God he's sticking to it.

"Look at him, look how stubborn he is, denying life-saving fashion tips!" Saunders shook her head in disbelief. "Is he like, insane or something?"

DUO CAN'T BELIEVE HOW SHITTY EARTH GOT

Talk about letdowns.

By Kou Cao

TOKYO—Alien robot Duo returned to Earth yesterday, arriving just three days after Eurasia devastated the planet, and promptly issued a statement declaring that he "couldn't believe how shitty the place got in just sixty or so years."

"I swear to God," the destroyer of Evil Energy said in disbelief. "I leave you people alone for a few years, and this is what you do to the place!"

Duo, a massive sentient robot with strange powers and an even stranger mission, came to Earth during Dr. Wily's 8th Robot Rebellion to destroy the Evil Energy Wily was using in his mad schemes. After the fall of Wily Tower, Duo healed the stricken Mega Man and departed for the stars. His return has gone mostly unnoticed, since everyone he knew is dead and X and Signas are busy rebuilding the shattered planet, which suffered the wrath of the Sigma Virus after the mercenary Dynamo corrupted space colony Eurasia and brought it on a crash course with Earth.

"When I left, everything was nice and happy," Duo grumped. "There were leaves on the trees, birds in the air, and girly-men in blue underwear keeping the peace. Now girly men in blue armor still keep the peace, but they've obviously done a shitty job of it, because this place looks like a meteor hit it, or something."

"Well, all right," the giant robot decided. "I guess I'd better find Zero and heal him back to heath. And on the way I should see if I can learn anything about that Starbucks franchise. You can't tell me THAT'S gone, too. …Right?"