The Nasty Nephew
By Limey Snickett
Multitudes have now become informed of the Beaudelaire children' misadventures and you may yourself be familiar with their story by this time. However, if you do know of them, you may be under the terribly false impression that the document you are reading right now is a part of it. Please discard that notion at once. My uncle is telling their stories (with the help of his literary editor) and they can be found in a series of books that are completely inappropriate for the children who are reading them. This is a report of Count Olaf's malicious relation, Alex Leisept, whom I had the misfortune to meet two years ago last Tuesday night. Alex's father, Count Olaf's first cousin's brother-in-law, (which incidentally does not make them uncle and nephew but something far more difficult to understand) had died of a terrible chill at a suspiciously inappropriate age of fifteen (when Alex was a mere infant). Alex's mother was a simple-minded woman who often spouted aphorisms such as "It is better to have dried and ironed than never to have washed at all." Alex took his mother's advice to heart until last year when he turned eleven, at which time he realized she was a fool. Alex was a horrifying child who enjoyed catching insects and freezing them. While he was waiting for the poor creatures to freeze, he would scrape frost from the freezer walls to make snowballs in summer, and throw them at pretty little girls. When the mosquitoes, flying cockroaches, flying ants, or killer bees had frozen stiff, Alex would remove them from the freezer and very quickly glue them to a flat piece of paper which he called "the magic carpet." Ordinarily, little boys will glue frozen bees to folded paper airplanes and then watch the bees fly the airplane around like a jet, and this is a perfectly normal thing to do. By contrast, Alex used just one piece of paper (the magic carpet) to which he had glued every possible insect, and it was thick with dead insects that had flown around until dead (or which had never survived freezing). Indeed, it now resembled a square of carpet, and larger and larger bugs were required to give it 'lift.' One day when Alex threw a freezer-frost snowball at one particular little girl named Crystal Rose, she misunderstood the gesture and decided he had a crush on her. She instantly beamed at him (a phrase which here means "smiled so large her face seemed to shine") and accepted his invitation to become his "female companion." No such invitation had been extended, of course, but little Crystal Rose had no inkling that Alex was such a horrible lad. At Crystal Rose's insistence, Alex agreed to go out with her on a date. Crystal Rose instructed him to pick her up at her home, an ostentatious mansion not far away, but he did not appear at the appointed time and she was forced to seek him out. She went to his house and asked his dear mother, who replied that if he was not in the house, then he may not be home. Not dissuaded in the least, Crystal Rose turned under the overcast sky and regarded The Foul Forest, a blackened, scorched woodland to which his house was contiguous, a term which here means "so close to the house she could smell the rotting plants." She knew that most children would be fascinated by a place like this, where many things crept and crawled, grew and decomposed. She herself preferred seeing such things at a great distance such as might be offered by satellite television. The delicate, pretty girl walked around to the side of the house that bordered most closely on the forest, and found a path into the blackened trees. "I do hope he isn't close to any maggots or worms," she whispered to the path, which was the only thing around to listen. "I hate maggots and worms." She followed the worn path through the grass and into the forest, carefully choosing her steps so as not to soil her sapphire satin shoes or expose her pearly skin to poisonous plants, which she did not know how to identify. This is very dangerous and although Crystal Rose does not find herself with Poison Oak in this story, you should definitely learn how to identify all poison plants before you wander into any forest - especially a strange one named "Foul." Dark spindly branches filled the air above her head, blocking her view of the clouds. Shrubs and seedlings crowded together on the floor of the forest, evidence that the fire had been some months ago at least. Crystal Rose walked many yards before discovering Alex where he was attempting to catch maggots so he could carry them back to his house, freeze them, and find out if they would carry the magic carpet on their backs when they thawed out. He looks as though he has not bathed in several weeks, Crystal Rose thought. His clothes look as though they have been run through the dryer and ironed without washing! "Alex Leisept, I can see you are no gentleman yet," she observed aloud. "However, I have every bit of faith that I will reform you. My mother, and my sisters, and my friends have all told me how I am so sweet, I will make everyone around me sweet without hardly trying. I may even try just a little bit with you. Come on," she tugged on his sleeve. "Leave your maggots here and go to tea with me." Crystal Rose had not yet gained enough experience in the world to realize that her sweetness could be ineffective against a boorish brute. Every educated person knows that you should keep your feet on the ground even though friends flatter you[1]. In truth, Crystal Rose had recently been informed of this by a book of anonymous quotes in her father's extensive library where she had been looking for beautiful ways of describing her own sweetness. This nugget of information was not enough to teach a little girl how to change her behavior or expectations. Soon enough, experience would reinforce the lesson. We often discover that learning in life and learning in a library can reinforce each other. Seeing his opportunity to torment a frail cupid, Alex Leisept left the magic carpet in the middle of The Foul Forest and followed Crystal Rose to the Turkish Tea Room at the end of their street. On the way, he poked her in the ribs, tugged at the hem of her dress, and called her names like "Glass Eye," "Thorny Thistle," "Pretty Polly PeePee Pickle Puss," and "Football Head." When this unlikely pair arrived at the tea house, the waiter knew he would be reluctant to give the little miss any additional sugar for her to put in her tea, for indeed Crystal Rose looked so sweet in her very pretty dress with matching ribbon in her hair. However, Alex was worse than dirty. His ironed jeans were torn and his shoes had mouths and tongues that seemed to ask for a table while the scruffy delinquent waited. The waiter frowned and shook his head, and guided Alex into the coat room. Here the waiter selected a lovely jacket from the official wardrobe of the last Turkish prince, and placed it across the young ruffian's shoulders. Alex wrinkled his nose in disgust over this indignity but allowed himself to be pushed into the seat across from Crystal Rose. Crystal Rose sipped her tea daintily, and showed Alex how to hold the teacup with his pinky extended for balance and grace. Alex ordered a Coca- Cola and spilled it deliberately across the table and onto her dress when the glass arrived. Crystal Rose smiled sweetly at Alex and politely told him he was very handsome. Alex responded by blowing his nose on the Turkish prince's jacket sleeve, and discussing the resulting smear with her. Crystal Rose dabbed a droplet of tea from the corner of her lips with a lace-trimmed napkin. Alex reached into his pocket and produced on the table between them a squashed daddy long-legs and a writhing earthworm. This will indeed be a challenge, Crystal Rose realized, stifling a sharp cry. She decided she would have to enjoy his misbehavior to make him realize how sweet she was - or else begin to nag him about his misbehavior in order to try to get him to change. This was a horrible choice, since she knew that nagging would keep her from seeming sweet, and enjoying his actions or even reacting to them in any way, would likely encourage him to continue. While Crystal Rose mulled over (a phrase which here means "thought very intently about") her crisis, she did not pay attention to Alex, who saw his opportunity in her preoccupation. He slipped from the seat and removed the prince's jacket, which he left in a crumpled heap on the floor, and ran out the door, returning to his place in the Foul Forest, after stomping on the jacket a bit. When Crystal Rose realized what had happened, she had to beg the waiter to give her credit for the cost of their drinks until she could return with the money. From that time on, Crystal Rose worked hard to remember that no matter how sweet she may be, she could not reform horrid little boys. Incidentally, the poor maggots never revived. ----------------------- [1] "Keep your feet on the ground even though friends flatter you." is quoted from a fortune cookie.
Multitudes have now become informed of the Beaudelaire children' misadventures and you may yourself be familiar with their story by this time. However, if you do know of them, you may be under the terribly false impression that the document you are reading right now is a part of it. Please discard that notion at once. My uncle is telling their stories (with the help of his literary editor) and they can be found in a series of books that are completely inappropriate for the children who are reading them. This is a report of Count Olaf's malicious relation, Alex Leisept, whom I had the misfortune to meet two years ago last Tuesday night. Alex's father, Count Olaf's first cousin's brother-in-law, (which incidentally does not make them uncle and nephew but something far more difficult to understand) had died of a terrible chill at a suspiciously inappropriate age of fifteen (when Alex was a mere infant). Alex's mother was a simple-minded woman who often spouted aphorisms such as "It is better to have dried and ironed than never to have washed at all." Alex took his mother's advice to heart until last year when he turned eleven, at which time he realized she was a fool. Alex was a horrifying child who enjoyed catching insects and freezing them. While he was waiting for the poor creatures to freeze, he would scrape frost from the freezer walls to make snowballs in summer, and throw them at pretty little girls. When the mosquitoes, flying cockroaches, flying ants, or killer bees had frozen stiff, Alex would remove them from the freezer and very quickly glue them to a flat piece of paper which he called "the magic carpet." Ordinarily, little boys will glue frozen bees to folded paper airplanes and then watch the bees fly the airplane around like a jet, and this is a perfectly normal thing to do. By contrast, Alex used just one piece of paper (the magic carpet) to which he had glued every possible insect, and it was thick with dead insects that had flown around until dead (or which had never survived freezing). Indeed, it now resembled a square of carpet, and larger and larger bugs were required to give it 'lift.' One day when Alex threw a freezer-frost snowball at one particular little girl named Crystal Rose, she misunderstood the gesture and decided he had a crush on her. She instantly beamed at him (a phrase which here means "smiled so large her face seemed to shine") and accepted his invitation to become his "female companion." No such invitation had been extended, of course, but little Crystal Rose had no inkling that Alex was such a horrible lad. At Crystal Rose's insistence, Alex agreed to go out with her on a date. Crystal Rose instructed him to pick her up at her home, an ostentatious mansion not far away, but he did not appear at the appointed time and she was forced to seek him out. She went to his house and asked his dear mother, who replied that if he was not in the house, then he may not be home. Not dissuaded in the least, Crystal Rose turned under the overcast sky and regarded The Foul Forest, a blackened, scorched woodland to which his house was contiguous, a term which here means "so close to the house she could smell the rotting plants." She knew that most children would be fascinated by a place like this, where many things crept and crawled, grew and decomposed. She herself preferred seeing such things at a great distance such as might be offered by satellite television. The delicate, pretty girl walked around to the side of the house that bordered most closely on the forest, and found a path into the blackened trees. "I do hope he isn't close to any maggots or worms," she whispered to the path, which was the only thing around to listen. "I hate maggots and worms." She followed the worn path through the grass and into the forest, carefully choosing her steps so as not to soil her sapphire satin shoes or expose her pearly skin to poisonous plants, which she did not know how to identify. This is very dangerous and although Crystal Rose does not find herself with Poison Oak in this story, you should definitely learn how to identify all poison plants before you wander into any forest - especially a strange one named "Foul." Dark spindly branches filled the air above her head, blocking her view of the clouds. Shrubs and seedlings crowded together on the floor of the forest, evidence that the fire had been some months ago at least. Crystal Rose walked many yards before discovering Alex where he was attempting to catch maggots so he could carry them back to his house, freeze them, and find out if they would carry the magic carpet on their backs when they thawed out. He looks as though he has not bathed in several weeks, Crystal Rose thought. His clothes look as though they have been run through the dryer and ironed without washing! "Alex Leisept, I can see you are no gentleman yet," she observed aloud. "However, I have every bit of faith that I will reform you. My mother, and my sisters, and my friends have all told me how I am so sweet, I will make everyone around me sweet without hardly trying. I may even try just a little bit with you. Come on," she tugged on his sleeve. "Leave your maggots here and go to tea with me." Crystal Rose had not yet gained enough experience in the world to realize that her sweetness could be ineffective against a boorish brute. Every educated person knows that you should keep your feet on the ground even though friends flatter you[1]. In truth, Crystal Rose had recently been informed of this by a book of anonymous quotes in her father's extensive library where she had been looking for beautiful ways of describing her own sweetness. This nugget of information was not enough to teach a little girl how to change her behavior or expectations. Soon enough, experience would reinforce the lesson. We often discover that learning in life and learning in a library can reinforce each other. Seeing his opportunity to torment a frail cupid, Alex Leisept left the magic carpet in the middle of The Foul Forest and followed Crystal Rose to the Turkish Tea Room at the end of their street. On the way, he poked her in the ribs, tugged at the hem of her dress, and called her names like "Glass Eye," "Thorny Thistle," "Pretty Polly PeePee Pickle Puss," and "Football Head." When this unlikely pair arrived at the tea house, the waiter knew he would be reluctant to give the little miss any additional sugar for her to put in her tea, for indeed Crystal Rose looked so sweet in her very pretty dress with matching ribbon in her hair. However, Alex was worse than dirty. His ironed jeans were torn and his shoes had mouths and tongues that seemed to ask for a table while the scruffy delinquent waited. The waiter frowned and shook his head, and guided Alex into the coat room. Here the waiter selected a lovely jacket from the official wardrobe of the last Turkish prince, and placed it across the young ruffian's shoulders. Alex wrinkled his nose in disgust over this indignity but allowed himself to be pushed into the seat across from Crystal Rose. Crystal Rose sipped her tea daintily, and showed Alex how to hold the teacup with his pinky extended for balance and grace. Alex ordered a Coca- Cola and spilled it deliberately across the table and onto her dress when the glass arrived. Crystal Rose smiled sweetly at Alex and politely told him he was very handsome. Alex responded by blowing his nose on the Turkish prince's jacket sleeve, and discussing the resulting smear with her. Crystal Rose dabbed a droplet of tea from the corner of her lips with a lace-trimmed napkin. Alex reached into his pocket and produced on the table between them a squashed daddy long-legs and a writhing earthworm. This will indeed be a challenge, Crystal Rose realized, stifling a sharp cry. She decided she would have to enjoy his misbehavior to make him realize how sweet she was - or else begin to nag him about his misbehavior in order to try to get him to change. This was a horrible choice, since she knew that nagging would keep her from seeming sweet, and enjoying his actions or even reacting to them in any way, would likely encourage him to continue. While Crystal Rose mulled over (a phrase which here means "thought very intently about") her crisis, she did not pay attention to Alex, who saw his opportunity in her preoccupation. He slipped from the seat and removed the prince's jacket, which he left in a crumpled heap on the floor, and ran out the door, returning to his place in the Foul Forest, after stomping on the jacket a bit. When Crystal Rose realized what had happened, she had to beg the waiter to give her credit for the cost of their drinks until she could return with the money. From that time on, Crystal Rose worked hard to remember that no matter how sweet she may be, she could not reform horrid little boys. Incidentally, the poor maggots never revived. ----------------------- [1] "Keep your feet on the ground even though friends flatter you." is quoted from a fortune cookie.