Chapter 28

Dealings With Hidden Feelings And A Certain Harry Potter

It was one thing having to work with Harry Potter, the new potions assistant, but talking to him about private matters was another whole kettle of fish altogether.

Severus sat at his desk marking students home work not paying much attention to the youth hovering and dithering about. Washing tables, cleaning cauldrons and so forth. Severus looked up with a small smile. Perhaps it wasn't to bad. At least he, the potions master could now spare himself from the most basic tasks when dealing with the general student body.

For a long while he watched Harry, not realising he was still smiling slightly. He flipped the feather quill between his fingers a few times before letting it fall of it's own accord down onto the wooden desk.

"Potter you can stop now," he decided. "I think we need to have a little chat." Harry looked up wearily from his manual scrubbing and glanced at the professor. God he hated cleaning by hand, but Severus Snape always had a penitent for doing anything like that the un-magical way. Including the house elves.

Poor things, thought Harry. Must take them hours to sort stuff out in here. Harry shook his head. He had forgotten that Professor Snape generally didn't trust them to sort out his things. They did the basic menial tasks like scrubbing, cleaning and sorts. Something they should be doing today if that little group of elves weren't on holiday.

Holiday? House elves on holiday? They were born to believe that they were nothing but the property of their owners and their very existence depended on hard work. Dobby had been an exception of cause. And it had probably been him who was their gang leader fighting for their cause. Of cause had it not been for Hermione in the first place and her 'House Elf Liberation Front' non of it would have even been considered, let along acted upon.

Harry had missed a lot in past few years away from home. Elves had rights, respect and holidays. They even wore proper clothes, not tea towels like he had seen Dobby wear, nor grubby rags.

At least at Hogwarts they wore clothes, shabby in their form and appearance but clean clothing neither the less. However, the small, floppy eared, bulging eyed beings still refused payment for their toiling. They are lucky, he decided. An hour or two in here and well...

Severus despised the use of wands in his classroom even when children weren't present.

Harry had a sneaking suspicion that Professor Snape loved to watch people toil to the point of exhaustion in his presence. Especially Harry.

"Yes sir." Severus glowered. "Is there something wrong?"

"Surprising I would have to say no. Your work is exemplary and you have helped me a great deal since you came."

"Thanks, Processor," he said letting the astonishment show on his face as well as in his voice.

Harry picked up the bucket and scrubbing cloths and carried the lot over to the sink. The gargoyle tap immediately flung it's serpent head back and spewed out cold running water. Harry sloshed out the contents of the bucket and rinsed his rags.

Severus got up and tossed the feather quill into the pen stand.

"When you have finished, Potter join me in my office."

"Yes, sir."

"For God's sake boy, you aren't a student any more stop with the yes sir, no sir. It is driving me insane."

"Yes s...I mean Professor."

"Better," muttered the other man as he swept to the back of the room and down a small hall.

Harry entered Professor Snape's office with caution.

Slowly he reached out and rapped his knuckled on the closed door. He heard a quiet, "Come in," and swallowed. Harry took a deep breath and pushed the door open with a startling creek.

Why was he still as nervous around this man, even now? He had left Hogwarts as a students nearly four years ago. He still found Professor Snape a mystery and as intolerable as he had done as a boy.

The main question he kept asking himself was why was he here? Why had he excepted Dumbledore's offer in the first instance it was offered, the very second the words had passed Dumbledore's lips. Why had he not given himself some time to actually think it all over properly? I mean, for God's sake, he thought. I should have known I'd be working with him of all people (Severus Snape,) closer than ever before.

I must have been bonkers, Harry contemplated rubbing his damp brow. He really did need a job, but could have lived with the fact that he would have been unemployed for a few weeks or so until the Ministry came up with something suitable for one of the youngest war veterans in years.

Perhaps if he tried to get to know Severus Snape as a man and not as the imposing force of nightmares. Perhaps he could begin to understand him a fraction. Also, he needed some answers concerning those strange photographs. If he succeeded in getting to know 'the old over grown bat,' as a human being and not the son of Satan he may well get some real answers out of him. Or, thought Harry. He'd kill me given the chance.

Severus looked around from the task he had completed and saw the small form of Harry Potter dawdling near the door frame dressed in a blue dishevelled T-shirt, black jeans and nubuck leather shoes.

Huh, still wearing those ghastly Muggle fashions I see, the elder man thought. He placed the newly labelled jar back onto the shelf and slid the remainder of the labels into a small cubby-hole propped up on his desk.

"Come in, Potter."

Harry walked into the familiar room and without invitation plopped himself down. Severus peered at him.

"Feeling exhausted are we?"

"Yea," replied the younger man. "I'm knackered after all that hard work."

"Want a drink?"

"That would be great, Professor." Harry was surprised by the potions master's strange civility.

"Care for a brandy?" Now he was darn right suspicious.

"Is this a polite way of asking me to leave, Professor?"

"Why would I want to do that? You've only just come into this room."

"No. I mean, do you want me to leave Hogwarts? I've tried to be nice to you and that. Since you've had a hard time of late I thought I was helping."

"It hadn't even crossed my mind, Potter. Here." He passed him the glass. Harry took a long swig and nearly choked. Severus smirked.

"I should have warned you. It's one of my own brews. Potent at best."

"In...deed!" Choked the younger man grasping his throat and coughing.

"That is one of the bonuses of being a skilled potions master, Mr Potter. Perhaps you may wish to consider the..." Severus' brows knotted together noting Harry's scarlet face. "Or perhaps you don't drink alcohol?"

"Not as strong as that stuff," he replied after recovering.

Severus sat down in the second arm chair and placed his untouched glass on the floor.

"Um, Professor there is something I would like to ask you if that's okay?"

"What?"

Harry was sitting on the floor in the lounge of his and Jinny's house. A building standing in the village of Hogsmead that he had rented since leaving school. At that moment in time Harry was sifting through boxes and boxes of things that once belonged to his parents. Only recently had it came to his notice that his parents belongings had been stored away in one of those large storage bunkers underground.

With it all now safely in his home, Harry had the task of going through it all. He and Jinny had only just returned from their holiday. It had been a lazy Sunday afternoon and it was a good enough time as any to have a good rummage through his parents things.

It had felt strange to Harry to touch, smell and see items that had been buried away from humanity for years long, only now to be seen again by a son who had never known his parents. There were clothes, books, furniture, baby things -

Harry smiled as he reached and pulled out a soft yellow teddy bear from one of the storage boxes. It had belonged to him as a baby, and once again he was holding it in his hand now. He had a vague impression that it was his favourite toy as a baby.

He lay the teddy down on the floor.

Kneeling forward he pulled a heavy looking package toward him. Harry drew out his wand and waved it over the top of the box. Quickly the top opened to reveal it's contents. Harry waited for a moment, slightly apprehensive to what he might find.

Finally he pulled out a book. It was large, bound in dark brown leather and inlayed with gold hearts. Across the front bore the initials of his parents, L J

Harry felt a lurch in his stomach. He opened the book to find the pages were blank. "Odd," he muttered and remembered with a shudder the diary of Tom Riddle he had found years ago while in his second year at Hogwarts in Moaning Mertyl's bathroom.

Harry wouldn't make the same mistake twice by accidentally pouring ink onto the blank pages.

"No way."

Harry went to put the book down on the floor when something very peculiar happened.

There was the sound of distant laughter and clapping and Harry clasped the book tightly in his hand pulling it to his ear. Indeed the sound was definatly comming from the book. Only that it was getting distinctivly louder now. Harry jerked the assorting sound away from his hear and coughed when a puff of colour shot out of the inner pages.

A delicate cloud of glittering pink smoke gradually rose from the the book until most of the room was fogged with the stuff. Harry plastered his hand over his mouth to avoid breathing the essence in. He found that his eyes didn't sting though.

Slowly the fog dispersed and the room cleared. Harry frowned again, puzzled at what magic had caused such strangeness. He again picked up the book and noticed with surprise that the book was a photo album, a wedding album to be exact. His mother and father's.

Harry had only one album of his parents at that point in time, given to him by Hagrid upon leaving Hogwarts after his first year for the summer holidays.

Tears formed in his eyes and he gave no indication that he was going to wipe them away.

Over all there were about twenty to thirty moving images in this album. He had one or two pictures from Lilly and James' wedding in his other book, but to see the entire collection together was wonderful. Lilly was radiant in her sparkling gown of silver and peach, decorated with a delicate silver brocade across the bodice and sleeves. Her hair was dressed in ringlets. Interspersed between the fiery curls were the tiniest pearls he had ever seen. No. Harry looked closer. It was fairy dust intermixed with angel drops.

Standing beside her was James with that familiar grin upon his face and that black dishevelled hair, hair that Harry seemed to have inherited.

James suddenly moved and ruffled his hair spilling out angel dust that had evidently been sprinkled onto his head to. The delicate dust fell, coating his black suit giving it a strange sparkle that reminded Harry of Muggle game show hosts.

Finally he put the book down to continue searching through the other contents of the box. There were photograph after photograph, family members he had never even heard of before, pets, images of houses he had never visited, gardens, other people's children, pictures of him as a tiny baby, pre scar days of cause, and then- Harry picked up a rather warn photo that he would have never guessed.

Lilly was about eleven. Beside her wearing a strange childish bashful smile was non other than Severus Snape. Harry gasped in surprise. It was un-mistakenly him. The dark eyes, the black hair. Presumed he was younger, his face carried the immaturity of youth. Harry had never ever in his entire life seen the potions master smile like that. The sweet purity of a young boy that would grow up into a man twisted with hate and self doubt.

Harry flipped the photo aside and there was another and another. An entire collection of photographs of Lilly Evens and Severus Snape. Then he saw one that definitely caught his eye. They were holding hands.

"I was going through some of Mum and Dad's photo albums and stuff, when I came across several of you with Mum and...you were smiling and holding her hand." Harry looked directly at Professor Snape and swallowed. "Where you two lovers?"

"No," came a voice. Harry was surprised by the lack of emotion. No biting defence, no sarcasm, just a simple bland no.

Severus felt a strange sensation hit him. It was as if young Mr Potter had read his mind. He studied the man before him and wondered how he was going to address the subject of his feelings without causing Harry to run out of the room wracked with laughter, as if someone had made him drink a laughing potion.

"But I do intend on discussing your mother. The reason why I brought you in here," Severus said slowly.

"Okay, but what about her? Why were you holding her hand in that photo and-?"

"Slow down Mr Potter. One thing at a time."

"Sorry, Professor." Harry looked down at the floor then up again and straight into the eyes of Severus Snape.

"Your mother and I were best friends at school."

"You were! Bloody hell, Severus Snape and a Gryffindor. My Mum." The shock hit neither the less. He saw the potions master squirm uncomfortably in his chair, but seemed to recover fast enough to respond with a quick sneer. Even being best friends shocked Harry enough so that he short up from the chair as if he had been jolted by a spark of electricity.

"God's sake Potter calm your ever so grating emotions and stop acting like such a twurp."

"Sorry," Harry felt stupid. He was being foolish he knew, a bit outlandish in the shock treatment he had just been given.

"Before you ask how she a lowly Gryffindor and myself managed to get together I remind you to keep a check on that stupid permanently adolescent brain of yours." Before Harry could think of anything to say, rebuff or not, Severus continued. "She was hopeless with potions."

"Oi! My Mum was really good at that. It was one of her best subjects."

"Really? Humf, that is because I helped her with it. Had you yourself put your mind into the subject you may have done better."

"I was okay."

Severus raised a brow.

"Perhaps in your little world. There is more to life that Quidditch and killing gnomes."

"Hay, there's more to-"

"Exactly. Anyway, Lilly... your mother, I helped her out since I am an adept with that subject."

You don't cover up your pride and pretension much do you? Harry thought.

"For your information, Potter, in regard to our relationship..." Severus swallowed. "We simply became closer if you will."

"Closer?" A strange quirky expression touched Harry's face. A mixture of surprise and odd humour.

"This is ruddy stupid," muttered the professor also now standing. "You obviously think that she and I had an affair. On the contrary." Sad memories floated up into his mind robbing him from reality for a moment. Finally his mind came back to the present to discover Harry watching him puzzled. "You may go now."

"But I'm interested, sir!" Severus groaned inwardly. There was no beating around the bush, he realised and the sooner he came out with it the better.

"You are correct on one aspect of our relationship."

"Oh?"

Severus swallowed. "I did love her." The world suddenly seemed to come to a halt for both of them. Severus felt his cheeks flush and quickly looked down at his hands, nervously playing with the folds of his robes.

Harry nearly choked again. This time he had no brandy pass his lips. In fact the glass was still standing on the side table next to him. He closed his mouth quickly when he realised he was gaping.

Severus twitched uncomfortably.

"I suppose you are going to laugh at me now."

"Why would I do that, Professor. I mean yes it was a bit of a shock, but-"

"You thought I was incapable of feeling?"

"To be perfectly honest yes," Harry replied awaiting the thunder. Strangely nothing happened.

I was, thought the elder man.

Severus paced the room for a long minute then turned when he heard Harry's voice.

"Did she know?"

"Of cause not. She married your... your father." Severus fumed at the thought of the elder Potter and the pain he intentionally and intentionally caused. "She told me of their engagement the same time I was going to reveal my heart," came a sorrowful after thought.

"Sir, I hope you don't mind me asking but-"

"Go on."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I feel that you are now old enough not to snivel with shock, horror or hilarity at me for my weakness. And you are Lilly's son." Severus squared his jaw and stared un-nervingly into Harry's eyes. Lilly's eyes, he thought sadly. "There is something else..."

"What?" Harry frowned and tried desperately to pull away from the professor's mesmerising gaze.

"And because I care about you."

Another shock. Harry gaped.

"Are you having me on?" Stooping over far too many bubbling cauldrons has defiantly addled his brain. Harry shook his head bemused at the elder man's weird admittance. He'll be telling me he loves me next, thought Harry. Must be the medication. After all he's been ill. Wonder what is wrong with him for Dumbledore to request an assistant and for him to actually agree. "Oh, Bloody hell."

"I am sorry that this had to come out this way."

"How was to come out?" He said not expecting an answer. "I thought you hated me,"

"I never hated you," he said. "Would I have gone out of my way trying to save you from falling off your broom on your first Quidditch tournament if I hated you that much?"

"I thought you were trying to kill me."

"It was Quirrell who was the danger to you," he said silkily.

"Well, I know that now, but at the time you..."

"I was the horrible bat." Harry laughed out loud.

"What do you find so amusing?"

"You knew what people called you behind your back then?" The humour in his voice faded to sadness.

"Of course I did."

"Why didn't you do anything?"

"It was necessary," he said simply. There were just something he couldn't say. Severus gritted his teeth.

"And all this time I thought you swooped around drinking the blood of unfortunates." Severus froze.

"It was a joke Professor."

"I fail to see what is so funny."

Harry reacted. All those solid beliefs the Severus was just a man were flung out of the window. "You're not are you?"

"What?" Severus felt annoyance creep up. He had spent too long with the annoying Potter.

"A vampire?" Harry responded with a start when he heard a sound he had never heard before come from Professor Snape. A sound he honestly thought he was incapable of.

"What's so funny?"

Severus stopped laughing.

"I look like one don't I?" He said. "But the disguise is necessary."

"Why?" It was another thing Severus felt he couldn't explain.

"To keep you lot in line," he almost shouted.

Harry swallowed. "There is one thing I wanna know."

"And?"

"Why did you pick on me more than everyone else, even Neville-"

"Ah, Neville Longbottom," he muttered to himself. The child that blew up a cauldron or several every lesson. What's he doing now?"

"Last I heard he went to Ireland to study with a group of half giants there. He was looking into care of magical creatures as a career I last heard."

"Good," said Severus slowly. "I am...pleased...that he had found a vocation. The by was vertually a squib."

"Um, Professor, you did'nt answer my question."

"Which was, Potter?"

"Why did you pick on me more-"

"Ah," He swallowed. "Potter, I hated your father not you," he admitted. "I saw you turning into him, arrogant, big headed and thinking yourself the centre of the universe."

"I'm nothing like Dad."

"Yes I know. And I am sorry." Severus sighed, not believing he was telling this to the boy who vexed his spirit and nearly cost him his sanity for seven long years. Telling Harry about his father, the man who had saved his life. A life he had whole heartedly had wished dead those many years ago. Severus chose not to disclose that piece of information. And he found himself owing James Potter a life time debt to repay. "And I was jealous."

"Jealous of me. Why?" Harry was shocked and took a small sip of the brandy.

"I was a deprived child." He sat down.

"I lived in a cupboard under the stairs."

"I was regularly beaten. I never even saw a girl until I was ten when I ran away from the Muggle orphanage where I lived." Harry sat in silence. Snape beaten? Living as a Muggle. The idea was absurd. He thought that Severus hated Muggles.

The professor felt his heart beating rapidly.

"One of the things you heard about me was correct."

"Sorry?" Harry hadn't heard him.

"The rumours. I did have a deprived childhood," he repeated, doubting that Harry believed him.

"So did I, but you didn't care less," said Harry bitterly.

"I cared, Harry in more ways than one. You never saw it."

"If you cared so much why did you treat me so nastily?"

"Because....because....It was very childish of me... You came from a world that treated you cruelly and stepped into another that more or less treated you like a god."

"That's putting it a bit over the extreme."

"You had everything that I could only ever dream, you had friends, people who cared about you. I had nothing at all your age. I was too shy for my own good and I isolated myself. You on the other hand-"

"But I didn't want all the attention. I was just..." He shrugged. "I was just Harry. I didn't know I had saved the world." Severus' eyes narrowed. "I didn't. I just wanted to be a regular boy, not chasing after evil sorcerers. I was thrown into it unprepared. Every where I went people would stare, or point, whispering Harry Potter, did you see him? My God it's Harry Potter! Can I see your scar? May I take your photograph? Weren't you brave? Do you remember it? Aren't you the luckiest man, boy alive!"

"Yes and you needed protecting, even from yourself. It was all for your own good you realise that is why I came down particularly hard on you. Someone had to keep an eye on you."

I did it for Lilly, he thought. Not for James. But he knew part of his dept for James Potter was looking out for Harry. Despite his outward nastiness he did care about him. There was more to it than keeping the boy who would later defeat Voldemort alive. He had always felt a deep paternal instinct in his bones towards the boy even if he denied it from himself.

"I was saying to Miss Matterson, power is seductive. It seduced me."

"Is that why you joined the Death Eater?"

"Yes and no." Severus paused. "I wanted that power, but I also wanted security. I acquired neither. I was lonely. I had lost Lilly. Loneliness makes one do desperate things, Harry."

The younger man's eyebrows raised in recognition of his own name. Professor Snape had never called him by his first name. At least not until now.

"You may as well address me as Severus," he said noticing the name slip.

"Okay Severus."

"Not Sev or Sevvie."

"Certainly not," said Harry amused. He'd barely recovered from having being called Harry than to start addressing his ex potions master with a nickname.

"Then was it my Mum that made you...?"

"It would be uncharacteristic and foolish of me to lie to you. Partly." Harry sighed.

"Love does make you do stupid things," he said. "Can I ask you a personal question, Severus?"

"Depends."

"Do you still love her? Is that why you have always been alone?" Harry was treading on very delicate grounds. He realised that very moment that it was partly a broken heart that had pushed Severus into the shadows of despair and bitterness.

"Again Miss Matterson asked me that question. And my answer- I love her memory. She was a very gentle loving person. Your father was a lucky man to win her heart."

Harry smiled dreamily.

Again the potions master debated long and hard whether to tell Harry how he truly felt about him. He gazed at his pocket watch and tucked it back into his pocket quickly. Harry looked up un-expectantly. His expression was calm but his eyes betrayed him.

Severus disappeared into the mists of times to the moment he first noticed the small bespectacled boy nervously awaiting his turn at the sorting ceremony. As he sat watching, a deep emotion passed through him, a feeling of familiarity as he stared at the boy shifting towards the three legged stool.

"Slytherin," he had pleaded silently. "Let him be with me."

A dull pain clasped him when he heard Harry mutter, "Not Slytherin, not Slytherin."

The sorting hat responded, "Not Slytherin ay?" And they exchanged a brief conversation.

"You would be great you know...It's all here in your head...Better be Gryffindor then!"

Of cause Severus heard every word and it stung.

No one noticed the resignation on his face as Harry grinned with delight and the students residing at the Gryffindor table cheered for their new member. The famous Harry Potter, a Gryffindor like his parents before him.

"I wanted you to have been mine," he thought. Suddenly he caught another startled expression on the younger man's face and realised he had spoken his thoughts aloud.

"It is true." he said. Harry didn't know what to say. "Every time I look you," he swallowed. "I see your mother, and I see something in you that should have been part of me. And -"

"You really were in love with her then," whispered Harry.

He clenched his jaw, but was glad that young Potter questioned him no further. Harry despite the shock and the absurdity already knew the unspoken three words.

"I'm glad I know," said Harry getting up. An impulse to reach out and grab the other man into a hug took hold, but he pulled back. Severus stood.

"And I mean no disrespect to you because of your father."

"Thank you," he whispered. "You're really not so bad."

"Thanks." Severus smiled slightly.

"Can I make a suggestion Prof...I mean Severus?"

"What?"

"Find someone to take care of you. You need a bit of love in your life. Taya seems to like you a lot. I don't know whether you have noticed it."

"If only you knew," he said to the empty room when Harry had left. "If only."