Flying

A/N: this is just an idea I got after reading a story. They don't have all that much to do with each other, but still, that story was the inspiration. And I forgot the name and author of it, too. --' I don't consider myself good at humor, so humor me and be nice? .

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ is owned by Rumiko Takahashi.

!sounds!

"Ranma no BAKA!" Akane screams as she pulls out mallet-sama and hammers me towards the heavens from the Tendo living room.

You'd think I'd be good at dodging that giant son-of-the-devil hammer by now. Even more, you'd think I'd stop using my brilliant foot-in-mouth technique, since it hasn't worked once on Angry Akane.

!CRASH!

Ouch. I don't think my skull has healed completely from the last time they were used as a shield from the ceiling, though the ceiling's obviously been fixed. They should stop patching it; it's a waste of money anyway. I think I hit a nail... Ah, it's such a beautiful day. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, there's a light breeze.

!Drip...drip...drip...!

What is that? Why's it gettin' darker? What happened to the sun? Am I dying?

Then I feel it, and I really wish I hadn't.

Rain. Glorious rain. I feel my body shift slightly and look down. Great, I'm a girl again.

"Gee THANKS, Kami-sama!" I yell.

The rain stops and the clouds clear. I can feel the sun already drying me off.

!Laughter!

Huh? I look below and see the Old Ghoul pointing her stick at me and laughing her head off. I hate her. I hate her so much I could throw her in the Spring of the Cursed Crab and make a crab Rangoon out of her. And then feed her do Shampoo.

She probably hates me too.

"Shut up."

"Want to marry Shampoo now, son-in-law? She won't punt you though the ceiling."

"Go crawl in a hole and die."

!Chirp, chirp!

I look ahead too late to avoid the huge mass of pigeons flying straight towards me.

"Gah!" I say brilliantly.

"Caw!" they say back.

Pigeons didn't sound like that last time I checked. Well, I've never checked, per se, but you get my drift. I look around and find myself staring straight in the eye... nope, beak, of a frickin' crow. Ouch! My eye! Wait a minute...there's no pain! And yes! The great, undefeated (even if it's by a flock of birds) Ranma Saotome learns a new numbing technique! How (not to mention when) did that happen? Shrugging, I look around and find a blackbird wobbling around desperately failing its flight as a happy-go-lucky Happy is currently riding on its back carrying his sack of little 'darlings.'

"Oh, my sweet little sweets! You just wait, we're almost hom-OMPH!" I manage to hear the old pervert say right before crashing into a tree. I almost feel bad...

I blink a few times.

"THANKS FOR SAVING MY EYE!" I yell at him.

Now I feel comfortable hoping he dies.

I look ahead again, still gaining altitude, and see an electric blue hot air balloon. Never saw that before. I'm now close enough to hear a little girl screaming inside the basket.

"Mommy, Mommy, LOOK! Is that a witch?" she is pointing at me with her eyes wide with curiosity.

"Hey! I'm not a witch! Do you see a broomstick around here!" I yell at her, irritated.

The little girl's mother stares at me in shock, mouth hanging open (is it just me or does she look like she's catching flies?), and then promptly faints. Whoops, my bad.

"Sorry 'bout that," I mumble as I pass the balloon, the little girl still happily clapping at me.

Before I even had a chance to do anything else, I hear someone yell from down at the surface of a great planet we call earth, "Where am I NOW?"

That sounds like a woman's voice, can't be Ryoga. I figure it's probably his mother. Or is it his sister? (Did Ryoga have siblings? It seemed unlikely that his parents would be together often enough to ...ahem, do the deed twice.) Or maybe the person is his aunt or cousin and niece. Who knew if his horrid sense of directions extended to his extended family?

Two seconds later, I hear boom and another scream, "NOW where am I?"

I look down to see Ryoga emerging from a patch of land that happened to erupt. Wonder how that happened. And then I get to wondering about the Old Ghoul's sanity when teaching Mister I-Don't-Know-Up-From-Down the Breaking Point technique.

"RANMA THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" he cried out to the world.

Everybody around him totally ignored his presence and kept going about their normal lives.

Figures... everyone around here should be committed.

"Hey Bacon Breath! Your mother's right in that direction!" I point to Ryoga's right, deciding that mother would be the best route to go.

Although if you think about it, I really can't decide which route I'm going because apparently, Akane has already decided for me. Macho tomboy...

"Ranma?" he looks around for a minute and shrugs me off. Oh well, his loss.

I feel myself reaching the full height of my flight over the city of Nerima and begin descending. I hope I don't land face first. (That happened once and I honestly can't say I enjoyed it very much...) I'm now somewhere close to Ukyo's restaurant. I hope I land there. Free food is always welcome. As I get closer, I realized I wouldn't make it. Aw!

"Hey Ukyo!" I call to her.

"Ranchan?" I hear a confused Ukyo say as she stepped outside. I wave at her.

Ukyo just stares at me in confusion, "When did you learn how to fly?"

I smack my forehead and I head on. Is that poetry I hear? I look below me once again as I see Kuno spouting Shakespeare on a rock with people telling him off and throwing tomatoes at him. He just sliced and diced the tomatoes and ate them. HEY! I want one!

"Whoa! What is that! Is that Ranma?" someone yells.

Don't let Kuno see me, don't let Kuno see me, don't let Kuno see me.

"The foul sorcerer Saotome? Where is he?" Kuno asks, spinning around wildly.

"Up there!"

Oh crap. Thanks a lot, Kami-sama.

Kuno looks up and his look of disgust quickly changes to love. Cripes.

"My beloved pigtailed goddess! You are indeed an angel that has come down to see me!" Kuno says as he tries to run to me to hug me.

I've seen stranger things.

I fly over a market and hear someone calling my name.

"Ranma-kun!"

"Hi Kasumi!" I yell and wave giving her a smile.

"Oh my. Are you having fun?" she asks with her trademark smile.

"Oh yeah. Lots of fun." I say sarcastically.

"Oh good. I was afraid you and Akane are fighting again."

I sigh at Kasumi's ignorance. Maybe I shouldn't burst her happy bubble.

As I descend more and more, still going face first, I see Ryoga again. What's with this?

"Yo Pig Boy! How'd you get here so fast?" I ask amazed.

"Damn it Ranma! You're haunting me even when I'm India! Go away!" Ryoga yells.

Blink, blink. India?

"Dude, you're in Nerima! When were you in INDIA?"

Ryoga finally looks up and sees me.

"Ranma?"

"You're in Japan, buddy." I say.

"But I was in India just two seconds ago!" Ryoga says. "RANMA THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

In front of my eyes, Ryoga disappeared. Again.

"Uh...ACK!"

At least I didn't land face first, I think to myself as I crumble down along with the building I flew into.

'Unstable. Please do hit,' read a sign in front of me.

Great...NOW you tell me. Don't you love the great Kami's timing?

I manage to land right on my feet and start walking home, or hopping home from the roofs. I even managed to find some hot water as some were shooting up from the bathhouse for some reason. Just as I turn guy again, rain came splattering down.

"Just my luck." I mutter to myself. I hate this curse.

The rain stops again as I turn back into a girl.

Why, Kami-sama, why? Why do you hate me?

Review? Perdy please?