A/N: Okay, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!!
Chapter 32 - The Answer to A Question
James patted and stroked Lily's back, trying to calm her. "Is that a yes, or a no?" James asked hesitantly.
Lily looked up from his shoulder, and tears were streaming down her face. James's breath caught at the expression in Lily's eyes. It wasn't happiness - it was sorrow. 'She doesn't want to marry me.' His mind thought as his heart clenched violently. James tried to lift Lily off of his lap so that he could get off her bed, but she clenched her thighs around his, making him stay. "Lily," he cried softly. "Please, let me up. I already know your answer, and I don't think that I can handle hearing it."
Lily shook her head and tightened her grip on him. "No James, I want you to hear the reason for my answer." She whispered, her voice shaking from crying still. Lily swiped a trembling hand across her cheeks, trying to get rid of the tears, but she couldn't stop them from falling. "James, I love you, and I always will, but I just can't marry you, not right now." She started to explain. "I don't feel as if I can handle another emotional roller coaster yet. And I know that if I was to say yes at the moment, that that is exactly what would happen." James closed his eyes in despair. "James, love?" Lily softly asked. "Look at me please?"
James shook his head and kept his eyes shut tight. He felt Lily's soft, delicate hand brush his cheek and he realized that his tears had spilled and she was wiping them away. James' grip on her waist tightened. "God I love you Lily. But, I-I think that you- you don't l-love me as I l-love you." He whispered as he buried his head in her hair that held the scent of the ocean.
"James, please!" Lily begged as he lifted her off of him and laid her gently down on her bed. Lily sprung back up and crawled to the side of the bed on her knees. She made a dive for the back of James' robes, but he was already moving towards the door. "James, please, don't leave me. Don't leave me alone." She whispered desperately. "I don't think that I can go on without you too." She cried, her body heaving from her sobs.
James came back from where he opened the door and crouched down in front of Lily. "Lily, love," he said with a soft voice. "I will never leave you, I'll always be here for you when you need me, but it already hurts too much to know that you don't love me as much as I love you. That you don't love me enough to marry me. I-I'm not as strong as people think." He finished with a barely audible whisper.
"How can you say that I don't love you enough to marry you?" Lily screamed, unmindful of the people in the dorms, or who heard her. Lily jumped up from the floor. "How can you say that to me? How James?" she demanded in a fierce whisper.
"Lily?" Kayla softly called out as she, Sirius, Aria and Remus appeared from behind the hangings. Lily ignored her, and everyone else in the room.
"Then why won't you say yes?" James yelled back, he too ignoring their friends.
"I didn't say yes because I'm scared James! I'm scared to get hurt even more than I already am! Everyone thinks that I'm perfectly fine after all that has happened, but I'm not! No one has seen it, no one has heard it, but I'm still weeping inside. And somehow, I know that if you and I were to get engaged now, something would happen James, something always happens. Do you even know that when we broke up last time that that was a planned attack?" she finished hotly. "James, almost everybody wants us apart! What if they succeeded right after it somehow got out? You know that secrets can't be kept in the castle, so don't try to suggest it." She added as he opened his mouth. Ignoring her friends' wide mouths, Lily continued. "James, I'd die inside if they somehow accomplished that. You are the only thing that held me steady when my Father died, and when I heard about his condition. I don't think that I'd be here if you hadn't been there for me, but I can't say yes. I-I'm sorry, but I want to get better. I don't want to come to yours broken and sour. I refuse to come to you that way. You deserve so much better. You deserve an angel James. Not me." Lily finished, choking on the last two words.
James looked at Lily as if she were insane. "How the hell could you say that I don't deserve you? That I deserve something better? No one else can make me as happy as you do, as mad as you do, no one else can make my troubles go away as you do. No one else is you. I don't care if you're an angel, or if you're the devil himself, I want you, no one else." He screamed, not caring if half the world heard him. "I want you, forever." He finished with a whisper.
"How can you want me? How? I'm so fucked up right now." She demanded in a harsh tone. "And I don't know if I'll ever be the same girl you fell in love with. I'm sorry. But that is how I feel. Just please, don't leave me." Lily ended with a plea. James shook his head and turned for the door. Without looking back, he called out, "I love you Lily, more than life itself, but it sounds as if you might need some time to heal yourself before you can be confident you know what you want again. I love you." With that last word, he walked out of the door, and out of Lily's life.
"What have I done?" Lily cried out as she fell to her knees in helpless despair. She just pushed away the most important person in her life, just because she was still sore about her Father.
Kayla and Aria sat on the floor on either side of Lily and tired to soothe her, but they didn't know what to do, so in the end they just levitated her to her bed and gave her a sleeping potion.
The last image Lily saw before she fell asleep was James' face when she first told him that she loved him. The same face he held when he first made love to her. The face that she would dream about for the rest of her life.
~*~*~*~*~
James aimlessly wandered the halls, thinking back on what had just happened. So many emotions were going on in his head that he couldn't define all of them.
He was mad at himself for not noticing that Lily wasn't her usual cocky self.
He was sad that she wouldn't promise herself to him.
And he was torn up inside that he no longer even had her to hold.
'What is the use of living anymore?' he asked himself. 'Lily was the only reason I was put on this earth to live, and now she's gone. Now she doesn't want me any more.'
James brushed away his tears angrily. He didn't want to show weakness to anybody, but he knew that no matter what he did, Lily would always be a weakness, and all people had to do was look at him when Lily was in the room to tell.
James walked up the steps to the Gryffindor boys' dorm room without even realizing it, and sprawled out on his bed, thinking about Lily.
The last thing that flashed through his mind before he fell asleep was the look on Lily's face when they first made love.
He dreamed about her that night, dreams filled with love and happiness, dreams where she was his, and his alone. Dreams where she promised to be his forever more in a beautiful white dress. Dreams that he would never forget.
A/N2: Okay, this story only has a few more chapters left, so you aren't going to have to wait that long to see if they get back together.
I'm starting the next chapter even before I post this, so I should have it out in a few days.
And yes, I do know that there are a million and one errors in this story, but my beta is busy at the moment and I wanted to get these chapters out to you. And I'm sure that the next chapters will be hosting many errors also due to the fact that I'm going to have to do without her for a couple of weeks, so if you wish to read my story corrected, wait until sometime after the 15 of January.
Happy Reading.
Mistress del Mare
Chapter 32 - The Answer to A Question
James patted and stroked Lily's back, trying to calm her. "Is that a yes, or a no?" James asked hesitantly.
Lily looked up from his shoulder, and tears were streaming down her face. James's breath caught at the expression in Lily's eyes. It wasn't happiness - it was sorrow. 'She doesn't want to marry me.' His mind thought as his heart clenched violently. James tried to lift Lily off of his lap so that he could get off her bed, but she clenched her thighs around his, making him stay. "Lily," he cried softly. "Please, let me up. I already know your answer, and I don't think that I can handle hearing it."
Lily shook her head and tightened her grip on him. "No James, I want you to hear the reason for my answer." She whispered, her voice shaking from crying still. Lily swiped a trembling hand across her cheeks, trying to get rid of the tears, but she couldn't stop them from falling. "James, I love you, and I always will, but I just can't marry you, not right now." She started to explain. "I don't feel as if I can handle another emotional roller coaster yet. And I know that if I was to say yes at the moment, that that is exactly what would happen." James closed his eyes in despair. "James, love?" Lily softly asked. "Look at me please?"
James shook his head and kept his eyes shut tight. He felt Lily's soft, delicate hand brush his cheek and he realized that his tears had spilled and she was wiping them away. James' grip on her waist tightened. "God I love you Lily. But, I-I think that you- you don't l-love me as I l-love you." He whispered as he buried his head in her hair that held the scent of the ocean.
"James, please!" Lily begged as he lifted her off of him and laid her gently down on her bed. Lily sprung back up and crawled to the side of the bed on her knees. She made a dive for the back of James' robes, but he was already moving towards the door. "James, please, don't leave me. Don't leave me alone." She whispered desperately. "I don't think that I can go on without you too." She cried, her body heaving from her sobs.
James came back from where he opened the door and crouched down in front of Lily. "Lily, love," he said with a soft voice. "I will never leave you, I'll always be here for you when you need me, but it already hurts too much to know that you don't love me as much as I love you. That you don't love me enough to marry me. I-I'm not as strong as people think." He finished with a barely audible whisper.
"How can you say that I don't love you enough to marry you?" Lily screamed, unmindful of the people in the dorms, or who heard her. Lily jumped up from the floor. "How can you say that to me? How James?" she demanded in a fierce whisper.
"Lily?" Kayla softly called out as she, Sirius, Aria and Remus appeared from behind the hangings. Lily ignored her, and everyone else in the room.
"Then why won't you say yes?" James yelled back, he too ignoring their friends.
"I didn't say yes because I'm scared James! I'm scared to get hurt even more than I already am! Everyone thinks that I'm perfectly fine after all that has happened, but I'm not! No one has seen it, no one has heard it, but I'm still weeping inside. And somehow, I know that if you and I were to get engaged now, something would happen James, something always happens. Do you even know that when we broke up last time that that was a planned attack?" she finished hotly. "James, almost everybody wants us apart! What if they succeeded right after it somehow got out? You know that secrets can't be kept in the castle, so don't try to suggest it." She added as he opened his mouth. Ignoring her friends' wide mouths, Lily continued. "James, I'd die inside if they somehow accomplished that. You are the only thing that held me steady when my Father died, and when I heard about his condition. I don't think that I'd be here if you hadn't been there for me, but I can't say yes. I-I'm sorry, but I want to get better. I don't want to come to yours broken and sour. I refuse to come to you that way. You deserve so much better. You deserve an angel James. Not me." Lily finished, choking on the last two words.
James looked at Lily as if she were insane. "How the hell could you say that I don't deserve you? That I deserve something better? No one else can make me as happy as you do, as mad as you do, no one else can make my troubles go away as you do. No one else is you. I don't care if you're an angel, or if you're the devil himself, I want you, no one else." He screamed, not caring if half the world heard him. "I want you, forever." He finished with a whisper.
"How can you want me? How? I'm so fucked up right now." She demanded in a harsh tone. "And I don't know if I'll ever be the same girl you fell in love with. I'm sorry. But that is how I feel. Just please, don't leave me." Lily ended with a plea. James shook his head and turned for the door. Without looking back, he called out, "I love you Lily, more than life itself, but it sounds as if you might need some time to heal yourself before you can be confident you know what you want again. I love you." With that last word, he walked out of the door, and out of Lily's life.
"What have I done?" Lily cried out as she fell to her knees in helpless despair. She just pushed away the most important person in her life, just because she was still sore about her Father.
Kayla and Aria sat on the floor on either side of Lily and tired to soothe her, but they didn't know what to do, so in the end they just levitated her to her bed and gave her a sleeping potion.
The last image Lily saw before she fell asleep was James' face when she first told him that she loved him. The same face he held when he first made love to her. The face that she would dream about for the rest of her life.
~*~*~*~*~
James aimlessly wandered the halls, thinking back on what had just happened. So many emotions were going on in his head that he couldn't define all of them.
He was mad at himself for not noticing that Lily wasn't her usual cocky self.
He was sad that she wouldn't promise herself to him.
And he was torn up inside that he no longer even had her to hold.
'What is the use of living anymore?' he asked himself. 'Lily was the only reason I was put on this earth to live, and now she's gone. Now she doesn't want me any more.'
James brushed away his tears angrily. He didn't want to show weakness to anybody, but he knew that no matter what he did, Lily would always be a weakness, and all people had to do was look at him when Lily was in the room to tell.
James walked up the steps to the Gryffindor boys' dorm room without even realizing it, and sprawled out on his bed, thinking about Lily.
The last thing that flashed through his mind before he fell asleep was the look on Lily's face when they first made love.
He dreamed about her that night, dreams filled with love and happiness, dreams where she was his, and his alone. Dreams where she promised to be his forever more in a beautiful white dress. Dreams that he would never forget.
A/N2: Okay, this story only has a few more chapters left, so you aren't going to have to wait that long to see if they get back together.
I'm starting the next chapter even before I post this, so I should have it out in a few days.
And yes, I do know that there are a million and one errors in this story, but my beta is busy at the moment and I wanted to get these chapters out to you. And I'm sure that the next chapters will be hosting many errors also due to the fact that I'm going to have to do without her for a couple of weeks, so if you wish to read my story corrected, wait until sometime after the 15 of January.
Happy Reading.
Mistress del Mare