A Midwinter's Daydream
Disclaimer: Don't own it. I'm not that weird.
A/N: I wrote this in English last year when we were reading A Midsummer Night's Dream so it has a large amount of inside jokes in it that make it infinitely funnier but it's still pretty funny even if you aren't a part of them. Yeliab is Bailey spelled backwards because Mr. Bailey was my teacher. Please R&R its at least entertaining if nothing else.
It was another day of torture in Mr. Yeliab's English class. Mr. Yeliab was in a particularly vindictive mood today: his cat, Mayella, had scratched him last night and even giving his innocent students a ridiculously hard pop quiz last period on the Friday before a long weekend hadn't improved his spirits. Mayella was one quarter calico cat, one eighth tabby cat, and five eighths tiger. She had a bad habit of ripping apart furniture, so Mr. Yeliab usually locked her in the bathroom for the night. Mr. Yeliab glared around the room at the students taking the pop quiz and then took a sip of his coffee.
He almost spit it out all over the student in front of him. It tasted like cleaning detergent. Mr. Yeliab wasn't picky and didn't mind soap in his coffee now and again, as long as it was a decent dishwashing soap; Palmolive or Dawn or something, but this was revolting. Mr. Yeliab sniffed the coffee. It smelled suspiciously like the mysterious acidic liquid the maintenance staff of the Ecneps School had used to clean the toilets in the girls bathroom before the school governors came. A scream from outside the window distracted Mr. Yeliab. Some kindergarteners were playing tag on the playground. Without any hesitation Mr. Yeliab strode over to the window, yanked it open, and dumped the cleaning detergent coffee onto a very surprised looking kindergartener.
"Life is full of surprises," said Mr. Yeliab. "Get used to it." Then he slammed the window shut.
~*~
Puck was thinking. Thinking was something Puck rarely did, so of course he wouldn't waste his thoughts on something as stupid as a quiz. Besides, he had gotten rid of his quiz already. He had neatly folded into a paper airplane five minutes ago and thrown it at Peter Quince. Puck was thinking about the principal, Mrs. Nosbig. Mrs. Nosbig discriminated against creative people like Puck. She had given him a month of detentions for teaching the school the evils of wasting water by flooding the entire 3rd floor with water using the janitor's hose. She had also made him an appointment to see the school psychologist. The psychologist's name was Ms. Christensen. She smelled like Purell and made Puck spit out his gum.
Puck's thoughts were interrupted by the sudden presence of a large ponytail in his face. It belonged to Hippolyta (who was sitting in front of him) and it was much to big to be allowed. Puck hated Hippolyta's ponytail. Ms. Christensen had told him that whenever he was angry he should take a deep breath and count to ten. So Puck did. He still hated Hippolyta's ponytail. So he counted backwards from ten to one in Spanish. He still hated Hippolyta's ponytail. He began to count to ten by two's in Japanese but he got stuck on six. He could not remember how to say six in Japanese! And he still hated Hippolyta's ponytail. So he reached into his backpack, drew out a pair of kitchen scissors which his mother had been missing for two months, and snipped off the entire ponytail.
~*~
Hermia was on question number three. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Include a clear thesis statement which is well supported. Your paragraph should be 3-5 sentences long. Below, in a bold typeface, was written Shakespeare is one of the most creative figures in history. Hermia stared at the back of Lysander's head. After a minute she remembered she was taking a quiz. In the space provided for the paragraph she scrawled: So is Lysander.
~*~
Oberon was on the last question. He was determined to get an A+ on the quiz because Titania had called him a brainless get earlier that day. But by leaning his head a little to the right he could see that she was only on question four and he was on question six. So HA! But Oberon was stumped. How do you know whether a clause is independent or subordinate? Oberon wasn't entirely sure what "subordinate" meant. After five minutes of racking his brains he decided it was a type of shellfish. But that still didn't answer the question. Oberon read it again very carefully. He decided it was asking how do you know whether a shellfish is edible or not. His mother had once told him never to eat seafood at MacDonald's because there was no way of knowing where it had been. So in the space provided for an answer he carefully printed You think you know but you have no idea.
~*~
Nick Bottom was fuming. He had gotten up at 6:15 AM in order to get to school in time for play tryouts and the drama teacher had told him he could only play one part! Silly bint. The results had been posted after lunch. He was supposed to play the part of Pyramus. He scowled. He was sure they had learned about a bacteria called Pyramus in science yesterday. He would probably have to dress up in an uncomfortable costume and run around in front of a giant cardboard test tube. Some play this was going to be. And he was better than all those other kids! The drama teacher should have given him a bigger part. Like the lion or something. Stupid drama teacher. How could he express his talent if he was stuck playing a bacteria?
"Finish your sentences and hand in your quizzes," said Mr. Yeliab. His face was scrunched up as though some foul taste lingered in his mouth. Nick had forgotten about the quiz. He peeked at Demetrius' paper, but Demetrius' answer made no sense. His paper said Get your free corn! More of Demetrius' senseless ramblings, no doubt. Nick remembered all to well the time when Demetrius had insisted that he would make a better donkey than human. And right in front of Titania, too! Nick shrugged and scribbled across the top of his quiz I WOULD HAVE MADE A GREAT LION! He passed in the paper and clutched his stomach. He felt a bit sick. Maybe he was contracting Pyramus disease.
~*~
It was a good thing Mr. Yeliab was distracted by the rubber tarantula Lysander had just thrown on him. If he had looked closer at the answers on the papers before he wrote out the large red F's at the top, he might have wanted to throw himself into a vat of boiling cleaning detergent coffee.