Chapter 7

The Love Letter

Dreams are strange things. The way they pick at your subconscious bringing out your deepest desires, longings and fears in weird mirages. Dreams can be pleasant, but they can also be terrifying. A dream can represent your deepest terror bringing it to the surface and forcing you to deal with it. A dream can also be a fantasy, a psychological representation of wants, yearnings and hopes.

It was late. Taya had awoken twenty minutes previously from the mental cries he made because of the nightmare. She couldn't leave him like that anymore. It tore at her heart to know he still suffered so greatly.

She gazed in the mirror and brushed her dark, slightly curling hair into place before wrapping a shawl around her shoulders. She placed the hairbrush down and headed out of her rooms to her intended destination.

The dungeons were always cold. Especially at this time of year. This February was the coldest she could ever remember it to be. She slipped silently down through the deserted corridors until she came to the Potions classroom. She always guessed that Severus' private chambers were located near his classrooms.

As of recent her uncanny ability to sense him had gradually returned. Mostly at night had it been the strongest. She learnt he had successfully managed to shield his thoughts from her, but with her apt mental ability she was breaking through that barrier without any conscious thought.

Upon reading the letter though it had only strengthened her desire to ease his fears and push away the loneliness. She doubted that he had ever intended to give her the letter in the first place, but she knew about writing down thoughts, longings and dreams in the form of a message even if it were never going to be read by the person addressed to. It was a kind of psychological therapy.

She wondered if it helped him. In a way she felt guilty for reading his personal letter. At least now she knew the truth and she couldn't get those words out of her mind.

To Dearest Taya,

I don't know what I shall do should leave me again, I could never speak of this to you out loud, but I confess after all these lonely years I think I have fallen in love again. I loved Lilly unconditionally, but she is dead, I realise now that she choose that path to follow. I neither the less regret her decision to marry Potter, but time can not change.

Then I met you. Pure, kind and gentle, totally un Slytherin, then you kissed me.

I became weak. As your teacher I should not have let it happen, but I did.

My heart does bleed for you, my body aches for your gentle touch, and my soul, I am not even sure what my soul requires.

I do not necessarily expect you to love me, but in my heart I do know that I love you more than any pretty words can say. I can never rid this fowl, evil smelling emotion from my breast.

What can I do? I know that I am not worthy of your love, dreaming is the only thing I have, my precious dreams and demons.

And now words fail me.

It is most difficult to write these words even though you shall never read them.

I feel shame.

Yours most sincerely

Severus Snape

"You don't have to feel shame for loving someone. I'll show you, Severus," she said feeling her cheeks flush. Such poetic words written from a previously thought of un-passionate man.

For a second she held the letter in her hand, thought briefly about putting it back down on the dresser, but instead took it with her.

Dressed in only her night clothes and the shawl Taya stopped at the door to the potions classroom. She brought out her wand and was prepared to recite a magical incantation when it swung open before her. She took a step back when the man she sought stepped out into the darkness and virtually bumped into her. She caught him, her hands steadying his arms. Severus froze then roughly de-tangled himself from her grasp.

"What are you doing down here?" He spat angrily.

"Looking for you actually." Severus turned and finally met her gaze. His expression twisted in annoyance. "It's late, you wouldn't want to be caught here alone especially by Peeves, remember you were terrified by him."

"I was twelve. Most of the children hated him." Severus grunted. It was true she had been terrified of the mischievous poltergeist. Now however the troublesome ghoul was the last thing on her mind.

Taya now took the opportunity to look at the professor closely. In his hand he held a lighted candle. She frowned. "Where are you going?"

Severus was wrapped in his cloak ever so tighter, but underneath she noticed he was wearing a long dark grey night shirt and his feet were bare.

"Nowhere. It's non of your concern."

He brushed passed her and continued down the hall. Taya ran to keep up. She swallowed and prepared to voice her thoughts.

"You can't sleep again can you? You are going to get that letter aren't you?" Severus looked if he was about to commit murder, but his voice remained unchanged. She held out the parchment towards him. He grabbed it from her.

"You read it I suppose?"

"It was addressed to me."

"It was private."

"Then you shouldn't have left it where people could find it. What if one of the students-"

"You... you BLASTED GIRL." His voice rose to a shout and his whole body tensed. His hands were fists. She saw the white of his knuckles and for an actual second thought he was going to lash out physically. Severus forced himself to relax, force his voice to calm. He knew he'd never lash out physically, not any more, especially not at a woman, the woman who had slithered under his restraints, battled her way into his psyche, the woman he dared even to admit to himself he loved.

"You have read it then?" He said in a flat unemotional tone.

"Yes," she admitted demurely. She noticed something momentarily flicker on his face then it was gone replaced by his usual narrowing of the eyes and furrowing of the brow.

"Are you still having nightmares?"

"Leave me alone." he muttered. "You've done enough damage."

"What? " Hurt was registered in her voice. "What do you mean by that? What damage. I've done nothing to you."

"You kissed me remember. Why did you kiss me? You humiliated me in front of the entire class."

"If I remember correctly you seemed rather to deep in lust to notice." Severus' jaw clamped. Taya noticed a tiny vain throbbing on his forehead, stress was welling up inside him again.

"You're going to burst a blood vessel, Professor," she said in her best intimidating tone and scowled nastily, but Severus didn't seem to notice he was staring at a point on the wall. Finally he spun around, hands on hips and glowered down at her.

"Why did you have to read the bloody letter?"

"Curious."

"There is a Muggle saying," he said. "Curiosity killed the cat."

"Well, perhaps the cat does like to get it's paws wet once in a while. I'm the one who has to live with your feelings battering my mind all the time," she said prodding him with one finger in the centre of his chest. She was enraged and realised what he was indicating at. "Are you threatening me?"

"Perhaps I am," he spat and she made a small strangled noise in frustrated desperation. Taya through up her hands in defeat.

"I'm the one who has to deal with your rapes as if they happened to me." Severus stopped dead, all colour drained from his face.

"How do you know that?" His voice trembled.

"I have this blasted gift. Remember." She tapped her head. "I've seen it."

"Why did you not tell me before? Had I known that you saw that I-"

"How could I, you barely let me say one word with out snapping my head off. There's nothing I can do about it except live with it. I can feel you here..." She pressed her hand to her heart. Her voice softened, her eyes burning, "...all the time and there isn't anything that can take it away. Even being out of the county, living away from you, with other people doesn't make it any easier. You can try and shield your feeling from me, but in the end they will always break through. Don't you see. Even when I'm asleep I feel you." He didn't reply.

"For Pete's sake." She pulled him forward, slid her arms tightly around his body, reached up on tip toes and kissed him, he didn't respond, he didn't move, he didn't even pull away.

She released him, desperate to force passionate emotion from him. It was futile. Confused and ashamed she turned to walk away.

"Wait," he called. She turned back and noticed that his fingers were pressed to his lips. "Very well I agree to talk about it, but on one condition." She stared at him with pleading tear filled eyes.

"We really do need to talk about it. All of this. Tell me?"

"Promise that you don't try and force it out of me."

"Of cause not, Professor." Taya brushed her fingers against his cheek and he closed his eyes. "Come on. My room is nearest from here."

Severus took a step back. "What makes you think I will go with you tonight?"

She smiled sadly. "Do you have much choice? You either have another nightmare and then I can't sleep, or you start thinking about what we have just said and avoid me at all costs. We can't ignore this forever, Severus. I plan staying around longer than the previous DATDA professors."

Something made Severus Snape follow her to her room, whether it was genuine longing or an obligation he wasn't sure.

Together they stepped into the warm comfort of her abode and she led Severus to one of the chairs by the fire. He was shivering she realised. He sat down on the edge of his chair stiffly and gazed into the flames. Taya knelt down beside him.

"Professor Snape?"

He finally turned to her, uncertainty touched his face. She reached out and gently brushed a finger over his lips. He felt her move closer, then arms wrapped around him. Taya pulled him against her. To her surprise there wasn't any resistance and she held him. Severus didn't struggle. Instead he broke down sobbing silently against her shoulder.

She pulled his face up and met his eyes. Tears streaked down his cheeks and she wiped them away.

"I feel so foolish."

"Why?"

"It is obvious why you have brought me here." She was silent. "I've never as so much touched...a woman." Taya shook her head.

"You're not foolish, you're just inexperienced. It doesn't make you any less worthy of it. Besides, better starting later than never at all." She smiled. "And I'll enjoy teaching you."

"Then it appears that the tables have been turned," he muttered darkly and stood. Severus was flushing, then the coldness in his eyes returned. "The prospect of one of my ex-students teaching the teacher about sex, ridiculas." He pulled away and stood. Why me? Of all the men in this ruddy school. You pick me.

She seemed to read his mind. "Because, because..." She shrugged. "I don't know. I only know that this was meant to be."

"I am old enough to be your father," he stated heavily.

"So what! I like older men." Severus winced.

"I sometimes wonder whether I'd be better off alone. If it hadn't been for that kiss I would never-"

"It's not my fault Severus," she whimpered.

"This is bloody ridiculas."

"Why is it ridiculas?"

"Before you came along I was at least content with being an old miserable git."

"Severus," She stepped soundlessly over to him, "You have to learn to let go of the past and embrace the future."

"Easy words for you my dear, but ... the past has shaped my future and nothing or anyone can change who I am."

"I know you can't change who you are. I don't want you to be anyone else but yourself, but you can change your ideas, your motivations, your wants. Needs." Severus looked sour. " Didn't you have anything to aspire to when you were young?"

"Aspirations are for the-"

"Never mind." She sighed and looked down at the smooth stone floor.

"There was one thing." Taya gazed up and noticed the anxiety in his face. His sallow complexion paling even more and his dark doleful eyes were glazed and sombre. He appeared to be debating his next proclamation.

"And what would that be?"

Severus swallowed. Taya noticed the slight tremble of his lips and feared for a moment whether he was going to weep again.

She got up.

"Tell me," she anwhispered into his mouth. For a brief moment his mouth brushed against hers and she felt the exhalation of air caress her slightly parted lips.

"To be loved," he whispered.

She was drowning, falling into a dark whirlpool that was his eyes. And she was being pulled into them, spinning faster and faster into the dark inky depth of his vision.

She landed and felt the sensation of the floor under feet and her arms- Her fingers seemed to move forward as if daring. Daring to reach out and touch the man before her. A stranger.

A dark depressing shadow seemed to rest upon her mind and she was faintly aware of the sound of weeping. But Severus wasn't crying, at least not on the outside. Inside he was trapped inside a labyrinth of despair which he could not escape. The sad thing was the despair was his own doing. The only way to rid himself of the pain was to let go.

Taya realised she was inside his mind, but he didn't seem to care. She wasn't even sure he realised it himself. Severus was cloaked in his own darkness. She reached out with her mind and grabbed the thing she was focusing on. It was dense, dark and clammy. Smoke filled the empty space between her mind and his. She struggled to see into him. Only after a few blind moments she realised that he was projecting the smoke himself. A defence mechanism.

His mind was ragged and broken at the seams. Despair was choked at every corner, heavy morbid images of chaos and disillusion were shoved at her and she fought with ever ounce of integrity not to be swallowed down into the dark murkiness that was his conscience.

Someone screamed. It was a bitter twisted sound of pure hate. That hate, that sound she realised was coming from her. She hated what they had done to him. They had torn at his battered withering mind and soul not only raping his body, but his mind also. It may not have been a physical or physiological act thrust upon him but it was there neither the less. They had sought his mind in whatever way means and invaded it by force.

Taya found herself spiralling down a dark tunnel then she saw light. She felt the breath in her lungs, the feel of his taut body pressed against hers.

"It was necessary for them to get the required information. Sometimes I couldn't access it from my own memories so they took it by force." It was his voice. He was speaking to her. Reality seemed to crash down and she was back inside her own mind.

"Death Eaters," she murmured to herself. "Painful?"

"Indeed. Something's I have witnessed were so traumatic that the only way they could gather the necessary information was to search my mind."

"That's so terrible," she intoned.

Severus nodded once.

"But it was necessary. It was part of the job. I had chosen my path. I took it and excepted it."

"They are bastards. All of them, " she raged.

"You may have called me one too if you had known me then."

"Oh Sev." She slid her arms about his waist and rested her head against his chest. "That was a long long time ago."

You may not be so compassionate if you had witnessed it at first hand, he thought.

"I think you've found it."

"What?"

"What you have been looking for," she murmured into the fabric of his cloak. He felt her warm breath penetrate through to his skin.

"What are you droning on about?"

"I've got the key to the locked door."

"Stop those confounded riddles woman!"

Taya laughed out loud.

"You don't get it?"

"NO."

"Your aspiration."

"What? Have you lost your mind?"

"I love you," she said simply.

Never before did he feel such a wanting desire to simply melt into her embrace, but he pulled abruptly away when he heard those words.

"You can not possibly love me. This infliction you have has clouded all rational reasoning. I am a horrible person. Many can testify for that."

"They obviously don't know you very well and they've never seen into your heart." Severus shivered despite the comforting warmth of the room.

"I know what I feel Severus, gift or no gift. It's there and it stays."

"I must leave. This is obviously the result of excess hormones on my part."

He turned towards the doorway. Taya was shortly at his side.

"Don't clam up Sev. I know this is difficult for you and you're embarrassed. Scares you to death doesn't it?" She caught him there, right in the centre of his heart. He turned his head and looked down at her.

"I am scared." He was shocked by his own admittance. Taya didn't seem to hear him and was beginning to feel defeated. He was as stubborn as a ox.

"You can go if you want to. I won't force you to stay." Severus swallowed, mustering up courage and enough intrepidity to avoid running from her when the going got to tough to handle.

"No, I want to stay here with you." She smiled gentle.

"Did you really read all of that letter?" He asked pulling it out of the inside pocket of his cloak.

"Yes." She lowered her head feeling terribly guilty.

"Here, It is addressed to you after all." He offered it to her. Graciously she took it from him.

"I'm truly sorry Severus. If there is anything I can do to re-pay you. It was a terrible breach of privacy. I shouldn't have taken it."

"It was after all addressed to you."

"Well yes, but-"

"Read to me. Aloud."

Taya looked shocked. "What? Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay then." She sat down in the adjacent chair, took the letter from the envelope, carefully unfolding before she began.

Afterwards when she looked up and saw his face, slightly flushed from both embarrassment and the reflection of flames from the fire he spoke.

"It was difficult to write. "

"I'm sure. It was very brave of you."

"Brave?" He smiled slightly. "How could I be brave? I never intended for you to read it."

"Yes, but you wrote your true feelings down. That is a very brave thing to do in itself." The professor snorted. "It's true. You've always bottled up your feeling and to put them into words-"

"It is juvenile foolishness."

"Did it make you feel any better though?" Severus thought about this for a long while then looked up.

"Are you playing my therapist now?"

"Don't be silly." She frowned at him.

"You flatter yourself."

"Severus, you don't have to hide behind any false pretences with me. You are avoiding the question."

"And the question being?"

"Did it help writing it down?"

"Yes," he finally said.

"Then that's good isn't it?"

"How can it be good. I can not keep from thinking about you. I am at an awkward predisposition."

"Why? It's not bad to feel vulnerable. It's human. It makes you human."

"But I am not human."

"Don't be daft."

"I was a Death Eater. I have done terrible things."

"What about the terrible things done to you?"

"There is no solace for what I did. I joined the warriors of the Dark Lord."

"You are still living in a self made purgatory, Severus. Your crime was long ago as I keep telling you. You've served your crime. Your punishment is over." She moved over to him and leaned in close taking his face between her hands.

"Your only crime now is isolating yourself from the world. You deserve to be loved by someone special enough, patent enough to show you, guide you through the difficult times ahead. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, it wont. Please open your heart, just a fraction like you did in that letter." He looked down cast. "For me?"

He managed a weak nod. Taya smiled. She gazed at the roaring fire then threw the letter onto it. The parchment curled and smoked as the flames ignited, destroying it.

"I want you to love me," he whispered softly into her ear.

"I already do. Our love will be like those igniting flames," she whispered. "Burning forever. And beside we don't want our precious love letters getting into the mitts of those children." He was about to say something when she interrupted. "Come on let me lay you down." Severus pulled away but was abruptly held and led to her bed. She pulled off his cloak then proceeded to unbutton the night shirt. He simply stared at her with those huge unfathomable dark eyes, but tensed when he felt her fingers slide under his shirt and caress bare skin.

"I know you've wanted this for a long time. Oh god, I've wanted it too," she said with a sigh and finished unbuttoning the thin grey fabric and pulled it open.

"I feel your desperation," she murmured while running her fingers over his temples and sensed the subliminal longing in his heart.

Taya heard a feeble "No," as she ran her hand over the slight curve of his belly. Her reaction to his pale scarred skin was shock.

"Oh Gods. How did you get these?" She slid her fingers over the deep scars as if her touch could melt them away then focused on a particularly deep one across his throat, silvery now but for a time it must have been an ugly obtrusive purple slash.

"They beat me."

She pushed him back against the pillow and climbed onto the bed beside him, her touch never leaving him. Severus finally let his eyes close as her mouth met his and a tender kiss progressed.

"Severus what happened to you?" She said after a time of quiet reflection.

"It a long story. I don't like to think about it much."

"I can understand," she whispered. "But please tell me what happened to you."

"Perhaps another time." Taya gazed at clock on the mantelpiece. It said quarter past four.

"You are right," she murmured. "I have a class to teach early tomorrow, first period."

"And I am fatigued," he said. Taya nodded.

He got to his feet and abruptly re-fastened his night robes then grabbed the black cloak. Severus turned to the door then stopped. "If you love me that much please understand that I need some time alone to digest this evenings little chat."

"Of cause." Un-expectantly he took her hand and lightly planted a kiss on it before she pulled it away. Taya smiled almost shyly and felt her cheeks flush.

"Goodnight Miss Matterson," he said then glided with his usual customary grace out of her rooms towards his own quarters.

"Good night Professor," she whispered behind him.