Chapter 17

Guilt

It was nearing the end of March. Winter was slowly ebbing away into the distance and spring was gladly welcomed. The air was fresh and clean, although still chilly. It was an appreciated change to the bitterness of the winter months. The snow was gone except at the very tops of the surrounding mountains.

Although the land was dry and frost free it was still icy to the touch. However the first signs of greenery was blossoming, along with the rich promise of lush vegetation. The first appearance of wild flowers mingled with heather and in the succulent grasslands could now be seen that was previously covered under the thick covering of snow and ice. Trees were gradually forming leaves and buds. They no longer appeared like eerie twisted spectres dotted on the landscape.

The lake had finally thawed.

Severus Snape had just come from breakfast feeling unusually content and was now making his way back down to the dungeons. He and Taya Matterson had been together just over two months. For the first time in his fifty years he was feeling joy. Love was like nothing he really had imagined. At least not with her. It was better than that. She was sweet and caring, but with a mischievous side to her as well. And perhaps a little too overly affectionate for his taste, not that he was complaining. The potions master loved her unconditionally if not a little to possessively, but Taya didn't seem to care or notice. She was still too wrapped up in their new unbridled romance.

To her it was like a dream. Her greatest fear was that one day she would wake up from it. The beginning of their relationship hadn't been elementary nor was it any easier. Severus was still dealing with his hidden demons. His past still depressed him which was to be predicted considering the circumstances of his upbringing and lost childhood. That hurt her, but she presupposed all those years of repression, his hidden anguish, he was feeling a little overwhelmed by it all and her. Only now had he really began to explore his softer quieter more innocent side complimented by a favourable passionate sexuality.

There were times he required isolation and needed to be alone. Perhaps to assimilate the new found reasoning and expectancy that he wasn't entirely infallible and could no longer live on nerves, wits and independence alone.

Taya had given him reason to go on, to live and to trust again. To accept help when offered and bathe in the glory of freedom. Had it not been for that letter she had found on his desk he may never had let himself fly free.

He hadn't exactly been enraptured by her returning to Hogwarts and the distinct possibility of re-opening old wounds had terrified him but there she was, a new colleague and quite un-expectantly his lover.

Sometimes he felt as if she was treating him like a child, but that was only sporadically, neither the less it was a trifle embarrassing. Perhaps she was trying to get him to find that lost little boy trapped inside his mind. He had to grow up fast in the late sixties. His childhood was lost the moment his mother died.

The telepathy between he and Taya had grown impenetrable during those few months. Over time both realised they could control their minds at will, only sharing what they wished the other person to see and feel. This was a great improvement on their relationship. She had feared the times when she was unceremoniously dragged unconsciously down into his eyes.

In one way linking like that was a blessing, during love making it was an added bonus, she could impose feelings upon him, intense powerful sensations both physically and mentally that could literally send him into the apex of desire simply by mind touch alone. Both could feel what the other was feeling thus sending her into the stratosphere as well.

In more strained times, strong negative emotions had also wrenched Taya into him against her will. Now that she had mastered the ability to consciously will herself from being dragged down into the darker pits of his soul she could afford to give him more of her direct attention instead of worrying about her own emotional well-being.

There were times when she did choose to reach into those dark uncharted regions of his mind. Those times sharing with her his deep harrowing experiences were traumatising for both parties and it wasn't easy.

Despite his occasional weak spells Severus was strong. He had always been a strong man. He had to be. Only with her did he consent himself to be taken through the esoteric gateway into warmth and light.

On the outside he still shut himself off from people. He trusted few, and hadn't changed much in reference to his teaching style. He had to keep is unwavering dignity in check.

Severus Snape ment so much to her. He was like a father, a brother, a friend, and a lover all wrapped up in one package. She felt safe with him, enclosed in his strong arms, being cherished and protected. He was the man she was destined to be with. But God, didn't she want to kick herself over the Karma Sutra episode though. That had really put a blow to their blossoming relationship.

Although he had forgiven her she knew he had been deeply upset if not disturbed by the incident and had hid that fact from her for a while. Only when she touched his thoughts did she realise how much it still worried him.

He was sitting at his desk in the potions classroom when she brought up the subject once again.

Severus looked up from his work. A sheet of parchment was rolled out in front of him dabbed with various small almost indiscernible squiggles. Taya couldn't make out his small intricate hand writing from where she was standing so strained her neck to get a better view. Severus met her eyes.

"Ah, my dear what is the honour of this visit?"

"I still keep thinking about the other day." She watched him as he bent and opened a drawer in his desk and removed a large red bound book. Severus placed it on the table with a startling thump that made Taya nearly jump out of her skin.

He opened the book and started leafing through it's pages intent on searching for something.

"Ah!" He exclaimed quietly. "There." His finger slowly slid down the page to the article in question.

"What are looking for?"

"Madam Pomfrey has requested me to brew her an antihistamine potion. Since new discoveries have been made concerning hay fever, cold and flu illnesses, medical experts reckon that triple horned slug mucus is now the key ingredient for this potion to work. I was looking up it's properties up in my book. I endeavour to make one you see. Of cause vast experimentation is required before the potion can be freely used."

He made a startlingly devilish grin. "Any offers Miss Matterson?"

"You must be joking," she hissed. "You are going to have to find your victims else where."

He closed the book. Leaning forward slightly he raised his arms and let his elbows rest against the table and steeped his fingers together.

"As you were saying before?"

Taya sighed.

"I keep thinking about the other day. That book I found in the library." Severus abruptly clasped his hands together, slackening them when he realised he was positively squeezing them too hard.

"I told you to forget," he said soberly.

"Yes I know, but it still troubles you. I saw it in your mind again last night." He shifted awkwardly, letting his arms drop down onto the desk in front of him. He picked up his quill and started jotting notes down again.

Taya neared him. The pen dropped when he felt her mouth stroke against the soft skin just below his earlobe.

"I feel really bad though."

"I told you to forget it," he said casting her a cold glance. "Can't you see I have work to do?" She nodded.

"Is there anything you would like me to do? I feel so wretched over it."

"Yes," he answered in a slippery tone. "Let me get on with this. I must finish my preliminary research. Today preferably." He didn't notice her defeated sad expression because he was re-reading the text he had just written on the paper scroll before him.

"I love you, Severus." He looked up. The scowl immediately dissipated and his face relaxed into a strange visage of melancholy. "Why look so sad? You are supposed to be happy when I tell you, 'I love you.'"

He exhaled a deep sigh and let his head drop down onto his folded arms, eyes looking straight up at her.

"All right," he began. "That book really upset me. It still does. I admit curiosity got the better of me when I first saw it, but then I found it disgusting, amoral. I can understand why you found it...a turn on, but with me..." He closed his eyes. "I know I've said it before, but I've seen such terrible things in my life that..." He was shaking his head.

"What have you seen?" She asked quietly. Some things he still managed to keep from exposing her. This was one of them.

"Rapes, torture, beatings, the non magical stuff. That's just to begin with..." his voice trailed off and he fought back a wave of nausea. "I never really got involved in that, much."

Taya's head shot up. "Much?"

"Yes. We were always required to be there at the massacres, join in if we wished but I... Even when I was a Death Eater it repulsed me. I never did understand why or how anyone could get aroused over such disgusting scenes."

"Severus, can I ask you a really personal question?"

"I never joined in." he pointed out defiantly. "You know me better than that and we have discussed this matter before. I've never been with anyone else other than you or..."

"I didn't mean that."

"Oh."

"I mean," she swallowed. "Did...did you ever kill anyone?" Her voice shook slightly.

"I would be lying to you if I said no." Taya felt all blood leave her face. What was she expecting? After all he had freely joined them. Was she that foolish to think that he dwelled solely for the pleasure Lorsekruker and make nondescript potions for Lord Voldemort?

"Not directly, or personally," he said. "Not my style. It was more subtle than that, possibly more cruelly than slaying personally. Some potions dragged out suffering, sometimes days or weeks,

"It seems amazing despite what they did to me, but I was a member of Voldemort's inner circle, completely warped ethics on their part if you ask me. That's why I worked so closely with him and why he entrusted me so. I had a knack with potion brewing, the delicate preparation of the ingredients. The methodical procedure is more of an art than of logic and so on. He trusted no other than himself or me."

"So you made potions."

"Yes." No more words needed to be said.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you about that book. It was inappropriate," said Severus after a few silent minutes.

"I think you had every reason to, Severus."

"Just thinking about it," he shook his head and his voice became muffled, "seeing those images of me doing that to you. It made me feel sick." Taya sat down on her haunches.

"I'm sorry." He took her hand.

"You can understand can't you?"

"It's not the all and be all of it. Sex that is."

"That's saying something my dear lady. You can't help it, being a bleeding nymphomaniac." His mouth twitched slightly then spread into a fiendish smile.

"Oi!" She slapped him on the arm playfully.

"It's not as if you aren't getting any is it?" Her mouth opened in surprise.

"Severus! How crude."

"Crude? Considering some of the things you have done to me I thought it was rather tame in comparison to your actions." The smile seem to spread to his eyes. They were twinkling oddly. "As they say, 'action speaks louder than words.'" He turned around. "Come here." He patted his lap.

"Oh, an invitation to sit on the Potions Master's knee?"

"Yes. Hurry up now." She stood up and stepped nearer. Taya leaned forward as if to kiss, but his hands abruptly grasped her behind almost roughly and dragged her closer still. She gasped. "Did you like that?" She smiled shyly. "And do you like this?" He slid a hand under her long skirt, fingers lightly flickering up her bare thigh. She looked shocked.

"Sit facing me." She obliged and straddled him, pushing herself down onto his legs. Immediately she felt his arousal pressing against her. Automatically her pelvice started to rub against him, riding him until Severus himself found that he was quickening against her.

Taya felt the rush of familiar sensations hit her like a steam engine at full speed. She cried out his name in a throaty scream.

"Silence."

"Huh?"

"Subtleties isn't a virtue with you is it?"

"What? Oh..."

"You can get off me now." He tried to push her away but she did not yield. "Had I known you would try something like that-"

"What were you expecting then?"

"Taya it's nearly ten o'clock. I have work to complete before my first class within the hour."

"It's not very nice to be taken for a ride like that?" She said angrily.

"It wasn't?" He scoffed. "You seemed to react quite the contrary."

"I didn't mean...you know what I ment you annoying git." He smiled at her.

"I was merely going to kiss you."

"Bollocks Severus," she snapped. "I knew exactly what you were thinking. And you were as hard as an iron rod."

He cleared his throat and pretended that he hadn't heard her last sentence. "Did you honestly think I was going to let you have your way with me here in my classroom just before my first class? The door's open. There are no charms put on the room. What if one of the students came down here early?"

"I've never known anyone to turn up to a Potions lesson early," she palavered.

"Yes okay. But the point being-"

"You were nasty to tease me like that."

"Come now," he touched her face.

"Unfortunately you tried to push me off before I had the chance and I don't feel very able now. I'll hold that thought for this evening then." She pushed herself off.

"What?" He frowned the saw the rapidly progressing grin spread across her face. Understanding suddenly dawned on him. Severus scowled his most intimidating glare. Taya chuckled and circled him for a moment. He looked up at her.

"You are disgusting," he drawled. "Absolutely fowl." She giggled.

"I know." And with that her tongue lightly stoked the tip of his nose.

"Pervert!" He growled.

"Yep. What other names can you think of?" He didn't reply. Instead he answered her with a kiss then stood up.

"Off with you now. Before I pick you up and resort to physically throwing you out."