Author: Elina

Summary: "Please. Stop crying. Stop screaming."

***

He's yelling.

The door is shaking, thumbing, complaining against my back as his fists hit it. His holler makes it vibrate.

So, you keep climbing into every one's beds these days, do you? What about that Willie-boy? You've fucked him yet?

My body jerks as your hand hits by cheek. Hard. Like a scourge. Then I notice that it's the memory of it that is slashing me.

Oh my God... Please. Don't do this. Don't...

You don't give a shit how many souls you sell along the way as long as you get your victory.

I bury my face in my hands, to make you stop screaming. To make myself stop seeing you. Your eyes. Your face. And all the hatred. Something burns my skin, my hands and my eyes, my cheeks. Fire streams. Their tears, Josh. So, now your crying when there's no point in it anymore?

Please. Stop crying. Stop screaming. Please. Just come back. Please.

I hear another voice joining the choir behind the door. I have no idea of how long I've sat there on the floor. "Josh!" they yell, they yell. They scream. Like sirens. They always disappeared when you were there. "Josh!" Josh, Josh, Josh, what have you done now? They all die, don't they? Save yourself, you're sold to the other side. The other side of what? Of me. There's no you. Not anymore. Jesus Christ... "Josh!!"

You obnoxious little prick...

"Josh! Open up!" There's another voice in the choir. Yeah, Josh, open up. Arms wide open. I can't.

Pierced through your heart, he said. The knife, pierced through your heart. Your sweet, kind heart. It was quick, Josh, she wasn't hurting. Oh, what do you know about hurting, you hypocrite?

She always asked. Amy always asked. 'Have you found the perfect one yet?' She asked, she smiled, she told me. I always smiled back at her wondering eyes and told her, assured her. She didn't need assuring. She needed to control. I saw you there that one day, you remember? When I told her, assured her. Remember the way you looked at me from the doorway when you thought that I hadn't noticed you? I always noticed you, how could I not? And then, when you looked at me and you heard me tell her once again... You knew that I was lying. You knew.

How did it end up this way?

Another round of banging the door. The door shakes and my body shakes with it. I can hear them pleading. He came here, he dared to come here in the middle of the night to tell me that... He dared to say I'm sorry. He dared to cry. He has no right to cry for you. They have no right to cry for you. They didn't do anything to you. I did. They don't have the right to feel guilty. If there only had been something I could've done to prevent this, he said with his voice thick with tears. There was, I told him, you could've left me there to bleed to death against that concrete wall. He started crying. I threw him out.

He's yelling. You're yelling. You're yelling in my head. Stop yelling. Stop crying. Please. I'm so sorry, please, you have to

forgive

me.

Please. I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry...

What do you know about heart ache? What do you know about being killed everyday by *you*, by every word you breath? What do you know about that?

I'm yelling. I don't know when I started. The screams echo in the empty room.

Every day, every fucking day you look at me and your eyes tell me how much you despise me for what I've done! You can't just let go, can you, you arrogant fuck? You just have to keep punishing me to make yourself feel better, you just *have* to keep winning the final score!

They're yelling louder now, screaming, bellowing. Josh, Josh, they scream. Josh, let us in, Josh, don't do anything stupid, Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh, bang, bang, bang, somebody call the police, bang, bang, bang, bang, Josh, bang, bang, let us in, open up, we can help you, please, Josh, bang, bang.

Bang.

You hate me. I don't want you to hate me.

Bang, bang, bang, Josh, let us in.

I can't stop imagining it. I can't stop. I can't stop seeing you on the floor, him on top of you. I can't stop seeing you there, hurting, crying and begging him to stop. I scream louder. I yell at him to get off of you, but he doesn't listen. He doesn't listen. He can't hear. And I can't stop seeing.

It feels like all that is keeping me from shredding into pieces, all that is keeping me together is the hard surface of the door that keeps my body up. It shakes when their fists bounce against it, demandingly. Open up, they yell. I can't. I haven't been able to stand up for hours. At least it feels like hours. In the other hand I think it's only been a blink of an eye.

God, I loved you. I love you even still. Who do you think you're kidding? You gave up on me years ago. No. Don't think that. It's not true. No, it has always been you. Only you.

And it always will be.