Chapter 42

Blood, Sex And Death

Severus gazed around his classroom and took a deep breath, the air he sucked in caught in his throat for a second and he coughed.

"Yes," he answered almost to himself. The man was probably gone once and for all, but that knowledge brought about memories he had never shown Taya.

"The kiss from a Dementor is worse than death itself. I for one know how they suck the very essence from you."

"Oh?"

"You don't even have to spend a night in Azkaban to feel their effects on you."

"My God. You didn't spent time there did you?" Taya felt a knot in her stomach, and a trickle of dread slid slowly down her spine.

"Only one night," he said reassuring her. "Not that it bothered me in the least. I had no hope nor any care so they mainly left me alone."

"You should have told me, or shown me." She pressed her hand against her heart. "Why not?"

"Was there any point? As I said, I only spent one night there. It was just after my confession to Dumbledore. It took a great deal of his determination and wits to bid for my release. I still don't know why or how he managed it."

"But...but it must have been terrifying?"

"No more than under Lorsekruker. I shut myself down. No one could get through or inside me, not even a Dementor. But that night, the time before Dumbledore rescued...me the screams and the wailing, I admit got to me. Thank God I never stayed any longer."

"What would have happened if you...um were sentenced and found guilty?"

"I have thought about it a few times. Left to rot in Azkaban probably."

"Even though you had physical evidence of your assaults?" Almost without thinking Severus pressed a hand flat against his chest.

"I don't know, Taya. There would have been very few that would offer me any pity. Even now I am scorned by many members of the public. After all I have the Dark Mark on my arm. I felt I deserved what was coming to me. I no longer cared. I felt as though I had already been sentenced long before I managed to get free from Lorsekruker."

"What did Voldemort say about all of this? Wasn't he suspicious?"

"I explained that it was all part of the strategy, a ploy. His faithful servant that I was." He smiled faintly.

"And the stupid fool bought it?"

"Amazing how it was. Yes. Not without penance though. I was subjected to a number of unspeakable curses."

"Oh...." She was shaking her head. Her eyes were wet. Taya reached a hand out to him and touched his cheek. Severus closed his eyes. "The bastards," she spat. "You couldn't even rest after your escape. Why in Merlin's name did Albus make you become a double agent?"

"It was my atonement. It was agreed with the Ministry that I would. Either that or go on trial. I suspect they thought I wouldn't survive for very long that is why they granted it to me,

"Headmaster Dumbledore wanted me to remain at the castle anyway. 'For my own Safety,' he said. Voldemort still thought I was his loyal servant. I could obtain valuable information from the other side that would undoubtedly be forsaken or unknown had I not watched. I offered misguided facts to him. Knowledge that was useless to him and he still believed me."

"Severus you probably saved many many lives by continuing to risk your life like that."

"Perhaps, but I felt different. I still feel it. I probably killed just as many."

"There is nothing you can do about it now, lovie. The past is what it is. Dead and gone. You were used and abused. You thought you found a place that you could call home, genuine friends. It was all you knew. You felt unloved, rejected from humanity. I think I would have done the same."

"My dear girl. You would have had enough sense to see the reasons of not joining them. Death Eaters are evil, they congeal the very heart of goodness and take away all purity and compassion. There wasn't any room for tenderness with them. You would never had joined. Or if you tried they would have seen the goodness in your heart and wiped you off the face of the Earth the moment you stepped into their territory."

"Perhaps, but Voldemort knew your vulnerability. You were grieving from a broken heart. You were breaking. He used your feelings against you. You're not evil Severus. Maybe you did kill, but you felt terrible about it." He nodded. "Others wouldn't have felt that guilt." She shrugged. "Didn't care less. I read that many had blood orgies."

"Yes." His stomach lolled at the memories. "It's not something I like to think about," he said turning away.

"And it made you feel sick the way Voldemort and his chumies abducted Muggle men woman and children and did those awful things to them."

Severus squeezed his eyes closed. He couldn't bare to remember. Remember the terrified faces and the pitiful sobbing of those raped and killed for the pleasure of a few drunken men. He had to just stand back and watch, view the horrifying spectacle from afar. He had no choice. After all if he were to be believed a servant of the Dark Lord he had to be there. The pain in his arm couldn't erase the pain his eyes saw.

He was standing near the doorway of a broken room. Wallpaper was peeling off sooty smoked walls. Furniture was broken and scattered in dismembered pieces throughout the house and upturned candles spewed smoke and fire only to be extinguished by blood and magic.

The screams.

Oh, god the screams. There were people every where. Woman howling in terror and men trying desperately to get away from the maddening evil and depravity of Death Eater gatherings to try and free other unfortunates.

All was hopeless. They were powerless against dark wizards. Death could be administered quickly from a expeditious bolt of green fire from a wand, a muttered word or two, or at an agonising length, at whatever means necessary, be it physical or by magic alone.

Severus shuddered. He could do little but watch and absorb what was happening around him. A jagged array of colours and shapes, movement and sounds. The air was ripe with the scent of smoke, blood and sex.

In his hands he cupped a smoky glass of brandy. It was the only thing that could at least take away a little of the sharpness from his vision. He tried to watch the spectacle from afar, cut himself off from reality, but it always scorched into him however much he turned inwardly.

He never joined in, even when he was a faithful Death Eater, it was all to fetid and grotesque. He had no choice to watch then and now. A Professor at Hogwarts and he stood alone, his chilling eyes burning holes into the wall he stared at.

His eyes were wide, his vision bleary, but the image before and the panoramic sounds of hideous calamity wound around him in crystal clarity. He was disturbed.

For a moment his attention was pulled away from the chaos when he felt a hand grabbing and clenching futilely at his robes. A woman no older than twenty was grasping with all her might as she slithered on the floor trying desperation to free herself from the dirty hands of the man grabbing her waist.

And Severus did nothing. He could do nothing but stand and wait for it to end and then he could go home and vomit all night to his hearts content.

He gazed into those terrified eyes, jaw clenched and he whispered in a voice so low even she probably never heard, "I'm sorry."

Every time he was called to participate in one of those orgies, he had no choice. He had to keep his composure and his cover, but as soon as he returned to Hogwarts shaking and shivering from the horrors he was forced to witness.

He pulled himself into check. "...here once..." Taya was saying something, but her words sounded jumbled in his ears. He couldn't allow himself to cry now. It would only bring about the desperate sobbing and loss of control he had finally began to beat.

"Wha...what?"

"They were here once weren't they?"

"Who?"

"The Dementors of Azkaban."

"Indeed. To protect the school when Voldemort was regaining his power."

"I can remember vaguely. They were horrible. Didn't one get on the Hogwarts Express? I can vaguely remember someone saying so. I'm glad I wasn't there. Uncle Albus and I returned a few days earlier from a holiday."

"You have quite an attachment to the Headmaster, don't you?"

"He's my only remaining family. Great Aunt Mordrid died a few years back. It's only him and me now." Taya looked sad.

For a moment she looked lost in thought. She grabbed a stool and sat down beside him. Severus smiled sadly.

"Do you still miss them?"

"Yea. They were the only ones I had for ten years. I miss my sister's singing, Dad's grumbling, even Mum's outrageous laugh that used to drive me nuts."

"I wish I had memories like that." He took her hand and crouched down on his haunches.

"You don't really," she said rubbing her eyes. "You had enough pain in your life, loosing your family would only have added to the misery."

"I lost Lilly."

"I'm sorry. I forgot. But, you have me."

"I know. And I an eternally grateful."

"I suppose she was like family for you. You must have been devastated when she was..." Her voice trailed off.

"I was there," he said softly. Taya gasped. There were still so many things, hidden inside buried within his mind that she still did not know. Taya's eyes burned. She found herself pulling him gently toward her. He rested his head on her lap for a moment then drew away.

Standing he slowly circled the room, letting his hand stroke one of the work benches before he once again stopped at his desk.

"Do you want to talk about it tonight?" She prompted.

"Perhaps some where else more comforting." Taya took his hand.

"Your room?"

"Very well."

She stood up and watched him extinguish the burning candles the old fashioned way, only that they didn't remain dead. As soon as he blew them out they re-lit.

Severus muttered something under his breath. Something probably rude, Taya guessed and she couldn't help but giggle at the sight of him huffing and puffing.

"You did this!" He accused.

"Don't blame me. Why would I want to charm your silly candles?"

"You have a twisted sense of humour."

"I didn't do it. Honest." He felt her arms come about his waist. Taya lent into him then gently brought him around to face her.

"You my dear are as honest as a klinkwuddle sprite."

"But they can't help themselves."

"Exactly."

"I didn't do it," she giggled.

"Prove it then?"

"How can I?"

"Like this." He pulled her close and they kissed.

Moments later when the kiss was broken and they were about to step through the secret passage way at the back of the classroom Severus muttered "Nox," and the room was pitched into darkness.