Chiana stood up and paced Moya's deck for a micron before turning back to the Pa'u.
"That's no way to live, Zhaan. I don't think 'Ret would want it," she said in a quiet voice.
Zhaan remained silent but nodded her baldhead in agreement with the younger woman.
"So you and Malika refuse to try this healing technique on Berret?" she asked, gearing herself up to argue the point with the Delvian woman. To Chiana's surprise, Zhaan shook her head.
"I didn't say that. I said we didn't believe it had much chance of success. Malika has already agreed to help should I decide to attempt it."
"I thought you said she doesn't have the training needed for that yet?" asked the Nebari.
"She doesn't. In this case she only needs to lend me her strength while I go into a form of Unity with Berret. The training would help prepare her for the drain on her mental resources but in this case we wouldn't have time to prepare her for the experience. The question is... do we have the right to make that decision to attempt it for Berret?"
"How do we decide that?" asked Chiana.
Zhaan looked away from the girl, for some reason not being able to look her in the eye while she told her what came next. "I talked it over with the others. Crichton says that humans have a tradition when one of them is too sick or injured to make their own choices about medical treatment; a family member or close personal friend usually makes the decision for them. We all mostly agreed that Berret would want you to make that choice for him as you are the closest member of the crew to him."
Chiana could tell that Zhaan felt rather guilty about laying the burden on her shoulders, she could also tell something else bothered her.
"You said 'mostly' everyone agreed that I should be the one to decide. Who held out?" she asked.
Zhaan looked at her a microt too long before answering.
"It was you," Chiana said a moment later, now sure of it.
"Yes," Zhaan admitted. "Not because I disagree that Berret would want you to be the one who decided for him. I just want to be sure you'd choose what's best for him and not what you think would be best for you."
Chiana wrung her hands together, when did life become so complicated she thought to herself.
"I don't know, Zhaan. I'm not sure where one begins and the other ends anymore," she finally confessed.
Zhaan relaxed visibly. "The fact that you doubt yourself at all, tells me you'll do what's right for him in the end," the Delvian told her. "You have a few arns to make a final decision. It will take that long for Malika and I to prepare. We are willing to abide by whatever you think is the best course of action."
Zhaan looked pensive for a microt and then continued, "There's something else you should know. Even with a twelfth level priest, this technique is not a total restoration of the being it is performed on."
"What do you mean?" asked Chiana in concern.
"The technique requires segregating the section of his mind that is traumatized and blocking or walling it off from the rest. If it works, most of his recent memories will be lost as a result."
"How much of his recent memory are we talking?" the Nebari woman asked, feeling her heart sink.
"It's not an exact science under the best of conditions," said Zhaan. "The best we will be able to hope for if this works is that he will only lose somewhere between one quarter to one half of the last cycle. Maybe more considering Malika and I have never done something like this before."
"A quarter cycle or more gone? He won't remember two solar days ago," asked Chiana. "He won't... remember us?"
Zhaan shook her head knowing that she was referring to the fact that they had finally become lover's on the planet's surface, she felt the Nebari girl's sadness and shared her sense of loss.
"I'm afraid not. To him it will never have happened," Zhaan told her honestly. "Chiana, I know you've worked hard to help him regain the parts of himself that he'd lost and you did it despite everyone telling you, you were too immature to take on such a responsibility. You should be proud of what you achieved and there is no reason you can't do it over again if you had to. You both care deeply for each other and as long as you have that, anything is possible. He might be missing some time but you can rebuild the few days you've lost. If this works at least he will be here to try again. It'll just take a little more time is all."
Chiana sniffled back a tear. "I know, Zhaan. It's just so hard to think about it. I thought I'd finally won and all that stuff Shenna told me was coming true. I thought I'd finally reached through that wall around his heart... and I thought I had problems trusting or loving people," she half joked with a sad tiny chuckle.
Zhaan patted her shoulder in comfort. "We've all undergone serious changes in the last few cycles, mostly for the better as far as I can see. Even Rygel," she added to get the girl to smile slightly.
"Yeah... even Frog-face," Chiana agreed quietly with a tight smile of her own.
"Be strong, you will be able to find him again," Zhaan reassured her.
Chiana thanked the woman as the Delvian got up to leave the Nebari to her thoughts and the judgment she had to make.
"You may go in to see him if you wish. He's being kept unconscious but you can go sit with him while you think your decision over. I'll see that you're not disturbed and comm you when its time."
Chiana sat beside the med-bed and gazed at the man who lay there. If it hadn't been for the restraints she could almost believe Berret was merely sleeping. The peaceful look on his face belaying the soulless stare she'd last seen there. She took one of his hands in hers, having removed her gloves so she could feel the warmth of his skin against hers.
"Well, here we are," she said out loud, unable to bear the almost silence of the room. She searched Berret's face for a reaction to her voice, but as she had thought, his slumber was too deep to elicit a response.
"Here's another mess you've gotten us into," she continued in a small jest. She had heard somewhere that humor was suppose to be the best medicine. She couldn't recall where she had heard it before. It was probably one of Crichton's dumb sayings she concluded. "I don't think Brunt's going to be getting his rematch anytime soon," she told the sleeping man idly. "This looks like it's going to be a hard one but we'll get through it, you'll see," she promised. "You and me together... partners in crime."
Chiana bit her lower lip and then lowered her head to rub her cheek against the back of his hand.
"I wanted to tell you that night," she said after a few microts, "how much you've come to mean to me. And I just wanted you to know... that I knew what it was you were going to tell me. You didn't have to say anything to me because I could see it in your eyes... feel it in your touch... hear it in your heartbeat. I just wish I could have heard you say it anyway."
She looked up into his face, a single tear burned a hot trail down her cheek as she reached up and stroked the side of his face.
"I've waited my whole life to feel this way about someone and now it looks like either way I'm going to lose it again. Shenna said I would teach you how to love. He promised we'd be together in the end and you would love me as much as I realized I loved you."
She gave an almost humorless chuckle.
"Who can you trust if not a Shrike Grandmaster, huh?" Chiana looked down as she rubbed his callused hand between hers, feeling the hard knuckles and the coarse edges of his palms. The hardened surfaces that she knew could break bone but that had held her so gently no more then two days ago.
"I know..." she said as she inhaled deeply, "that you're ashamed of what they made you. That you don't think you deserve to be happy. I try so hard to show you that you're wrong... that we all deserve to be happy. I want to make you understand that you're not alone anymore. We're all here for you and care what happens to you." Chiana paused and licked her lips as she tried to put her thoughts in order.
"I wish you were awake to hear this. I'm not going to give up on you, none of us are. Zhaan's going to do her best to bring you back to us. Malika's even willing to take the risk with her. What's that tell you? The girl who couldn't even stand to be in the same room with you when you all first came aboard sticking her neck out... isn't that something? Even D'argo refused to leave you behind."
She leaned forward and tried to comb a wayward lock of his dark hair back into place.
"Oh Retty, you've turned my life upside down. Sometimes I wonder, 'Who is this pitiful male whose complicated things so much for me.' Then I realize... I don't know what I'd do if all of a sudden you were gone from my life. The only thing I'm sure of anymore is I don't want to lose you. You're so much like Crichton and at the same time so much not like him, I can see why Aeryn loves John so much."
She smiled down into his sleeping face.
"I promise you no matter how long it takes we'll get back to where we were the other night."
She bent down and pressed her black lips to his in a gentle kiss.
"You may not remember us being together, but I'll remember for the both of us until we can make new memories together again."
Chiana spent the remainder of her time alone with Berret holding his hand and stroking his hair until Zhaan called for her decision.
The crew had gathered inside the med-lab as the pair of Delvians prepared themselves for the attempt to save the Shrike. John looked around at his friends and considered how much they had all changed since they'd first been thrown together. Gone were the old ways of each of them fending for themselves and looking out for their own best interest and survival. Replacing the instinct for self-preservation was the grim determination that they would each fight to the end for the others. It was remarkable to him how a group of beings so alien to each other could learn to be so... human. A small smile lit his face as the thought occurred to him, not that he would ever voice the comment out loud and bear the browbeating he knew he would get for inferring his new friends had grown a few human qualities. Chiana stood by with a tense serious look on her young face, to his surprise he saw Aeryn slip a hand into hers and gently squeeze it in support. Not something a hardened Peacekeeper would normally do. Malika stood next to Zhaan as the older Delvian meditated for a few microns. She had just tied her long blue hair back out of her face with a length of cloth and then turned to look nervously at Andar. The Sebacean man caught the look and gave her a reassuring smile. He bent over and whispered something into the Delvian's tiny perfectly shaped ear that caused the woman to get a lopsided smile and lightly chuckle in reaction to whatever he was telling her. Crichton could almost see some of the tension ease from her thin frame. He considered the Sebacean man for a moment. Andar was probably one of the most pleasant persons he'd met in the Territories. He was complicated and easy going at the same time, always reading or building something in his little makeshift lab workshop. He'd had enough conversations with the man to know that he was well-educated and genuinely liked people but at the same time he could come off as the most hardened Peacekeeper if the situation called for it. John at just recently witness that strange transformation when they were dealing with Berret's surviving captor as Andar interrogated the man for answers about what they had done to Berret. No matter how the man tried to lie or downplay his part in their crewmate's abduction from the hotel, the ex-teacher zeroed in on the falsehood and let Danner know in no uncertain terms that Andar knew he was lying. The Sebacean was like a human lie detector, his cool intelligent eyes and expressionless exterior projecting a quiet unnerving sense of menace while he questioned the other man. John could see Danner visibly shrink from Andar's unspoken threats. It left Crichton with a strange feeling when after watching the interrogation the Sebacean turned and smiled at John and suddenly there was the old Andar he'd come to know. It must have been obvious on his face what he was thinking as Andar leaned in close and whispered, "I learned that from teaching three grades of middle school." John almost laughed out loud as he suddenly had a vision of Andar interrogating a group of mischievous school kids over a spitball fight.
Zhaan opened her eyes and looked at Malika. "Are you ready?" she asked her protégé.
Malika drew in a long deep breath. "As ready as I'll ever be," she said as she moved to Zhaan's side. "Lets go save gloom-boy's eema... again." Zhaan smiled at the girl's bravado, knowing the younger woman was extremely nervous about attempting such a dangerous journey into the Seek with so little training.
"Just relax and let me guide the joining. Your only task is to add your strength to my efforts to reach Berret and reorder his conscious mind. Do not attempt to act for yourself no matter what you hear or see. I will decide what to reorder and what to suppress," she explained one last time to the girl. "Only one of us can be in control of the Unity and it must be me."
"I understand, Zhaan," Malika said, glad that Zhaan and not she would be in control of the experience in any event.
Zhaan nodded. "Let us begin then," she said and then going to the head of the med-bed, she placed both her hands along Berret's temples and closed her eyes. Malika moved into position behind her and place her own hands along Zhaan's head in a copy of what she did to the injured man. Malika closed her eyes and felt herself swept away in a rush.
Zhaan opened her psychic eyes and found herself standing among a group of people in the middle of a wasteland. She wasn't surprised to find herself there as she'd visited the place several times before in her Unity sessions with Berret. However the landscape was somewhat different then those other occasions, this time instead of being relatively dark and the beings nothing more then shadowy figures, the place was lit as brightly as if under a noon day sun. The people around her were cast in the bright light that revealed all their mortal, and now bloodless, death wounds. With the new detail brought to Berret's world of nightmares she considered that the man had planned on remaining there a very long time.
"Is this what he sees when he dreams?" asked Malika in shock from behind her. Zhaan hear her voice as plain as day and could feel the girl's presence behind her but she didn't bother turning around knowing that the other woman wouldn't be standing there. Malika heard and saw everything Zhaan did, but like a ghost the woman couldn't interact in this part of the dream as Zhaan could. She could only add her will to Zhaan's own.
"Yes," she replied to the disembodied voice that no matter where she turned to look was always behind her. "This is where his psyche punishes himself with the perceived ghosts of his victims."
"You mean all these people are real?" asked the voice.
"I don't know," replied Zhaan with a slight shrug. "They are to Berret and that is all that matters in the end."
Malika was silent for a moment and Zhaan could sense the girl's attention scanning the mass of people who seemed to totally ignore their presence in their midst.
"How do we find him?" the voice asked a few microts later. "Will he look like himself here?"
"He usually appears as himself but that doesn't necessary hold true in the dream realm. He could appear as a child, a different man or woman... or even an animal. It depends on what part of his mind is controlling the dream reality at the moment," explained the older Pa'u.
"That's lovely. Nothing like making our job easier," commented Malika dryly. "Any ideas on where to even began to look?"
Zhaan noticed that most of the people in the crowd where facing in a single direction.
"I think that would be a good direction to start," said Zhaan as she moved off through the mob, feeling Malika's presence being dragged along behind her. The throng didn't utter a single word as Zhaan pushed her way through. Time had a strange way of flowing and Zhaan wasn't exactly sure how long she moved through the crowd. It felt like it could have been microts one instant then microns or arns the next. She finally reached the edge of the mass of beings and discovered Berret. The man looked very much like himself. He was dressed in his cloak and armor while standing with his back to her, looking out over a dark abyss, the dark chasm signifying the edge of his nightmare world.
Zhaan felt Malika's presence turn back to survey the crowd they'd just traveled through.
"He can't possibly have killed this many people," the younger Delvian's voice said.
"Probably not," agreed Zhaan. "I don't believe he truly knows how many the Syndicate forced him to murder. His subconscious simply projects this mass because he feels he needs to face his accusers and be punished. He might also not only include his actual victims but the lives of the families and friends he's disrupted... counting them as victims also."
"The psyche is a complicated thing, but I didn't know he was this frelled up," comment Malika. Before Zhaan could reprimand her, she felt Malika mentally tap her on the shoulder.
"Uh-oh, look at who else is here," said the girl's voice.
Zhaan got the feeling that her attention was being directed to her left. Turning her mental eyes that way she saw Chiana standing just on the edge of the crowd. Unlike the Chiana she'd just left in the real world, this Chiana was even paler then normal. Her skin and lips drained of the bluish-gray tint of life she usually had. The only splash of real color on the Nebari girl was the vicious gash marring her chest. Her clothes were covered with dried Nebari blood.
"That explains his break with reality and why he keeps insisting Chiana is dead in his semi-lucid ramblings," said Zhaan. "Somehow he's come to believe he's killed her here."
"Can we just show him she's really alive in the waking world?" asked Malika. Zhaan mentally shook her head at the other woman.
"The plane our bodies are still on is no longer true to Berret. To him, this is the real world. What he makes for himself here is reality as far as he's concerned."
The Priestess felt Malika frown. "This psyche reality is starting to give me a headache," she said. "What do we do now?"
"First we have to get his attention here. Make him acknowledge us as real on this plane before we can began to help him," explained Zhaan as she took a step forward toward Berret. Out of nowhere a young boy, also with a nasty chest wound, appeared and blocked her way to the man.
"You don't belong here," the boy accused.
"Let me pass," replied the Delvian. The boy refused to move, staring at her with cold dead eyes.
"The murderer belongs here with us," the ghost hissed a few microts later.
"No," said Zhaan. "He belongs back with us who love him."
"There can be no love for such as us," the boy spat. Malika felt Zhaan's attention perk up at the strange statement. "Who is he?" she asked the older Pa'u.
"I wasn't sure until he said 'us' instead of 'him' when talking about Berret. I believe this is part of Berret's moral conscious. The part that wants to make atonement for his crimes."
"Interesting," said Malika. "How the yotz can you be sure of that?"
"I don't know. Just a feeling," replied Zhaan. She next chanted a small prayer and did her best to fill her soul with the love she felt for all living things. Then picturing the love as a ball of energy sitting in the palm of her hand, she reached forward until her hand and the glowing sphere touched the boy. Almost immediately the child's image faded away.
"What did you do?" Malika said in alarm. "You didn't kill it, did you?"
Zhaan smiled at the younger woman's apprehension. "No. I simply pacified it with the love it claims couldn't exist."
"You sort of put it to sleep then. I'll have to remember that the next time I go running around someone else's mind," quipped the younger woman.
Zhaan moved to Berret's side to see the man staring with vacant eyes at the vast emptiness before him.
"Berret?" she asked softly, not sure if it be wise to touch the man's whose mind she was in. To her relieve Berret turned to regard her with uninterested eyes.
"Are you here to blame me for your death also?" he asked after a few microts.
"I'm here to bring you home," Zhaan responded gently.
"Home?" repeated the Shrike with a hint of confusion. "I am home," he said, waving his arm to encompass the wasteland that surrounded them. "Are you sure you're not here to blame me for killing you?" he asked again.
Zhaan shook her head no. Berret turned back to look out over the abyss once again. "I didn't think so. You don't look dead," he told her and then begun to hum a tune she'd heard John croon on occasion. The he cut it off suddenly. "That's what I do, you know," Berret continued as if talking about the weather. "I kill people for the Syndicate and then we all come here to live."
"He's mega-frelled," Zhaan heard Malika say in her head. The elder Delvian forced herself to ignore the other woman's idle mental chatter and focus on Berret. Malika figuratively shuttered as she realized that Zhaan had picked up the roaming thought she'd just allowed to escape.
"No, that not true," Zhaan denied. "You never willingly murdered anyone."
Berret watched her with a lopsided quirky look. "You're new here, aren't you?" he asked.
"I'm here to take you back," Zhaan told him firmly, sensing his attention was wandering.
"Back where?"
"Back home where Chiana is waiting for you," Zhaan said again, playing the Nebari girl like a trump card.
Berret cocked his head almost like the Nebari girl was wont to do sometimes and then pursed his lips.
"Chiana's dead," he said as if explaining a fact to a small child. "I killed her."
Zhaan vigorously shook her head in denial. "Chiana is not dead," she said. She realized an instant later that somehow the Chiana apparition had joined them. The specter tilted her head slightly and gazed wordlessly at the woman with the same interested-not interested look that Berret had. Her lips, now a pale gray in death, parted slightly as if waiting for the answer to a question.
"Yes, she is. See?" Berret went on to say as he absently waved a hand in the ghost's direction. "I didn't mean to kill her but she refuses to listen to me."
Berret turned to the silent Nebari and Zhaan was surprised to see a flicker of sadness fill his eyes.
"She won't forgive me. She'll never forgive me," he muttered.
Zhaan wasn't sure if the same trick she used on the boy ghost would work on the Chiana image, but she decided to give it a try while Berret's attention was focused on the Nebari's likeness. With the same ball of light in her hands she touched Chiana on the shoulder and like the boy she faded away to nothing.
Berret regarded the occurrence with only mild interest at best. Acting not surprised in the least by the disappearing Nebari woman.
"You see? Chiana isn't here," Zhaan insisted. Berret shrugged.
"It doesn't matter. She'll be back. She always comes back," he said and then turned back to face the chasm, seemly to forget Zhaan was there at all.
"What do we do now?" asked Malika. Zhaan bit her lip while she thought for a microt.
"I'd hoped to talk him into cooperating with us but it looks like we're going to have to go in without his help."
"Go in where?" asked the girl confused.
"Into Berret's mind," Zhaan answered.
"I thought we already were in his mind."
Zhaan mentally sighed. "I mean this Berret's mind," she explained while pointing at the man in front of her. Malika made a mental sound of still not understanding.
"We are in Berret's mind, but this image of himself is the center of it all. The part that is the being, the person that makes him who he is."
"I still don't get it?" apologized the other Delvian.
"Just think of everything we see here as a land... or a kingdom. And he, is the king," tried Zhaan.
"Oh!" exclaimed Malika in understanding. "What's that thing Crichton always says? He's like the man behind the curtain who runs the show," she said as she remembered.
"Exactly," answered the older Delvian. "In there is where we'll have to reorder his mind to set things right again."
"Okay, so how do we get in?" asked the voice.
"That's the easy part. Getting the work done and getting out again is going to be the trick. Are you ready?" Zhaan asked.
"No. But don't let that stop you," replied Malika.
"All right. Relax and do only what I tell you to do."
"Okay."
Zhaan closed her eyes and cleared her thoughts. She started to chant and Malika felt herself almost become solid in the dream world. Suddenly Zhaan ceased praying.
"Take one step forward," she ordered.
Malika simply thought of taking the step and she felt the disembodied presence she had become move forward and occupy the same space that Zhaan's dream body did. Suddenly she seemed to be locked inside of the older Delvian.
"Don't panic. Relax," ordered the older woman again. "Things are as they should be. Just let me have control." Malika forced her mind to calm and let the other woman take over her movements.
Zhaan/Malika stepped closer to the Shrike. "Berret!" they called his name.
The man turned again to look at them, his eyes still far off and disinterested. Zhaan/Malika reached forward with one blue fingertip to touch the man's forehead. At the contact, a point of light grew until it exploded in a bright spark. In the next instant all three of them were gone.
"That's no way to live, Zhaan. I don't think 'Ret would want it," she said in a quiet voice.
Zhaan remained silent but nodded her baldhead in agreement with the younger woman.
"So you and Malika refuse to try this healing technique on Berret?" she asked, gearing herself up to argue the point with the Delvian woman. To Chiana's surprise, Zhaan shook her head.
"I didn't say that. I said we didn't believe it had much chance of success. Malika has already agreed to help should I decide to attempt it."
"I thought you said she doesn't have the training needed for that yet?" asked the Nebari.
"She doesn't. In this case she only needs to lend me her strength while I go into a form of Unity with Berret. The training would help prepare her for the drain on her mental resources but in this case we wouldn't have time to prepare her for the experience. The question is... do we have the right to make that decision to attempt it for Berret?"
"How do we decide that?" asked Chiana.
Zhaan looked away from the girl, for some reason not being able to look her in the eye while she told her what came next. "I talked it over with the others. Crichton says that humans have a tradition when one of them is too sick or injured to make their own choices about medical treatment; a family member or close personal friend usually makes the decision for them. We all mostly agreed that Berret would want you to make that choice for him as you are the closest member of the crew to him."
Chiana could tell that Zhaan felt rather guilty about laying the burden on her shoulders, she could also tell something else bothered her.
"You said 'mostly' everyone agreed that I should be the one to decide. Who held out?" she asked.
Zhaan looked at her a microt too long before answering.
"It was you," Chiana said a moment later, now sure of it.
"Yes," Zhaan admitted. "Not because I disagree that Berret would want you to be the one who decided for him. I just want to be sure you'd choose what's best for him and not what you think would be best for you."
Chiana wrung her hands together, when did life become so complicated she thought to herself.
"I don't know, Zhaan. I'm not sure where one begins and the other ends anymore," she finally confessed.
Zhaan relaxed visibly. "The fact that you doubt yourself at all, tells me you'll do what's right for him in the end," the Delvian told her. "You have a few arns to make a final decision. It will take that long for Malika and I to prepare. We are willing to abide by whatever you think is the best course of action."
Zhaan looked pensive for a microt and then continued, "There's something else you should know. Even with a twelfth level priest, this technique is not a total restoration of the being it is performed on."
"What do you mean?" asked Chiana in concern.
"The technique requires segregating the section of his mind that is traumatized and blocking or walling it off from the rest. If it works, most of his recent memories will be lost as a result."
"How much of his recent memory are we talking?" the Nebari woman asked, feeling her heart sink.
"It's not an exact science under the best of conditions," said Zhaan. "The best we will be able to hope for if this works is that he will only lose somewhere between one quarter to one half of the last cycle. Maybe more considering Malika and I have never done something like this before."
"A quarter cycle or more gone? He won't remember two solar days ago," asked Chiana. "He won't... remember us?"
Zhaan shook her head knowing that she was referring to the fact that they had finally become lover's on the planet's surface, she felt the Nebari girl's sadness and shared her sense of loss.
"I'm afraid not. To him it will never have happened," Zhaan told her honestly. "Chiana, I know you've worked hard to help him regain the parts of himself that he'd lost and you did it despite everyone telling you, you were too immature to take on such a responsibility. You should be proud of what you achieved and there is no reason you can't do it over again if you had to. You both care deeply for each other and as long as you have that, anything is possible. He might be missing some time but you can rebuild the few days you've lost. If this works at least he will be here to try again. It'll just take a little more time is all."
Chiana sniffled back a tear. "I know, Zhaan. It's just so hard to think about it. I thought I'd finally won and all that stuff Shenna told me was coming true. I thought I'd finally reached through that wall around his heart... and I thought I had problems trusting or loving people," she half joked with a sad tiny chuckle.
Zhaan patted her shoulder in comfort. "We've all undergone serious changes in the last few cycles, mostly for the better as far as I can see. Even Rygel," she added to get the girl to smile slightly.
"Yeah... even Frog-face," Chiana agreed quietly with a tight smile of her own.
"Be strong, you will be able to find him again," Zhaan reassured her.
Chiana thanked the woman as the Delvian got up to leave the Nebari to her thoughts and the judgment she had to make.
"You may go in to see him if you wish. He's being kept unconscious but you can go sit with him while you think your decision over. I'll see that you're not disturbed and comm you when its time."
Chiana sat beside the med-bed and gazed at the man who lay there. If it hadn't been for the restraints she could almost believe Berret was merely sleeping. The peaceful look on his face belaying the soulless stare she'd last seen there. She took one of his hands in hers, having removed her gloves so she could feel the warmth of his skin against hers.
"Well, here we are," she said out loud, unable to bear the almost silence of the room. She searched Berret's face for a reaction to her voice, but as she had thought, his slumber was too deep to elicit a response.
"Here's another mess you've gotten us into," she continued in a small jest. She had heard somewhere that humor was suppose to be the best medicine. She couldn't recall where she had heard it before. It was probably one of Crichton's dumb sayings she concluded. "I don't think Brunt's going to be getting his rematch anytime soon," she told the sleeping man idly. "This looks like it's going to be a hard one but we'll get through it, you'll see," she promised. "You and me together... partners in crime."
Chiana bit her lower lip and then lowered her head to rub her cheek against the back of his hand.
"I wanted to tell you that night," she said after a few microts, "how much you've come to mean to me. And I just wanted you to know... that I knew what it was you were going to tell me. You didn't have to say anything to me because I could see it in your eyes... feel it in your touch... hear it in your heartbeat. I just wish I could have heard you say it anyway."
She looked up into his face, a single tear burned a hot trail down her cheek as she reached up and stroked the side of his face.
"I've waited my whole life to feel this way about someone and now it looks like either way I'm going to lose it again. Shenna said I would teach you how to love. He promised we'd be together in the end and you would love me as much as I realized I loved you."
She gave an almost humorless chuckle.
"Who can you trust if not a Shrike Grandmaster, huh?" Chiana looked down as she rubbed his callused hand between hers, feeling the hard knuckles and the coarse edges of his palms. The hardened surfaces that she knew could break bone but that had held her so gently no more then two days ago.
"I know..." she said as she inhaled deeply, "that you're ashamed of what they made you. That you don't think you deserve to be happy. I try so hard to show you that you're wrong... that we all deserve to be happy. I want to make you understand that you're not alone anymore. We're all here for you and care what happens to you." Chiana paused and licked her lips as she tried to put her thoughts in order.
"I wish you were awake to hear this. I'm not going to give up on you, none of us are. Zhaan's going to do her best to bring you back to us. Malika's even willing to take the risk with her. What's that tell you? The girl who couldn't even stand to be in the same room with you when you all first came aboard sticking her neck out... isn't that something? Even D'argo refused to leave you behind."
She leaned forward and tried to comb a wayward lock of his dark hair back into place.
"Oh Retty, you've turned my life upside down. Sometimes I wonder, 'Who is this pitiful male whose complicated things so much for me.' Then I realize... I don't know what I'd do if all of a sudden you were gone from my life. The only thing I'm sure of anymore is I don't want to lose you. You're so much like Crichton and at the same time so much not like him, I can see why Aeryn loves John so much."
She smiled down into his sleeping face.
"I promise you no matter how long it takes we'll get back to where we were the other night."
She bent down and pressed her black lips to his in a gentle kiss.
"You may not remember us being together, but I'll remember for the both of us until we can make new memories together again."
Chiana spent the remainder of her time alone with Berret holding his hand and stroking his hair until Zhaan called for her decision.
The crew had gathered inside the med-lab as the pair of Delvians prepared themselves for the attempt to save the Shrike. John looked around at his friends and considered how much they had all changed since they'd first been thrown together. Gone were the old ways of each of them fending for themselves and looking out for their own best interest and survival. Replacing the instinct for self-preservation was the grim determination that they would each fight to the end for the others. It was remarkable to him how a group of beings so alien to each other could learn to be so... human. A small smile lit his face as the thought occurred to him, not that he would ever voice the comment out loud and bear the browbeating he knew he would get for inferring his new friends had grown a few human qualities. Chiana stood by with a tense serious look on her young face, to his surprise he saw Aeryn slip a hand into hers and gently squeeze it in support. Not something a hardened Peacekeeper would normally do. Malika stood next to Zhaan as the older Delvian meditated for a few microns. She had just tied her long blue hair back out of her face with a length of cloth and then turned to look nervously at Andar. The Sebacean man caught the look and gave her a reassuring smile. He bent over and whispered something into the Delvian's tiny perfectly shaped ear that caused the woman to get a lopsided smile and lightly chuckle in reaction to whatever he was telling her. Crichton could almost see some of the tension ease from her thin frame. He considered the Sebacean man for a moment. Andar was probably one of the most pleasant persons he'd met in the Territories. He was complicated and easy going at the same time, always reading or building something in his little makeshift lab workshop. He'd had enough conversations with the man to know that he was well-educated and genuinely liked people but at the same time he could come off as the most hardened Peacekeeper if the situation called for it. John at just recently witness that strange transformation when they were dealing with Berret's surviving captor as Andar interrogated the man for answers about what they had done to Berret. No matter how the man tried to lie or downplay his part in their crewmate's abduction from the hotel, the ex-teacher zeroed in on the falsehood and let Danner know in no uncertain terms that Andar knew he was lying. The Sebacean was like a human lie detector, his cool intelligent eyes and expressionless exterior projecting a quiet unnerving sense of menace while he questioned the other man. John could see Danner visibly shrink from Andar's unspoken threats. It left Crichton with a strange feeling when after watching the interrogation the Sebacean turned and smiled at John and suddenly there was the old Andar he'd come to know. It must have been obvious on his face what he was thinking as Andar leaned in close and whispered, "I learned that from teaching three grades of middle school." John almost laughed out loud as he suddenly had a vision of Andar interrogating a group of mischievous school kids over a spitball fight.
Zhaan opened her eyes and looked at Malika. "Are you ready?" she asked her protégé.
Malika drew in a long deep breath. "As ready as I'll ever be," she said as she moved to Zhaan's side. "Lets go save gloom-boy's eema... again." Zhaan smiled at the girl's bravado, knowing the younger woman was extremely nervous about attempting such a dangerous journey into the Seek with so little training.
"Just relax and let me guide the joining. Your only task is to add your strength to my efforts to reach Berret and reorder his conscious mind. Do not attempt to act for yourself no matter what you hear or see. I will decide what to reorder and what to suppress," she explained one last time to the girl. "Only one of us can be in control of the Unity and it must be me."
"I understand, Zhaan," Malika said, glad that Zhaan and not she would be in control of the experience in any event.
Zhaan nodded. "Let us begin then," she said and then going to the head of the med-bed, she placed both her hands along Berret's temples and closed her eyes. Malika moved into position behind her and place her own hands along Zhaan's head in a copy of what she did to the injured man. Malika closed her eyes and felt herself swept away in a rush.
Zhaan opened her psychic eyes and found herself standing among a group of people in the middle of a wasteland. She wasn't surprised to find herself there as she'd visited the place several times before in her Unity sessions with Berret. However the landscape was somewhat different then those other occasions, this time instead of being relatively dark and the beings nothing more then shadowy figures, the place was lit as brightly as if under a noon day sun. The people around her were cast in the bright light that revealed all their mortal, and now bloodless, death wounds. With the new detail brought to Berret's world of nightmares she considered that the man had planned on remaining there a very long time.
"Is this what he sees when he dreams?" asked Malika in shock from behind her. Zhaan hear her voice as plain as day and could feel the girl's presence behind her but she didn't bother turning around knowing that the other woman wouldn't be standing there. Malika heard and saw everything Zhaan did, but like a ghost the woman couldn't interact in this part of the dream as Zhaan could. She could only add her will to Zhaan's own.
"Yes," she replied to the disembodied voice that no matter where she turned to look was always behind her. "This is where his psyche punishes himself with the perceived ghosts of his victims."
"You mean all these people are real?" asked the voice.
"I don't know," replied Zhaan with a slight shrug. "They are to Berret and that is all that matters in the end."
Malika was silent for a moment and Zhaan could sense the girl's attention scanning the mass of people who seemed to totally ignore their presence in their midst.
"How do we find him?" the voice asked a few microts later. "Will he look like himself here?"
"He usually appears as himself but that doesn't necessary hold true in the dream realm. He could appear as a child, a different man or woman... or even an animal. It depends on what part of his mind is controlling the dream reality at the moment," explained the older Pa'u.
"That's lovely. Nothing like making our job easier," commented Malika dryly. "Any ideas on where to even began to look?"
Zhaan noticed that most of the people in the crowd where facing in a single direction.
"I think that would be a good direction to start," said Zhaan as she moved off through the mob, feeling Malika's presence being dragged along behind her. The throng didn't utter a single word as Zhaan pushed her way through. Time had a strange way of flowing and Zhaan wasn't exactly sure how long she moved through the crowd. It felt like it could have been microts one instant then microns or arns the next. She finally reached the edge of the mass of beings and discovered Berret. The man looked very much like himself. He was dressed in his cloak and armor while standing with his back to her, looking out over a dark abyss, the dark chasm signifying the edge of his nightmare world.
Zhaan felt Malika's presence turn back to survey the crowd they'd just traveled through.
"He can't possibly have killed this many people," the younger Delvian's voice said.
"Probably not," agreed Zhaan. "I don't believe he truly knows how many the Syndicate forced him to murder. His subconscious simply projects this mass because he feels he needs to face his accusers and be punished. He might also not only include his actual victims but the lives of the families and friends he's disrupted... counting them as victims also."
"The psyche is a complicated thing, but I didn't know he was this frelled up," comment Malika. Before Zhaan could reprimand her, she felt Malika mentally tap her on the shoulder.
"Uh-oh, look at who else is here," said the girl's voice.
Zhaan got the feeling that her attention was being directed to her left. Turning her mental eyes that way she saw Chiana standing just on the edge of the crowd. Unlike the Chiana she'd just left in the real world, this Chiana was even paler then normal. Her skin and lips drained of the bluish-gray tint of life she usually had. The only splash of real color on the Nebari girl was the vicious gash marring her chest. Her clothes were covered with dried Nebari blood.
"That explains his break with reality and why he keeps insisting Chiana is dead in his semi-lucid ramblings," said Zhaan. "Somehow he's come to believe he's killed her here."
"Can we just show him she's really alive in the waking world?" asked Malika. Zhaan mentally shook her head at the other woman.
"The plane our bodies are still on is no longer true to Berret. To him, this is the real world. What he makes for himself here is reality as far as he's concerned."
The Priestess felt Malika frown. "This psyche reality is starting to give me a headache," she said. "What do we do now?"
"First we have to get his attention here. Make him acknowledge us as real on this plane before we can began to help him," explained Zhaan as she took a step forward toward Berret. Out of nowhere a young boy, also with a nasty chest wound, appeared and blocked her way to the man.
"You don't belong here," the boy accused.
"Let me pass," replied the Delvian. The boy refused to move, staring at her with cold dead eyes.
"The murderer belongs here with us," the ghost hissed a few microts later.
"No," said Zhaan. "He belongs back with us who love him."
"There can be no love for such as us," the boy spat. Malika felt Zhaan's attention perk up at the strange statement. "Who is he?" she asked the older Pa'u.
"I wasn't sure until he said 'us' instead of 'him' when talking about Berret. I believe this is part of Berret's moral conscious. The part that wants to make atonement for his crimes."
"Interesting," said Malika. "How the yotz can you be sure of that?"
"I don't know. Just a feeling," replied Zhaan. She next chanted a small prayer and did her best to fill her soul with the love she felt for all living things. Then picturing the love as a ball of energy sitting in the palm of her hand, she reached forward until her hand and the glowing sphere touched the boy. Almost immediately the child's image faded away.
"What did you do?" Malika said in alarm. "You didn't kill it, did you?"
Zhaan smiled at the younger woman's apprehension. "No. I simply pacified it with the love it claims couldn't exist."
"You sort of put it to sleep then. I'll have to remember that the next time I go running around someone else's mind," quipped the younger woman.
Zhaan moved to Berret's side to see the man staring with vacant eyes at the vast emptiness before him.
"Berret?" she asked softly, not sure if it be wise to touch the man's whose mind she was in. To her relieve Berret turned to regard her with uninterested eyes.
"Are you here to blame me for your death also?" he asked after a few microts.
"I'm here to bring you home," Zhaan responded gently.
"Home?" repeated the Shrike with a hint of confusion. "I am home," he said, waving his arm to encompass the wasteland that surrounded them. "Are you sure you're not here to blame me for killing you?" he asked again.
Zhaan shook her head no. Berret turned back to look out over the abyss once again. "I didn't think so. You don't look dead," he told her and then begun to hum a tune she'd heard John croon on occasion. The he cut it off suddenly. "That's what I do, you know," Berret continued as if talking about the weather. "I kill people for the Syndicate and then we all come here to live."
"He's mega-frelled," Zhaan heard Malika say in her head. The elder Delvian forced herself to ignore the other woman's idle mental chatter and focus on Berret. Malika figuratively shuttered as she realized that Zhaan had picked up the roaming thought she'd just allowed to escape.
"No, that not true," Zhaan denied. "You never willingly murdered anyone."
Berret watched her with a lopsided quirky look. "You're new here, aren't you?" he asked.
"I'm here to take you back," Zhaan told him firmly, sensing his attention was wandering.
"Back where?"
"Back home where Chiana is waiting for you," Zhaan said again, playing the Nebari girl like a trump card.
Berret cocked his head almost like the Nebari girl was wont to do sometimes and then pursed his lips.
"Chiana's dead," he said as if explaining a fact to a small child. "I killed her."
Zhaan vigorously shook her head in denial. "Chiana is not dead," she said. She realized an instant later that somehow the Chiana apparition had joined them. The specter tilted her head slightly and gazed wordlessly at the woman with the same interested-not interested look that Berret had. Her lips, now a pale gray in death, parted slightly as if waiting for the answer to a question.
"Yes, she is. See?" Berret went on to say as he absently waved a hand in the ghost's direction. "I didn't mean to kill her but she refuses to listen to me."
Berret turned to the silent Nebari and Zhaan was surprised to see a flicker of sadness fill his eyes.
"She won't forgive me. She'll never forgive me," he muttered.
Zhaan wasn't sure if the same trick she used on the boy ghost would work on the Chiana image, but she decided to give it a try while Berret's attention was focused on the Nebari's likeness. With the same ball of light in her hands she touched Chiana on the shoulder and like the boy she faded away to nothing.
Berret regarded the occurrence with only mild interest at best. Acting not surprised in the least by the disappearing Nebari woman.
"You see? Chiana isn't here," Zhaan insisted. Berret shrugged.
"It doesn't matter. She'll be back. She always comes back," he said and then turned back to face the chasm, seemly to forget Zhaan was there at all.
"What do we do now?" asked Malika. Zhaan bit her lip while she thought for a microt.
"I'd hoped to talk him into cooperating with us but it looks like we're going to have to go in without his help."
"Go in where?" asked the girl confused.
"Into Berret's mind," Zhaan answered.
"I thought we already were in his mind."
Zhaan mentally sighed. "I mean this Berret's mind," she explained while pointing at the man in front of her. Malika made a mental sound of still not understanding.
"We are in Berret's mind, but this image of himself is the center of it all. The part that is the being, the person that makes him who he is."
"I still don't get it?" apologized the other Delvian.
"Just think of everything we see here as a land... or a kingdom. And he, is the king," tried Zhaan.
"Oh!" exclaimed Malika in understanding. "What's that thing Crichton always says? He's like the man behind the curtain who runs the show," she said as she remembered.
"Exactly," answered the older Delvian. "In there is where we'll have to reorder his mind to set things right again."
"Okay, so how do we get in?" asked the voice.
"That's the easy part. Getting the work done and getting out again is going to be the trick. Are you ready?" Zhaan asked.
"No. But don't let that stop you," replied Malika.
"All right. Relax and do only what I tell you to do."
"Okay."
Zhaan closed her eyes and cleared her thoughts. She started to chant and Malika felt herself almost become solid in the dream world. Suddenly Zhaan ceased praying.
"Take one step forward," she ordered.
Malika simply thought of taking the step and she felt the disembodied presence she had become move forward and occupy the same space that Zhaan's dream body did. Suddenly she seemed to be locked inside of the older Delvian.
"Don't panic. Relax," ordered the older woman again. "Things are as they should be. Just let me have control." Malika forced her mind to calm and let the other woman take over her movements.
Zhaan/Malika stepped closer to the Shrike. "Berret!" they called his name.
The man turned again to look at them, his eyes still far off and disinterested. Zhaan/Malika reached forward with one blue fingertip to touch the man's forehead. At the contact, a point of light grew until it exploded in a bright spark. In the next instant all three of them were gone.