A strange disposition. Her fingers ran cold and she apologized for it as she cupped his cheek. His face is wet and warm with tears yet he smiles. She scooted closer. Her thumb gently wiped his tears away. An old conversation with friends made its way to the front of her mind. Jealous but well intentioned. An important detail she never noticed in him until she noticed it in her. The memory settled back to where it came from when his smile faded. He pulled away and sunk his head into his palms.
"You're not supposed to see me like this," he murmured.
Her hands were now back together, intertwined. She was rarely in the giving end of comfort. "What am I supposed to see?" She regretted it the moment it left her lips. That's not very comforting now, is it? What did people do in these situations? Should she place her hand on his cheek again? What did he do when she cried?
"I don't know." He sniffled and leaned against the sofa. "Anything but this."
Elsa watched his face as he stared at the ceiling. His dark lashes stuck together. His ears, cheeks, and nose flushed rosy pink. He rubbed his eyes again. On the coffee table, their laptops dim on their own. Elsa decided against the habit of waking them up. Instead, she leaned against the sofa next to Tadashi. She purposely bumped her shoulder against his which he reciprocated. He laughed and she glanced at him. He was still crying.
"It's okay," Elsa said. She took his hand and he instinctively caressed hers. "And you've kinda seen me through worse so…this doesn't scare me."
He laughed again but it came out like a sob.
Tadashi's playlist ended half an hour ago and most of their labmates already went home, leaving them in the silence of each other's company. His knit cardigan hung neatly on his computer chair, her gloves laid on their worktable. Two unfinished mugs of cocoa sit next to the laptops, cold and forgotten (even if they know better not to leave liquids near electronic devices with such abandon). Elsa fights the urge to leave, silently reminding herself that she didn't do that anymore. At least not with him. She watched his thumb trace the lines of her palm. His hand is much warmer than hers.
"It feels ungrateful," he said quietly, almost a whisper. "Feeling this way."
She hummed. "What are you feeling?"
He intertwined his fingers with hers and she squeezed his hand slightly. Tears still dripped from his eyes though his breaths were calm. He looked down and pursed his lips. He winced as if it hurts to admit it.
"I feel…tired."
She's familiar with that answer, all too well. "Do you…do you want to talk about it?"
Tadashi shook his head and closed his eyes.
"Okay," Elsa said, despite the voice in her head (that suspiciously sounded like Anna) protesting to push for more. Instead, she shifted so that Tadashi could lean against her shoulder and almost immediately he curled up against her. She wrapped her arms around him, a hand brushing through his hair. For the first time, he looked small and somber next to her.
Tadashi Hamada—life of the party, kindness incarnate, spreader of joy—was crying in her arms. And the privilege of being trusted this much welled up in her throat. His weight against her made her more aware of this. His hair is so soft under her touch and he is so warm. She closed her eyes and rested her chin on his head. She came to slowly understand what Honey Lemon said to her all those months ago.
'You and Tadashi are two sides of the same coin.'
How often did he cry like this? How often did he allow himself to feel this much? How often did he let go?
Did he let his friends and family know?
Tadashi cleared his throat and pulled away and Elsa found herself missing his weight. He rubbed his neck. Without looking at her, he stood up, "I'm…I'm gonna wash my face."
"Okay," Elsa said, eyes following him as he left the room.
She rubbed her face then stood up to clear out the coffee table. After setting aside the laptops, the notes, and the mugs of unfinished cocoa, she procured two glasses of water. She sunk into the couch and stared at Baymax who stood by their worktable. Even without power (and despite being literally a robot), his round eyes are full of empathy somehow. The blueprints and sketches sprawled in Tadashi's lab were designed under the same care and empathy. Giving, giving, giving. Something clicked.
Tadashi took a deep breath before entering the room. For the first time since they met, he avoided her gaze. He quietly sat next to her. His face felt fresh but still puffy and rosy. He rubbed his neck. She had tidied up in the few minutes he was gone and he sighed.
"Here," Elsa offered a glass of water which he accepted.
He took a sip then looked into the glass as if it was the most interesting thing in the room. "I'm sorry you had to see me like this," he said to the glass.
"Dashi," Elsa frowned.
"I really am. I'm supposed to be strong," Tadashi furrowed his brow. He set the glass on the coffee table. "And I don't really have time to feel this way. We haven't finished our project, finals are coming up, I gotta help Aunt Cass with taxes, I have a thesis to defend and—"
"You are strong," she turned to fully face him but he looked away. "This doesn't take that away from you. You're allowed to feel tired, Dashi. And not just physically tired. You don't have to apologize for that."
He wanted to shrink.
He wanted the ground to swallow him whole. Just temporarily. Just enough to serve again.
Why does he feel so heavy? How long has he been carrying this weight in him? He doesn't know. He doesn't want to know. Or maybe he does and simply does not want to face it right now. He just wants to get over this.
"But I can't—" Tadashi's words ran out the moment his eyes met hers. Immediately reminded of who he was talking to. Who he cried to. Who had cried to him multiple times yet is one of the strongest people he's ever met. She offered him a small smile and he wanted to cry again. He can't remember the last time he felt so much. He can't remember the last time he let himself feel so much. Was it selfish to pour his heart out to her? Is it ungrateful to feel this way? Is it fair to want to be taken care of for once? Does it matter? She placed a cold hand on his cheek again and he leaned into it.
"I'm sorry," he said. For what? He wasn't sure.
She shook her head. Elsa wrapped him in an embrace and tears dripped down his face. She rubbed circles on his back and leaned her head against his. She smelled like chocolate and faint perfume. Her white sweater, soft and fuzzy, warm and safe. He tried to move to avoid ruining her sweater with his tears but she held him tighter and he melted, pressing his face against the crook of her neck. He sobbed and trembled.
She whispered, "It's okay. It'll be okay. I'm here for you."
A/N:
I'm so nervous about this, especially the second part and the ending. I'm not sure if I delivered the emotions and mood well but I'm so tired of making him cry so here it is. Let me know your thoughts, perceive me KDSJKFDSJKSH
I hope that my characterization of Tadashi makes sense bc I haven't seen/read other works that paint him in such a way. The emphasis is always on his positive and useful traits. How he's always there for everyone, how he always knows what to say or how he's the best person ever. While these are true (though we mostly know him through Hiro's eyes and there's a possibility that Hiro puts his older brother on a pedestal), he strikes me as someone who chooses what he shows to people (so people won't worry about him) and someone who will put other people's needs ahead of his and someone who gives good advice but doesn't follow his own i.e. staying up late working. A bit of a savior complex, if you will (which is typical for an Asian household's first born child lol). strong"Two" by Sleeping At Last/strong gives a good introduction to this characterization.
Originally, this was going to be more straightforward with Elsa and Tadashi having a whole conversation about what was bothering him (and how it ultimately connects to his grief over his parents, his upbringing, his responsibilities as somewhat of a parent-figure to Hiro, his subconscious equation of service = self-worth) BUT I had to reel it back bc this is Tadashi's emfirst/em cry in front of Elsa. He's tired and a little embarrassed. Elsa's out of her comfort zone. It wasn't going to be a therapy session. It won't be a big revelation. And he probably doesn't know what's wrong deep down to begin with unlike Elsa who has a pretty good grasp of what's wrong with her LMAO Just a good ole cry and comfort. The caretaker needs some taking care of, too !
Extra: can't stop thinking of STAYC Seeun's sweater at this event (look up: 221009 I'll BE THERE STAYC SEEUN focus / 아비데얼 스테이씨 세은 직캠 on Youtube) so I gave it to Elsa.