Spoilers: Pilot .
And who feels discord now or sorrow;
Love is the universe today –These are the slaves of dim to-morrow
Darkening Life's labyrinthine way-P.B. Shelley
Finding Clark felt like some pivotal test to Lex. He couldn't help but feel that if Clark was not where he thought he would be, then it was fate's way of telling him that there was no special bond there, there was nothing between them that was worth the danger that would come with confessing his feelings. If Clark wasn't there, in that first spot that came to Lex's mind, then he felt he could somehow find an escape from this, or could justify burying these feelings. He could just carry on driving around until he found him and then he would give a few sentiments, try and save the friendship if possible, but definitely try and make Clark believe that it was a mistake, that he was confused, and that Lex just didn't reciprocate those feelings. After all, he'd had a lifetime of making people believe him.
People like Lex needed to plan out their actions like that. Despite whatever he might say about how he was control of his own destiny, and didn't believe in 'any of that superstitious crap', he used his instincts all the time. Oh, he might call omens 'warning signs', and he might call luck 'careful planning', but in big business Lex had learnt that there were signs to guide you through life, that sometimes you needed to get out of a situation the second it started going slightly wrong, as you could see in your mind the landslide about to come if you carried on following that path.
So now, Lex had his test of fate. It was something he could cling to, to use as an excuse for taking the safe path; running away from his feelings, giving up this one chance of happiness that had been given to him, and bidding farewell to his young friend. But at the same time, Lex felt he needed this test more as an excuse to take a leap of faith, to go against his reason, and to do something mindless and foolish, regardless of the consequences. He needed something to justify these actions, because at this point in time, he was tired, so tired, of thinking about all the possibilities, all the pro's and con's; he was tired of battling it out in his mind.
He was going to let fate decide. And he knew in his heart what decision he wanted it to make.
He'd raced along the roads barely keeping to the speed limit, but considering his destination he wasn't about to tempt fate a second time. He'd pulled his convertible up to the barrier on the bridge, and had started scanning the area the minute he was out of the car.
At first he hadn't seen anything but the endless Kansas sky, grey and foreboding, with the wind starting to pick up. The road stretched empty in both directions, and he felt a horrible stab of dread that he'd been mistaken. That he didn't know Clark as well as he'd thought. He wasn't here.
But then he'd hesitantly approached the edge of the bridge and peered over the barrier, fearful of what it would mean if he wasn't there, and even more so, what it would mean if he was. He felt his heart race at what he saw. Of course, he should have known Clark would be in that particular spot. After all, it wasn't like they'd actually met on the bridge; that was just where the impact had been.
Lex made his way down the bank carefully, slowly, watching Clark just sitting there on the riverside, staring out at the water, hugging his knees against the cool breeze. Lex knew he must have seen him drive up, but he didn't turn around. He just stayed staring out at the grey waves that he'd once plunged into from the bridge above.
In understanding silence Lex approached slowly, not even sure what he was going to say to him. But as he came nearer, he got his first close up view of Clark.
His clothes were a mess, streaked with dirt, grass stains, scratched and torn like he'd been running through woods all night. His hair was untidy, loose strands hanging over his eyes, making them seem darker than they were. His face and hands however hadn't got a scratch on them, just a fine layer of dust and dirt, that long dried tears had cut streaks through on his cheeks. He just looked pale and tired, staring out at the water.
"Jesus Clark." Lex found himself whispering, as he quickly removed his jacket and knelt down beside him on the grass. He placed the jacket tenderly around Clark's shoulders; barely noticing how he kept his hand on Clark's shoulder, in the familiar touch which he'd always graced this boy with.
"God you must be freezing. Have you been out here all night?"
He felt that pang of love inside him again; the compassion, and the overwhelming guilt of what he'd done.
Clark didn't meet his eyes though; he just carried on staring forward.
"I …I couldn't go home." He said eventually. " I needed to think."
Lex swallowed hard. God how had he let Clark walk out last night alone? He must have felt so screwed up…but Lex'd thought, just like Martha had on the phone earlier, that nothing bad could ever happen to Clark. He was the one who helped out everyone else, he was the one who always came out of situations unhurt and smiling.
"Clark…" He started hesitantly, before sighing, and then, with a gentle hand under Clark's chin, pulling that beautiful face round to look at him. There was surprise in Clark's eyes as so tender an action.
"Clark, I'm sorry." Lex said. His eyes were unsteady, pleading, and his voice was full of regret and feeling, not the evenness and earnestness of his standard practised apologies. Clark felt the hope fighting the bitterness inside of him, as he asked with a broken voice;
"Sorry for what Lex? Are you pitying me for getting everything so wrong? For being such a poor confused kid?"
Lex eyes shifted, uncertain what to say, where to go from here. He saw the choices ahead of him and he didn't know where to turn. He tried to explain his actions, to try and offer a reason for why he let everything get so out of hand so quickly,
"Last night…. the party, my father's call…something threw me. I panicked, and I lashed out…in more ways than one."
Clark felt his heart in his throat as the fear overcame him. He's going to say it was a mistake again. He's going to apologise, tell me how screwed up he is, then he's going to suggest it 'might not be such a good idea for me to go round any more'. He'll say he doesn't want me to get the wrong impression. Hell, he'll probably provide me with a shrink, free of charge, so long as he's rid of me…
"You think it was a mistake." He said. It wasn't a question. He watched Lex bitterly, full of that anger that had been simmering within him all night. Lex stared back, frowning, as if trying to read him, while at the same time fighting the indecision in his own mind.
After an achingly long beat, Lex shook his head very slightly.
" I can't lie to you Clark. I hate lying to you." He said, his features heavy with the emotion that filled such simple words.
"I can lie to myself but…" he sighed, and looked away across the water clasping his hands together in his lap in resignation.
"…You deserve better". He finished, half to himself.
Then Lex's look came back down to the riverbank, and Clark's eyes followed.
This was the spot where they'd first met. Where their lives had become inexplicably entwined by a simple twist of fate. It was here that Clark had first beheld the form of this pale, bald young man in all his helplessness. It was from that moment that Clark would fail to be deceived by the front Lex put on for the rest of the world. He would never be intimidated by his wealth, his power. He would never let the rumours, and the distrust of his father, of Pete and of others in the town cloud his view of him; because Clark had seen Lex in a way no-one else had. And he had given him life. He had seen the lost look on his face as he had come to, and he had seen Lex staring up at him with a look of complete need and trust.
As for Lex, this was the spot where destiny had had given him a second chance. It'd made him look at his life and see how little he had achieved in terms of love, feeling, of truly making a difference to someone. It had made him more acutely aware of how empty his life was, how little joy he actually took from it. And it had given him a starting point, a guide back to his heart. A guide in the form of anxious blue eyes looking down on him, strong arms helping him up, sweet lips breathing life back into his. Fate had given him a friend.
And now it had given him love.
Their eyes came up to meet each other's, and they felt the aching joy of companionship, out here all alone, with the world far away, and the wind now bringing a chill, the grey sky hiding the sun.
"All my life. " Lex began, "I've had to be in control. I had no one. But I was in control. And then you came."
He could feel the tears burning in his eyes, and saw the pain and hope in Clark's.
"You have no idea what you mean to me Clark."
Clark ignored the tears running down his cheeks as he looked pleadingly at Lex, baring his soul before him.
"Show me", he whispered.
Slowly, hardly daring to breathe, Clark reached up his hand to Lex's cheek, and then he watched as Lex gave in, sighing with contentment as he mirrored his action, pulling him closer.
The kiss this time was tender, soft, and the sweet taste was mixed with the salt of their tears of joy and fear. There was no rush, no desperate release of long-denied angst and passion…this time there was only honesty, helplessness, and the love of tentative beginnings.
TBC