Author: Elina
Summary: "I heard them. When they thought that nobody was hearing."

Rating: R for the language.

***

I heard them. When they thought that nobody was hearing, that there wasn't a single soul there anymore, I heard them arguing. No, not arguing. Fighting. Screaming. At first I couldn't make out the words so I walked out of my office to see what's going on.

They were fighting. I've never seen them fighting.

What about that Willie-boy? You've fucked him yet?

I saw her hand slashing against his cheek and I jumped. I saw the hatred in her eyes. He didn't even blink.

An angry voice, a furious hiss carried all the way down the corridor to me. You obnoxious little prick... Who the hell do you think you are to judge me?

Every day, every fucking day you look at me and your eyes tell me how much you despise me for what I've done! You can't just let go, can you, you arrogant fuck? You just have to keep punishing me to make yourself feel better, you just *have* to keep winning the final score!

I remember shivering under their anger.

They didn't know that I was watching. Through all of it. They were too focused in their anger. But what saddens me the most is that they couldn't see the looks on each other's faces when they turned away. They were shattered, torn apart.

And now this.

I watch CJ pushing the door open. Josh finally moved enough for us to get it open. The room is dark. Just as I remember it being.

He's darker. Crumbled. A shadow of a man crashed on the floor. He isn't screaming anymore, hasn't been for a long time now, he just sits there. Shred to pieces. Shaking.

So am I.

I was so afraid. When I'd got the call, the first thing in my mind was to go to tell him. Just tell him. Be there for him. It was one a.m. but I still drove here and woke him up.

The most threatening thing was the silence. The most frightening.

I'm so sorry, Josh... I'm just so... If there only had been something I could've done to prevent this...

There was. Finally, a quiet whisper. Agonized whisper. You could've left me there to bleed to death against that concrete wall.

He threw me out. And I don't think that I've ever experienced anything more terrifying than tonight. I called CJ. I didn't know what else I could do. She called Leo.

We banged his door for an hour. Josh, open up! Josh! Josh, please! Don't do anything stupid! He wouldn't open up. The neighbor called the police and they got the janitor to open the door.

He's crying. CJ kneels over him, takes him in her arms. She hushes him, rocks him in her embrace. I killed her, I hear him sob. No, no. Don't say that. Don't think that, Josh. Please, don't say that.

His quiet, desperate sobbing in front of us is more scaring than his screaming behind the door when we weren't sure if he was going to do something to himself. I feel helpless. Completely useless under his grief.

I had heard his phone ringing when I'd been on my way out of the White House. I'd cursed it but, since no one sane calls at that hour without a reason, I'd picked the phone up.

Mr. Lyman? No, this is Tobias Ziegler. Oh, I'm sorry. Is there a place from where I could reach Mr. Lyman? It's pretty late, buddy, it's better that you just talk to me. Oh, yes, of course. Naturally. Mr. Ziegler, do you know a young woman called Donnatella Moss? Yes, I know her very well. Then I guess you're the right person after all. What is this about? I have some bad news, Mr. Ziegler. Would you like to sit down before I tell them? Oh my God...

I killed her, he still sobs. I can't see his face, it's buried against CJ's neck. She starts to cry. Leo can't look at him; I can see his shoulders shaking as he turns away. I feel sick. I killed her, don't say that, I'm so sorry, I killed her, no, no, it's not your fault, please, don't. Say. That.

I back away from the door way, away from their overwhelming sorrow. Back to the hallway. Back to the elevator. Back to the street.

When I get there, I throw up over the handrail. I throw up until I can't get anything out anymore. I crash down onto the stair. My hand, my grab is too weak to hold on to the rail anymore and it falls too. My head is humming.

There's nothing I could do. You arrogant fuck. I keep hearing those words echo in my mind, all over again. Why do I feel like they're meant for me?

Only then I realize that I'm crying.