Blast From the Past, Chapter 5
"And then he kissed me on the cheek and left." Ashley slumped back on the couch, her arm draped over her eyes. Megan cooed.
"Aww… that's such a sweet dream."
"It wasn't a dream, Megan. It couldn't have been." Megan's eyebrow rose, and Ashley sighed.
"It had to be. I watched Jimmy practically carry him out to the truck after he started moaning and groaning in his sleep. He never even looked at the stairs. Like he would have been able to get up them and tiptoe into your room anyway. He was still completely wasted." Megan shook her head. "It was a dream, Ashley." Ashley looked up at Megan.
"So I have no real reason to feel better about this then." Megan looked confused. "If it had actually happened, and he really did miss me, then I'd have nothing to worry about if I ever ran into him. But if it was a dream, I'm back at square one." Megan reached out and gave Ashley's knee a squeeze.
"You don't have anything to worry about. I mean, honestly, what's the worst that can happen? He'll reject you and nothing changes from the past ten years. You've gotten along just fine without him." Ashley shook her head.
"Yeah, but only because the chance was still there. Facing him and being rejected means there's no possibility. It's all over, and nothing I can do will change that."
"So that's why you're so worried," Megan added, and Ashley nodded.
"If I just keep avoiding him, I'll never be rejected."
"But you'll never know what could happen, Ash. I mean, for all you know, he does miss you and want to get back together. You'll never know unless you face him."
"But I'll never have to risk getting rejected again, either," Ashley insisted. Megan gave up, leaning back in her seat.
"I guess you've made your call then, Ash." An unsettling silence ensued until Megan cleared her throat. "So how's work?"
***
Nick threw the book across the room with a growl. This was going absolutely nowhere. Everyone knew the suspect was guilty as sin, but no one had anything to prove it. He rested his elbows on the table and dropped his head into his hands with a heavy sigh.
"No luck, huh?" Warrick asked, leaning against the doorframe.
"You got anything?" Nick replied, refusing to look up and give himself away.
"Maybe. Sara's tracking down a lead right now. Might actually get somewhere with it."
"Yeah?" Warrick nodded. "Sweet."
"What's with you lately?"
"Nothing, man," Nick said quickly, rubbing his forehead and tossing a quick reassuring grin to Warrick. Warrick rolled his eyes.
"You're transparent, Nick. Something's been bothering you lately. Everyone's noticed it."
"Can this wait?" Nick whined, glancing around. "I trust you, man, but I don't trust everyone here with everything I'm dealing with right now, okay? I mean, if Greg knew, everyone would know." Warrick nodded knowingly.
"Beer after work?" Nick groaned.
"No beer for a while. Overdid it a bit."
"Superbowl?" Nick nodded.
"We can grab something to eat after though, yeah." Warrick agreed and left the room, leaving Nick with his thoughts.
***
"So she just blew into town after ten years expecting to hook up?" Nick shrugged.
"From what Jimmy said, she just came out here to spend some time with Megan. Make a little change. Evidently, she didn't know I was here, or that's what she told them anyway." Warrick's eyebrow rose, so Nick continued. "About a month after I first moved here, she called and left a message on my machine that she wanted closure or something."
"You didn't tell her you were leaving?" Warrick asked, a little shocked. Nick grimaced.
"No, not really. I mean, I just had too much to deal with. I just wanted to get away from everything and start all over. She was part of the problem. Or at least I thought so anyway. She would have come with me, but I didn't want any link to the past at all, so I didn't tell anyone." He took a breath. "Then I ran into Jimmy and Meg at a restaurant one night, and Jimmy and I ended up working things out, but I never even tried to work it out with Ashley."
"So she didn't come here looking to get back with you."
"I guess not. And I haven't seen her at all. She's been dodging me just as much as I've been dodging her." Nick sighed and leaned forward. "It's like if I don't face her, the problem doesn't exist. All the what if's and everything are completely irrelevant." Warrick studied him for a second.
"So tell me something." Nick nodded and picked up a fry to play in the fallen salt on his plate. "Would you want to work things out with her, if you knew it wouldn't end up getting ugly, or would you rather just forget about it?"
"I don't know." Warrick's eyebrow rose.
"You don't know?" He snickered. "You wanted to marry the girl and you don't know if you want to give it a second chance?" Nick just looked at him. "Christ, Nick. Listen to yourself. You gotta handle this. At least try to talk to her about it and get that off your chest or you know you'll have to live with the guilt of letting her think it was all about her for the rest of your life. Think about it, man." Nick nodded.
"Yeah, I guess."
"You guess? You better be damn sure, or you might just miss out on the best second chance ever," Warrick warned. Nick nodded, his jaw tightening. Warrick was right, and Nick knew it. He just didn't know if he could face her after ten years of letting her think he hated her.
***
Nick took a few steps up the walk and stopped, wiping his hands on his jeans for the umpteenth time since he stepped out of the Tahoe. He sighed. Dammit, why was this so hard? He shook his head and turned, walking quickly back to the Tahoe, but turning back toward the house as soon as his fingers touched the door handle.
"Fuck it," he muttered to himself, rushing up to the door and ringing the bell before he could change his mind. Jimmy answered and stepped back, surprised.
"Nick, what are you doing here?" he asked, glancing over his shoulder quickly.
"Hey, man. Is, uh…" He swallowed, wiping his hands again. "Is Ashley still here?"
"She's in town, but she's not here." Nick's brow furrowed.
"Shit."
"Nick, what's going on?" Megan asked, stepping behind Jimmy to grab Nick's arm and pull him inside the house. "Have a seat. I'll get you something to drink," she said over her shoulder as she went into the kitchen. He fell into the couch and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. She returned a few moments later and handed him a glass of iced tea, which he set on the end table without drinking. "Why are you looking for Ashley?"
"I just wanted to talk to her, that's all," he said. "Why am I getting the feeling y'all want me to leave her alone?" Megan and Jimmy looked at each other. "Why do I feel like you're protecting her from this?" He stared at them, but no answers came. "Tell me something."
"Nick, I just." Megan stopped and sighed. "I don't know if she's ready for this yet."
"Christ, Meg. It's been ten fucking years," Nick yelled, standing up quickly. "I don't think I'm ready for it, either, but it's about fucking time to deal with this."
"You're not talking to her like that, Nick," Jimmy said quietly. "Not in that state." Nick shook his head. "You can't really think you can handle it when you can't even handle talking to us about talking to her, do you?" Nick dropped back onto the couch.
"I'm sorry, Meg," he said quietly. "I just wanted to get this over with." He sighed. "I'm sick of it hanging over my head. I can't think about anything else anymore. Just her. What I did wrong. What could have been different. Hell, everything would have been different." He rubbed his forehead. Megan reached for the pen and paper pad on the coffee table and wrote something down, then handed him the paper.
"Calm down on the way there, and talk to her," she said, meeting his eyes. He took the paper from her and looked at it. All that was there was an apartment address, he guessed Ashley's new apartment. So he nodded and stood.
"Thanks, Meg." He looked at Jimmy. "I'll call you on the way back." Jimmy nodded and watched him leave.
"I can't believe you," Jimmy said quietly. Megan just looked at him.
"What are you talking about?"
"You're gonna let him go talk to Ashley in that mood? C'mon. Ashley doesn't think she's ready to see him again, much less that side of him." Megan reached for his hand and intertwined her fingers with his.
"He isn't pissed off Nick, he's passionate Nick. He wants to work this out, and he's in the mood to right now. That's why he was so upset – his plan to work it out with her had a kink in it, and he didn't expect that. And she's ready to work it out no matter how much she says she isn't. Don't worry, babe," she insisted. He forced a smile.
"I am though."
"It'll work out just fine," she reassured, kissing his cheek.
***
Nick looked at the paper in his hands and back up at the door in front of him. Then he looked at his watch and back at the paper. Back at the door. Back at the paper. He sighed.
"I can't do this." He turned around and went out to the Tahoe, just sitting in it for a good five minutes. A light came on in a window above him and his head snapped up. He got out of the truck and went up the stairs again, raising his hand to knock before he could think twice. He heard the locks turn and the door handle twist and click open, and watched the door open, almost in slow motion.
***
Ashley sighed and turned the television off, sitting in the darkness for a few seconds before finally getting up and heading into the kitchen. She had been hungry for the past hour, but didn't feel like getting up and fixing something to eat. She filled a pot with water, added a bit of salt and set it on the burner, twisting the knob. After staring into the cabinet for a while, she pulled out a box of linguine and tossed it into the water, watching it start to boil. She heard a knock at the door and swore. Megan really did worry too much. She unlocked it and pulled it open, stifling a gasp as she took a few steps backward.
"Nick." He just looked at her, his head cocked to the head only slightly. She stared back, her mouth hanging open. The corners of his lips turned upward only slightly, and she regained her composure. "What are you doing here?" She tried to keep her voice from cracking, barely winning.
"Can we talk?" he asked quietly. She nodded without thinking, opening the door wider to let him in. He walked past her, his eyes darting around, taking in her new home.
"Sorry about the mess," she said quickly, closing the door. "I haven't really been in the mood to get serious about unpacking yet." He laughed slightly. "I've got some pasta cooking. Are you hungry?" He shook his head and settled on the couch. She sat down slowly on the cushion furthest from him, staring at her hands in her lap.
"Ashley—" She looked up at him, then back down at her fingers. He sighed and leaned back. He just looked at her for a while, taking in every change he'd missed. Her hair was a little shorter than he remembered, and her face was just a little fuller. She'd lost the girlish look about her. He'd missed watching her grow from a young woman into an adult, and it hurt him for some reason. He turned on the couch to face her and saw her glance in his direction without looking at him. "I'm sorry."
"Shit, the pasta," she exclaimed, jumping up and running into the kitchen. He followed her, watching her pour the pasta into a colander in the sink. She grabbed a washrag from the cabinet and wet it, wiping up the boil-over mess on the stove. She stopped and turned to him. "Why did you come here?" she asked boldly. His eyebrow rose.
"I wanted to talk."
"What about?"
"Just to talk," he said, growing uncomfortable. "Work things out."
"As in…?"
"As in get the air cleared." She shook her head, silently asking for clarification. He sighed and looked out the window. The Tahoe seemed to call him, but it seemed so far away. He was beginning to feel cramped in this little apartment, like it was infringing on his ability to breathe. "Why I left, why I didn't tell you…" he trailed off.
"You left because of me and that's why you didn't tell me," she snapped, turning back to her pasta. He watched her shift it to a bowl and pour some olive oil over it, then reach into a drawer and toss a fork into it.
"No." She looked up at him.
"Well, that's what you've let me think for the past ten years." He opened his mouth, but no words came. "You knew that's what I would assume. Anybody would. I mean, someone disappears after a misunderstanding and doesn't bother to tell you, what else would you assume, right?" He just stared at her. He hadn't been prepared for her to be in attack mode. Memories came flooding back in flashes. He couldn't keep the smile from breaking through. "And what the hell are you smiling about?" she demanded. He shook his head slightly, still smirking.
"Your accent always gets heavier when you're pissed off."
"I don't have an accent, Nick. Wipe that smirk off your face." He watched her eat her pasta quietly, and they played "Watch-me-until-I-watch-you-back" for a while, until she sighed heavily. "Just say what you came here to say, Nick." He took a breath.
"I didn't have an agenda, if that's what you're implying," he said slowly. She just looked at him, and he couldn't read her expression. "Ashley, I had a lot going on in my life, and—"
"And I was getting in your way," she interjected.
"Will you let me finish?" The words were out more forcefully than he would have liked, but it was said now, and he couldn't take it back. She jumped a little. "I'm sorry, just let me say this." He sighed. "And I couldn't deal with the pressure of living up to everyone's expectations of me. I just had to start over and live my own life. I wanted a fresh start."
"And I wasn't included in that. You didn't want me in your life anymore. I understand that, Nick." He shook his head. "What do you want me to say, Nick? It's okay? Well, it's not. I forgive you? Well, I haven't yet." She watched him shrink. "I don't know what you want from me. What exactly did you come here for?"
"I don't know, Ashley. Okay?" He ran a shaking hand through his short hair and sighed, trying to calm the butterflies in his stomach. "I was just hoping that—" he stopped, frustrated. He couldn't say what was on his mind; just couldn't get it out.
"Hoping that what, Nick?" she demanded.
"I don't know." He emphasized every word. They stared at each other for a while. "I just wanted to straighten this out." She didn't say anything, so he cleared his throat. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Ashley."
"Well, you did." Her words were cold. He felt like he'd been slapped in the face. She avoided his eyes, so he just watched her for a while. He heard his Tahoe calling him again, so he just nodded and walked to the door, pulling it open and pausing. He looked back up at her. She was still standing in front of the sink, staring at her pasta, which had to be cold by now.
"You look great, Ashley." She looked up at him, and he could see the tears in her eyes from where he was standing. "Better than ever." He forced a small smile before closing the door behind him and moseying down the steps to his truck. She watched him through the kitchen window, finally letting the tears break free. It wasn't supposed to have happened this way. A soft sob escaped her as she heard the engine start and watched the headlights come on before he pulled away and was gone.
***
Ashley sighed and rolled over in bed to look at the clock again. Only five minutes had passed since the last time she looked, but the morning sun was beginning to shine through the shades. Thank God she didn't have to go to work today. She groaned and rolled back over onto her side to stare at the wall. Her face crumpled as the tears threatened, but she took a breath and pushed them away. She shook her head and closed her eyes. No, things were not supposed to be like this. She shouldn't have pushed him away like that. Not so violently, anyway. She let one tear slip and couldn't fight the rest.