Sf : *innocently* Moi? Being mean to Sanzo? Since when?
Muse : Erm... all the time?
Sf : ^^;;

Reverse Psychology
Part IV : Familiar Faces

And so the journey went on. Every now and then, they could hear something like a door slamming, raised voices, occasional strains of music (to whit - various Saiyuki sounds, including the Requiem and OVA soundtracks), and the muted, but ever present sound of keys tapping.

It was all coming from above.

"Sanzo," Gojyo said eventually, after a not-so-fantastic dinner involving tofu and tofu and tofu. And 100% Natural Spring Water, with a little mud, gravel, and fish in it.

Sanzo glanced up.

"Can Muses be killed?"

"Saa na," Sanzo muttered. "No one's ever tried killing one. They can be abandoned by their owners, they die for unknown reasons, leaving the characters hanging in the fanfic without hope of salvation.."

"Why do you ask?" Hakkai said.

"I was thinking.. if we killed that Muse, we wouldn't have a problem, right?"

"Um... you did hear what Sanzo said about characters' being left hanging in the fan-fic without hope of salvation, didn't you?" Hakkai pointed out.

"So if we killed the Muse, we'd be stuck here forever?" Goku asked.

"Correct."

"Good thing you figured that out yourselves," the Muse said, sounding irritated. "It would be terrible if you had to find out the hard way. And just for that, I'm turning Hakuryuu into a horse, so you can walk the rest of the way. And squabble over who gets to ride."

"KYUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!" Hakuryuu protested.

"He's right," Hakkai said, coming to the dragon's defence. "He wasn't involved in this. There's no reason to take it out on him.."

"Really?" the Muse said. "Well, if he doesn't want to be a horse, he can stay as a dragon." There was tiny 'zing' sound.

"Kyuu!" Hakuryuu squeaked.

"What was all that about?" Goku asked.

"Thanks to our red-haired friend here, it means that we have to walk for the rest of the night to get out of this region," Sanzo said scathingly.

"Why?" Goku cried.

"Because Hakuryuu can't transform into a jeep any more," Hakkai said, smiling.

"Why not?"

"Stop asking so many questions," Sanzo sighed.

"Because.. Hakuryuu can only transform into a horse now.." Hakkai explained. "And he refuses to do that."

***

Somewhere in Hakuryuu's mind.. a Muse and a dragon were talking.

"Well, it worked, Hakuryuu-chan."

"Thank you. This way, they'll have to carry me. Rather than vice-versa."

"I wish we had thought of this earlier..."

"Oh well. If they'd been on foot all day, they'd hardly have made any progress."

"True, true. Well, I'll be off."

"It's been a pleasure to work with you."

"You too..."

***

"Poor Hakuryuu," Goku said.

"Kyuu~.." Hakuryuu whimpered.

Sanzo glared at Gojyo and stood. "Iku-zo."

"But Saaaaaaanzo, I thought we could--"

"Since we can't drive, we'll have to start earlier, bakazaru," Sanzo growled.

So they...
Walked to the left
And they walked to the right
And they walked
And they walked
And they walked all night...

Sanzo clapped his hands over his ears and glared sky-ward. "You could at least leave the cheesy songs out of it!"

***

Somewhere up, up above...

Sf : *poke* Muse, what now?
Muse : Umm.. etto..
Sf : *pours Hazelnut coffee into the Muse*
Muse : *ding*! Eureka! *lightbulb appears*
Sf : A new idea?
Muse : *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
*Furious sounds of keys tapping*

***

"HALT!" a familiar voice called.

Standing on a cliff-side, silhouetted by the pale moon rising behind, his red-hair blowing in the most dramatic fashion, was Kougaiji. He sprang down the cliff, landing lightly at the bottom. "Genjo Sanzo! Surrender the Maten Kyomen!"

Sanzo sighed. "Goku.."

"But we can't fight!" Goku said.

"If you're not going to fight.." Kougajii leapt forward, fist extended..

Goku smiled.

Kougaiji's fist slammed into the invisible umbrella just over Goku's head. "Nani?!"

"Haven't you heard?" Hakkai said. "It's Happy Families' Day.."

"I didn't have time to read the papers this morning," Kougaiji said, looking confused.

"It can be summed up as : No violence, no rude, rowdy or immoral behavior. That includes demanding that someone give you something," the Muse said, appearing suddenly in its usual nimbus. "Geez, and I sent you a notice by post..."

"I'm sorry. Lirin stuffed all the mail into the paper shredder before we could get to it," Kougaiji said sourly. "But you said 'day'. This is night time."

"To be precise, it's evening. 7:00pm is not night fall. But when I said 'day', I meant the whole 24-hour day that ends at midnight," the Muse said.

"Sou ka."

The Sanzo-ikkou suddenly found their ears full of cotton wool, and they missed everything that Kougaiji said subsequently, which was :

"But Gyokumen ordered me to regain the sutras, and it would be terrible if I played the irresponsible and irreverent stepson and disobeyed her orders, wouldn't it? Terribly bad values, those.."

"I'm sorry," the Muse said to the Sanzo-ikkou when they finished fishing cotton wool out of their ears. "But I can't afford to let you guys, of all people, hear spoilers.."

"You mean there was a spoiler that we didn't get to hear?!" Goku said. "Kougaiji! What was it you--"

The Muse waved Goku to silence. Literally. Gojyo snickered as Goku's mouth opened and shut soundlessly, and Sanzo smirked. "You know.. I think that's an improvement," Gojyo ventured. "Say, Muse, could you leave him like that?"

The Muse ignored him, and addressed Kougaiji. "I agree. However, there are ways of achieving your goal other than through force. You haven't even attempted them."

Kougaiji sighed. "Very well."

"Good luck," the Muse replied. "I'll be on my way." And vanished, without fanfare.

Kougaiji and Sanzo exchanged looks.

There was silence for a bit.

Finally, Kougaiji cleared his throat uncertainly. "Well, Sanzo.. I have a problem."

"Tell me about it," Sanzo said drily. "What could possibly be worse than trying to get to Tenjiku on foot, accompanied by a bottomless pit disguised as a saru and every bit as annoying.."

"OY!" Goku shouted.

"And a guy who smiles when everything goes wrong, flaps his hands like a chicken and generally acts like a mother hen.."

"Um.." Hakkai smiled desperately.

"And a half-breed who spends all his time chasing skirts and otherwise adds to the annoyance that the aforemention saru poses.."

"SANZO!" Gojyo growled.

"I have an evil stepmother," Kougaiji replied.

"Ah. That's bad."

"Well, see, my evil stepmother's the one who wants the sutras. I'm not so concerned about them, myself, but I need her help to get my own mother out of a stone pillar. I know it sounds ridiculous, but the only way she'll help me is if I get the five sutras for her."

"ONE MOMENT!" the Muse cried, flying down from the sky.

"What?" everyone chorused.

The Muse grabbed a huge sticker and slapped it all over the fanfic. "There you go. Carry on.."

Goku peered at the sticker. "It says..

'Warning : Alternate Universe.
Damnit, Kougaji, why did you have to go and spill the beans? You know they don't know about your stepmother in the actual series..'

"Ah."

"So, you see, I need the Maten sutra.. I can probably return it to you once she's done with it. Along with the Seiten sutra," Kougaiji continued. "So, shall we say.. can I borrow it for a little while?"

Sanzo sighed and leaned against a tree. "The problem is, I need the sutras too. What with all the youkai that come after us.."

"If you lent us the sutra, I could stop sending youkai after you," Kougaiji offered.

"Except that it's not just your youkai that's the problem. It's every youkai who listened to that stupid rumor about the flesh of Sanzos conferring immortality on the consumer."

"Oh? You mean it isn't true?"

"Quite definitely not."

"Oh.." Kougaiji looked crestfallen. "It's a very popular bedtime story in youkai circles. The youkai king and queen eat the flesh of a Sanzo and live happily ever after.."

"Another myth down the proverbial toilet bowl," Sanzo said wryly. "But that's one problem. The other problem is, if I let you have the sutras, Gyumaou will be resurrected, and then I'll have to deal with this crazy bull demon rampaging throughout the world. Not to mention that the Three Aspects will kick my ass and block my credit card..."

"Umm, yes, that is a minor side effect.."

They stared at each other for a little while.

"It's all my stepmother's fault," Kougaiji groaned.

"Agreed," Sanzo replied. "At least you don't have a mother-in-law yet."

"How do they deal with evil stepmothers in all those stories?" Hakkai asked.

"Throw water on them?" Goku suggested.

"That's evil witches, silly," Kougaiji replied. "Besides, that'll only make her mascara run."

"That might be detrimental in itself," Gojyo pointed out. "Women and their make-up, you know."

"You would know," Sanzo muttered.

"Yes, but not permanently damaging," Kougaiji said.

"Pop her into an oven?" Goku said.

"The oven would go first," Kougaiji replied.

"Oh? Is she that hot?" Gojyo smirked. "Boy, that's one--"

"No, she is not. She's that cold," Kougaiji said. "And no, you don't want to meet her."

"Ah, too bad," Gojyo sighed.

"Hm. Normally, they marry one of the daughters off to some powerful prince, who banishes the evil stepmother to the edge of the kingdom," Hakkai said thoughtfully. "You do have a sister, don't you?"

"A half-sister. But it'll suffice. But, married to.. who?"

For some reason, all eyes turned to Sanzo.

"Most.. certainly.. NOT!" Sanzo snarled.

"I wouldn't want you as an in-law either," Kougaiji muttered.

"Besides, the stepmother's the powerful one here.. concubine to a youkai king and all that," Hakkai sighed.

There was silence for a bit.

"Ummm.. could I make a copy of your sutra, then?" Kougaiji ventured.

"Haven't you heard of the Copyright Act?" Sanzo pointed at a corner of the sutra.

Copyright, property of the Creator, In-A-Time-Before-Time-Existed.
Lethal action will be taken against copyright violators.

"Don't they mean 'Legal' action?" Kougaiji asked.

"They mean lethal. Usually involves lightning bolts. Why do you think we haven't made copies of the sutras already?"

"I should have known.."

"Tell you what," Sanzo sighed. "I'll make a fake copy of the sutra for you. Then you can bring it home, your stepmother will be happy, you won't need to bug us, and all will be well."

"Until you arrive in Tenjiku to stop the Resurrection."

"It's a long way to Tenjiku. If we know that the Resurrection isn't going to take place any time soon, we're hardly about to hurry, right?"

"True, true. I'll pop home and get paper. I'll hardly be a minute," Kougaiji replied, vanishing.

"Is this where we run away?" Goku asked.

"No," Sanzo replied, going through all the motions of lighting up.. with a stick of gum instead of a cigarette. "This is where we wait."

So they waited.

And waited.

Eventually, almost ten minutes later, Kougaiji popped back onto the cliff. And leapt down.

"Why can't you just reappear here directly?" Gojyo asked. "Instead of going through that cliff nonsense.."

"I'm sorry. It's easier to aim for high places," Kougaiji scowled. "Than jump into a low-lying region and smash your face into the cliff instead.."

"Did you get the paper?" Sanzo asked, pulling out a brush and a green Zebra marker. (Don't ask where the green marker came from. I don't know.)

"I couldn't find anything that came in long sheets, except.." Kougaiji pulled out a roll of toilet paper and grinned sheepishly.

"Ahhhhh, that'll do. It's been done before," Sanzo sighed. "Hakkai, you fill in the border. I'll handle the content."

"What are you going to write?" Kougaiji asked.

Sanzo gestured at his own sutras. "A pair of wavy lines down the length of it," he replied.

"That's all?"

"Yup, that's all." Sanzo swiped the brush down the paper.

"Ano.. Sanzo, you tore it."

"Blast. Don't you youkai have any decent toilet paper?!" Sanzo pulled out a fresh wad and started again.

"Ever considered going into abstract art?" Kougaiji inquired, as Sanzo put the finishing touches on his masterpiece.

"The monks don't go for that. They prefer a lot of impressive sounding words strung together in something that vaguely resembles poetry. It doesn't have to make sense, as long as it has the right rhythm and rhymes."

"Ah, you humans.."

"Chinese poetry for you, I'm afraid," Sanzo nodded, tearing off the end of the fake sutra. "There you go. Be careful with it. It tears easily."

"Thank you. How can I repay you?"

"Stop sending all those *bleeping* youkai after us. And buy me a drink the next time we meet. Or several," Sanzo said without a pause. "And keep Lirin away from me."

"As good as done," Kougaiji nodded. "Till the next time we meet, gentlemen." He blurred out and vanished.

"*bleep*! Why can't we do that?" Gojyo demanded.

"Because it would take all the fun out of it," Hakkai replied. "Well, minna, we still have to reach the finishing line.."

Gojyo and Goku groaned. Sanzo broke out the Very-Evil-Smile...

So they...
Walked to the left
And they walked to the right
And they walked
And they walked
And they walked all night...

***
To be completed. Soon.
***

Sf : Ano...
Is that an Epilogue I see before me,
The words towards my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.
Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible
To feeling as to sight? Or art thou but
An Epilogue of the mind, a false creation
Proceeding from the Caffiene-oppressed brain?
I see thee yet, in form as palpable
As this which now I write.

Muse : OY! SF! STOP SMOKING CRACK!
Sf : I don't smoke -_-.
Muse : What sf means to say, is that the epilogue, or part V, or whatever sf wants to call it, is coming up soon. Can you believe that we've written close to 10,000 words on a single day in the life of the Sanzo-ikkou, and it isn't finished yet?!
Sf : We haven't included the sheep yet.
Muse : What sheep?
Random sheep : Baaaaa.
Muse : Oh, that sheep.