My Future Son-in-Law Can't Be This Dense!
Forward: I didn't think I would post another story on this website again, after all the technical bugs I kept dealing with. But something reeled me back in!
That something was an incredibly entertaining story by Mallobaude entitled "My Abominable Monster Classmates Can't Be This Cute." In case it wasn't obvious already, I HIGHLY recommend this story. As a quick intro to the story for those unfamiliar with it, it is set in an alternate universe of RWBY in which the main cast has been kidnapped by Salem and transformed into horrific Grimm/Human hybrids. Juan-Arc, a prospective hunter, is eager to begin his training at Beacon, only for a freak accident to send him to Salem's Grimm Academy, where our quartet of savage monster girls await!
Now, before you all dismiss this as the cliche premise of 90% of the smutty anime that exist, let me assure you that the story is far more than that. The story has an incredibly well-done mix of humor, non-smutty romance, and a serious story. I ended up binge-reading the story the second I found it.
Anyone who knows me knows that I love writing parodies, and the highest compliment I can give to a story is me writing said parodies of that story. Naturally, if you have not read Mallobaude's story, I encourage you to check it out before you read this, otherwise a lot of the jokes probably won't make sense. If you have ready his story, ENJOY!
Legends. Stories scattered through time. Mankind had long grown quite fond of recounting the exploits of heroes and villains, forgetting so easily that all were remnants, byproducts of a forgotten past.
Salem's past had certainly been forgotten by most. Once a regular, mortal girl, the gods had cursed her with immortality after she had dared to defy them in trying to resurrect her lover, the one reason she had to live in that world.
Now, over the many centuries, even her love for her husband, and the love she had for her children had dimmed, leaving her cold, empty, and alone.
And so, she made a new family!
Yes, it was true. Even after all those millenia, Salem had never quite lost that motherly instinct. Of course, her relationship with her husband's reincarnation wasn't all that great…and she wasn't likely to remarry anytime soon, but that was no problem for someone with her powers.
Using her army of grimm and human lackies, Salem found various young children throughout the world to reshape into her adorable sons and daughters. Of course, the kids would have never recognized her as their true mom in their human form, so Salem had lovingly transformed them by warping their minds and bodies in the pool of destruction.
Now with the hybrid bodies of Grimm and humans, Salem had an entire army of children to call her own. It did her black heart so proud to see just how savage and evil they had all become.
And yet…it wasn't enough! To Salem's shock, she found that there was still one thing she craved more than anything in the world. Something that had been robbed from her when her first daughters had been killed.
She needed grandkids!
Fortunately, she had imbued her children with all the passions of humanity AND the bloodlust of the Grimm, a perfect combination!
Only…
…
Male Hybrid: I wish to murder you and mate with you in that order!
Female Hybrid: Not if I murder and then mate with you in that order first!
Male: AWWWW!
Female: AWWWW!
*Decapitate one another at the same time*
…
…for SOME reason, she hadn't been blessed with hoards of cuddly hybrid grandkids, and it didn't look like her current family would begin the baby-making any time soon. Things were looking hopeless until-
Jaun!
Normally, the mere presence of a human not aligned with her cause would have made Salem go into murder-mode right then and there, but this human…Salem inhaled deeply through her nose…he was special. The MANLY physique, the RAW power…if ever there was the perfect stud to impregnate her daughters, HE was the one to get the job done!
Salem had wasted no time when, through a freak mixup, Jaun had ended up transferring to Grimm Academy rather than Beacon Academy. To the extreme confusion of all her human minions (except Tyrion), she had ordered that Juan NOT be executed on the spot and instead IMMEDIATELY get assigned to a dormitory where all the BEST girls were waiting with open wombs. Salem had drawn up shipping charts, begun ranking her various daughters on a special tier list, and strategically placed all her Seer Grimm throughout the school so that she could monitor ALL the action.
Soon, the grandbabies would be hers!
Only…there was one slight teensy-tiny itty-bitty little problem…
Juan-Arc, the studliest human specimen fate had practically handed to her on a golden-blonde platter, a naive teenage boy with RAGING human hormones, the PERFECT breeding stock for her daughters, the VIRILE specimen of MANLY testosterone, the ultimate receptacle of baby-making sperm…
…was a completely and utterly dense blockhead!
It wasn't exactly like the boy had a lack of admirers! Quite the contrary! Thanks to Salem's manipulation, she had made sure to make Jaun-Arc seem like the absolute most badass Grimm Hybrid in the entire school. Rather than suspecting him for his lack of Grimm parts, Salem had spread the rumor that ACTUALLY Juan was SO STRONG that he could maintain a human disguise indefinitely. Naturally, this led to many of her hybrid daughters thinking Juan was an apex predator, the perfect alpha with which to sire a pack of grandbabies for Salem to cuddle and snuggle.
It was no secret that hybrid grimm and human children had virtually no sexual restraint, so why hadn't Juan impregnated anyone yet?
Salem examined the various wax figurines she had created to represent Juan and her daughters before picking up the one representing Ruby. She was currently ranked as an A-class waifu on Salem's tier list. Sweet, caring, affectionate, a fully functioning womb, TWO horns, what more could a boy want? Ruby, for her part, had practically glued herself to the boy when he had first arrived! Only whenever she tried to get his attention…
…
Ruby: Juan, you're the nicest, kindest, strongest, and smartest companion I know! I just want to hold you close, and lay in bed with you, and snuggle you, and cuddle you, and vigorously rub my horns against you, up and down up and down in and out in and out because I LOVE you!
Juan: Ah, thanks. I like you too, FRIEND!
Ruby: Friend?
Juan: Yep! You're a great buddy to hang out with, and it's also nice when we sleep together.
Ruby: You mean sleep together or…sleep together?
Jaun: *Laughing* Oh Ruby! *Ruffles her hair* You said the same two words twice! Whelp, I'm going to sleep now! Good night, FRIEND! *Passes out without so much as looking at Ruby*
Ruby: Nooooooooooo!
…
That…had been painful to watch. And unfortunately, Ruby was not nearly assertive enough a hybrid to simply press Juan down and have her way with him. Now Weiss on the other hand…Salem picked up the figure representing her…she was nothing if not domineering. True, she only had one horn, but she used it to such great effectiveness. Surely, she would have been the one to coax out Juan's horn…only…
…
Weiss: Juan! I am hungry both physically and sexually! You will immediately escort me to the kitchen where you will proceed to cook me eggs whilst fertilizing my own!
Juan: But wouldn't we need a rooster if we want to fertilize your chicken eggs? And why would you even want a chicken egg to be fertilized if you're going to cook it? I guess if you're wanting some fried chicken I could cook that for you instead. Or heck I could even barbecue one for you. Does that sound good?
Weiss: I have completely forgotten what secondary motive drove me to demand breakfast from you and am instead entirely intrigued by this strange and wondrous concept called "Barbie Q."
Juan: Barbeque.
Weiss: SILENCE SLAVE! You will immediately stuff me with this Barbie Q chicken you speak of!
Juan: Sure, what are FRIENDS for?
…
If only her precious little ice-queen unicorn could think with more than her stomach.
Now Ruby's sister, Yang, on the other hand. THERE was a girl who was not only assertive, but completely focused. Though, admittedly, she did lack subtlety…
…
Yang: *Punches through a brick wall and jumps in front of Jaun while wearing no clothes* I'M ANGRY AND HORNY! LET'S WRESTLE AND MATE RIGHT HERE AND NOW!
Juan: *Covering his eyes* Ah! Yang?! Show some class, woman, and make yourself decent!
Yang: You're saying you don't want to violently pin me down?
Juan: Come now, I would never harm you!
Yang: And you definitely don't want to be my mate?
Juan: Well, I don't know if I'd call you my best mate, but I definitely consider us as one of my FRIENDS!
Yang: Wow…I'm not angry or horny now…just disappointed.
…
And then there was Blake…
…
Blake: *Wrapping a squirming Jaun in her tendrils* Heeeeeey Juan…have you seen enough…hentai…to know where this is going?
Juan: What's hentai?
Blake:...
Juan:...
Blake: I'm going to eat you. I'm going to eat you while you put a baby in me. *Lunges forward, mouth agape*
Juan: *Incoherent girly scream*
…
Regrettably, he had managed to escape and avoid any sort of penetration, by tentacle or otherwise. Which meant that Salem STILL HAD NO GRANDBABIES!
She slammed her head against her desk in frustration. How could her future son-in-law be so dense?! How could he have not picked up on all the hints her daughters were dropping?! Why was the only thing stronger than his huntsman shield, his virgin shield?!
It was impossible! There was no possible way any human male could be this sexually frigid. This was real life, not one of the many many many many animes she had secretly watched with tubs of ice-cream while nobody was looking. Juan HAD to have a weakness, and it was only a matter of time before he succumbed to it and banged his entire harem.
Oh what would that day look like? Salem could only fantasize…
She picked up her figurines.
"Juan-Kun," she made the Ruby figure exclaim, "daisuke-des!"
"Ooh baby, I'm gonna show you a good time tonight!" the Juan figure laughed in a gravelly voice before Salem began mashing their faces together.
"Yamete kudasai!" the Ruby figure sighed before totally giving in.
"Juan, why are you making physical contact with another woman? Not that I care or anything, baka!" The Weiss figure angrily protested, stubbornly hiding her true feelings.
"What's the matter, babe," the Juan figure replied with a wink, before wrapping his indecent, manly arms around her, "you craving my physical contact as well?"
"Hentai!" Weiss cried out, poking Juan back with her horn.
"Ooh lemme show you some real horn play, baby-girl!" Juan replied before taking both Ruby and Weiss at the same time. The Blake and Yang figures were soon jumping in on the action, each of them surrendering to their base instincts as the Juan figure proceeded to-
"Salem, you wanted to see me?" Juan called from the other side of the room.
Salem immediately threw her figures into a desk drawer before slamming it shut. Clearing her throat, she shifted into her dignified and menacing persona.
"You may enter, Juan," Salem invited, voice cold and calculating.
Juan strolled boldly into the room before fixing Salem with a steady stare, eyes filled with hatred and contempt. A brave boy. Unlike almost every other human who cowered before her mere presence, he was determined to oppose her evil.
Twin gods he was such a stud! Why if she wasn't still technically married herself, but no! NO! She had to keep it together, for the sake of her grandbabies!
"What twisted reason do you have for seeing me today, witch?" Juan accused, maintaining his hateful stare.
"Yes Jaun, YES! Give into your anger! Strike my daughters down onto the bed with all your passion, and your journey into matrimony will be complete!"
"You are quite the popular man, Juan," Salem teased, standing up so that she towered over the boy. "Already, you have attracted the attention of four of my daughters."
Juan clenched his fist.
"They are NOT your daughters!" he spat.
Ok, that comment actually hurt. I mean, how could they NOT be her beloved daughters? Sure, she hadn't physically given birth to them. Sure, she had kidnapped them from their real mothers, thrown them into a deadly pool of pure malice and destruction, and transformed them into twisted abominations. Sure, she barely interacted with most of them and left them to murder one-another in a deadly school designed to train them to do nothing but kill people and break stuff, but why on earth did any of those things preclude her from motherhood?
But of course, she didn't say any of this to Juan. Had to keep up appearances and all that.
"Perhaps," she replied with a cruel smile, "though, of course, none of them seem to be bothered by that."
"That's because you stole their life from them!" Juan accused.
Yes, Juan cared about her daughters. That was clear. He was not completely indifferent to them. Dare Salem say he even…deep down…loved them? She had to probe this.
"And why should you care about that, Juan?" Salem whispered. "Does it…upset you…that I took their humanity away?"
"They are my FRIENDS," Juan replied, fists still clenched. "And I will not rest until I remind them of everything you stole from them with the power of our FRIENDship!"
Salem internally cringed at the repeated use of the word "friend." Would it kill the boy to at least refer to them as girlfriends, for Remnant's sake! Still, there was something she could use here.
"You really think you can save them with the mere power of," she nearly gagged as the word formed on her lips, "friendship?"
"It's the power that will save my FRIENDS," Juan asserted.
Cringe! Cringe! Omega CRINGE!
"FOOL!" Salem laughed, managing to hide her spine imploding from the sheer amount of cringe. "My daughters will NEVER be saved with the mere power of a platonic relationship! And they are far too depraved even if you were to try something like ROMANCE…which I am certain you will not."
Juan's eyes lit up, clearly considering the last part Salem had suggested. Time to press her advantage!
"Yes," Salem sighed, "there is absolutely no hope for your 'friends,' I'm afraid. You will never tame them of their savage tendencies by tenderly taking them in your arms, whispering words of love and affection in their ears, gently pressing your lips against theirs, and awakening them to their inner humanity by tearing off their clothes, flinging them against the wall, and aggressively having your way with all four of them!"
"I blanked out on that last part, what were you saying?" Juan asked, looking confused.
Darn it! She'd gotten carried away. Juan's innate celibacy senses had kicked in and censored her words.
"Regardless," Salem grunted, trying to maintain composure, "you're going to need a lot more than 'friendship' if you want to defeat me and save those girls. My daughters are savage killing machines, indifferent to gestures of mere kindness or similarly weak emotions. You will need intensity and passion to break through to them! So for your sake, I hope you're willing to…commit."
"I will commit to anything if it means saving my FRIENDS! Mark my words, Salem, I will not stop until their humanity is returned!" Juan vowed.
"Close enough, I can work with that," Salem thought to herself while saying out-loud, "I'd like to see you try, foolish boy!"
"Seriously, I wanna see it! I did NOT set up hundreds of seer Grimm around every corner of this school just to watch 24 hours of nonstop unresolved sexual tension between you and my daughters every day!"
Juan left her office, Salem's suggestion planted in the (hopefully) fertile soil of his mind. And now that the seed had been planted, it was time to cultivate it.
Salem pressed a button on her desk, activating an intercom to the offices of her minions.
"Staff meeting in my office, immediately!" she commanded.
…
Moments later, Salem's staff, which consisted of Hazel, Watts, Cinder, and Tyrian, had assembled in her office. Hazel was looking impassive, as was usual, Watts was looking slightly amused, Cinder was acting like she wanted to be anywhere other than there, while Tyrian was being…well…Tyrian.
"Who shall be stabbed today, my glorious dark goddess?" the scorpion faunus implored, grinning from ear to ear while his poisonous tail twitched from side to side like a cat's.
"Rest assured, there will be many stabbings, in time," Salem replied, while adding, "Vigorous and repeated stabbings of my daughters by Juan-Arc!" in her thoughts. "Though I have called you all here for…other purposes."
"Which are?" Cinder asked.
"The curriculum for this school is in dire need of an update," Salem explained. "Starting immediately, you, Professor Fall, will be covering the following subject material."
She handed Cinder a folder, which the dark-haired girl began scanning, eyes growing wider and wider as she read.
"Sex-ed? You want me to instruct those mutants how to…mate?!" Cinder sputtered.
"It is all highly essential for my plans," Salem explained.
"And why would that be, may I ask?" Cinder frowned.
"So that my children can give birth to lots and lots of lovely widdle grandbabies that I can cuddle and snuggle and wuv with all my heart!" Salem beamed, absentmindedly knitting a little red, white, black, and yellow baby blanket.
"What?" Cinder asked, looking completely perplexed.
"So that my hybrids can effortlessly infiltrate the human kingdoms and destroy them from within," Salem repeated, smoothly stuffing the baby blanket in a drawer under her desk.
"O-kay," Cinder replied. "And learning about sex helps them in this mission…how?"
"Come now, Cinder, I thought that would be obvious," Salem replied, a condescending smile on her face. "Speaking of which, obviously since my children will be learning the basics in Professor Fall's class, they will need to practice the material. Therefore, Professor Hazel, your class will switch from combat to practical sexual education."
"...okay." Hazel slowly replied, slightly breaking his nonchalant disposition with a raised eyebrow.
"Naturally," Cinder continued, turning to Watts, "they will need the proper 'equipment' for this education. You will therefore use your scientific mind to design the following school uniforms and classroom supplies."
She handed Watts some blueprints.
"Swimsuits, wedding dresses, skimpy gym outfits…a bunch of…ahem…toys I will not mention here…" He lowered the blueprints, an exasperated expression on his face. "This is where my talents are to be employed?"
"And what shall I do to aid in your children's…education?" Tyrian asked, looking WAY too eager.
"I'm glad you asked," Salem beamed, handing Tyrian a package, which he gleefully took. "In addition to their in-class lessons, the students will be in need of…supplemental material. The contents of your package will be required reading and viewing material. You, Tyrian, will ensure that each student receives their own set of after-school material to…study."
Cinder angrily tore the package away from Tyrian before taking a look inside, face flushing a bright crimson.
"This is nothing but hentai and adult videos!" she exclaimed. "Again, I ask…WHY?!"
"Are you questioning my leadership?" Salem challenged, a dangerous edge in her voice.
"No…" Cinder replied, backing down, "it's just-"
"Splendid!" Salem replied, cutting her off. "You are all dismissed now."
Her staff filed out, some looking significantly more confused than others, or rather, everyone except Tyrian looking completely confused. Once they were all gone, Salem summoned one of her seer grimm to her desk before eagerly peering into its dark orb, a small trail of drool leaking from her lips as she anticipated all the steamy action that was sure to go down very soon.
This is what she saw.
Monday - Sex-Ed Class
Cinder: No Weiss, for the last time, there are no birds, of any kind, involved with pregnancy!
Weiss: You are obviously mistaken! I am the smartest student in this school and I have it on good authority that not only a peculiar avian creature, but also a colony of bees is involved in the process. Furthermore, Juan, second in intelligence only to myself, can confirm my assertion!
Juan: Remember kids, no hand-holding until after you're married.
Ruby: *blushing* I held his hands multiple times while he was sleeping!
Weiss: What?! Outrageous! Juan, you will immediately entangle your hand with mine until we are swarmed with bees, which will attract the attention of the snipe who carries the baby eggs in the blanket!
Cinder: *Banging her head on her desk* Why me? Why meeeeeee?
Tuesday - Physical Education
Hazel: I'm not doing this. Everyone…just…do a workout for today and go hit the showers once you're done.
Juan: *Stripping down to take a shower after a long and completely normal workout* Hmmmm…how am I going to help my FRIENDS get in touch with their humanity…?
Yang: *Peeking out from behind a shower curtain* Hey Juan, wanna help me rub this scented body oil all over my body?
Juan: Not now, Yang, I'm thinking!
Ruby: Please, Juan, Yang punishes me if I don't slather on enough!
Juan: I said not now!
Wednesday - Movie Night After Class
Blake: Heeeeeeeey Juan, remember what I said about…hentai? Well…Professor Callows gave me some great material for us to watch together. Who knows…maybe we'll even end up…*brandishes bladed tentacles* …trying it out for ourselves?
Juan: Awesome! I love watching movies with my FRIENDS. Though I have to warn you, I tend to fall asleep really- *passes out cold and proceeds to snore before the film even begins*
Blake: *Sighs* It's no fun unless they're conscious…
Thursday - Beach Episode
Ruby: Hey Juan, you wanna split a watermelon with me? And then maybe suck on my watermelons?
Yang: Hey Juan, does this ridiculously small bikini make my boobs look big? OOPS! The strap broke!
Weiss: Juan, in spite of the Grimmlands having virtually no sunlight, you will help me sunbathe by aggressively applying ALL this suntanning lotion on my bare back!
Blake: *Wraps her enormous tongue and tentacles suggestively around a popsicle she's sucking*
Juan: Girls! Girls! Don't distract me! I'm pondering how to help you all connect with your humanity since you're all my dearest FRIENDS.
Friday - School Dance
Juan: Man, it's so nice to spend an evening with all my dearest FRIENDS! Who wants to dance with me first?
*Ruby, Weiss, and Blake proceed to violently wrestle with one another for the right, while Yang leaves since she's uninterested in dances*
Juan: Ah man, I guess none of my FRIENDS want to join me. Oh well! As long as they're having fun, I can happily dance by myself!
Saturday - The Remnant Equivalent of a Christmas Party
Ruby and Weiss: *Wearing nothing but fluffy fur hats and red ribbons* Oh Juan! Wanna unwrap your presents?
Blake: Or for me to unwrap you?
Yang: *Incredibly drunk and tipsy* Oh look Juan *hic* a mistletoe! Wanna do it?
Juan: *Sigh* I just want to enjoy the beauty of this holiday with my four FRIENDS. Let's spend the entire night singing carols!
Sunday - Mandatory Strip Poker Day
Juan: Man, how did we ALL end up tieing this game?
Blake: *Just hides underneath the table, saying nothing*
Yang: *Takes a nap out of sheer boredom*
Ruby: Does anybody even know how to play?
Weiss: OBVIOUSLY you're supposed to use the cards as nesting material!
Juan: Whelp, you know what they say about building a nest of cards!
Everyone *joined by a laugh track*: AH ha ha ha ha ha ha!
…
Salem screamed into the faceless orb of her seer Grimm, fists pounding her desk into splinters with each word.
"HOW
IS
HE
SO
DENSE?!"
…
Juan carefully tucked himself under the covers of his bed, making sure not to disturb the sleeping bodies of the various monster girls who wanted to milk his seed dry. This week had been particularly difficult. Salem had clearly pulled out all the stops to make him procreate with the hybrids, for whatever sick reason that was. Fortunately, he had stayed strong! With luck, he would manage to survive this school yet, with his virginity fully intact as a side bonus.