~Ladies and gents, welcome to Part 2 : we're talking no more Clark back-story, and even- shock horror- a Lex POV. Enjoy!~

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"Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is."
-Albert Camus

  Lex could not help his reaction , his flustered behaviour, his body language that he knew made him look like a kid who'd been found with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar.  He wasn't used to being caught out like this, because quite frankly, he never let himself take so many foolish chances in the business world . There was always a misleading trail, taking the blame far away from him if things went wrong, making the possibility of him personally standing here with guilt written across his flushed face exceedingly remote.

 But caught he had been. And by Clark, of all people.

 Trying desperately to regain his composure he forced his eyes to focus steadily on Clark.

 He  couldn't have been more surprised at his young friend's reaction.

 There was a look of complete horror on his face, tired and drawn as it was, and Clark had got up so fast he'd practically fallen over. In a rough, clumsy, and overall instinctive movement he had grabbed the hardback book from the table, hugging it to himself in an incredibly  exaggerated  protective way.

 His eyes were wide with fear, not anger, as he stared wildly at Lex, unblinking in his complete abject terror.

  Lex's discomfort turned to confusion and concern in an instant as Clark's strange state.

 "Woah, Clark, what's wr-"

"Tell me you didn't." Clark exclaimed in a rush, his breaths heavy with fear.

 Lex  frowned in alarm.

 "Didn't?"

 "Didn't read it."

 Lex's glance went from his friend's face to his vice-like grip on the book in his hands. Realisation slowly dawned.

 "Oh, God, Clark no!" Understanding and relief flowed across Lex's features, spreading to Clark's as he continued.

 "God, no I would never…I figured you must have fallen asleep writing in your journal, so I just closed it and put it on the table. Clark I would never invade your privacy like that."

  But another wave of suspicion overcame his friend.

 "But, when I woke up, you were all, well..."

 Lex tried to keep his tone casual, even amused, as he replied,

 " 'Guilty –looking'?"

Clark gave a small nod.

 "Oh, I was just embarrassed at having woken you up. That's all." An easy smile covered his lie well.

~ ~ ~

Clark recovered quickly from his scare, his other life-long secret having taught him the art of covering strange behaviour well. Lex too, had been eager to move away from the moment, and had quickly explained that he had dropped by, and Martha had told him where her son would be, and had welcomed Lex's offer to go make sure he was up in time for school. He'd come to invite him to shoot some pool at the mansion that night, since a business meeting had been cancelled.

  Later, Clark would be thankful that his anxious state had prevented him from showing the true pleasure he'd felt at the invitation. As aware as he was of the need to try and act normal around Lex after last night, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of delight at the thought of Lex and him alone together.

  Lex had accepted Clark's encouraging smile and confirmation that he'd "defiantly try and make it", with a nod, and had left calmly, throwing back a " Have a great day, Clark" as he descended the stairs.

 As soon as was out of sigh of the Kent farm, he had pulled his car over and turned off the engine. For a second he just sat there, letting out a slow sigh, his hands both clenching the steering wheel tightly. He closed his eyes, and leant back his head on the leather seat, taking in the sounds of the expanse of nature around him. There was nothing except the occasional birdsong, a testimony to the early hour, and the hypnotic whisperings of the breeze through the tall grasses of the fields on either side. The sounds cleared his mind. They always had. They were part of the magic of this place, its purity, away from the concrete and  glass, the billboards and traffic jams, the suits and the sharks that wore them, that made up his life in Metropolis. This place had done something to him. He felt he was safe here.

   When he opened his eyes, they were dragged inadvertently towards the rear-view mirror, and to his own image staring back at him.

 "What the hell are you doing, Lex?" he asked himself out loud.

 Yes, he had lied to Clark earlier. But not about reading his diary. He really had simply moved the book from Clark's loose grip, and placed it on the table besides him. Of course there had been a yearning to read what he correctly assumed was a diary, but something inside him stopped him. The sickening feeling that came with betraying Clark's trust. A feeling that he had felt too many times before.

 No, he hadn't lied about the dairy. But he had been lying when he'd said his guilty demeanour was simply due to waking Clark up with his presence. For his shame was due more to a fear of having been caught doing what he'd been doing.

  He had been watching Clark.

 He'd been standing less than an arm's reach away, gazing at his sleeping form for over five minutes. It was the perverse pleasure of finally being able to stare at Clark the way he'd always wanted to, that had really unnerved him. Lex Luthor, reduced to a peeping Tom, watching the rise and fall of his friend's chest, the soft breaths passing over those lips…those lips that he had never dared to look at the way he did then. It was the realisation that nobody was watching, that there was no-one to hide from, that had allowed him to examine every inch of Clark's face, his jet-black locks of hair dishevelled from sleep falling over his eyes. He'd never looked so closely at that face, that had intrigued him, confused him, and taken up a disconcerting amount of his waking thoughts since he had first seen it; silhouetted against a grey sky above him, after that fateful crash.

   Ten minutes ago he'd taken the opportunity to gaze upon the forbidden fruit. And now he felt sickened by the feelings that had arisen in him at the sight of the slumbering boy before him, who though so mature in his appearance and his behaviour, was still technically a child.

 That was why the guilt had come, when Clark had awoken. The moment had been shattered, and the realisation of what he'd allowed himself to do had hit him at the same time as his fear of whether Clark had seen the look of painful longing on his face, through his sleep-filled eyes.

 Then to make it even worse, he found himself now, sitting in his car, remembering Clark's reaction when he'd thought he had read the diary. The violent horror with which he'd grabbed that book, the way he'd clutched it to him…Now Lex knew for certain that Clark had a terrible secret to hide. Whatever it was, it had obviously kept him up all night, and that –as well as those Friday night meetings -made him suspect that Clark's behaviour towards him lately hadn't been his imagination.

It hadn't been just wishful thinking…

He shook that thought away angrily.

 Don't go there, Lex. You're imagining things.

Whatever Clark was or was not feeling wasn't the point. The point was that he shouldn't allow himself to get carried away by these…these notions.

  Normally he wouldn't even have allowed the idea of an attraction to Clark to enter his mind, but there was…the incident.

   One night. In his teens. He had done things which had forever made him more….*aware* of the possibility that something like this could happen. Of course, he had always blamed that night on the stuff he'd taken, combined with the intensity of the party atmosphere. And besides, it wasn't like he'd gone all the way. But nevertheless he had done things, or rather, allowed things to be done to him, behind a locked door at that house party… To this day, on those hot summer nights, those sleepless nights of stifling air and the pressing of claustrophobia from the tangled sheets around him, he was taken back to that night. Sitting in a corner, laughing faces moving past him in a blur, while he had gazed around in his drugged up daze. The grinning face of someone, some guy, the friend of a friend, leaning down towards him whispering, tempting ;  "I know what you are." Lex had struggled to focus, but there was a genuine yearning for truth behind his mumbled words,

"I don't even know who I am."

The dark-haried boy had held out his hand.

 "I can show you." Lex had taken his hand and been led away, his head feeling light and dizzy as if in a dream. And as mindless and unreal as it had all seemed at the time, and how little of it he had actually remembered later, he had always been waiting for something inside of him that had appeared that night to resurface again.

     And as of this morning, gazing at Clark's sleeping form he knew that it had.

    God, how it had.

TBC

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