Tommy doesn't even know why he was there in the first place. Top 40s were blasted from the Noles family's imported sound system, and so far it doesn't make the brunette feel like he belongs. In fact, it makes him feel like he's different. Nothing new; just another house party where they acted like he didn't exist.

It's been two years since San Bernardino, Califorina became some odd foreign land for self-proclaimed cool kids. The San Bernardino Elementary cluster pretty much disbanded when high school came along, and even kids who were deemed inseparable acted like they didn't even know each other. Take the Pippi gang, for example. Pippi is in the local wrestling team, spending most of his time doing part-time interviews over at the radio station and volunteering for the animal charity on regular instances. Annika's started up a band with the resident misfits, getting gigs and fuckbuddies every once in a while. Tommy imagines Annika settling for that, thinking it's the best he can get (but, he really did just let go of himself, sad to say). Tommy is still Tommy, same old. Except, maybe somewhere around middle school, people had realized Tommyrey Randell was the irrelevant member of the gang, the one who always stuck around but was never really important, and maybe around that time they all forgot there was even a Tommy Randell to begin with. The brunette couldn't care less, but maybe, in the midst of things, his younger self would. He just knew.

He doesn't want to tell his dreamy 9-year old self that the Pippi gang is long gone. Their bond is dead, now, like some unknown cluster brainwashed the other two and left Tommyrey to rot with the memories that could've never been.

But still, here he is in Willie's party, standing in the corner while he watches everything take place. The cherry slushy in his cup tasted especially sour that night, and he just couldn't wait to tell the first person to ask if he was okay the same words he said when the last person who did asked: I'm okay, I mean, deeply depressed, but I'm good.

And it's true, but apparently nobody in San Bernardino gives a shit about that, or anything else, other than themselves.

The party crowd goes wild when Annika's band heads up on the makeshift backyard stage, perched dangerously close to the neighbor's fence.

Annika was still one of the more influential people in Tommy's life, just right next to John F. Kennedy and Deborah Copper. Tommy doesn't remember how long it's been since he developed feelings for the blonde, but he's kept track of all the fantasies he's had since then. Most fantasies included kissing on top of a monster truck, some included cliché getting together scenes, and a countable few about the actual good stuff that Tommy isn't totally sure he could play out in real life. (He wasn't even talking to Annika, so how in the world is he going to coax him into fucking him raw at the backseat of a car in a Subway's parking lot?)

Anna warns them not to play anything too noisy beforehand. They can't risk disturbing Willie's parent(s), or the whole neighborhood, for that matter. Annika gives her a reassuring wink (or was it a flirty one?) before he taps the mic and exhales through it nervously.

"Hey, guys." Says Annika, his raspy voice silencing the horde. "Before we, um, play... I want to tell you first about the out-of-town show we're gonna be having... It's in Flagstaff, somewhere... We're... um, expectin' some big guys to be there, and I hope you guys support us!"

Someone in the crowd shouts out something that even Tommy found hilarious. "Fucking play! We're not running a campaign here!"

"Oh, um.." He pauses. "Summer Salt, guys. Hope ya like it." He starts to play something slow, his fingers dragging along with his guitar pick when he strums. Tommy isn't sure he's heard this anywhere, let alone have any knowledge about a band named Summer Salt. The crowd doesn't seem to know about them, either. But naturally, the girls swoon as if Annika's band were a boyband and not some random group of emo fads. They don't sound emo now, but they will. Soon enough. Tommy just knows, because Tommy knows Annika.

The riff starts to pick up a notch, and the beat starts to go quicker. Suddenly, there are people howling out in cheer. The brunette can't find it in himself to care about the band or the song, knowing too well that he shouldn't even be in that party in the first place. They've all gathered out the backyard, causing a ruckus while the rest of them, including Tommy, decided to stay inside the house and leave them be.

He's sitting down the sofa with a bunch of theatre kids, some of them inching away from him when they recognize who he is. Some don't even know the real reason why Tommy became, well, this. Most of them are just joining in on the bandwagon, pretending they know shit when they don't know anything at all. Tommy doesn't want to remember it himself, but it was two weeks before their middle school graduation, and just before they announced the honor roll, the square boy had an... episode. He didn't want to graze over the details, but long story short, something happened. Usually, when something involved Tommy it would end up really, really badly. But that's past him, now. If these people couldn't move on from that incident then Tommy can't do anything about them anymore.

He's surprised when the actual Pippi Wendle sits beside him. Tommy thinks he's mistaken, for a moment, but Pippi greets him with his usual flamboyant attitude, his full grown pearly whites shimmering in the neon darkness.

"Hey, Tommy!" He's a bit impulsive when he hugs the brunette, but he pulls out right away. "Didn't know you were here!"

First of all, why are you talking to me? Tommy thinks, but he couldn't say that. "Yeah. I thought this was bible study, so here I am."

"Funny joke!" Pippi genuinely laughs. (Or does he?) "Why aren't you out there with the other dudes?"

"I don't belong there. You?"

"Well, I don't know. I'm tired. I want chill company." Tommy rolls his eyes at this. "Like you!"

"You haven't used that excuse on me for two years now."

"But it's true! I'm not using it as an excuse."

"Right." Tommy lies.

The blonde finds this opportunity to change the topic. "By the way, Annika, huh? Can't believe he's made it big enough! Flagstaff!"

"What's so good about that band anyway? They're not so talented, and Annika's voice isn't even that wide, range-wise."

"Focus on the positive, Tommyy. They're San Bernardino's only chance on the big screen." Pippi pats him on the back. "Just trust them."

"Yeah, cool story." Tommy feigns a smile. "Call me when he's made it to CNN or National News or something."

That turns Pippi off, and Tommy can tell he wanted to walk away.

"I think you don't want me here."

"Sorry, ugh. I'm being negative." He says. "This is just too much. I mean, we're talking again. Just. Wow."

"Yeah, I know. Wow. Doesn't feel like it to me." Tommyrey bites his lips when Pippi stands up, staring Tommy down before he makes his way out. On the way, Pippi stumbles into Anna, and they look like they're actually having fun. Probably because they actually had common interests, good experiences through the years, and most definitely because Tommy wasn't there to ruin everything for them.

He loathes being insensitive, and for the fifth time this week already. He doesn't know if it's the hormones or the anger issues. He just knows he has to get out of there and go back to his mundane life of being Tommy. Not the killer, but the misfit.

He's headed to the kitchen when the band plays a slower song. It bores the shit out of everyone else, but Tommy thinks he likes it. It has a knack to it that Tommy can't put his finger onto. It sounds like something Annika wouldn't sing, but Tommy definitely thinks it's a good combo. He's spent the rest of the performance in the lonely kitchen, where he feasts on the bottle of Smirnoff he found on the fridge.

Always reminded

Of the days when

You were my

Cherry lime

Finding our own worlds getting lost

You and I

The song was hazy. Tommy could only manage to pick up a few of the lyrics, but he was alright with just listening. It sends shockwaves of relief through his chest, and he thinks this is the only good he can manage to get out of the whole night.

Old friend of mine

A blue moon's on the rise

No one I'd rather have

Beside me tonight

Annika's voice wavers slightly, but only anyone who could've listened as intently as Tommy had would be able to notice. There's a part of the brunette that wanted to believe that the song was for him.

Oh, alone, alone again on valentine

Oh, oh, oh

Alone, alone again on valentine

The guitar riffs through the wind, Annika's vocals and the instrumentals sounding one. Tommy doesn't know how it can make him feel like all eyes are on him and like he's alone in the world all at the same time.

The song stops, and he can hear the towering piles of noise when the crowd started to go back inside the house again.

He thought he could keep the whole kitchen to himself, but suddenly there are brawny jocks pooling around the table, the cheerleaders just close behind. Teresa notices him seated on the counter and giggles offensively.

Great, now Tommy had to deal with this.

He stops thinking when the group of popular kids circle around him like gangsters. There's Sasha, the cheerleader girl who was probably the lead, and behind her were the muscly quarterbacks and her diva clique. Tommy hates where this is going already. Sasha flips her hair in annoyance.

"Who invited geek boy over here?" She starts, and as if right on cue, her gang starts sputtering out in laughter.

"Stop that." Tommy says coldly. He wishes he could teleport himself out of the kitchen right now, but that would be pointless. The jocks had all the corners blocked, and there was just nowhere else to go or anyone to ask for help.

"Stop what, Tommy?" She giggles. "I'm not doing anything."

"Uh. I meant, stop trying to build up suspense and get this over with. Hit me with the usual shit. Call me a geek boy or a fag like it's the last thing I needed to hear. But before that, let me ask you one little thing: Why the fuck are you such a drama queen, Sasha?" Tommy was an outcast, but that didn't always mean he had to act helpless.

She gasps dramatically. As expected.

"But isn't that what you really are, Randell?" She backfires. "Don't think we don't know you're going around ogling on the swim team."

"I don't. You do that." Sasha's hands fly to his hair, threatening to pull.

"You don't know who you're up against."

"Oh, but I do. We've done this, like, three times now. Don't you get tired of it?"

"Fuck you." She hisses. "You're practically begging for a fight. And you're gonna get one. Right. Now."

Suddenly, Danny pins him to the fridge, raising a fist on him as Tommy squeaks in shock.

"Don't hold back, Danny." Teresa snickers. "We've got all night."

The quarterbacks cheer Danny on, making sure their shouts are low enough so that nobody else in the party hears. Tommy can only hear the sound of his heartbeat, and he'd meant to lead them on, but not to this extent.

Danny almost lands a punch straight to his face, and then another one that hits his stomach. He gasps at the pain, wallowing in the despair of their laughter. Danny backs away, and it's Sasha in the front now, staring at Tommy like he's a disgrace.

"That's what you get when you're too full of yourself, Randell!" That was loud enough not to go unheard, and the rest of the party goers fall silent.

"I wonder why nobody beats you up, then." He thinks he sounded cool when he said that.

"Still not done talking, huh?" She squints. "I thought you learned your fucking lesson."

"I've had enough of your shit, okay, Sasha? Just tell me if you want me to leave so that I can fucking do that."

"You don't belong here. Everybody knows that but you." Sasha mutters it like it's an unspoken truth. She was wrong about one thing, though.

"I know." Tommy leaves it at that. "You don't have to tell me twice."

He storms off to the hallway, having to suffer everyone's judging stares. There were whispers about him here and there, yet no one even took the liberty to ask if he was okay. He's made his way to the main door, the bottle of Smirnoff still in his hand. He flips everyone off before he slams the door and sprints to the streets. He doesn't feel any different, except now there's a shitty twist in his gut that he can't control right, and he ends up barfing on Mrs. Shoop's sidewalk just when he was three houses away from his home. He can't stand anything right now, and he just wishes everything wasn't such a mess because he knows he hasn't done anything wrong.

He's throwing the empty bottle down the road when he's feeling tipsy enough, and then he just screams in the middle of the street, thrashing around and wailing over a night gone wrong. He wishes he could've stayed home, drank some tea and went straight to sleep instead of going to a house party, hoping something good would come for him when there hasn't been anything for years. He can't cry it all out right now, but he still does. There. In the street. Still. Fucking. Alone.

He sits down on the sidewalk, covering his face with his hands even though the tears haven't come yet.

He doesn't feel like San Bernardino is shaming him. He feels like the whole world is, and he wishes he hadn't cut himself off from the meds last year, because he finds himself in the same situation he was in two weeks before their middle school graduation. Scared. Crazy. But most of all, helpless.

A hand slides down his shoulders, causing him to flinch. It's Annika who's standing above him, and Tommy honestly can't think of any other better company, or any at all.

"Jesus, what on earth happened?" He asks, his hands soothing Tommy slightly.

"What are you doing here?"

"I followed you, after ya left. God, I was worried." He helps Tommy stand up. "What did those guys do to you? Are ya hurt?"

"They just punched me in the gut. Nothing new."

"Jesus, Tommy. Take care of yourself." He sighs, pacing slowly so Tommy could catch up. "You have to be strong, especially when we're not there to defend you."

"I have been for the past two years, thank you very much."

Annika can tell that the brunette is very bitter about it. "C'mon. Don't say that."

"Why shouldn't I? It's the truth, isn't it?"

"Yes, okay? But 'm here now, Tommy. You don't have to feel so alone."

Annika's never looked so different to Tommy. Well, considering the brunette really hasn't taken the time to look at him more closely ever since they've stopped talking. Tommy's always had a bit of a crush on Annika, and stalking him on social media really didn't help with that. Annika's grown taller through the years, and his tan is starting to look less dirty and more hot. And with that hair! Heavens, it looked greasy, but with a little bit of styling it could be no less of model material. Tommy is guilty for savoring in Annika's beauty when he should be crying over their reunion.

"Yeah. Okay." He's dumbfounded. Suddenly, he can't remember about what he was whining over.

"Let me take you home, okay?"

"Home?" He blinks twice. "No. No, no. Not home. I- my parents can't see me like this. I'm like... drunk. And horny." He meant the last part as a joke, but Annika doesn't catch up.

"Drunk? Then, where are you gonna go?"

"I don't know, okay?! Anywhere but home or the party."

Annika ponders this for a bit, and his eyes light up when he looks like he's thought about something. "We can go to my car."

"Your car." Tommy doesn't think he's seen Annika in a car, but he has in a bicycle.

"We can go there right now."

"Sure. I don't have anywhere else to go." He shrugs.

"Okay." Annika sounds slightly excited that it makes Tommy feel a little queasy.

They turn back to head outside the neighborhood, in the intersection between Pippi's and Tommy's block. It's right in the middle, the rusty roofings that substituted for fences a dead giveaway. Tommy misses the place, remembers all the memories they've spent on the backyard alone. Annika halts when they're by the door. "I'll just be a minute."

Tommy gives him a tentative smile, and Annika disappears inside the house. Tommy wasn't sure why Annika couldn't have just let him in, but the brunette was sure he didn't want to, anyway. It smelled... weird. The Annikauski residence used to always reek of some air freshener scent, but Tommy couldn't even sniff anything but the invasive smell of alcohol and shame.

Suddenly, there were shouts from inside. Faint, but not enough so that Tommy couldn't hear. There were random clangs of beer bottles falling down the floor and a gasp out of shock. There were small cries and wails, somewhere around the sofa. He could hear a woman's voice, Tinona's, and suddenly he was worried. The last thing that happened was Annika shouting that he was out of there.

And he was, seconds later, grabbing Tommy by the hand and leading him to the woods.

"What happened back there?!" He tries to yank his hands away. "Annika, answer me!"

0"T's nothing."

"It's not nothing, okay? You were fighting-"

"Forget about that, where's the goddamned car-"

"Let go of me!" He hisses. "Talk to me right now!"

"Don't fucking worry about it!"

"Annika, your parents were-"

"If I tell you not to give a shit then don't, goddamnit!" He sneers, causing the brunette to pause.

He didn't have anything else to say, and the rest of the walk to the car was spent in choking silence. In the middle of a muddy clearing stood a tacky car, dull and blue but rusty on the sides. Tommy was sure that there was no way to make it work anymore.

"My car." Annika says.

"Your car," Tommy says. He's waiting to be floored, but it doesn't come. Not even close.

"Here, take a seat." Annika leads him to shotgun, opening the door courteously for him like a bellhop. The blonde was still fuming in anger, but Tommy thinks it died down a little bit on the way here. It feels greasy when he sits down, and the obscure amount of air fresheners dangling on every corner makes him want to vomit.

Annika sits down on the driver's seat, shifting his hands on the steering wheel like an enthusiastic little taxi driver asking where to?

"Okay." The blonde starts. "Let's start with you first."

"Uh. Annika, like I said, it's nothing new." He pretends to roll his eyes. "They just- those guys beat me up all the time. I like to think they're secretly hitting on me, but whatever. They just felt bad cause I make better retorts than they do."

"But... I'm glad you stood up for yourself. You should be proud of that." That doesn't enlighten Tommy, at all. It just made him feel angrier.

"What, so just cheer up? Is that it?"

"What? Tommy, no!"

"Sure, they do it all the time. Like hell I'm not proud of myself, but all they ever do is make me hate myself more. I hate them as much as I hate having to be this depressed piece of shit all the time."

"Tommy, do they even know you're on meds? Or that you're depressed?" Annika sounds worried, looks worried, feels worried to the bone. "Are they fucking crazy?"

"Oh, I've been off my meds, since last year..."

"Last year." Annika ponders. "And did your doctors approve of that?"

"No."

"Jesus Christ, Tommy."

"I know! It's crazy, but fuck. I just never felt like I actually needed them- I mean, sure, they help-"

"That's not healthy, 'kay?" He facepalms out of grief. "Suddenly I feel guilty for leaving you behind."

Somehow, that offends Tommy, even though it was meant to comfort him. He's the kind of guy who finds the fault in everything, sometimes excluding himself. But he was angry at the moment. "Oh, so it didn't feel bad to you the first time around?"

"What? Tommy, I-"

"You're just starting to feel guilty now? God, Annika, I've felt bad about lashing out on you tons of times. I've felt bad about almost ruining graduation for you and Pippi those last few weeks during middle school just because I got diagnosed with some weird mental illness I didn't want. But, you acted like you didn't know me for two fucking years, like I didn't even exist, like there was nobody who cared about me... and you're just starting to feel bad now?!"

"Don't think that, Tommy!" The blonde tries to calm him down to no avail. Annika always hated the little speeches Tommy made about feelings. Less because they were petty, but more because they were right. "Tommy, I- I had problems, okay?"

"Like I didn't. Look at the kid who got diagnosed with major depression and OCD at 15 years old. How is he so unproblematic?" Annika is ticked off by the sarcasm in his voice.

"Look, Tommyrey. The world isn't in your hands, so stop acting all big. I may not have some disorder, but I still went through tough times-"

"Yes, tough times. You had a band and twenty girlfriends plus twenty other fuckbuddies to tally on your bedpost in the past two years. How tough, Annikauski. You must be crying yourself to sleep every night."

"How can you be so fucking insensitive?! God, you have zero respect for me."

"Well then, tell me what your fucking problem is, okay? Tell me what's been ticking you off so much that you forgot you had a bestfriend who needed you by their side for two fucking years-!"

"Dad almost killed me, alright?!" Annika punches the side mirror, much to Tommy's startlement. "Sure, 'cause it's fucking Ryan Annikauski. That kid's not scared of anything! Not even a gunshot to his arm. That shit's traumatizing, but not for Annika. He's never afraid! Well, he can be, sometimes. So much that it scares the shit out of him late in the night. So much that he couldn't even look his father in the eye. For two fucking years now. But that's not as bad as getting depression, is it?"

"...What happened?"

"He didn't know the gun was loaded, tryin' to scare Tanner 'cause he was being a dick. He shot me in the arm, but he didn't know it was- I can't blame anyone else for it but me."

"What, Annika-"

"Mel's never been the same since then. Can't even last a day without downing some whiskey shit and whining about our problems or something."

"...I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't know. You don't know anything unless it's about you or Copernicus."

"Annika, I'm sorry..."

"Just forget I said anything. Do whatever you want and get the hell out of here. Just don't fucking say I didn't help." Tommy watches the blood trickle down the blonde's arm, and he wants to patch it up right away.

They stay like that for hours, looking up at nowhere while they delve in the silence. Tommy wants to say something and nothing at the same time, because he doesn't know how to apologize for what he's done, admit he's been pining for Annika for a very long time and would very much like to kiss him and tell him he wants to be friends again all at once. Annika's only been staring at him like he wanted the brunette out of the car, but Tommy doesn't feel like leaving until he finished what he started.

"Do you know who my first kiss was?" Tommy asks, wanting this to end the right way.

"What?" Annika raises a brow.

"It was Dustin Conway. Behind the San Bernardino Science Center. He said he wanted to try it out, kissing a guy. And even though I thought there were better men out there for me, I could never really tell if any of them actually wanted me. I mean, it was just a kiss. And I didn't have to beg for it; he was giving me the opportunity. So we went for it."

"Okay, why are you telling me this?" The blonde's full attention is on him now.

"I think you should know."

"But, why though?" He still sounds annoyed, but there's inquisition nestled deep within his tone.

"Because," he gulps. "I wanted it to be you."

Annika blinks twice.

"Excuse me. What, now?"

"You heard me right." Tommy can't help but relish in the feeling of his cheeks heating up. Annika's shock was priceless, but Tommy was sure he'd looked just as ridiculous, if not more.

"What, so you, you wanted to kiss me... shit. Since when has- how long has it- fuck. I'm so lost right now-"

"I don't know how long it's been. But I don't need to know that to know that it's right." He shakes his head. "No. That came out wrong." He says, but it came out correct, accurate, perfect.

"Shit," Annika mutters.

"No, I'm sorry, okay? Sorry for being like this. Sorry for being so insensitive and petty and telling Pippi that I didn't like your band-don't get me wrong, I like your band. I like the song you sang- the other one; I'm just bitter, really bitter." He adds. "And depressed."

"It's a lot to take in. Uhm." The blonde stares blankly on the gear, trying his best to face Tommy.

"I know it's a lot to take in. We just started talking again and all. But, I just needed to let you know. And it's totally fine- if you don't want to start being friends again right away." He tries to smile. He's watched a lot of romcoms to know where this is going, usually the wrong route. "If it makes you feel better, just forget about it. I'll take Prozac again, and we can be like we were when we were kids- that's fine, right? Not too much to ask, right? I'm rambling, oh God. Not making any sense at all-"

He stops talking when he feels Annika's chapped lips plop against his, and he swears he feels so ecstatic that nothing else existed at that moment. His face goes a deeper shade of red, his nose more flushed than the rest of his body (Annika had bumped their noses accidentally, and Tommy didn't know why he found it amusing). The kiss was awkward and sloppy, and everything tasted of Smirnoff and cherry slushy, and moans, just moans. Tommy doesn't count how long they've been tongue-licking each other's lips like that, because minutes, possibly hours, felt like seconds. No amount of fantasies about monster trucks or fucking on the Subway parking lot could ever equate to this. The bliss, the realness, Annika, was there.

"I thought it was just me," Annika admits post-lip smashing, and Tommy feels like those were the exact words he was going to say.

"What?"

"Jesus, Tommy. How long has it been? I think it started in middle school. Aside from the fact that you looked really, really adorable in braces.. Well, um. It was actually because I was always tryin' to be with you all the time. I thought Pippi always felt that, and I thought Breehn and the others just always felt like they had this... connection... with you. Turns out it was just me, then I asked Dustin and, hey, it really was just me."

"At least you knew when." Tommy snickers, leaning deeper into his seat.

"Oh. No, I didn't. I just kinda gave up and decided I fell in love with you then. But it was waaay before that. Dude, I thought you looked cute in an elf costume, and that was when we were 9 years old!"

"Is that why you...?"

"Half of it was because I felt guilty for not being any help. The other half being, well, that. I just thought I had to get over this petty little crush. I mean, you were so high up! How in the world was I going to get you to fucking look at me?!" He facepalms. "I made songs for you in my notebook, I dreamt up fantasy dates and getaways. Jesus, I showed you my car! This embarassing, stupid car!"

"Well, I'm looking at you now." He can't stop himself from smiling. "By the way, your car is nice, okay?"

"Ugh!" Annika rests his head on Tommy's shoulder, nuzzling his hair on the brunette's cheek. "I just love you. So fucking much!"

"Oh. My. God."

"Don't shame me. M'not used to this."

"I know."

"Yeah. You always know."

"You always know what to say."

"Aw, really?" He says, playfully circling his fingers on Tommy's collarbone.

"Yes, 'cause now I feel a hundred percent better." They sputter out in giddy laughter, thinking about making out some more.

This night could've ended in a thousand different ways, but it ended up just right. Just the way Tommy wanted it.

And this night could also continue in a thousand different ways. Maybe soon enough, they're going to find a cool monster truck, climb above it, lay out a blanket and have a picnic while they make out. Who knows? Tommy is already tracking down the nearest Subway outlet, because, yes, he's going to do it with Annika, no matter what it takes.