Helluvarasier

By catsamurai16

"No problem Loonie. I got burgers with extra hot sauce, just like you asked," Blitzø said as he walked towards his apartment complex. A new hamburger place had opened up near them and Blitzø had gone to get food for them. He had two bags in one hand and his phone in the other, talking to Loona.

Blitzø said, "Honestly, the place doesn't look bad. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You'd never be able to tell there was a fire. I think they actually rebuilt the place."

As he walked, he came closer to the alleyway next to his apartment. As he past, he couldn't help but notice something was off. He looked down the alleyway and could swear it was bigger than before.

"Hold on, sweetie," Blitzø said, "I think something might be up. I'll call you back."

Blitzø hung up his phone and walked into the alley. As he did, three figures slowly followed him. Blitzø looked around slowly. He could tell something wasn't right. The sound of chains rattling came from in front of him. He took a quick step back and reached for his gun. He quickly looked around him. He suddenly noticed something on the ground in front of him. He slowly moved towards it. Then, a loud chattering noise came from behind him!

Pulling his gun, Blitzø shouted, "Who's there?!"

A chain shot out of nowhere and knocked his gun away. Blitzø looked around and saw no one. He turned to his gun and saw it had landed next to the object further in the alley. He moved closer and saw it was a strange puzzle box. He picked it up and looked it over.

Blitzø jumped when a voice started speaking. It seemed to come from all around him.

The voice said, "Lament. Lore. Laudarant. Liminal. Lazarus. Levitation. These are our gifts and they are limitless."

Then, Blitzø notices that he was surrounded by five humanoid beings, each twisted and mutilated in some way. The first had no head, but a face stretched out along a metal rod where his face should be. Metal pins adorned his torso and long rods of metal were attached to his arms. The next seemed to be bound in wires and its own skin. A stretched piece of skin covered its face, making it blind. Next was one had its forearms and hands split down to the elbow with pins sticking out from its joints. Its jaw was flawed open and being held back by some kind of clamp. Most of the skin had been striped from the next one. Only its shoulders and head had skin left, except for its mouth. It clicked its teeth together quickly, making the chattering sound Blitzø had heard before. The last two stood close together. One skin had been striped, but it had the skin on its head stretched out by hooks and rods. The rods were also connected to the flesh of its neck which was sliced open, exposing its larynx and vocal cords. The last one's skin had been sliced and fastened back to its body, almost as if its skin was some kind of regal robes. Rows and rows of pins were stuck into its head. The pinheaded one looked down at Blitzø.

It said, "Solve the box and our gifts will be yours. We are the cenobites. Join us. We have such sights to show yo-" THUNK!

Blitzø threw the puzzle box hard into the pinheaded one's face. They fell back hard.

"Oh, shit!" the split armed one shouted.

"How many times am I gonna have to run you losers off?!" Blitzø shouted, "I told you, no donations, no joining up, no nothing! Now, get you flayed asses out of here."

The one with the split throat was leaning over the fallen pinheaded one.

"Aw, fuck babe. Are you all right?" it said.

The pinheaded one sat up and held its bleeding nose, "I think my nose is broken."

"Yeah?" Blitzø said, "Well, I'll break my foot off in your asses if I catch you Cinnabon freaks out here again."

"That's "cenobite!'" the split throat one said.

Blitzø said, "I don't give a shit! Just get outta here before I show you what real pain feels like."

The chattering one, the split armed one, and the skin masked one turned and bolted out of the alleyway. The split that one helped up the pinheaded one. Blitzø shook his head and picked up his gun. He checked in for any damage, then pocketed it. It was then he noticed the bound one was still there. It was moving around and trying to find the exit of the alleyway. Blitzø growled. He picked up a nearby trash can lid and threw it at it. The blind thing was hit in the back of the head. It stumbled, but found its way out of the alley.

"Yeah, get going," Blitzo said, then cupped his hand to his mouth and shouted, "And when you catch up to your dipshit friends, tell them I won't be so nice next time!"

Blitzø left the alley himself and started back home. He pulled out his phone and called Loona back.

He said, "Hey, sweetheart, I'm back. Naw, no trouble. Just those self-harm freaks cluttering up the alley again. I know, right?! Fuck, they're worse than those deadite weirdos. Anyway, I'll be up in a minute. Bye, sweetie!"

He hung up his phone and walked into the building. He walked up to the elevator and pressed the up button. He whistled as he waited for the elevator.

"Excuse me?" a muffled voice said behind him.

He looked behind him and saw a small imp child dressed in an orange jumpsuit with a burlap mask over his head. He was holding up a small orange cardboard box.

The imp child asked, "Would you like to donate to the Church of Samhain, sir?"

Blitzø rolled eyes and groaned, "For fuck sake."

He reached into his pocket and stuffed two dollars in the kid's box.

"Thank you, sir!" the imp child said and then ran out of the building.

The elevator doors opened and Blitzø stepped inside. He pushed his floor number. He leaned against the wall and sighed.

"Wait," he said, "Who the fuck is Samhain?!"

The End

and

Happy Halloween.