I love you, Spike. I love you more than I could ever say.
I wish to God I could tell you. I wish I could hold you freely. But I can't.
I can't.
So what can I do? What can I do?
I actually do have a few options.
I could tell you how I feel. That's out of the question, because to do that would be to destroy my own pride. You see, I have prided myself in the fact that for as long as I have loved you, I have never told you. I have never told anyone.
I could kill you. After all, I'm still the Slayer. And you? Just because I love you will never change the fact that you are a vampire. You died, Spike. You will never be human again. And that means that I cannot love you, no matter how much I wish I could. I've never wanted you to die, Spike. I almost wished it on you when you told me you love me, because I could see what was going to happen. I could see it, and it scared me. But I've never wanted you to die, Spike, because I love you.
My final option? I could curl up in a ball and die. It wouldn't be hard to die. All I have to do is surrender. It would be easy to die, and this time my friends couldn't bring me back. You know what? One of the reasons I jumped two years ago was because I loved you. I had to save myself. I loved you, and I didn't want to. I didn't want to.
Those are my options. It's kind of crazy though, you know, Spike? That I've seriously thought about this? Don't be surprised. I hate myself. Not as much as I did before, but I still do. I let you into my soul. I let you inside me, Spike, because I wanted to punish myself. I thought that if I let you have your way with me, then I would become stronger inside, because I would refuse to admit that I loved you. I thought that you would see me for what I am, and not see me as a savior. I'm not, Spike. I'm nothing. I am nothing. I am nothing, Spike, because I love you.
Being with you made things easier. It was easy for me to go to you and be in pain. You didn't want to hurt me, Spike. I know you didn't. But by being with you I forced you to hurt me. I knew that if I was with you and I never said anything, I would hurt, and the hurt would make me stronger.
But it didn't. It only made me weaker inside, Spike. It only made me weaker. Now I have nothing to live for but you. I want to be with you so badly now that it hurts. It hurts to speak to you, to touch you, to even see you. Every time I see you now I want to die.
I want nothing more than to love you freely, Spike. Otherwise I have nowhere to go. I have nothing to live for, and that makes me think about letting myself die.
It's because I love you, Spike, and that makes me want to die.
I wish to God I could tell you. I wish I could hold you freely. But I can't.
I can't.
So what can I do? What can I do?
I actually do have a few options.
I could tell you how I feel. That's out of the question, because to do that would be to destroy my own pride. You see, I have prided myself in the fact that for as long as I have loved you, I have never told you. I have never told anyone.
I could kill you. After all, I'm still the Slayer. And you? Just because I love you will never change the fact that you are a vampire. You died, Spike. You will never be human again. And that means that I cannot love you, no matter how much I wish I could. I've never wanted you to die, Spike. I almost wished it on you when you told me you love me, because I could see what was going to happen. I could see it, and it scared me. But I've never wanted you to die, Spike, because I love you.
My final option? I could curl up in a ball and die. It wouldn't be hard to die. All I have to do is surrender. It would be easy to die, and this time my friends couldn't bring me back. You know what? One of the reasons I jumped two years ago was because I loved you. I had to save myself. I loved you, and I didn't want to. I didn't want to.
Those are my options. It's kind of crazy though, you know, Spike? That I've seriously thought about this? Don't be surprised. I hate myself. Not as much as I did before, but I still do. I let you into my soul. I let you inside me, Spike, because I wanted to punish myself. I thought that if I let you have your way with me, then I would become stronger inside, because I would refuse to admit that I loved you. I thought that you would see me for what I am, and not see me as a savior. I'm not, Spike. I'm nothing. I am nothing. I am nothing, Spike, because I love you.
Being with you made things easier. It was easy for me to go to you and be in pain. You didn't want to hurt me, Spike. I know you didn't. But by being with you I forced you to hurt me. I knew that if I was with you and I never said anything, I would hurt, and the hurt would make me stronger.
But it didn't. It only made me weaker inside, Spike. It only made me weaker. Now I have nothing to live for but you. I want to be with you so badly now that it hurts. It hurts to speak to you, to touch you, to even see you. Every time I see you now I want to die.
I want nothing more than to love you freely, Spike. Otherwise I have nowhere to go. I have nothing to live for, and that makes me think about letting myself die.
It's because I love you, Spike, and that makes me want to die.