Author: Elina

Summary: "Tell mommy that I love her, will you, sweetheart? You can tell her yourself, daddy. I might not."

Rating: Pretty clean. I'd say... hmmm.... PG-13, to be on the safe side. (Hey, I finally got rid of the cursing part of me! *g*)

Author's notes: Beth, you requested a happy ending (thanks for the idea). Well, I don't know if this is so happy, but here it is anyway. So, this is for you. Hope you like it. Thanks to all the lovely people who send me feedback during this little 'is going to be/isn't going to be' series of mine! Now, to the story...

***

There had been an excruciating pain. It had choked me. I hadn't been able breathe. I'd fallen on the floor and black was all I'd seen. Black. The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital somewhere. I saw faces around me, looking worried. June, Samuel, Rita. June squeezed my hand, tight. Daddy, don't give up yet, she whispered. Samuel and Rita need you, they're still so small. I'm sorry, sweetheart, I can't help it. Tell mommy that I love her, will you, sweetheart? You can tell her yourself, daddy. I might not. I love you all. I love you too, daddy.

I remember her face wrinkling as she turned away. Then I closed my eyes, I can remember that also. I just closed my eyes. And I fell back into the coal black world of dream.

Now, I can feel myself breathing. I can feel the moist air in the room whelm around my face. I can hear the peeping.

I'm just so tired. So tired.

The monitor keeps peeping. I can hear it through the daze. Steady peeps. One. Two. Three...

Open your eyes, Josh.

It's like I'm floating in the air. It all feels very natural. So real. I feel a hand brushing mine. Open your eyes. I do as the voice tells me to.

Oh my God...

You're here. Why are you here?

I've always been here. Who else would take care of you if not me?

The monitor keeps peeping. Somebody, a male voice, is talking next to me but I can't see him anywhere. It's a distant voice, pushing it's way through. But it's fading. It's replaced by the sound of your smile. Your dazzling smile. Your beautiful smile.

You haven't gotten older, not a day. You have. I know. The years leave their mark. I know. To me you still seem just the same. Just the same. I'm so -- Shush, don't say a word. It's okay.

It's not. You can't believe the years it took for me to leave it behind. And even still it was always there.

You were always there.

Didn't you hear me? Didn't you hear me that one night, years later, when you had taken off the mask that you wore at daylight and crumbled on the floor? Didn't you hear me?

Yes. I heard you. Don't cry. Don't cry, you said.

It's been so long. So long. So many years. Were you ever happy?

I close my eyes. The tears burn my eyelids. Yes, it has been so long. So many years. Happy? Was I happy?

There were moments. The pain stopped hurting so much when time passed. Yes, there were moments when I was happy. Like when my children were born. I looked at them, their screaming little red faces and I thought 'I created this, how beautiful it is'.

And then there were moments when something brought you up and I shattered inside. Moments like the second after I took a look at June with a smile on my face and suddenly thought that she looks so like you. Moments when it all came rushing over me once more like a hurricane and I couldn't do anything but cry. After all those years there was always something reminding me of you.

Those moments got easier with time.

Inhaling hurts. But not as bad as I thought it would. You just smile at me, understanding, with your hand still brushing my temple as if brushing all the bad memories away. I lean against your touch. It feels so good.

I love them. I love them all very much. Liz is wonderful, and you should see Samuel and Rita. I love them. But never as much as I loved you. God, I never told you...

Yes, you did. You did.

I feel my heart racing, it's beating again in a steady rhythm. I'm not sure if it makes me happy or not.

I look at you.

When? When did I tell you?

Every day. Every day when you looked at me, your eyes would tell the world to me. Just for me. Every word you breathed. Every day.

A quiet whisper, a child's voice works its way through the dusk.

"Daddy? I brought you a picture. Can you see?"

It breaks my heart to hear his little voice. It brakes my heart that I can't open my eyes for the last time and look at his picture.

It's beautiful. It has all of you in it, your house and flowers and sunshine. He might become an artist someday. You smile and look at something next to my bed, at something that I just can't see, no matter how much I try.

Does it hurt?

Dying? Your hand touches me once more, softly, like a sudden breeze of wind caressing my forehead. I close my eyes to suck the feeling in. No, it doesn't hurt. There's nothing to be afraid of.

I'm not afraid. Not when you're there.

Or am I only imagining you?

Probably. Or maybe *I'm* imagining you. I don't know.

So, this could just be one of those dreams I keep having? I'll just wake up and notice that you were never there? I'd wake up smiling, with the picture of you still before my eyes, and you're not really there?

Maybe.

I don't want to wake up.

What about your children? Won't you miss them? Or your wife?

She's not you. And I'm getting old. I've had a long life, I've seen many things, I've had many things. It's bound to happen sooner or later. I'm ready.

And I've never missed anything more than you.

I never hated you. I never despised you. You have to believe me, I'm so sorry, you have to...

Shhh... It's not important.

There's silence. It's not a bad silence, it's the kind that rocks you in its arms. I let it flow over me.

All those years. They weren't the same without you. All those people... My friends. Sam. I miss Sam. He was so... Sam. I'll miss him.

We pulled it through, the re-election, the second term, all of it with flying colors, but it was never the same without you standing by my side. It was never the same, but I still kept going because I didn't know what else I could do. I got Sam as a governor, I almost got him back to the White House, but then there was the illness. When he...

I know. I remember. He almost joined me, then.

Yes. We could've won. We would've won. He had fifty-five. Fifty-five. Then it all came crashing down. He never run again. That was it. Sam gave up, I gave up.

Those were the days I needed you the most.

God, I've missed you.

You have no idea how worried they all were for you. How worried I was. They watched you fighting every day to keep yourself together, and when the day was over they went home to cry themselves to sleep because there was nothing they could do for you. You have no idea how many times Mr. President just sat in his chair, looking out of the window and thought about you. They weren't happy thoughts.

The day in May.

The day he died?

He said something to me. He said 'she's waiting for you'. I always thought he meant Liz. It was you, wasn't it? He was talking about you. He knew.

They're happy now. They're proud of you. You pulled it through.

You were there. In my memories. When I was hurting, you were there. I just opened the box, your little box, and you were there again. You filled the room. Just as if you'd been alive. You kept me sane.

No. Life kept you sane.

How much longer?

Just a little while. Let them say goodbye to you.

"Dad?"

Squeeze her hand, Josh. Let her know that you're hearing.

It takes all my strength to make my fingers move and close around her hand. Her little, fragile hand. "Dad?" I hear her whimpering. "Can you hear me?" I hold the grasp and hear her sighing contently. "We're all here, dad. June and Samuel and mom. We're all here." She is trying to be so brave. My little girl. She's trying to be brave but I can still hear her voice shivering. How did she grow up so fast? "Dad, we really love you. Very much." Oh, I love you too, sweetie.

Her tear drops on my hand.

Is there heaven?

No. There's... death.

It's heaven if you're there.

My hand let's go of her hand, it can't hold on any longer. I can't feel her anymore, though I know she's still there, holding my hand in hers. The peeping, it disappears. Just disappears. I can't hear their voices anymore.

I turn my eyes at you. You're so beautiful. Just so beautiful.

Take my hand, Josh. It's time.

I reach out my hand. I can hear your smile. It's dazzling. God, I always loved your smile. Getting off of the bed is suddenly so easy, my steps feel light. I smile from the bottom of my heart.

Your smile. It reaches your eyes.

You hold out your arms, wide open. I walk into your embrace, wrap my arms around you, bury my face in your hair. I can taste your skin, smell your scent, touch you. It's so wonderful that I'm laughing.

I can feel your lips, touching mine. I can finally feel you once more.

Don't ever let go of me again, don't ever.

I won't.

THE END