Note on this chapter:- From now on I'm gonna try and dip into Lex's thoughts more. As requested ;-). And okay, at this point I'm writing far faster than the episodes are coming on TV…so we might take a step away from pesky li'l details like continuity, timing etc. at this point.
The actions of men are the best interpreters of their thoughts.
-John Locke
For the rest of the day Clark was filled with a new longing. It was no longer just his excitement, and nervousness, at the prospect of being in Lex's company tonight. It wasn't just eagerness for yet another confirmation of his feelings, of how Lex made him happier than anyone. Now, Clark was truly starting to consider things from Lex's point-of-view.
How did Lex, truly, feel about him? What did he feel at all? Clark had sensed the vulnerability behind the strong exterior only briefly, but he began to wonder just how much Lex was hiding from the world. Just as he had speculated about the secret concerns of all the students around him, Clark wondered whether perhaps Lex had his own demons.
No, he knew Lex had his own demons. It was in his eyes, in his secretiveness. Pete had said that Lex couldn't be trusted; that he was just using him; and Clark couldn't turn a deaf ear to all the rumours of secret deals and takeovers by LuthorCorp. Perhaps he couldn't totally be sure of all of Lex's business dealings, but he would forever defend Lex's character to Pete, Chloe, and his parents, and anyone else who applied their prejudices against the father to the son.
It went right back to what he had written last night, about Lex's two faces…the one he put on for his business associates, and even for Chloe and Pete. And then there was the one he wore around Clark…the one that showed concern, the one that seemed to apologise sincerely for mistakes, the one that had shown fear on occasion.
Clark was struck by the desire to completely understand Lex, to have him confess his secrets, to show his vulnerabilities to him. Anything that would mean Clark could give him something no-one else could…even if all Lex wanted was a confidante.
~ ~ ~
Clark had told Lex he'd go home and do his chores quickly before going over to the mansion. Of course, he neglected to mention just how quickly…all of two minutes later he was opening his wardrobe and looking for the item of clothing he knew suited him best. He'd tried on four different combinations before he realised what he was doing.
I'm actually trying on different outfits. I'm dressing to impress someone, to look attractive. I'm treating this like a date…
He gave a lopsided smile, seeing the long trail of denial going back over all the time he'd known Lex. He'd always dressed to impress him, at first just to try and fit into the refined settings of the mansion, but then there was the need for something else.A need for there to be equality in their relationship, the need for Lex to see him as more than some farm-boy playing at hero. A need that had always been there. It'd just taken him a while to figure out why.
His outfit chosen, he looked at himself in the mirror, pleased with what he saw. Clark Kent was many things; humble, decent, and pretty much selfless most of the time. But one thing he wasn't, at least in this instance, was blind. He knew how he looked. Perhaps that was why he'd played at having the crush on Lana for so long – without that excuse, it would have looked pretty suspicious when he'd fought off all the hoards of girls swooning over him.
Clark found that thought strangely satisfying, and acceptable. He really didn't want girls swooning over him. At all. Ever.
"Welcome to the rest of your life Clark. " he muttered to himself.
Unfortunately that life was not going to get the start he'd been hoping for all day. As he came down the stairs, his mother yelled over from where she was sorting some laundry,
"Oh by the way Clark, Lex called and said he had to cancel your plans."
If Clark ever needed proof of his feelings for Lex, it would be the heavy, debilitating disappointment that filled him at that moment. All he could say was,
"Oh."
Martha continued talking casually.
"I didn't realise you two had plans?"
Clark managed a vague nod. Realising she still had her back towards him though, he spoke up,
"Oh, no, it was just a game of pool."
He tried to hide the self-loathing in his voice.
"That's all."
He went back upstairs feeling like a fool; for psyching himself up so much for this, for getting carried away by these new feelings, and most of all, for daring to think that Lex would be looking forward to this evening as much as he was. Clark felt then the first true bitterness of love, at its false hopes, and self-delusions.
Of course Lex blew him off, he probably only invited him round because he wanted something to fill his boredom, and be mildly entertained by his naïve young friend. How could he have thought that he was in any way on top of Lex's list of priorities? Lex was probably in the middle of some big-money negotiations, buying and selling whole companies, gambling with the jobs of thousands.
Or worse. He could be out on a date.
Thoughts like that could only last so long in someone usually so good-natured as Clark. In the end common sense told him, he might as well get back to reality rather than mope about all evening, filling his diary with bitter, angry reprimands towards himself.
He decided to go catch up with Chloe and Pete after all. He knew where he stood with them. They were all just friends – no secret attractions there...
It was still fairly early when Clark arrived at the school, and the extra-curricular activities were still in progress. He stood in the door of the office of the Torch for a few moments, watching his two friends chatting on the other side of the room. Unseen by them at first, he took the time to collect himself and put on a suitably enthusiastic expression.
"Hey guys!" He eventually called out, striding in as if he'd just got there. The looks of pleasure on Pete and Chloe's faces added guilt to his continuing feelings of disappointment - he shouldn't neglect his friends. He shouldn't lie to them. But lie he had, and indeed, was about to:
"My Dad cut me some slack, and said I could finish up the work later."
Pete playfully feigned disinterest.
"Oh, and did you think you could just come and interrupt our hard work? "
Chloe raised her eyebrows at him,
"Excuse me? I believe I'm the one who's been doing the work all this time – you've just been messing up my filing system."
The two guys shared a look of disbelief that Chloe Sullivan's 'system' could be messed up any further than it was.
"hey, I saw that!" she cried, hitting them both on the arm playfully.
Clark performed the standard wince, rubbing of the arm, and "hey, that hurt!". Everyday of his life. There had always been an act. At least he felt less guilty keeping up the pretence of being human, than, well, the other thing.
Chloe turned to her computer and began to shut it down.
"C'mon, I've had enough of this for one night anyway. How 'bout you two walk me home? Then we can stop for a coffee or something on the way."
Clark was about to nod his approval when Pete frowned,
"I though you said you're dad was gonna pick you up?" It wasn't a major problem, but some part of him wanted to spend time with Clark – guy-time. Maybe he could even find some girl to distract his friend from Lana Lang for a night.
But Chloe rolled her eyes as she picked up her shoulder-bag.
"Oh, I know, but he called and said he had to stay late at the plant. Apparently they even had to call Lex in. And, I tell you, it must have interfered with his entertaining of some billionaire's daughter or something because Dad said he was seriously pissed to be called out this evening."
Clark was sure that they must have both been able to hear his sharp intake of breath, but that, and the look of immense relief on his face went unnoticed as Pete raised his eyebrow at Chloe,
"Your Dad said 'pissed' ?"
She grinned mischievously,
"I was paraphrasing"
"You do that a lot."
"Now Pete, was that a slight towards my accuracy as a writer?"
"You're the investigator reporter, you tell me."
The banter continued as Clark followed them out of the office, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from his heart.
It had been an emergency. Lex hadn't just found something better to do. And he'd been annoyed. Really annoyed if it meant he'd allowed his feelings to break through that cool exterior.
Perhaps he'd underestimated Lex's appreciation of him after all.
~ ~ ~
He remained on that high right up till the next evening, when Lex himself turned up. Clark was in the barn again, looking through his telescope at the world around him – but concentrating on the skyline and the stars rather than, half-heartedly, Lana's bedroom window. He'd seen Lex's car pull up, but he tried to remain casual as he heard his friend's footsteps on the stairs.
Continuing to look through the telescope, he noticed a slight pause before Lex announced his presence.
"Hey Clark." He said. Was there something of relief in his voice? Clark turned away from the window to see Lex standing casually at the top of the stairs. As he felt the smile coming involuntarily to his own face, his pleasure increased at seeing Lex do the same.
"Lex." He said, and immediately panicked, wondering whether there was too much pent-up relief in his own voice.
As Clark's eyes flickered for a second in embarrassment, Lex realised he was drumming his fingers nervously on the stair-rail, and stopped self-consciously.
"I'm sorry about last night." He began, with obvious sincerity in his looks. "Something came up at the plant, I had to go sort it out and then it took longer than expected, which is why I didn't call you later…"
He tried to say it all lightly, as if relating an amusing anecdote, a simple little rant at annoying changes to one's schedule. But he was inwardly amazed at himself for how nervous he felt. He was normally a confidant speaker, but he found himself wondering desperately if any of that had come out wrong, if it had sounded too annoyed, too apologetic.
What is the matter with me he thought.
Clark was shaking his head with a smile.
"No, it's okay. No big deal."
No big deal?! He screamed at himself. Why the hell did you say that? God, I hope he doesn't take that the wrong way...
Lex did appear to hesitate for a second there, but it was just possible he saw Clark cringe at his own words. He seemed to relax then, unable to resist being amused at himself. He was just talking to Clark. Be yourself. You always are with him…
That in itself was certainly something to think about. But later, much later. Now, he came to the point of his visit;
"No, I intend to make it up to you. So, I guarantee you at least one game of pool when you come to the party I'm having on Friday night."
Clark's reaction was exactly what he'd expected. Surprise, disbelief, then that famous Clark Kent grin.
" 'When' I come? What, the game of pool is the making-it-up-to-me part, and the big glitzy party…?''
Lex grinned back.
' ….will be tedious, and full of shallow people which is why I was going to invite you anyway if you'd have come last night. "
Clark swore he must be glowing with happiness and grinning like a maniac.
"Really? You didn't think that I might not, y'know, fit in?" he asked incredulously.
Lex took a step towards him laughing.
"Clark, I need you there to keep me sane -you'll be the only person there I even remotely care about."
The smile faltered on his face as he realised what he'd said.
Oh no, did I go to far? Would he take those words to heart? Is he going to back off and give me a strange look? Dammit Lex ,why'd you let that slip out…
Clark was in his own turbulent world of thoughts at the words. But unlike the last time when there had been the possibility of hidden meanings, neither of them looked away in confusion or panic. This time, they were both curious, both watching for the other's reaction. This time they both held each other's eyes…and both dared to feel a flutter of hope at what they saw.
Lex gave a hesitant smile.
"Well I, ah, I guess I'll see you Friday then. Eight o'clock?"
Clark blinked, coming out of his reverie.
"Ah, Sure" he said quietly.
Lex nodded in acknowledgement and then backed away, motioning that he'd better take off.
" I've got a conference call, so.."
Clark pulled himself together and waved away any awkwardness.
"Oh yeah, sure."
As Lex was half way down the stairs, Clark leaned over the rail above him.
"Lex?"
His friend looked up, perhaps a little too quickly.
"Yeah?"
"Drive safe."
They both grinned, sharing their private joke.
Lex gave an amused shake of the head.
"'Night Clark." He called as he carried on down the steps, laughing quietly to himself.
"'Night Lex."
Clark paused only for a minute, before walking back to the telescope to watch Lex drive away, until he was out of sight.
~ ~ ~
As they lay in their separate beds that night, they were haunted by forbidden fantasies, hopes, and dreams of what two nights' time would bring. Their imaginations were inexplicably on overdrive, believing that the party somehow offered a chance for something, something to break this routine of those Friday night's at the Beanery, the conversations without ever really saying anything.
When they awoke in the light of the morning they were both shaken as they remembered the images their minds had conjured up. But in spite of that, they both felt a flutter of excitement that neither could conceal from themselves. They both dressed with an involuntary smile on their faces, that morning ; faces filled with thoughtful, dreamy expressions.
And on their way out of their rooms, they both caught sight of themselves in a mirror, and shook their heads at their own foolishness.