My name is Shirou Emiya. An average middle schooler trying to live his life as normally as he can, with his completely normal family and friends-oh who am i kidding? Everything about me is all but normal!

Let me start with me. First of all, I am the most powerful psychic in the world. Not only that. I'm also the only psychic in the world. And this is also why I'm the most powerful psychic in the world. Always has been, and probably always will be.

And it sucks!

You might ask 'BuT wHy? PSyChIc PoWeRs ArE CoOl *add random stupid face*'. Yeah, shut up and let the actual psychics talk, retard.

Let's start with the basics of the basics; telekinesis. The power to move objects with your mind. Sounds cool right? No. First of all, my version of it has three levels. Level 1, 2 and 3. 1 is the rock bottom while 3 is my peak. Let's start with the weakest; Level 1: barely able to move a human three feet above the ground or move multiple small objects, depending on their size and weight. Level 2: able to rip out a skyscraper and throw it into orbit. And finally level 3: able to throw the Earth from its orbit to the sun!

So it's either barely useful, or too overpowered to be used.

Now onto the other useless power: Telepathy. Reading people's minds is pretty useful, but not when I don't know whose thoughts I'm hearing! Basically, I can't control it, nor control its range. Meaning that I have to live my life listening to the thoughts of random people, both the good and the embarrassing ones.

Believe me, I heard crap that nobody should hear.

Useless power number 3: X-Ray vision. Now I know what you're all thinking, and no, you perverts, while I can do that, I don't, and even if I wanted to, I can't! X-Ray vision does exactly what X-Ray vision does; show me beneath the clothes… and the skin, and all the way to the bones and nothing beyond that.

I saw things a mere child should have never seen when I first discovered my powers. Ugh, the horror.

Now, I have a multitude of other powers, but it's gonna be too long to list and I don't feel like spending half the chapter explaining them. These were just examples of why my powers suck. Especially telepathy.

Because I can read the thoughts of anyone no matter who they are against my and their will, I discovered some very… interesting things about my adoptive family. Things like how my dad is a former magic mercenary killer and mom is a magical homunculus, along with our two caretakers.

Let's admit it; the whole family is made up of a bunch of weirdos. Weirdos with too much blood on their hands who were part of some war they stopped, patted themselves on the back for it and decided to adopt me to live with them.

But all this is nothing compared to the worst of them all…

'O-oh, oh yes! He's as energetic as always today!'

'Ugh… she feels good as always!'

'D-deeper… I want him to go deeper!'

'It's so big…!'

'It's too tight!'

Ugh, I wanna kill myself asap… I can't stand these people proadcasting their thoughts at 12 AM! Damn you, power of self-sustenance! I don't need to eat or sleep, but I also can't physically sleep!

I hate my life and I want it to end right now… except I can't.

What, you thought I want to live that shitty life? Wrong! I tried! I tried taking my own life many times… but it just doesn't work! Why!?

Throw myself from the highest skyscraper? I turn into paste in the ground only to regenerate unwillingly in two seconds flat.

Throw myself in space and hope I choke to death? Psyick! Turns out I can survive in space!

Dump myself inside a volcano? Guess what? The fire wasn't even hot! I actually ended up taking a swim inside that volcano, which was kinda neat not gonna lie.

Well, sometimes there are some upsides to my powers...

'I'm close, Iri!'

'D-darling, I love you! I love you Kiritsugu!'

I take it back.

Why can I hear you two when you're both halfway across the world!? I did NOT need to hear that! Even though I heard it already a thousand times or so, but still!

Can somebody just end my life right now!?