Not very far away from Merlin's home, there was a castle - a castle that held a young man named "Arthur" and his wife "Guinevere". Arthur was a humble, loyal man who practiced using swords, daggers, maces, lances, and other kinds of weaponry. He wanted to prepare for both expected and unexpected battles that may occur on the English land. Guinevere loved Arthur ever since she caught sight of him on the fields in one of the counties of England.. After they got married, things have been different for them… well, in a positive way, of course. Except for one thing: as anyone who is interested in or obsessed with Arthurian lore, Guinevere usually had someone else she fell for: Lancelot. Often, when Arthur is off to get some milk, bread, or water, she would look out the window and call Lancelot to come inside the giant castle. She would let the bridge fall down so that he can walk right in and go up to her room. It was hard to get inside without someone supervising the palace, since the moat had dangerous, hideous crocodiles and piranhas that have been breeding ever since some idiot thought that the moat wasn't effective enough already. Guinevere would just hang out with Lancelot and sometimes kiss him… on the lips!
"Ewww," I can hear you five-year-olds saying. "Kissing on the lips?! What kind of a story is this?" I'll tell you what it is: a Monty Python rip-off. Actually, no, it's an original story that is based off of a ridiculous store-brand cereal from Walmart. No holy grails, no Trojan rabbits, no killer rabbits, nothing. This is a stupid tale that I just wanted to make up. You're probably just sitting on your Garfield pillow with that grin on your face saying, "Ha ha ha! This is preposterous!" as if this story isn't supposed to be. Now, shut your mouths, sit on your bums, and listen to the rest of this tale.
Arthur also hung out with a friend named Gawain, who was a bold knight that practiced waving his sword every afternoon for many preparations, i.e., battles on the English field. Gawain usually got carried away with swinging weapons, so sometimes he spent too much time focusing on how much power he had. Also, there were mace dents all over the chickens' coops after the cause, much to the owners' disgruntled emotions. Gawain had dreamed of being the King of England, not just because of how proud he was, but because he could play with his weapons all day and no one would dare to pay attention to the King's antics. You can't make this up!
One day, after the Sun rose from the top of the mountains, there was fanfare music playing while the King rode on his horse all the way to the village. His servants on their horses were playing bugles for dramatic effect, just like how every king would expect. The problem was, the bugles were starting to irritate the horses, and as an effect, they galloped forcefully in zig-zag directions. The King and his men were trying to hold on, only for the men to still be playing blaring music. The horses got more annoyed as they ran, bumped, and jumped all over the place to get the servants to stop the obnoxious noises. Finally, they pulled forward and ejected their riders all the way into the castle's hard stone wall. "SPLAT!" went a cartoony like sound as the King and his servants collided with the cobble. "Ouch…" they all said in unison. The worst part was that all of the villagers across the area have witnessed the King's humiliating demise. Some were shocked, some were scared, and some children were laughing at the King. "Ha ha ha! It made a cartoony 'SPLAT!' sound!" they yelled. Their parents firmly scolded them for their behavior, but not after asking them, "What is a 'cartoon'? Kiddies, this is the Middle Ages, so act like you are in the Middle Ages!"
After the King and his slaves… I mean servants (slaves, of course, can't enjoy working for someone)... got somebody to open the bridge so that they could avoid the dangerous moat, the King raised his hands to declare an announcement.
"People of England, I must give you some important news about this palace! Unfortunately, I can not stay King for any longer!"
The people didn't know how to feel about the situation. Should they be sad? Scared? Excited that there will be a new King? Laughing? (That was sarcasm, kids. Don't laugh at other people's misfortune, regardless of what cartoony sound they produce.)
"Because of my old age," said the King, "I will have to retire to that little house across the road over there. You know someone can't stay King forever, right?"
"Queen Elizabeth - " shouted a stupid young boy.
"Enough!" the King hollered. "No interruptions during this declaration! Anyone who dares to disturb the King shall be fined 1,000 pounds!"
And so the stupid young boy lost his college funds and planned donations to the children's hospitals. (See why people would be excited about a new King?)
The King continued. "I will choose any person who wants to be the ruler of England from the crowd. Raise your hand if you want to be King!"
Only a couple of the people did the action.
"Really?" the King asked. "Only a few? Come on, being King is like a heaven's dream! You get to eat lamb chops, potatoes, cheese, cats, ham…"
"Did you say cats?!" cried a little girl.
"Shut up!" ordered the curmudgeon. "I eat what I said I'll eat! I was just making things up, but I guess I was thinking of a cute kitty-cat during that awkward moment. Anyway, whoever raised their hands, please step up and show yourself to everyone how excited you are to be King!"
Arthur and Gawain walked up to the King and turned to face the crowd.
"Ugh, Gawain? Seriously?!" said the King out loud to thousands of folks, and for Gawain himself to hear.
"Fine! I won't be biased. I genuinely want to understand which one of you wants to be King more."
"I do!" Arthur and Gawain shouted simultaneously.
"No, I'm serious!" the King bellowed.
"We are, too!" said Arthur and Gawain.
The King looked at his servants, put their ears to his mouth, and whispered, "We've got to do something. Tomorrow, we'll get them ready to fight each other, and then we'll see who's King. Just remember that."
The servants, in disgust, wiped the King's slobbering saliva off of their ears and were sick of the King not controlling his mouth when he talked.