CAPCOM SEARCHING FOR INNOVATIVE WAYS TO FUCK UP X7

CAPCOM JAPAN—Capcom Entertainment recently released a statement confirming what many already suspected was the truth: the company is busily hunting for innovative ways to fuck up the next game in the Mega Man X series.

The tradition of fucking up X games started last year with the release of Mega Man X5, the fifth chapter of the series, which until then had been seasoned with decent gameplay and some semblance of effort. The first three games in the series, released on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, are still considered by many to be classics in the action category and even now are a blast to play. X4 through X6 have been released for the Sony Playstation, and while X4 was clearly well planned the executives decided they wanted something different. Capcom responded by brutally fucking up episodes 5 and 6.

The Capcom tradition has always been to run with a formula and the company is eagerly seeking out people to help them ruin X7, the series' first 3-D installment on the Playstation 2.

"It's a lot harder than you'd think to create a shitty video game," an R&D man informed Odessa. "You have to get all the right people, including a 2-year old to write the plotline. But let's face it, the Megaman series isn't about plot, it's about ACTION and LEVELS! And who better than a platoon of hungover helper monkeys to playtest the levels?"

Capcom also has been straining its brain to create the staples of any Megaman game: the eight new bosses. Taking after Megaman X5 when the bosses had different Japanese and English names, Capcom has come up with Gusto Crustacean (American Name: Mr. Lobster) and the deadly Viral Sabre (American Name: Herpes). Also appearing will be Geddon Frigolvo, a humanoid Maverick with "gangsta appeal" (American Name: G Dawg the Frig). Finally, as a cruel joke, Capcom is thinking of throwing in Stutter Scourgemonkey (American Name: Dubya) who attacks by throwing Dick Cheney's pacemaker around.

Capcom also seems very intent on including Dynamo, a character added in X5 who may be the very embodiment of the Spirit of Suck that lays on the last two games, mostly because he can be defeated with anything up to and including a garden hose.

The question has risen as to whether or not this new tradition is in Capcom's best interest. Ever sense the company redirected its Effort department to Megaman Zero, fans of the original series have become somewhat…disgruntled.

There is still no confirmation as to whether or not Zero will be in the game, but the latest reports indicate that Hell is still quite unfrozen, so gamers can probably count on the Crimson One's presence.

IRIS TAKES TEEN MUSIC WORLD BY STORM

EVERYWHERE—Former Maverick Huntress Iris has been taking the world of popular teen music by storm with her new hit single, a remix of Avril Lavigne's "Complicated" in which Iris bitches at Zero for screwing everything up.

Iris, formerly a conservative Reploid with almost schoolgirl innocence, traded the traditional girl next door look for the one Britney Spears created, much to the enjoyment of rabid fanboys everywhere and much to the dismay of Commander Zero, who's reputation has been seriously tarnished now that everyone and his brother knows he blew up his girlfriend.

"Wife beater!" the world is shouting, even though the two were not married. "Abuser!"

"She tried to kill me!" the golden haired Commander protested futilely to the masses. The world's females tossed their hair in haughty unison and said "Like that matters," making perfect sense, as only females can do.

"This game series has seen too many subservient women in typical female roles!" Iris herself declared in a private interview. "But I will prove that ALL women can be as slutty and therefore rich as they want to be, not just the ones designed to be that way!"

Parental advisory units, upset by the message Iris is sending, made a last minute appeal to her brother and fan club president Colonel, who politely told them to go screw a wall socket.

"She's bringin' in the dough," Colonel explained with a simple shrug. "I'll never have to work again now that my sister's famous."

"Iris and the G.G. Dolls" go on tour next Monday. Tickets can be purchased at ticketmaster.com or in the usual shady back alleys.

BASS ACTUALLY IS A FISH

NEW TOKYO—Investigative reporters have come forward with startling evidence that indicates that Bass, Dr. Albert Wily's deadliest Wilybot, is in fact a fish, despite the title of Red Draco's famous fanfiction story.

The evidence was provided by Bombman, who witnessed Plantman, a Wilybot skilled in administering first aid to downed field soldiers, work on Bass after he was badly wounded during another futile duel with Megaman, the champion of peace and neighborliness and smiley faces. Plantman opened Bass up to fix his internals and promptly recoiled with a shriek.

"There's a fish!" Plantman is reported to have sputtered. "It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fishy!"

"Sure enough," Bombman insists, "when I goes to look inside, what does I sees in dere? Sure as shit in a sewer, there was a fish sittin' dere in Bass's chest cavity pullin' on levers an' stuff ta make 'im move and talk an' all dat."

"'Ay mate!" snapped Marty the Mad Marlin. "I'm workin', here!"

According to Bombman the marlin, whose inexplicable Australian accent leaves investigators baffled, has been controlling Bass from the beginning via a control center inside the robot's body. In return Wily supplies the marlin with a never-ending supply of fish food. The terrible Bass, if Bombman is correct, is really just a puppet controlled by Marty the Mad Marlin, which would for the first time make a fish the most dangerous creature on earth.

"I always knew there was something fishy about him!" said a chortling Megaman, whose bad jokes would have already gotten him executed if he weren't so useful.

As news of Bass's duplicity spread, the rest of Dr. Wily's creations came forward with secrets of their own. In a startling count, twenty-six of the Wilybots turned out to be squirrels, who were thought to have been vanquished during the terrible War of 2022. Perhaps the greatest surprise of all was Hardman, who turned out to be a rutabaga. Finally Treble, Bass's faithful pet, turned out to be of all people the animagus Sirius Black in armor.

"Those stuffy Ministry blokes'll never find me here!" Black declared jovially.

X HAS NOVEL IDEA: START GAME SERIES STARRING HIM

HUNTER HQ—Megaman X, tired of getting shoved out of the spotlight, decided to make a series of video games starring himself as the protagonist.

"It will be completely different from the Megaman X series," Megaman X said excitedly. "It will be all about me, and my battles with the Maverick barons and my character development."

Many quickly argued that the Megaman X series was about Megaman X, and why did the blue ingrate need another series? But experts agree that the Megaman X series is not really about Megaman X at all, and focuses more on the characters of secondary protagonist Zero and major villain Sigma.

"The old bald guy and the man dressed up like a woman get more attention and respect than I do!" X said peevishly. "I've done enough for this world that I deserve some decent recognition and by thunder I'm gonna have it! I'll make the game myself if I have to."

X was quickly asked who the main antagonist would be in his story. "Someone cunning," X answered just as quickly. "Someone ruthless. Someone who players would love to see in action. Someone like…Zero!"

Plot analysts all agree that despite the hypocrisy of having Zero in the game at all, having him as a villain would be a marvelous twist that would invite fans of the old series while presenting a respectable villain to new recruits.

"It's a fantastic idea, which is precisely why I didn't use it," said a Capcom executive, who then got back to fucking up X7.

In X1, X was pretty much on his own, and in the end he turned out to be a fairly generic character while the public threw themselves at the heroic, confident Zero. In X2 the whole purpose of the quest focused on saving Zero, kicking X from the limelight. In X3 Zero was somewhat playable, and everyone who played the game hated the time they spent playing X because they were only using him against their wills. In X4, Zero's cutscenes revealed his deep character background. X's cutscenes focused on the bad guys. In X5 people just forgot about X. In X6 they were forced to play him at the start but Zero's speedy return foiled X's comeback quickly. In Rockman Zero, X was COMPLETELY smirched, only appearing as a villain of all people.

"The day is mine!" X declared to his fanbase. "The tables have turned at last!"

When asked about X's attitude, Zero said that he pitied his comrade. "So he wants to be a hero. Let him. He has no idea how many times he's gonna be brutally killed off, does he?" the constantly resurrected Crimson Hunter had to ask.

MTV AWARDS LIGHT/WILY WIZARD BATTLE

WILY TOWER—The MTV station's annual award for Best Fight Scene in a movie went this year to the duel between intellectual wizards Light the Gray and Wily the White inside Wily Tower from this winter's smash hit The Lord of the Widgets: The Fellowship of the Widget.

The scene takes place as the good Light enters Wily Tower to confer with his trusted comrade Wily about the danger of the One Widget, which is all the Dark Lord Sigma needs to unleash his Maverick plague upon the world.

"One Widget to rule them all…One Widget to find them. One Widget to bring them all, and in the darkness…I'm sorry," Light the Gray finally conceded. "I can't do this with a straight face."

Unbeknownst to Light, Wily the White has already sold out to the Enemy, and a battle breaks out that involves a lot of pointing and falling down, mixed with constipated old man noises.

"It was definitely the most wicked thing I've seen all year," said judge Darrel Scott. "At one point Light goes 'RAH' and Wily goes 'AHH' and then he like, falls, and there's blood everywhere even though you can't see them hitting each other. I just can't wait for the next movie, because Light comes back as Light the White. Dude, his name even rhymes! You know he's gonna kick ass if his name rhymes."

Another notable scene from the film was the Council of Cain, where world leaders gathered to decide the One Widget's fate.

"It must be taken deep into the heart of Chicago and cast back into the fires from whence it came!" Dr. Cain declares. "One of you must do this."

"One does not simply walk into Chicago," protests Colonel, whose people have held Sigma at bay all these years. "The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with 10,000 men could you do this!"

"Well we've only got 9," said Megaman X, after volunteering. "So we'd better start thinking now."

The next film features comrades X and Zero inside Chicago guided by the treacherous Vile, who also covets the Widget. Stay tuned for future coverage!

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I've been asked about letters to the editor. First I need the letters. Ask a question in a review or email me at megjust3@aol.com and I'll see if I can think of a weird answer for the next issue.