Well, this hasn't happen in a long time, but after watching the episode, my brain immediately started writing this and there was no way I was going to be able to sleep tonight without finishing it so here you go. Trigger Warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts. Not too in detail or anything, but there is a brief discussion.
Carina had been busy with the party in the barn for a while, enjoying seeing all the adorable kids in their costumes and finding her thoughts drifting to what their baby would be dressed as for Halloween next year.
With each passing day, she was beginning to feel more and more like she was maybe actually pregnant. She had been wanting to take a pregnancy test, but like she told Vic, she didn't want to do it without her wife, so she had been forced to wait. Her period wasn't due for another two days, but she had been so hungry and she just felt different. She wasn't sure if that was pregnancy or the fact that she was beyond exhausted from not having her wife home with her for almost a week, but she told herself when she dragged her tired body out of bed this morning that she would be optimistic today. She was choosing that, and it was beyond hard, but she was so tired of being sad.
She wasn't big on Halloween because it wasn't something she had grown up with, but it was fun to see all the little kids in costumes and to watch them with their parents. After about an hour and a half, she noticed they were running low on candy at one of the tables so she offered to go get more candy before heading upstairs to where she knew there was some Andy had hidden earlier.
As she headed upstairs, she couldn't help but wonder where her wife was. She knew Maya said she was going to go home, but Carina thought that she would have at least come and said goodbye. However, she could also see from the look on the blonde's face earlier that she was beyond beat and knew that the atmosphere in the barn probably would have been a lot for her. Maya was incredibly good at interacting with the public, hence why she was such an amazing captain, but when she was worn as thin as Carina knew she was, Maya craved quiet and order and the barn had none of those things tonight.
As she kept thinking about Maya, she remembered she had left a load of her laundry in the dryer. Not wanting to let the clothes wrinkle, she quickly abandoned the bowl of candy, knowing that there was still plenty downstairs and if not, someone else could come grab more. She headed into the locker room, heading the shower running. She was a bit confused as she pulled the clothes out of the dryer, thinking that everyone at the station was downstairs. However, just as she was about to go hand Maya's button downs up, she heard the unmistakable sound of someone crying.
This wasn't just any cry, however, this was a cry she knew, the cry of her favorite person in the whole world, and it wasn't just a cry, but a heartbreaking sob. She quickly dropped everything she had been holding, running into the shower room.
"Maya," she called, approaching the shower stall that was closed, "Bambina."
She received no response so she took a deep breath, slightly worried as to what she was going to find behind the curtain, before pulling it back.
"Oh Bambina," she sighed, seeing her wife sitting on the floor, half her clothes on, the other half thrown around the shower stall.
Carina went to climb into the water with her when she almost shrieked at how cold the water was.
"Bambina, why are you in the freezing shower?" she asked, quickly turning off the spray.
Maya just held her knees to her chest, sobbing.
"Ok," Carina said, sitting down next to her, ignoring the fact that she was getting wet, "Maya, I'm right here."
As she went to wrap her arm around her wife, she noticed her lips were blue as were her fingertips, Carina letting out a small gasp.
"Ok, we need to get you out of this shower," Carina said, standing back up, her worry for the woman in front of her increasing ten-fold.
Half of her wanted to run downstairs for help, but she wasn't sure that was the best idea right now.
"Maya," she tried again, trying to get her wife to cooperate with her so she could at least get her out of the freezing shower and into something warm, "Come on. Please. Let's go to your bunk."
Maya just continued to cry, not showing any sign of hearing her. Carina was getting both frustrated and worried so she tried the last thing she could think of.
"Lieutenant," Carina said in the most authoritative voice she had in her at the moment, breathing a sigh of relief when Maya at least looked up at her, "Maya. Hey. Are you ok?"
"Carina?" Maya said, still crying, "Wh…"
"It's ok," Carina said, carefully leaning down and helping her wife up, "Let's get you warm and dry, ok?"
Maya nodded, tears still flowing down her cheeks, though now that she was out of whatever trance she had been in, her teeth were chattering, Carina quickly grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her.
"I'm sorry," Maya mumbled, not sure what else to say.
"Shhhh," Carina said, "It's ok. Whatever it is, it will be ok. But right now, we need to get you warm, si? Can I help you take off your wet clothes?"
Maya nodded, looking down and seeing she was still wearing one book and sock, her pants, and her bra. She had very little memory of stripping anything else off apart from her sock and boot, but she must have at some point.
"Ok," Carina said, starting with the bra which was the easiest.
It wasn't lost on her that the last time she had seen her wife naked had also been in this bathroom, though under very different circumstances. She pushed those thoughts aside for the moment, bending down and loosening her wife's boot.
"Can you lift your foot, My Love?" Carina asked.
Maya went to, but as soon as she shifted her weight onto her bad ankle, it all but buckled under her, the blonde crying out in pain as she just about fell to the ground, Carina catching her before she did all the way.
"What's wrong?" Carina asked, worry only increasing again.
"My ankle," Maya said, fresh tears welling up in her eyes, though these ones were from physical pain rather than emotional.
"What happened?" Carina asked, gasping as she saw the bruising and swelling on Maya's exposed ankle.
"I hurt it on the call," Maya mumbled.
"Ok," Carina said, this only increasing her questions, but Maya was shivering more now so she kept her priority on getting her wife warm, "Can you make it to your bunk?"
"I need help," Maya said, not looking at Carina.
"Of course, My Love," Carina said, making sure the towel was secure before wrapping her arm around her wife, carefully supporting a lot of her weight as they made their way to Maya's bunk, "How about you sit in your chair so we don't get your bed wet?"
Maya nodded a little as Carina pulled out her chair, the blonde sitting down.
"There we go," Carina said, crouching down once again to get Maya's sopping wet boot and sock off, not completely sure what to even do with it because of how wet it was, opting to toss it in the corner to deal with later.
She then carefully undid the belt and buttons on her wife's pants before helping the blonde stand once more, pulling the pants down and helping her step out of them. "I am going to go get you some clean clothes," Carina said.
"I don't have any," Maya mumbled, wiping at her eyes, "Maybe Vic or Andy has something I can…"
"I washed all your laundry today while you were out," Carina said, "Everything's clean. Do you have anything in particular you want?"
"You…you washed my clothes?" Maya asked, confused.
"I did," Carina nodded, "I can't have my wife walking around smelling like old cheese. I pride myself on being a very clean person and having a wife who stinks does not support the image I am trying to portray here."
Maya cracked a small smile through the tears that were once again streaming down her cheeks, Carina smiling back. Carina quickly walked out of the bunk, going to the discarded bucket of laundry, deciding to bring it all with her, having forgotten to actually find out what her wife wanted to wear.
Just as she was about to walk back toward the bunk, Vic saw her.
"Hey, I thought you were getting us more candy," the younger woman said, walking form the beanery into the locker room, "Wait, why are you all wet?"
"Maya needs me," Carina said, "She's not ok."
"What?" Vic said.
"I don't totally know what's going on," Carina said, "But I need to be with her right now. Could you do me a favor though, and grab her stuff out of the showers and put it…I don't know? Somewhere?"
"Sure," Vic said, very confused still, "Do you need anything else?"
"I don't think so," Carina said, already heading back into Maya's bunk, laundry basket in hand, "Thank you."
Vic nodded as she headed into the bathroom while Carina went back into her wife's bunk. Maya was shivering pretty hard at this point, tears still streaming down her cheeks and past her bluish colored lips.
"Ok, My Love, let's get you warm," Carina said, digging around in the bucket for some underwear, long workout pants, and a long-sleeved t-shirt.
She helped her wife get dressed, making sure to help her balance as she stood up to get her pants on, helping her over to the bed once that was done so she didn't sit back on the wet chair.
"Can I have your sweatshirt?" Maya asked quietly, confusing Carina, "One of your sweatshirts is in there. Can I have it?"
Carina hadn't been paying much attention when she did the laundry earlier, but as she dug through, she found one of her Grey Sloan sweatshirts mixed in with her wife's things, helping Maya put it on. Maya was still shivering, though some of the normal color was starting to return to her lips.
Carina pulled an extra blanket off the end of the bed, wrapping it around her wife before going over to her wife's laundry, rummaging around before finding things she knew would fit her, quickly changing before going back over to her wife.
"Can I look at your ankle again?" Carina asked.
Maya nodded a little biting her lip as Carina carefully knelt down in front of her, pulling a warm sock on her uninjured foot before picking up the injured ankle.
"What happened?" Carina asked, unsure she wanted to know.
"I jumped and hurt it," Maya mumbled.
"I think you might need to go to Grey Sloan for an x-ray," Carina said, gently pressing on the injured joint, her wife hissing as she did so.
"It's just a sprain," Maya said, "It's the same one I sprained at the Olympics. It just needs compression, elevation, and ice. I don't want to go spend tonight, one of the busiest night of the year, in the ER. Please?"
"For tonight, fine," Carina agreed, knowing her wife was right, the ER on Halloween was something she had been roped into her first year at Grey Sloan and swore to never do again, "But if it looks bad tomorrow, we are going in."
"Fine," Maya compromised, her ability to fight all but gone tonight.
"I am going to go grab a wrap from the clinic supplies," Carina said, "I will be right back."
The Italian once again left the bunk, quickly going down the hall and into the room where they kept their supplies, grabbing what she needed before heading back to Maya.
"Ready?" Carina asked, kneeling down again.
Maya nodded, wincing as Carina carefully wrapped the bandage around her ankle, securing it before standing up.
"Can we go home?" Maya asked very quietly.
"Si Bambina," the Italian nodded, "Let's go."
Carina grabbed her bag from where she had stashed it in her wife's locker before they headed downstairs, Carina praying they didn't run into anyone on their way out. Luckily, everyone was distracted enough with the party that they managed to escape without anyone noticing. Carina blasted the heat in the car on the way home, hoping to maybe help rid the last of the chill from her wife's body.
The ride was silent, their hands linked together on the console for the first time in a long time, though Maya just stared out the window, clearly not fully present. Carina had no idea what had happened tonight, but she knew it couldn't have been good if her wife was voluntarily coming home and also breaking down in the shower.
They arrived home, Carina helping Maya up to their apartment, the blonde not even fighting her about the elevator which worried Carina almost as much as the breakdown.
They made it home, Carina helping Maya into bed before going to do a few things. She locked up the apartment, grabbing a few extra pillows off the couch and an ice pack from the freezer before going back into their room.
"I know you are probably still cold Bambina, but we need to get some ice on that ankle, just for a little bit, ok?" Carina said, carefully pulling back the blankets on the end of the bed.
Maya nodded, allowing Carina to prop up her injured leg and get the ice in place before the Italian covered her back up with the blankets.
The Italian disappeared again for a moment, only to come back with two extra blankets, piling them on top of the chilly firefighter before crawling into bed next to her, wrapping her arms around her wife.
"Do you really think you might be pregnant?" Maya asked quietly after a few minutes, Carina a bit startled because she figured her wife had probably fallen asleep.
"I don't know," Carina said honestly, "I feel different this time, but there is also a lot going on right now so I can't tell."
"Did you take a test yet?" Maya asked.
"I did with Vic at the station about 5 days ago," Carina said, feeling her wife tense up, "But we didn't look at it. I couldn't. I wanted you there with me when we find out if we are going to be moms. I don't want to do it alone."
Maya was silent again and Carina worried she had made her angry until she felt wetness dripping onto her arm, realizing her wife was crying.
"I was so stupid tonight," Maya said quietly through broken sobs, "You asked me earlier how I hurt my ankle and I didn't lie, but I didn't tell you the whole truth either. I jumped off the base of the Ferris wheel after I climbed up it to scout out the corn maze and then almost fell off of it when the power surged and then I ran into the maze to get the kid and his dad who I could see from the Ferris wheel, but I didn't have backup and we got surrounded by fire and we almost didn't make it out but we did and I thought that would make me feel…I don't know…less like a failure, and it did for a little while, but then we got back to the house and Theo said that I might be someone's mom right now and that I needed to stop acting like I had a death wish and I didn't really believe him until you said you might be pregnant and then…I felt like I was failing our baby before we even know if they exist and I'm failing you and it's all just…I'm so tired Carina."
"I know," Carina said, absorbing everything she had just head, trying not to get too angry about it in this moment because that was clearly not going to help anything, "I know you are. I'm right here, ok? You aren't failing us, ok?"
They both cried together for a while before Maya spoke again.
"I am failing you both though," she said, voice so quiet, Carina could barely hear head, "I am because Theo wasn't wrong. I have been running around like I have a death wish…because…because sometimes it feels like if that happened, if it happened while I was saving someone, that I wouldn't be such a failure. That I would be worthy of respect again."
"Maya," Carina said, voice breaking as she heard this confession, feeling all the food she had been so voraciously eating all day threaten to come back up, "Bambina, no."
"I'm sorry," Maya cried, "I…I just…I think you were right…There is something wrong with me…I need chaos and I create it all around me and I don't know how to stop it."
"Oh Bambina," Carina said, pulling her wife as close as she could, ignoring the propping up of the ankle she had done.
"I'm sorry," Maya sobbed, clinging to her wife tightly, "I'm so so sorry."
"We will get it figured out," Carina whispered into her wife's ear, "It doesn't have to be like this. We will get you help. It can stop, ok?"
They both just clung to each other for a long time, tears pouring down their cheeks and even once they tapered off, they didn't move.
"Bambina," Carina asked after a few minutes, "Can I ask you some questions? And I need you to be very very honest with me, ok?"
Maya nodded, picking her head up off Carina's chest.
"Are you thinking about doing something to hurt yourself right now?" Carina asked, trying to keep her brain and voice in doctor mode for the time being, knowing she needed to know these answers.
"No," Maya said, "No, I would never…no…I'm not…I'm not suicidal Carina."
"But Bambina, you are," Carina said, "Maybe not actively, but you thinking that dying would be better than living…"
"I wouldn't ever hurt myself," Maya said adamantly, "I just…I take bigger risks than I should sometimes and I…oh."
In that moment, it dawned on Maya what she was saying and more tears welled up in her eyes.
"Why am I so broken?" she sobbed, "Why are you even here? You should go. You don't deserve someone who is this messed up. You should…"
"Maya, hey, shh," Carina said, pulling her back to her, ignoring her wife's protests, "You are not broken, ok? Do you hear me? You are no broken. You have some parts of your brain that are sick, but there are ways to get them healthy, and you are not broken."
"I'm so sorry," Maya sobbed, "I'm so so sorry."
"You do not need to apologize for that, My Love," Carina said, rubbing her back.
They stayed there for a while, both of them crying some more, just needing to be close.
"I will get help," Maya said after a long while, not moving her head from its place nestled under Caina's chin, "I…I promise I will get help. I don't want to keep doing this to you."
"I am glad you are going to get help," Carina said, rubbing her back, "But I want you to get help for you. I mean, I would love to have my healthy wife back, but I want you to want to get better for you, because you deserve to not feel like this all the time."
"I don't know if I believe that," Maya said, too tired to filter her words anymore, "I just…"
"I know," Carina said, "I know it's hard. Maybe for right now, can you at least believe that I believe that you deserve to feel better than this? Does that sound like something you can believe?"
"Maybe," Maya said, still not totally sure.
"Ok," Carina said, deciding that for tonight at least, that was alright. It wasn't perfect, but it was a start. "I will call Diane in the morning," Maya said.
"How about we email her tonight?" Carina asked, part of her extremely worried that by tomorrow morning, Maya's walls would be sky high again and things would be back to where they were before.
Maya nodded and together, they wrote an email to Diane Lewis before putting Maya's phone away and laying down, both of them extremely exhausted.
"If you need me tonight, please, please wake me up, ok?" Carina asked, "Even if it's just to help you get to the bathroom so you don't hurt your ankle?"
"Ok," Maya nodded, eyes extremely heavy, "I…Thank you for staying. I am so sorry for how things have been and I just…"
"Let's save this conversation for tomorrow," Carina said, knowing neither of them had it in them to get into that can of worms tonight, "But you don't have to thank me for staying. I am so in love with you Maya Deluca-Bishop."
"And I am in love with you Carina Deluca-Bishop," Maya said, leaning in for a kiss.
They cuddled together for the first time in a long time, knowing they still had so much to sort through and that this was so far from over but finally, both of them were able to rest in each other's arms, and for tonight, that was enough.
What did you think? I have many thoughts about this episode which I will happily discuss on Twitter because I am trying to keep this a place just for my writing, but I will say that Danielle Savre deserves all the awards for her acting this season and I know there is more to come. Never not impressed with her work. Also, if you are ever feeling like Maya and need to talk, I've been there before and my DMs are always open. Anyway, thanks for reading.
Hit me up on Twitter if you want to discuss the episode more: musicgirl1120